Ugh! Wedding Etiquette Disagreement...Input Please?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to try to keep this brief, sorry! I'll give a little background first so hopefully it makes sense. Prior to my relationship (well, even still) FI's older sister (she's 5 years older than him) would often (always?) put the effort in to buy gifts for his mom, etc. and say they were from FI as well. When asked about buying his mom a birthday gift last year, the response was "Sister takes care of that" (leaving her name out to respect privacy). I'm the type of person that enjoys giving gifts and I feel like it's not right after a certain age to allow the elder in a relationship to shoulder the responsibility as well. So we've been taking care of those things, which he does enjoy and agrees that it's better/right.

So fast forward to my current emotional snag. FI and I are attending his cousin's wedding in Florida in December. FI's sister has purchased a gift that was about $175.00 total, but there are several parts to the set. Part of the gift is being sent to the groom's father's home. Today, FMIL sent the following email to the groom's father, who is paying for a majority of the wedding.

"Hi, Sister is having part of the wedding gift from her and FI sent to your address.  Please do not open. It is from Silver Expressions.  They will wrap with the other part once they get there.  Thanks."


I'm REALLY struggling with this, and I don't know if I'm being completely unreasonable or not. FMIL is very supportive of our relationship, so I know that she's not purposefully make me look bad or anything ridiculous like that. I know that she didn't mention Sister's husband (though he's their only source of income and they've been married for 11 years, so it sort of goes w/o saying that he contributed).

I feel like this is a reminder that there's still work to be done in terms of us doing these things as a unit vs. his sister feeling like she's the responsible partner for gifts. In my experience, it's the woman in the relationship that orchestrates the gift task, or is at least included. His mother and his sister organized the gift, etc. and since we didn't know we would be able to come until after it was purchased, they suggesting that we just make it a family gift. I do understand the logic, and I am not against it. I would not mind giving her some money to help pay for the gift (still plan to). I just feel really awkward and sadly, upset by the way that FI's mom worded this (which is how she would have prior to him being with me). I feel like it portrays me as someone who isn't interested in giving the bride and groom a gift and I just want to show up for the party, which isn't the case at all.

Does any of this make sense? Am I being completely childish about this, or would you have negative feelings about it too? Urgh!

 

[iota15]

Back away....

I don't think there's a slight here. Plus, as you said, even Sister's DH wasn't mentioned, and e-mail is sometimes casual like that.

To some extent, I think cousin's father would assume your unit (fiance and you) contributed to the lovely gift. When you all wrap the gift and include a proper card, everyone can sign it together (and I'm sure you'll all be acknowledged accordingly by the lovely couple).

I wouldn't raise any feathers with FMIL over this... (unless there's a history, but even then, I'd still want to consider long and hard whether this is where I'd draw the line). The e-mail seems very simple, quickly written and rather innocent, and I think raising a fuss over this would only make *you* seem unreasonable to other people.

 

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the input. To clarify, I don't want to create a problem or bring it up and I've already told FI that. I just want to try to work through my feelings because I was hung up by it. You're right though. In the long run, which matters most, it will be obvious that I'm not just there to "get a free meal" or whatever.

 

[sillyberry]

I had to read what you wrote about 5 times to figure out what the problem was, so I really and truly wouldn't worry about it. I can't imagine your FMIL meant anything by it or that the groom's father took it to mean you weren't involved.

But it's nice that you want everyone to know that you care and feel like you're a part of the family.

 

[amc80]

I think the sister is just set in her ways. After all, you said she's been doing this for years. It is up to your fiance to politely tell her that you would like to handle gifts from you two. Or that you would enjoy being more involved in the process. This is a pretty petty issue to get upset over in the grand scheme of things. Take a deep breath and enjoy the wedding.

Another thought- maybe next time there is potential for a situation like this you can be proactive. Call the sister well in advance of the event (birthday or whatever) and say "hey I've been thinking that so-and-so would really enjoy xyz gift. What is your opinion on that?"

Just a thought.

 

[iota15]

Trust me - no one, including cousin's father, is going to think you traveled allll the way to Florida for a "free dinner". Cousin invited you because you are part of the family, and you are taking the time to travel there because again, you are now part of the family.

FSIL is not intruding on your new unit (territory) by buying gifts, as she has been traditionally known to do, for your fiance, you, her and her husband. With time, you will all establish, as you have the inclination, to buy your own gifts or to buy gifts on behalf of your fiance. It will just take some time for all involved to get used to a new family dynamic and tradition, but give it time. It'll get there.


(ETA - I'd be tempted to go back to fiance and say, "haha - oh that thing about the e-mail, don't worry about it. I was just being silly". Boys sometime have the unenviable habit of bringing these things up to their mothers - thinking it's nothing, and brings it up for no reason at all. You wouldn't want to sour what seems like a good FMIL/DIL relationship over something like this. The e-mail really does seem innocent, and once your frustration clears, you don't want this hanging over your FMIL/DIL relationship.)

 

[Anonymous]

Iota - I have NO idea why I didn't think of these things prior to posting. Very good points, again. I wish I could just delete the whole post.

silly - I know, it's something that is almost completely settled and the wedding hasn't even happened yet!

amc - I will definitely do that with future situations, as we have already done w/other things. This was, I'm pretty sure, an isolated situation. They've all made me a part of the family and are supportive of us as a couple. I have had a bit of time to dissect my feelings and came to realize that I'm reacting this way because of incidents that have happened in the past w/my ex and his family. This issue is very much laid to rest now. Thanks!

 

[chemgirl]

I'm glad that you realized its not a big deal. I was reading down the thread getting ready to respond and then I saw your last response.

Not to rehash something that's finished, but I understand getting a bit annoyed about something like that. It looks like an oversight on their part, but its probably just habbit and is not a slight against you at all. Congrats for taking a step back and realizing that everything's fine!

 

[meresal]

I think you are thinking it thru too much.

I think it was nice that they put you on it. You didn't have to buy your own.

 

[StonieGrl]

This is kind of funny from an old married lady perspective: Most married women of certain length of time would LOVE to not be responsible for the gift-giving and card sending for their inlaws!!

I handled all the gifts/cards for about 5 years and then I couldn't stand it anymore and I told DH that I was backing off, that he and his family of origin had this handled long before I came on the scene and really, my interference was not required.

So our current 'deal' is that I handle gifts/cards for my relatives and friends and my DH handles his.

It works out great, particularly since I'm a huge spender for gifts and my DH, not so much.