Typical LIW freak out!!

[TryingAgain]

Fellow(ette?) LIW please help me! I apologize in advance for this LONG post!!!

I am trying my best not to be a crazy LIW, but if you knew S/O, you''d know why I am.

S/O, we''ll call him "N" and I have been together for 14 months. I know it isn''t a long time by any means.

"N" and I knew from early on that we wanted to be together forever. I know it sounds cliche, but it''s true. I could go on and on about why I feel like we''re the perfect fit/match and how different this is from my previous LTR/Marriage. So we began looking at rings very early. Not really looking to buy, but to figure out our budget and figure out my taste. Honestly, I am the type of LIW who would take anything. I love diamonds of all shapes and sizes and I''m even not opposed to a blue sapphire. Honestly, "N" could make me a ring out of a twist tie and I''d absolutely say yes to his proposal. I love diamonds and I love jewelry, but I love "N" a whole lot more. I''m a cheese, I know!!!

I *thought* that we had set a timeline. "N"''s work will take him out of town for 6-8 months at the end of 2008 or beginning of 2009. I can''t tell him not to travel because his company is good to him and he makes a lot more money when he''s on the road. I trust him wholeheartedly. I will miss him, but his job gives him travel money, so we should be able to see each other 2 weekends a month. This isn''t ideal, but it''s doable. I know I''ll miss him terribly, but what''s 6-8 months when you''re talking in terms of the rest of your life?? So one night in bed we were talking about looking at rings and houses once he comes back from working out of state. I own my home, but we''d love to buy a home for both of us. My house is a tiny house I bought for "me" and I know we''d need something larger for "us" and our eventually expanding family. So basically we''d be looking in October/November 2009 for houses and rings and by that time we''ll have been together almost 2.5 years. He''s more for the house then the engagement, but I am not trying to mix finances with someone until we''re well on our way down the aisle to marriage. Not knocking any of you who have done it, but I just can''t.

Well, "N" is a jokester. Bless his heart, I usually love him for it. When it comes to my ring and our relationship, I do not!!!! So he jokes around about, "I don''t remember a time line!!!" Or when I talk about rings he''ll say, "You better start looking for a guy to buy it for you!!!" And I *know* he''s joking, but being a LIW... I do not find it funny!!! Because a long time ago someone told me that there is a bit of truth in every joke, so maybe I am a bit paranoid. And of course every now and then there''s that ever hated, "Marriage is stupid!" comment that he makes to people.

Well, now "N" is leaving on Tuesday. We just found out this week. He''ll be gone for two weeks, out of the country (not state, country!!!) for work. I am SO bummed! And with his 6-8 month departure coming up in the next few months, I''m going looney. I feel like the timeline I thought we made may have been a joke for him. And now I am not sure I have a timeline at all. I would wait 5 years if he told me that was his timeline, but I don''t want to wait for something that will never happen.

Anyway, I am extremely stressed out over this. I don''t want to be that LIW who harps on their S/O to marry them and I very much have the type of personality that could easily do so. What do I do? Do I ask him to talk timeline with me? Should I wait until he gets back from working in tropical paradise for two weeks? Man, what a lucky guy! LOL

Alright, sorry ladies. But you are the only ones who can understand my frustration!

(PS. I apologize in advance if there are major grammar mistakes. I am getting ready to leave work so I don''t have time to proof.)

 

[tessari]

My BF makes stupid jokes all the time and it is beyond annoying but then he also tells me how he really feels and it makes me feel better. I think you should have a serious talk to figure out what''s on his mind--maybe before he leaves--or maybe on one of your vists after he realizes how much he misses you.

 

[TryingAgain]

Damn the men!

Luckily, he leaves Tuesday and will be back shortly after Labor Day. Then November/December is when he leaves for months.

I''m just debating whether to have the talk this weekend or when he returns. Maybe after he goes without me folding his clothes and cooking for him for two weeks, he''ll be in a better frame of mind.

 

[jcarlylew]

i would wait until he gets back. for now though, write you want you want to talk about. You might not even re read it, but it will help you from dwelling the whole time.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hearing him tell other people that ''marriage is stupid'' makes me feel depressed. I guess he has ''friends of friends'' who can get women to give them love / advance their financial goals / help them buy houses etc without marriage, so perhaps he was hoping for a similar situation.

It sounds like he has a slightly negative pre-conception about marriage... but that his good experiences with you are talking him around.
If you''re still hearing him say silly childish things in a couple of years, unfortunately, he might be a bit of a taker, and you''ll have to suck it up or quit.

I would talk to him about it directly in six months, if he has not proposed by then. But that''s only me.

 

[TryingAgain]

Well, I am extremely depressed!

I tried to talk to N about it and he told me he will not give me a time line. That I should know he is coming home to be and that he will not tell me when he thinks he''ll be ready to be engaged.

So, I guess I''m not even really a LIW. Just frickin'' waiting.

I just don''t want to feel for 8+ months like I''m putting my all into something long distance if when he comes back he might not even be ready.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 8/16/2008 4:18:49 PM
Author: TryingAgain
Well, I am extremely depressed!

I tried to talk to N about it and he told me he will not give me a time line. That I should know he is coming home to be and that he will not tell me when he thinks he'll be ready to be engaged.

So, I guess I'm not even really a LIW. Just frickin' waiting.

I just don't want to feel for 8+ months like I'm putting my all into something long distance if when he comes back he might not even be ready.

Oh man, I can totally identify with this!

Is he really into it being a surprise? That's how my SO is too and he's also reluctant to give a timeline because then he thinks I'll be expecting it. What I don't think that men understand is, without a timeline, many of us (like me!) will just obsess MORE and thus probably exacerbate the very thing they are trying to avoid in the first place.

What I don't understand is, if I were in their situation, I would just give a longer timeline (ie, I'd say 2 years and then aim for 1.5 years). Then the girlfriend is happy, the issue has been resolved and you still get your surprise. Yes, there's some element of it coming, but having a definitive end in sight would personally put my mind at ease, so I'd at least relax! LOL. That said, we eventually did manage to work out a vague timeline (wish it were sooner, but at least I've got it).

Engagement and a marriage is about two people. It affects both of your lives and is not a unilateral decision. I had to explain that to my SO before he could really see my point of view. You have every right to know where the relationship is headed and when- VAGUELY- that will occur.

I mean, to me that is the equivalent of YOU saying that when he does propose, you may or may not be ready. It's not fair to the other person to leave them in the dark like that. Maybe if you talk to him about again, he will see your point of view. Stay calm and just express how much you care about him, and how that has made you eager to plan your lives together. Maybe he'll see the light?