tweens/teens and internet?

[TooPatient]

Do your 12/13 year olds have internet in their bedroom or just the livingroom/office? If they have in their rooms, do you have any rules for use?

 

[Puppmom]

Nope. Our 17 year old just got an IPhone for her birthday and that was her first unrestricted access to the internet. We also block social networking sites (DH and I aren't on any of them either) on our wireless router. Friends and family hate that they can't get on Facebook when they come to our house.

Originally, DD was bothered that we didn't allow her on Facebook but now she understands why. Kids use social networking to bully each other. I found that to be true with girls in particular and she now hears that through many of her friends at school. There is ALWAYS some social networking drama going on.

 

[TooPatient]

That is pretty much what I've been thinking but wanted to see if I was "out of touch". I like the idea of blocking social networking sites.

 

[Puppmom]

There were totally times that I felt bad because "everyone else" is allowed to have a Facebook page but, in hindsight, I feel good about limiting her.

 

[MissStepcut]

Besides the bullying, teens just aren't ready to manage their digital reputation. I am impressed with your resolve, pupp!

Though I am very glad to have had Facebook through my college and early career, and still use it all the time for professional networking and similar, I may have misused it in regrettable ways in my teen years.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Our 12 year old has a laptop in her room that is connected to the Internet and an iPhone (both hand me down birthday presents that were given to her this month). The laptop is mainly for school homework / research and she has the phone because she rides to and from school so I want to be able to contact her / her contact us, if needed.

We don't have any blocks set up as such but she knows she is not allowed on FB even though most of her friends have it. I have a friend who is a highschool teacher and she told me that 90% of the fights and troubles that happen at school originate from something that is written on FB. That was a major deterrent for not letting her have it any time soon. That, and the fact that one of my friends let their 11 year old have FB and it's completely shocking to see some of the things that she 'likes' and looks at. She is far too young and immature to be exposed to such things and if she is 'liking' girl on girl photos now WTH is she going to be looking at in a couple of years?! Anyway, sorry for that little rant I just don't think that FB is appropriate for kids under 16/17.

As far as restricting other Internet access DD doesn't seem to be interested in looking on the net too much. She sometimes looks on youtube for cute puppy/ kitten videos but she is more interested in growing her zoo on the iPad and tending to her smurf village. I know that is all going to change soon enough though so we will have to put some other measure in place other than our verbal restrictions that we told her at the beginning of the month when she got the laptop.

That probably was no use at all to you, sorry. We are just starting out on this journey of teens and the Internet. It's scary stuff

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Oh, I forgot to add that our 17 year old wasn't allowed to have FB until last year in her final year of highschool. I don't know what other Internet restrictions she had as she doesn't live with us. Even though she is a very sensible girl we cringed at some of the stuff she put on her FB profile in the beginning. I agree that teenagers aren't mature enough to think about the possible repercussions of the digital fingerprints they leave behind.

 

[lliang_chi]

I really have to take my hats off to parents of teens nowadays. I remember when I was in middle/high school, the "big" thing was to have a phone and/or TV in your room. Nowadays, you parents have to worry about the internet, Facebook, weirdo people that you want to keep away from your kids etc. YIKES!!! I dunno how to do that! I've got a 5 month old now, and I'm sure by the time he gets to be 12-13 there'll be a whole new other thing to worry about. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Case and point, last week, I watched E.T. In the movie the mom left the little boy home by himself because he was sick. Now that I think of it, Ferris Bueller's Day Off he was also left home alone because he was sick. Dude, if you do that now, you'll likely be arrested!

 

[TooPatient]

I really have to take my hats off to parents of teens nowadays. I remember when I was in middle/high school, the "big" thing was to have a phone and/or TV in your room. Nowadays, you parents have to worry about the internet, Facebook, weirdo people that you want to keep away from your kids etc. YIKES!!! I dunno how to do that! I've got a 5 month old now, and I'm sure by the time he gets to be 12-13 there'll be a whole new other thing to worry about. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Case and point, last week, I watched E.T. In the movie the mom left the little boy home by himself because he was sick. Now that I think of it, Ferris Bueller's Day Off he was also left home alone because he was sick. Dude, if you do that now, you'll likely be arrested!

Which leads to the next question!

What age is okay to leave at home? Or maybe a better way to ask is how do you know they are ready to be left home alone?


By the time I was 12, I was staying alone in my grandparents' house for weeks at a time while they were out of town. My mom would usually call once a day or so to be sure all was okay but I was responsible for all cooking/cleaning, bill paying, cat/dog care, getting myself ready for school, etc.


ETA: Sorry if this all sounds random. I'm not able to share details right now, but life is all crazy right now and I find myself needing answers to questions I'd never had to think about before. I really appreciate all of your first hand experience!

 

[aviastar]

I don't have kids yet, so I can't speak to the internet stuff, although I agree philosophically with what everyone else has said.

But I was a full-fledged babysitter by the time I was 12. My mom took me to get CPR certified and I think I did a Responsible Babysitter class or something. I definitely stayed at home alone and with my younger siblings, as well as babysitting neighborhood kids, too. But, that early on, it was never for more than a few hours. But I was cooking dinner for my family on my own at that point, too.

I think you have to judge her mentality about being alone and her level of ability to follow directions and be responsible. I also think it would be kinda awkward to hire a teenage babysitter for a 12/13 year old; but if she still needs a bit of supervision or it's going to be too long to have her alone hanging out at a friend's house or having a slightly older friend come over to 'hang out' rather than 'babysit' might be less awkward. I did this when I was 14/15- went to hang out with a girl a few years younger who just needed a bit of extra support while her mom ran errands and stuff, more like a big sister than a babysitter.

I know things are crazy for you and some big changes are probably going on in your life, but from some of the things and projects you have been posting about, I get the feeling you are doing something amazingly kind and generous and I just wanted to recognize that and applaud you for it. World needs more people like you!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: leaving at home, I really think it depends on the child and your particular life and circumstances.

It's not the most ideal situation but our daughter gets herself out of bed and off to school a few days a week and brings herself home and does chores for a couple of hours before we get home from work as well. It's not everyday as my husband works shift and is home for some of the week, but there are a couple of days a week where he leaves at 5.30am and I leave at 6.45. DD gets herself up at 7 and is out the door at 8.15. She used to have to get up with me and be ready before 7 and then go and sit at Gmas house until it was time to go to school. I felt really bad for making her get up so early when she didnt really have to so this year we decided to give her the chance to sleep in and do it herself. She is very responsible though and my MIL is only a few houses up the street and everyone in our cul de sac is retired except for us so there is always someone around if she needs it.

It really does depend on the child though, when my friend found out that i was letting her get up and get herself to school on her own she said that there was no way she could let her daughter do it as she was just too immature (the one who has FB).

We do leave her for a couple of hours at a time as well, sometimes. If she has homework to do and I need to go shopping or have an appointment etc, she is allowed to stay at home and do that rather than have to come with me. The most I've left her for would be about 4 hours on a Saturday where I have had to work and DH has been asleep for nightshift. Yeah he is still in the house but she has been left to look after herself with no problems. I wouldn't leave her for more than half a day though.

My daughter is pretty 'old' for a 12 year old. She will call me when I am on my way home from work to tell me that we need milk and apples and asks what I would like her to get out of the freezer for dinner etc, I don't know a lot of 12 year olds but I'm yet to come across many that are like my little girl.

 

[lliang_chi]

HOT, your little girl sounds VERY MATURE for a 12YO. I'm very impressed! I'm sure she'll turn out to be a fine young woman too. I figure no harm in sending you a compliment.

TooPatient, I remember being in grade school and being left alone for 1-2 hrs tops between coming home from school and my dad getting home. He owned a restaurant, so he'd get home around 4PM, make dinner, eat with us, and then leave form 8PM-11PM+. My mom would be home by 6:30/7PM and we'll all have dinner together at 7PM sharp. I have fond memories of climbing up on a chair to yelling "BYYYYE DAADDDYYY". Anyway, I digress, we were maybe 8 when we started coming home after school for an hour or so. I think we were 12YO when my folks started leaving us at home during school breaks. I remember being SO. BORED. We used to go to the restaurant with my dad a few days a week. After 12YO we used to go to nerd camps too during the summer, so that's 3 wks, then 6 wks once we were 16.

 

[TooPatient]

Nerd camps would be good!

HOT -- your daughter sounds wonderful! So thoughtful and organized!


I found a great program that can be up to 5 days a week after school. With any luck they've got an opening.
I'm scrambling today trying to shift my fall quarter classes so hopefully that will help too. Not sure what I'll do if the instructor won't let me in (there are 8 on the waitlist and I need to shift from the morning class I'm already registered in to the noon class with a waitlist ).

 

[lliang_chi]

TP, I hope you can get into the after school program. As a kid that was sent to nerd camps I really loved them, looked forward to them all year. So I'd highly suggest it.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

LC + TP - thanks so much for the compliments. She really a special young lady and I'm so lucky to have her.

TP - hopefully you were able to switch classes and attain a place in the after school program. Have you looked into any after school groups / activities / sports run by schools, churches, community centers, libraries? Maybe you could occupy her a couple of afternoons a week with something like this.
Thinking out of the box, can you speak to her teacher and see if there may be a suitable parent who would be willing to have her over one afternoon a week for a small fee? Or better yet, someone with small kids who could do with a couple of hours help a week to watch kids or help with dinner etc and maybe she could earn some pocket money while she is at it? Do you have any neighbors or family close by to help, or she (sorry just assuming its a girl) could help out?

 

[TooPatient]

LC + TP - thanks so much for the compliments. She really a special young lady and I'm so lucky to have her.

TP - hopefully you were able to switch classes and attain a place in the after school program. Have you looked into any after school groups / activities / sports run by schools, churches, community centers, libraries? Maybe you could occupy her a couple of afternoons a week with something like this.
Thinking out of the box, can you speak to her teacher and see if there may be a suitable parent who would be willing to have her over one afternoon a week for a small fee? Or better yet, someone with small kids who could do with a couple of hours help a week to watch kids or help with dinner etc and maybe she could earn some pocket money while she is at it? Do you have any neighbors or family close by to help, or she (sorry just assuming its a girl) could help out?

I'm sitting here frustrated trying to make some progress on this. School starts soon and we can't even manage to get her registered because of someone who is "helping". The after school program is for kids who are enrolled in that school so they won't take her (or even put us on a waiting list) until she's registered...

We have someone who would happily have her over for an afternoon or two each week so that will help until things get a bit more settled. She's not able yet to watch kids or even help with dinner. (she helps here, but it is much more work with the help than without). Worst case, I leave after my classes and pick her up so we can both do homework in the afternoon and she can help me with dinner.
There are lots of great options for afternoon activities in this area!

The school we're trying to get her registered for has great clubs (robotics, chess, math, drama, art, etc) that meet on different days. We'd love to get her into one or two of those and then do the after school program another 2-3 days/week so she gets extra homework help and can participate in some great activities.

Of course nothing can be done until we can get her registered...


No clue about my classes yet. I sent an e-mail to an instructor hoping to switch into their class but haven't heard back. There are a couple of other shuffles I can try if that doesn't work, so hopefully I can at least have my schedule set up to do whatever needs to be done.

 

[lliang_chi]

TP, I hope you can get your DD registered with the new school. Sounds like it'd be a great way for her to explore different activities also. If you don't mind me asking, how does your daughter help with making dinner? I think I remember doing stuff like making rice (in a rice cooker), washing & peeling vegetables and clearing up the prep dishes when my dad would make dinner.

 

[TooPatient]

I just want to cry. Okay.... I am crying.

Just so much going on. This whole thing is an absolute mess.

Waiting for a phone call. Hopefully we'll be able to get some information.

 

[TooPatient]

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The "nice slow transition" has just turned into an expensive court fight....

 

[aviastar]

Oh, man, TooPatient! Not sure if there is anything we can all do to physically help, but we're here for moral support! Sending you lots of thoughts, prayers, and strength!

 

[TooPatient]

Oh, man, TooPatient! Not sure if there is anything we can all do to physically help, but we're here for moral support! Sending you lots of thoughts, prayers, and strength!

Thank you.

This whole thing is just so crazy. We've got great legal help so that is good. I just feel so awful for this girl! She's been through so much already and just needs a stable home. I thought we were all on the same page and it was supposed to be a smooth transition to make sure she's as comfortable as possible...

 

[aviastar]

Oh, man, TooPatient! Not sure if there is anything we can all do to physically help, but we're here for moral support! Sending you lots of thoughts, prayers, and strength!

Thank you.

This whole thing is just so crazy. We've got great legal help so that is good. I just feel so awful for this girl! She's been through so much already and just needs a stable home. I thought we were all on the same page and it was supposed to be a smooth transition to make sure she's as comfortable as possible...

The specifics are always so different...but my parents have always had open arms for anyone who needed help; kids from church, cousins, my friends...if someone needed a roof and a bed and 3 square meals a day, it was all available at my house. Not every person who stayed with us went on to have a successful life but two very important things I saw come of their generosity, their compassion, and their love:
1) My siblings and I saw what they did, how they lived, and what they sacrificed to help others (convenience, money, time) and their example of consistent, habitual, compassionate service has molded us all to also live our lives like that. I am still working to become more like that (aren't we all?) but it's something I hope to also set an example of in my home.

And 2) Even if each individual who came to them for a little safety and a little love didn't miraculously have a wonderful life- they knew someone cared enough to advocate for them and it made a difference. And sometimes, mostly, they did go on to have miraculously wonderful lives and are still in touch.

So- you are already making a difference in this girl's life! She knows you care enough to advocate for her! She knows you love her! And she knows that you will be consistently be there for her- that's such a huge step in the stability journey! And the example you set by your actions- to us here, to your neighbors and family members, and most importantly, to her- is inspiring. Keep fighting the good fight- it really does and is making a difference! God Bless you for doing it!

 

[TooPatient]

Thanks Aviastar. It is good to hear that your parents were able to make a difference.

I'm walking around with a stack of legal coversheets for people to certify and stick with letters they've written that say SO and I aren't baby-eating monsters. It sucks. We'd really hoped to not have to go into detail so this girl could have a fresh start. Now everyone we know has every last dirty detail

It just stinks so bad. I can't share too much yet since this is a public forum, but everyone I've spoken to says that the whole thing is outrageous.