Tuesdays suck!

[IndiBlue]

Without telling you guys everything about my personal life- This piticular situation is a little to hard for me to handle right now. Advice?

So in a conversation that my boyfriend of 5 years and I were having about timing- he says to me-

" I am not ready to be your husband" I honestly don't want to be hurt over that statement, but I so am. How do I reconcile my feelings vs. his. I'm ready to be his wife- damn, I pretty much am only without the commitment.


-Bummed

 

[E B]

If you don''t mind my asking, how old are you? How old is your boyfriend?

 

[IndiBlue]

I''m 24. He''s almost 27.

 

[snuga]

I can understand why you would be hurt with a statement like that, especially if you are ready to take the next step and he isn't.

Have you discussed marriage before? Has he told you that he has wanted to be married by a certain time? Have you made steps toward a future together?

I don't know what the whole conversation entailed, but did he say that he wasn't ready right NOW to be married? Maybe he wants certain parts of his life to be dealt with before he takes the next step. I don't know your situation, but I know that many couples on PS had certain milestones they wanted to reach before committing to a marriage. For some it is the completion of school, loans being paid off, a house being bought, etc.. If this is the situation, it may just mean that he isn't ready right NOW. That is what it sounds like to me, and if that is the case, I think you should discuss it together and come to an agreement about how you can achieve that goal together.

Maybe he just needs a little bit of time.. Believe me, the LIW know what it feels like to wait for a man to propose!!

 

[E B]

I would have been hurt by his statement as well. After 5 years, he should know if he wants to marry you or not. If he's not ready now, fine...plenty of couples have long engagements. I'd sit him down and have a heart-to-heart. Let him know what you want, and give him open ears so that he can let you know how he's feeling.

 

[IndiBlue]

Ok, Here''s the deal. We have talked alot about marriage. We''ve discussed what we want, when we want it to happen and how. He wants to be married by the end of 07 and engaged this summer. That''s why this is so curious to me.


BTW, we have our life pretty much settled, we both own houses, both have jobs (not great ones) but he owns his house outright. I left my great job and went back to school last year. So there''s a little background.

 

[Mandarine]

I agree....I guess it depends how he said it and how the discussion was going. I had my share of talks last weekend and the first try (Friday) didn''t get me anywhere. We couldn''t see eye to eye and I think we were unintentionally hurting each other by some of the things that we were saying. The next day we tried talking again and it went much better!. I was able to say how I felt and he was able to "explain" to me his timing reasons...which turned out to be valid.

I would try to talk again...maybe wait a couple of days though. I think guys get in "defensive mode" sometimes and they don''t realize we are not making them do anything, but it is fair for us to ask so we can understand were we are in the relationship. For example I think if my BF would have said that he was thinking of getting married in 5 years I think I would have had to re-consider our relationship.

Hang in there!

M~

 

[Caribou]

Oye!

Have you two ever discussed marriage?

You''ve been together 5 years....he should know if he wants to be your husband. I dated a guy for 2 years, he was 4 years older than me...33, when I met him. He told me he never wanted to marry. If your boyfriend says that than you should consider whether you want to be with him.

Now if he said says he wants to marry but isn''t ready yet....

...while I think that''s silly but I am a girl. You talk with him and find out what his thoughts are.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/24/2006 7:45:45 PM
Author: IndiBlue
Ok, Here''s the deal. We have talked alot about marriage. We''ve discussed what we want, when we want it to happen and how. He wants to be married by the end of 07 and engaged this summer. That''s why this is so curious to me.


BTW, we have our life pretty much settled, we both own houses, both have jobs (not great ones) but he owns his house outright. I left my great job and went back to school last year. So there''s a little background.

Ok... So what exactly prompted his "I''m not ready" comment?

If he said he wants to be engaged by next summer, I''m thinking all he needs is for you to let him do his thing. I know it''s hard. I have strong suspicions my SO will propose next summer too, if not, it will be sometime before the New Year. I wish I could talk about it all the time, I''m so excited! However, we have to understand that men are very nervous about those things and put a lot of pressure on themselves. My SO has even told me several times how important it is to him and how nervous it makes him. I may be wrong as I don''t know your SO, but I think he''s a bit stressed out by it and was just being defensive.

 

[snuga]

Date: 1/24/2006 7:45:45 PM
Author: IndiBlue
Ok, Here''s the deal. We have talked alot about marriage. We''ve discussed what we want, when we want it to happen and how. He wants to be married by the end of 07 and engaged this summer. That''s why this is so curious to me.

BTW, we have our life pretty much settled, we both own houses, both have jobs (not great ones) but he owns his house outright. I left my great job and went back to school last year. So there''s a little background.

Given all this info, I don''t really know what to make of the situation either. It is really weird, especially since you have discussed marriage and engagement time frames.. I would try to talk to him about it, but like some other people said, in a non-attacking way, other than that.. I don''t know-I''m stumped!

 

[AndyRosse]

Hmmm...maybe he is trying to throw you off the trail of proposing soon??

Or maybe he is a bit scared for one reason or another? Maybe the reality of getting engaged this summer and married next year has finally hit him?

 

[Mara]

Did you ask him what that means or why he''s not ready? I''d have been curious at a comment like that since it seems you guys have a timeline for engagement and marriage.

 

[Blue824]

Date: 1/24/2006 10:59:02 PM
Author: Rascal49

Or maybe he is a bit scared for one reason or another? Maybe the reality of getting engaged this summer and married next year has finally hit him?

That''s what I was thinking. I know sometimes when things like that scare me, I blurt out something that is more to cover my feelings instead of being upfront of what I''m afraid of. But if that was said to me, I''d also be hurt...it is totally a mixed message. However, if he knows he wants to get engaged this summer, and if it wasn''t to you, why would you still be together? I''d wait a little while and bring it up again, tell him how you''ve been thinking about what he said and your feelings and stuff like that.

 

[IndiBlue]

Thanks all for your positive comments.

It''s a tough situation. Since we had that conversation we haven''t really talked- we haven''t really even been in the same room together (awake, that is). Once he said he hasn''t ready, I just pretty much cried myself to sleep. He didn''t really try to clearify himself or even comfort me more than putting his hand on my back.

We''ve been living together for about a year now and no one in his family knows and can''t know until we''re engaged- they wouldn''t approve at all- and not because of the race issue. Because they are "old fashion". So we were discussing the stress I feel over the situation. I''m a very open perosn, have no secrets, wear my emotions on my sleeve so having to lie like this is super stressful for me!

I moved in with him so that I could go back to school and rent out my house for a little more income. Also, because after 4 year we wanted to make sure that we would be able to cohabitate. We''re great partners, we''re great in every other aspect of our relationship, execpt now for this stuff.

He knows I''m hurt by what he said. I just don''t think that either one of us knows how to deal with it from here. My mom thinks that I need to seriously consider moving out of his house- something I really don''t even want to think about. Urgh!

 

[Caribou]

It''s okay for him not to be ready to marry you. I mean, it''s not something you want to hear but sometimes it takes guys a little longer to get there. I mean, if he says he wants to marry you then I would take this as having to wait a little longer until it happens. Which sucks, but at the same time you wouldn''t want him to do something as serious as marriage if he wasn''t ready.

I wouldn''t do anything drastic until you''ve talked to him about what he meant by his comment. If he''s just not ready to be married, ask him why (you have a right to know) if it''s for the following reason: finances, wants to finish school, etc. Those are good reasons. But if he can''t give you a reason or his reasons have to do with not knowing whether he wants to get marry or he doesn''t know if he wants to marry you, those are red flags and you should take care of yourself.

 

[Kit]

Hmm. I think it''s okay for him to share his honest feelings with you, and okay for you to feel hurt upon hearing these feelings from him. Ultimatley this issue needs a lot more exploration. There are so many reasons that could be behind his statement, and I think you are causing yourself undue pain and stress by assuming it means something it may not. He could just be voicing his fears, as anchor suggested. He could be overwhelmed by the weight of being married and voicing that. You really just don''t know until you talk to him.

IMO you owe it to yourself and your relationship to have this conversation sooner rather than later. I have been there where my FI says something that I assume means X when it really meant Y and I never would have guessed it meant Y but...I got upset and we fought or there was hurt and confusion between us...communication is key for every relationship--especially with these big life-altering issues.

Good luck, chin up! You can work through it.

 

[anchor31]

Kit always gives wonderful advice... And following it gets great results too!

Talk to him as soon as you can. Staying upset won''t help. Like Kit says: communication is the key.

 

[Mara]

Gosh at least talk about it with him before deciding or even considering to move out! If you can''t communicate clearly right now it will not be any easier later or after you get married. Talk to him like an adult...you two will figure it out.

 

[IndiBlue]

Thanks again you guys for the encouragement. Very elequently put, Kit- Thanks!

I''m not sure how things are going to work out exactly, but H and I both agreed tonight that the one things we can count on is that we love each other and that''s the most important.

Hopefully we''ll be able to talk tonight.

 

[chrisam143]

I am in a similar situation. I am 24, my bf is 27, we have lived together 1 1/2 years and we have been together over 6 years now (on & off some in the first few years). We talk about it and I know he wants to get married, but he wants to have everything else together first such as getting his career settled more and buying a house. I too am hoping the engagement will happen soon.
Hang in there!

 

[IndiBlue]

I COULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED!


Ok, so last night my boyfriend and I were talking about our "situation". He was able to listen to what I had to say and I was able to say it without getting emotional. I told him everything I was feeling..... For instance, how I feel like it''s ok for us to pretend that we are husband & wife by living together and acting as such when we''re house and alone, but no one else is allowed to know anything. He agreed and understood how those things could hurt me.

We''re talking and trying to figure out what is the best path for us when he says, "Now, hear me out!" and then there is a huge long pause. He''s sitting there with this huge smerk on his face and keeps taking deep breaths. I couldn''t figure out what was going on and why he might be acting this way.

After a while of this, he comes over and kneels in front of me (i''m sitting on the couch) and starts kissing and hugging me.

What happened next is still a complete shock to me!

He says, " I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife and I''m sorry that I have been acting this way. The only explination that I have is that I''m terrified! Please, Seriously, Will you marry me?"

I can not believe it! Still this morning, I''m in complete shock! I woke up supper early this morning, my heart just pounding. Of course, because he hadn''t really planned to ask me this way or at this time- so I don''t have a ring yet. But he said that he wanted to me be involved in choosing the ring anyway.

What a huge week this have been!!!!

 

[anchor31]

OH MY GOD!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I bet you weren''t expecting this!! Way to go! WOW!!

Being honest and sharing our feelings calmly always gets amazing results, doesn''t it? WOOHOO!!

 

[Kit]

Oh my god. Yeah!!!! I am so thrilled at how this worked out. Look at what calm and honest communication can bring about. It is hard sometimes but so worth it. I am exremely happy for you both, how exciting.

 

[Mimikins24]

Well IndiBlue, this is unexpected, but wonderful!!! I''m glad that open and honest communication was the key for you two --- definitely bodes well for your future together!!! Now the ring shopping fun can begin. Congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Yay!! Congratulations!! I was upset by your story originally, but I am sooo happy that some honest communication has everything where it should be!! I hope you enjoy your new status and have a new shiny symbol of your love on your hand soon!!

 

[SoonIHope]

OH MY GOD!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

That is soooo exciting; I''m so happy for you! Good for him!!!

Now go get yourself a pretty ring that we can stare at!