Uggh! LIWitis strikes again!

[sammyj]

Ahhh! So, yesterday my BF got a phone call from one of his friends to announce that he and his girlfriend got engaged this past weekend. Now, I have yet to become angry or upset after hearing about another couple''s engagement (there have been 2 so far this month), but this one really irked me!

When my BF told me that he was finally ready to delve into the e-ring hunt and start planning a proposal (~2 months ago), I said that our engagement had to happen after one couple who have been together for 8+ years and before another couple who have been together for maybe 2 years. I know it''s not fair to base such a significant event on the happenings of other people, but we really like the first couple and everyone''s waiting for them to get engaged (8 years for goodness sake!); and we somewhat dislike half of the 2nd couple (the girl half) because ever since they got together she''s been talking marriage and babies and she just rubs everyone the wrong way. Anyway, so we found out that the 2nd couple got engaged on the weekend. My BF announces it to me with a big grin and a chuckle and my first reaction was "good for them" and immediately after I said "You''re slow!!!!" As in, my BF is pretty frigging slow to get the engagement ball rolling because we''ve been together for more than twice as long as they have and we''ve even been living together for longer than they''ve actually been together!

I know many of us LIWs have been lapped and everyone''s relationship moves at a different pace. I did tell my BF that I was upset upon hearing that news and I also said that it affects us girls much more than guys and that he wouldn''t understand. He apologized (not sure what for...maybe for being so slow?) which is all he can really do at this point.

Sorry for the rant...I just really needed a place to vent. But I''m also wondering how other ladies who have been visibly upset about hearing about other couple''s engagements have brought this up with their SOs?

 

[AprilD]

I have no advice because I am in a similar situation (and so many other ladies say things so much better.. hahah) - the last time a close cousin of his got engaged, and called to tell us, the minute we got off the phone I cried.

I dont think that I would cry now.. as I know mine is around the corner and sounds like yours is too.


You can vent to me anytime!!!!

 

[mynewobsession]

Not to worry, we''ve all been there (or at least I can say I''ve been there). The hardest hit for me was a couple of months ago when my best friend called to tell us she was engaged. I was so happy for her and I really like her fiance but it also made me incredibly sad. My SO and I have been together for over 7 years, and over the course of our relationship she has been in 3 serious, long term relationships! I told my SO, "We''ve been together since the Gordon years!!" (Her ex boyfriend from waaaay back.) It ended with a long conversation between the two of us on what both of our expectations are, our timeline, etc. Even though it caused some tears on my end, it was good for us because it helped him to realize how anxious I was feeling and we got the ball rolling again!

It''s hard but just try your best to focus on the good things and enjoy the anticipation. Before you know it, he''ll be ready to pop the question!

 

[gwendolyn]

Er, it sounds to me like your boyfriend thought it was funny/good news that the 2nd couple got engaged since he told you with a big grin. Then you got upset, and he said sorry (probably because he was now sorry you were upset). Not to be too harsh on you or anything, but I think your boyfriend had the right approach about the whole thing and then you kinda made out like it was his fault for being too slow at proposing. I mean, seriously, telling him what order amongst your friends he should propose? (I'm hoping that's just a joke?)

When the two of you (and anyone else) get engaged, it is (or should be) about BOTH of you feeling ready and wanting to move to the next step, with the proposal happening the way he wants to, not because you told him exactly how to do it. That's not teamwork, which is what relationships are to me. Who cares when other people get engaged? Their relationships are their own business, and when people are ready to make the step towards getting married (which, incidentally, takes some of us longer than others because it's a *big deal* and don't want to rush into anything), they will.

It's not a race. Really.

 

[laughwithme]

I am really sorry this is so frustrating for you

I think we have all been there.

I have been with my BF for 3 years, and my best friend and her now-husband got engaged on their one-year anniversary...they are married now and of course, my BF and I have been together longer and aren''t even engaged! There is another couple we know and are good friends with and there is a teeny-tiny chance they may get engaged in January - just based on assumptions since their 1-year anni is then and I think her BF is dying to lock her in. If they do get engaged then, I will be really really hurt and will be incapable of being happy for them - mostly b/c I would hope they would wait for us first. But, that is so selfish of me.

Basically, I totally feel for you - but literally, there is nothing you can do except grin and bear it. Just think, down the road, none of this will matter...who got engaged or married first and so forth. It just sucks right now!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 11/24/2008 11:47:30 AM
Author:sammyj
Ahhh! So, yesterday my BF got a phone call from one of his friends to announce that he and his girlfriend got engaged this past weekend. Now, I have yet to become angry or upset after hearing about another couple''s engagement (there have been 2 so far this month), but this one really irked me!

When my BF told me that he was finally ready to delve into the e-ring hunt and start planning a proposal (~2 months ago), I said that our engagement had to happen after one couple who have been together for 8+ years and before another couple who have been together for maybe 2 years. I know it''s not fair to base such a significant event on the happenings of other people, but we really like the first couple and everyone''s waiting for them to get engaged (8 years for goodness sake!); and we somewhat dislike half of the 2nd couple (the girl half) because ever since they got together she''s been talking marriage and babies and she just rubs everyone the wrong way. Anyway, so we found out that the 2nd couple got engaged on the weekend. My BF announces it to me with a big grin and a chuckle and my first reaction was ''good for them'' and immediately after I said ''You''re slow!!!!'' As in, my BF is pretty frigging slow to get the engagement ball rolling because we''ve been together for more than twice as long as they have and we''ve even been living together for longer than they''ve actually been together!

I know many of us LIWs have been lapped and everyone''s relationship moves at a different pace. I did tell my BF that I was upset upon hearing that news and I also said that it affects us girls much more than guys and that he wouldn''t understand. He apologized (not sure what for...maybe for being so slow?) which is all he can really do at this point.

Sorry for the rant...I just really needed a place to vent. But I''m also wondering how other ladies who have been visibly upset about hearing about other couple''s engagements have brought this up with their SOs?

I just cried. I didn''t bring it up gently. I said to him "my bf just got engaged" and I started crying like a baby. And he let me. Then I got over it.

He didn''t need to apologize because he didn''t do anything wrong (after all it is your conditions of when he should propose which are a little silly) but it was very kind hearted of him to do so.

Don''t beat yourself up too much. We have all gone through it and we''ve all shed the tears

 

[sammyj]

Date: 11/24/2008 12:55:59 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Er, it sounds to me like your boyfriend thought it was funny/good news that the 2nd couple got engaged since he told you with a big grin. Then you got upset, and he said sorry (probably because he was now sorry you were upset). Not to be too harsh on you or anything, but I think your boyfriend had the right approach about the whole thing and then you kinda made out like it was his fault for being too slow at proposing. I mean, seriously, telling him what order amongst your friends he should propose? (I'm hoping that's just a joke?)

When the two of you (and anyone else) get engaged, it is (or should be) about BOTH of you feeling ready and wanting to move to the next step, with the proposal happening the way he wants to, not because you told him exactly how to do it. That's not teamwork, which is what relationships are to me. Who cares when other people get engaged? Their relationships are their own business, and when people are ready to make the step towards getting married (which, incidentally, takes some of us longer than others because it's a *big deal* and don't want to rush into anything), they will.

It's not a race. Really.

Thanks gwen...I needed that! Don't get me wrong...I'm happy for the couple that got engaged and my BF was right in being happy too...but he was also chuckling like it was funny/ironic. We had had a conversation with some other people in our group of friends not too long ago about how all this girl really wants is to be engaged/married because that's all we ever hear her talking about...so it's ironic because it's her. I was also somewhat serious about the order of engagements. As bad as it sounds, we both want this one couple to get engaged first...for the sake of the LIW who has been waiting for over 8 years.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I do realize that it's about the two of us...and we are ready. There are just so many things to sort out in the meantime (finances, ring selection, etc.). I also know I may have overreacted, but I think it's important for guys to know how this affects us (as much as we don't want it to)!

 

[gwendolyn]

Ladies, you know I love you all, but no, we haven't *all* been there (saying this because quite a few of you felt the need to say so in this thread). It bothers me a bit that people react this way sometimes, but it's not really my business until I'm lumped into the same group. I am not trying to be a brat, but I *don't* ever feel that way, so please don't generalize.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:07:51 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 11/24/2008 12:55:59 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Er, it sounds to me like your boyfriend thought it was funny/good news that the 2nd couple got engaged since he told you with a big grin. Then you got upset, and he said sorry (probably because he was now sorry you were upset). Not to be too harsh on you or anything, but I think your boyfriend had the right approach about the whole thing and then you kinda made out like it was his fault for being too slow at proposing. I mean, seriously, telling him what order amongst your friends he should propose? (I''m hoping that''s just a joke?)

When the two of you (and anyone else) get engaged, it is (or should be) about BOTH of you feeling ready and wanting to move to the next step, with the proposal happening the way he wants to, not because you told him exactly how to do it. That''s not teamwork, which is what relationships are to me. Who cares when other people get engaged? Their relationships are their own business, and when people are ready to make the step towards getting married (which, incidentally, takes some of us longer than others because it''s a *big deal* and don''t want to rush into anything), they will.


It''s not a race. Really.

Thanks gwen...I needed that! Don''t get me wrong...I''m happy for the couple that got engaged and my BF was right in being happy too...but he was also chuckling like it was funny/ironic. We had had a conversation with some other people in our group of friends not too long ago about how all this girl really wants is to be engaged/married because that''s all we ever hear her talking about...so it''s ironic because it''s her. I was also somewhat serious about the order of engagements. As bad as it sounds, we both want this one couple to get engaged first...for the sake of the LIW who has been waiting for over 8 years.

On the one hand that''s very sweet, but on the other it''s rather foolish unless you know it''s days away from happening. What if the credit crunch has pushed their engagement plans back a year? Or more? Not out of the question--a few ladies here worry that their rings have been put on the back burner for at least a year for that very reason. Are you content to put your lives on hold until your friend has a ring on her finger?

As I said, your engagement should happen when the two of you are ready (which includes finances--that''s why my boyfriend and I are not getting engaged anytime soon), not when other people do XYZ. Otherwise, you might never get there!

 

[fieryred33143]

Sorry gwen.

It''s sort of a habit...like saying "you" when you mean soceity. I didn''t mean to imply that everyone goes through it because that would be silly to assume every LIW story is the same.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:19:14 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Sorry gwen.


It''s sort of a habit...like saying ''you'' when you mean soceity. I didn''t mean to imply that everyone goes through it because that would be silly to assume every LIW story is the same.

It''s ok, sweetie. I know it was an innocent mistake. Don''t worry about it.

I think people sometime do assume (very wrongly) that we ladies in waiting *are* all the same, which is why after the 3rd mention in this thread I decided to say something about it. No biggie.

 

[ringless]

Sammyj - So sorry to hear you're frustrated with all of that... I can sympathize, and I have been there too, a LOT of us have so please know you are not alone. There are some things I've 'learned' a long the way in my LIW... and the #1 thing is,
it is not a race, we can't think in terms of how long we've been with our bf's, how long our friends have been with theirs, etc. to justify why we aren't yet engaed, etc. ( YES ... I currently do this, but it is something I try to tell msyelf not to do everyday haha). Also, don't hold back what you say or appoligize, you feel the way you feel for a reason. We all have different opinions and that is fine, but dont let anyone sway how you feel even if it doesn't seem logical.

Vent anytime!

 

[sammyj]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:17:21 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 11/24/2008 1:07:51 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 11/24/2008 12:55:59 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Er, it sounds to me like your boyfriend thought it was funny/good news that the 2nd couple got engaged since he told you with a big grin. Then you got upset, and he said sorry (probably because he was now sorry you were upset). Not to be too harsh on you or anything, but I think your boyfriend had the right approach about the whole thing and then you kinda made out like it was his fault for being too slow at proposing. I mean, seriously, telling him what order amongst your friends he should propose? (I''m hoping that''s just a joke?)

When the two of you (and anyone else) get engaged, it is (or should be) about BOTH of you feeling ready and wanting to move to the next step, with the proposal happening the way he wants to, not because you told him exactly how to do it. That''s not teamwork, which is what relationships are to me. Who cares when other people get engaged? Their relationships are their own business, and when people are ready to make the step towards getting married (which, incidentally, takes some of us longer than others because it''s a *big deal* and don''t want to rush into anything), they will.


It''s not a race. Really.

Thanks gwen...I needed that! Don''t get me wrong...I''m happy for the couple that got engaged and my BF was right in being happy too...but he was also chuckling like it was funny/ironic. We had had a conversation with some other people in our group of friends not too long ago about how all this girl really wants is to be engaged/married because that''s all we ever hear her talking about...so it''s ironic because it''s her. I was also somewhat serious about the order of engagements. As bad as it sounds, we both want this one couple to get engaged first...for the sake of the LIW who has been waiting for over 8 years.

On the one hand that''s very sweet, but on the other it''s rather foolish unless you know it''s days away from happening. What if the credit crunch has pushed their engagement plans back a year? Or more? Not out of the question--a few ladies here worry that their rings have been put on the back burner for at least a year for that very reason. Are you content to put your lives on hold until your friend has a ring on her finger?

As I said, your engagement should happen when the two of you are ready (which includes finances--that''s why my boyfriend and I are not getting engaged anytime soon), not when other people do XYZ. Otherwise, you might never get there!

Actually, the guy said this time last year that he was proposing in the next 6 months. Then he told me in the summer (June/July?) that he had gone shopping for rings with a budget in mind and they are both well off. The economic crisis hasn''t seem to have affected anyone around us just yet. We have all asked him what''s up and we have no idea why he''s taking so long! I know it''s foolish to wait for them...which isn''t exactly what we plan to do. I don''t know...I guess it''s just a friend looking out for a friend.

And gwen, in regards to not feeling LIWitis and not wanting to be lumped in the same group, I''d say you''re pretty lucky! I *think* I can speak for all of us that do feel a pang of disappointment/jealousy of hearing of another''s engagement, we definitely don''t WANT to feel the way we do!

fiery and ringless, thanks for sharing your stories and feeling my pain and reading my vent

. I think I am over it now and I fully plan on apologizing to my BF when he gets home for overreacting!

 

[vita*dolce]

sammyj--

sorry you''re so frustrated!! try not to think about it, i''ve been getting lapped left and right lately, too. we''ve all been there, and it can be annoying, but the most you can do is put on your happy face and remember that you''re in a wonderful, loving relationship and that you''ll get there when the time is right.

plus, at least your SO''s friends like you!! i''d hate to be the disliked girl-half of couple 2!!

 

[purselover]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:07:51 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 11/24/2008 12:55:59 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Er, it sounds to me like your boyfriend thought it was funny/good news that the 2nd couple got engaged since he told you with a big grin. Then you got upset, and he said sorry (probably because he was now sorry you were upset). Not to be too harsh on you or anything, but I think your boyfriend had the right approach about the whole thing and then you kinda made out like it was his fault for being too slow at proposing. I mean, seriously, telling him what order amongst your friends he should propose? (I''m hoping that''s just a joke?)

When the two of you (and anyone else) get engaged, it is (or should be) about BOTH of you feeling ready and wanting to move to the next step, with the proposal happening the way he wants to, not because you told him exactly how to do it. That''s not teamwork, which is what relationships are to me. Who cares when other people get engaged? Their relationships are their own business, and when people are ready to make the step towards getting married (which, incidentally, takes some of us longer than others because it''s a *big deal* and don''t want to rush into anything), they will.


It''s not a race. Really.

Thanks gwen...I needed that! Don''t get me wrong...I''m happy for the couple that got engaged and my BF was right in being happy too...but he was also chuckling like it was funny/ironic. We had had a conversation with some other people in our group of friends not too long ago about how all this girl really wants is to be engaged/married because that''s all we ever hear her talking about...so it''s ironic because it''s her. I was also somewhat serious about the order of engagements. As bad as it sounds, we both want this one couple to get engaged first...for the sake of the LIW who has been waiting for over 8 years.


Thanks everyone for your responses. I do realize that it''s about the two of us...and we are ready. There are just so many things to sort out in the meantime (finances, ring selection, etc.). I also know I may have overreacted, but I think it''s important for guys to know how this affects us (as much as we don''t want it to)!

As someone who''s been in a relationship for almost 8 years and not engaged b/c both of us want to wait. I hope none of my friends are thinking "oh I better wait for purselover to get engaged for her sake" I feel like Gwen does I don''t believe in this lapping business I''m sorry you''re upset but I would be very offended if I was that friend you were "waiting" on getting engaged.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:12:27 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Ladies, you know I love you all, but no, we haven''t *all* been there (saying this because quite a few of you felt the need to say so in this thread). It bothers me a bit that people react this way sometimes, but it''s not really my business until I''m lumped into the same group. I am not trying to be a brat, but I *don''t* ever feel that way, so please don''t generalize.

I''m with Gwen.

I am always happy for others when they get engaged. Love is such a beautiful thing!

That is not to say that I don''t get frustrated or anxious about when my "time" will come, but it has nothing to do with anyone else''s relationships. I''ve been with SO for 5+ years, so most people I know have not been together for nearly as long. *shrug* That''s not their fault. I just don''t deal with suspense or anxiety well, so I was doing all fine until he got the ring! Now I vacillate between sane and batty!

But it''s all my my own doing.

hehe

 

[sammyj]

Date: 11/24/2008 6:25:49 PM
Author: purselover


As someone who''s been in a relationship for almost 8 years and not engaged b/c both of us want to wait. I hope none of my friends are thinking ''oh I better wait for purselover to get engaged for her sake.'' I feel like Gwen does. I don''t believe in this lapping business. I''m sorry you''re upset but I would be very offended if I was that friend you were ''waiting'' on getting engaged.

purselover, I would also be offended if I was in your situation however, it is a different situation with this couple. They are not waiting because they want to. I have spoken to the girl several times about an engagement and she has been expecting a proposal for over a year. The boy in this relationship is also very ready as he''s looked at rings. They are financially stable...they bought a house a couple of years ago, have an adorable pug named Hercules, and very stable jobs. Yes, if they had made it known to everyone that they were waiting because they want to, then we all wouldn''t be expecting them to be next.

vita*dolce...yes, I am very glad that I''m not a disliked girlfriend!

 

[jcarlylew82]

you know, reading these threads makes me realize, if E and i get engaged soon, we''d be laping his brother and girlfriend. i know this is silly, but i never though about lapping THEM.

just a weird thought.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/24/2008 5:53:30 PM
Author: sammyj
Actually, the guy said this time last year that he was proposing in the next 6 months. Then he told me in the summer (June/July?) that he had gone shopping for rings with a budget in mind and they are both well off. The economic crisis hasn''t seem to have affected anyone around us just yet. We have all asked him what''s up and we have no idea why he''s taking so long! I know it''s foolish to wait for them...which isn''t exactly what we plan to do. I don''t know...I guess it''s just a friend looking out for a friend.

I can kind of see where you''re coming from, honestly! But I also consider an engagement to fundamentally be such an incredibly personal thing that, if it was me in your friend''s place, I think I''d be absolutely mortified to know that my marital status was the main factor holding up my friends'' engagements. As other people on PS have mentioned, if people really want to be engaged, they get engaged--it''s not about finances or rings or fancy dinners or elaborate proposals. There may be an innocent reason behind the delay (like having trouble surprising her, delays with the ring), or maybe it''s deeper than that. Either way, I think
I''d feel really embarrassed that my personal life was the subject of so much scrutiny and discussion amongst my friends. Yeah, I want them to be happy for me, but that''s not the same as them breathing down my neck for my engagement annoucement! (not saying that you''re doing that to your friend, but in that situation, if I found out after the fact that you were waiting for me, I''d feel really self-conscious!!)

And gwen, in regards to not feeling LIWitis and not wanting to be lumped in the same group, I''d say you''re pretty lucky! I *think* I can speak for all of us that do feel a pang of disappointment/jealousy of hearing of another''s engagement, we definitely don''t WANT to feel the way we do!

I''m sure you don''t want to feel that way, but I wouldn''t say it''s luck exactly, as I don''t believe in luck.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/25/2008 6:41:33 AM
Author: jcarlylew82
you know, reading these threads makes me realize, if E and i get engaged soon, we'd be laping his brother and girlfriend. i know this is silly, but i never though about lapping THEM.


just a weird thought.

SO and I got lapped about a year ago, by his brother. I don't think anyone in his family saw it coming (even though I did

). They got engaged in Jan, married in July. I didn't mind at all, and it was lovely going to their wedding and getting to spend time with SO's family. I wouldn't even be able to understand if they said they were waiting for us. Why on earth would they do that? It would be utterly odd and absurd, to me. The only twinge of jealousy I felt was when I saw a pic of the bride-to-be with SO's mom, and I felt an instinctual defensiveness, like she was my mom and being stolen!

(I can imagine feeling the same way if I saw a picture of my dad with his new daughter in law

) But I thought it was cute that I felt that way, and it made me more excited about the day when it would be my turn. I also loved and hated all the attention that we got at the wedding (When are you guys getting married???) I want to elope, so that all felt really awkward. I hate to feel like so many people will be disappointed by that.

Anyway, I think it really depends on the people involved, as to whether people feel compelled to wait and not lap others. I can imagine my sister being FURIOUS if I lapped her, even though she is younger than me. (she's a leo) My older brother wouldn't care one way or another. None of my friends are competitive like that, so I've never really thought about it, and I get so happy and excited for people who find their forever love! If anything, I would push for MORE engagements, ASAP! I might be waiting forever, but if I am surrounded by love, who can be that upset?

 

[Pandora II]

Hmmm, I''ve never really understood people getting upset when they ''KNOW'' that their own engagement is in the pipeline.

Right up until the second that my husband proposed, I thought it would never happen as he had made no secret of his feelings about marriage. He wanted to ''not'' be married to me for ever and while I knew that he was 100% committed I didn''t have the outward expression of this and I wasn''t too happy at the idea of never getting married or of having children outside marriage - nor did I want to force him into anything.

I was also 34...

As our friends started to get engaged I did find it very hard - I was always happy for them, but it wasn''t a case of waiting for my turn - I didn''t know if it would ever be my turn.

So, my advice to those of you who know a proposal is in the offing - just relax and quit worrying. Who gets married/engaged first really doesn''t matter - far more important is having a happy marriage 20 years down the line...

 

[sammyj]

Hey ladies...thanks for your insight. After starting this thread, I did realize that I was overreacting and I actually apologized to my BF last night. We came to the realization that I was not upset upon hearing of the couple''s engagement, it really had more to do with not liking that girl! As terrible as it sounds I''m not afraid to admit it. We are both genuinely happy for them and I do wish them every bit of happiness imaginable...it was just a gut reaction that I chose not to control.

My BF and I haven''t been together for a reaaaallllly long time but we''ve been together long enough...sometimes lapping bothers me and sometimes it doesn''t. It really has to do with the couple and not just whether or not I like them, but how they interact as a couple. But really, who am I to judge??

btw, my BF found out the details of the e-ring and he commented on how they definitely did not do as much research as we have been doing! thank goodness for PS!!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/25/2008 2:11:22 PM
Author: sammyj
btw, my BF found out the details of the e-ring and he commented on how they definitely did not do as much research as we have been doing! thank goodness for PS!!!!

I think we can ALL agree with that!