Update on FI and wedding stuff

[Cupcake*Muffin]

Hi ladies--just wanted to update everyone since everyone was so kind about the initial post.

FI has been on steroids for a week. The doctor usually reserves steroids after exhausting PT, massage therapy, etc. However, with the wedding around the corner and FI's determination to be at the wedding and honeymoon, he sped up the process and started him on the steroids, muscle relaxants, and steroid patch. All of which helped FI's pain level back down to a more manageable level but that's still an 8 out of 10, instead of 10 out of 10. Unfortunately, he was done with them the day before so his swelling is back up and his pain is back to 10

. Each day--by the time 4pm rolls around FI can barely walk, with or without the steroids if he's been on his feet at all that day. He is still going to PT and massage therapy. The next step is an epidural shot into the spine and possibly surgery. Dr. and FI want to hold off until after we get back from the honeymoon. Which I know---its crazy but I trust the doctor's opinion that the situation is stable and it can wait.

FI is contacting the lawyer to talk to him about pressing charges against the teenage driver that hit him. He also is getting worried about the money part of it all because the bills are starting to roll in---we are close to $30k right now with all the MRIs and hospital visits. I am worried sick too...things suck right now. FI canceled his bachelor party which was supposed to be this week because he really isn't up for it and also he is worried that if the guys all get drunk they might hurt him or he might hurt himself more. So now they are just having a BBQ at the house. Which I feel really badly for him about...I wish this didn't happen. He is so sad about not having it, even though it wasn't going to get wild and crazy anyways, but it would have been nice for him to have it on his own terms instead of this water-down version.

On top of all this, I feel like a bad fiancee....and if I am, please tell me ok? I am so tired from work, finishing the wedding stuff, and worrying about FI. Every night I get home and as soon as I get in the door, I'm taking care of him. I want him to get better and really, it doesn't matter to me if I have to pick up after him. I pretty much take care of him until I go to bed--which, just makes me more tired because I'm staying up late taking care of him. I feel like a bad fiance because I am so tired all the time so when he asks me to do stuff like massage him, I sometimes don't feel up for it.

I also feel bad because we no longer talk about the wedding or how exciting it will be to be married or focus on the wedding because of his injuries...which I am resenting the kid for. We can't even be excited about something we have planned for a year and half...we talk about his accident and injury for hours on end--sometimes I feel insensitive because I feel like I'm desensitized. I also feel like he doesn't like me (which is probably the silliest thing you've heard and I feel like I'm 5 for saying it but that's how I feel). I know that the stress from the injury and the pain is taking its toll on him. But I also miss being hugged and kissed --- I guess I miss FI the way he was (affectionate). I also miss the intimacy (ahem...you know what I'm talking about...

, which is impossible in his state and will probably be something he won't be able to do for months--he has shooting pain in his groin, which is probably TMI). Either way, I feel selfish for wanting those things when he is hurting

. I know he's in a different place than the FI that I had before the accident. And I don't want him to feel bad about any of this stuff--so I haven't really told him any of this because he feels so bad. I guess I am just venting. I hope that I don't sound like a jerk, I really just miss my happy, loving FI (who planned the wedding--pretty much all of it cause he's that awesome

).

The wedding is in 23 days-I thought we would be talking about it and how exciting it is. Which is what we did before. I know I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard when we only focus on his injuries and the bills and etc. FI even said that he feels bad that the wedding is overshadowed by his accident. I guess that's what happens when something traumatic happens. Any advise for me?

 

[RaiKai]

Hey cupcake,

I am glad to hear from you. I was thinking of you this week as I have a couple files on my desk related to these sorts of things!

I am so sorry things are not turning out as you had both planned for so long.

I am going to say right away though...there is NOTHING "bad" about you. There is NOTHING wrong or bad about feeling the way you do. No feelings are "bad". They are your genuine feelings.

Here is the thing, in order to give you also have to be able to recharge and "take". It is great you are helping FI out so much....but also don't forget to take care of YOU! It is not at all surprising that you feel a bit desensitized and exhausted after so much emotions running high and taking care of him after working all day too!

And you are not selfish for missing the intimacy and so on. Not at all. Hopefully once the pain is managed a bit better there will be a bit more ability to have some fun alternatives for the time being

I do think you DO need to talk. While he is having troubles, there is nothing barring you from talking to him in a compassionate NON-BLAMING way. That is what strong couples do, you know? You are there for each other...but you also don't deny your own feelings, hopes, fears, and so on to each other. That is only going to increase the emotional distance, increase the risk of resentment, and so on. You are a team, and even though he is the physically injured one, you aren't immune to what has happened from this accident.

I really think that over the next while you and FI may find counseling to be of a benefit - for you in coping with these feelings, and him for coping with his own frustrations, pain and so forth. It is great you can be there for one another....but you also need to be there for yourselves and not unload all the burden. It may also come to some aid when you start feeling bad about the intimacy or help you in talking to him about some of these things.

Lots more hugs being sent your way.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I''m so sorry, dear! What you''re going through is unfair, awful, and it downright sucks!

I think you''re being a great help to him by taking care of him. You doing exactly what you''re supposed to do when you commit to those wedding vows, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health." I think you''re being very self-less. This whole situation has exhausted you, so if you don''t feel up to massaging him at the end of the day, it''s OK. It''s also perfectly fine to miss the affection and intimacy. You''re only human. It''s OK to WANT those things, but it''s important to realize that physically, you can''t have them right now. I''m sure he misses it too, but the pain distracts him from it. I think it''s OK to tell him that you miss intimacy, as long as you''re not expecting him to do something about it. It''s OK to let him know how much you care for him and still desire him and still love him. I''m also sure he loves you and appreciates all you do for him! Again, being in pain suppresses positive emotions. Also, steroids can cause personality changes while you''re on them (including rage), and muscle relaxants can make you tired and subdued. So, keep in mind that in addition to the pain, he may not be himself due to the medications too.

Maybe you should talk to your FI again about postponing the wedding until you can both be happier and more excited about it (if that''s what you want). Explain to him that his injuries are important right now. Tell him that you''re 100% ready for the responsibilities and joys of being his wife, but that you just can''t celebrate it right now. I think it''s OK. The joy and excitement of a wedding is something very special that has been ripped away from you. I think it''s OK to wait until you can feel that joy and excitement again. Also, are you even going to be able to be intimate on your wedding night without hurting him? Are you going to enjoy your honeymoon, if you have to travel?

But- if you do decide to go through with the wedding right now, I think you should talk to your FI about it. Maybe for 1/2 of your evenings, you can vent and talk about injuries and medical bills and lawyers, then for the 2nd half of the night, you''re only allowed to talk about wedding stuff and the marriage. Sometimes "scheduling" your worry time can help ease stress.

I''m so sorry, sweetie! I really feel awful for you and the whole situation! I just hope you and your FI can find some comfort and peace soon.

 

[yssie]

Oh cupcake, it's good to hear from you - I want to come over and give you a giant HUG!


You're not a 'bad fiance' to feel angry, hurt, upset, frustrated, resentful, disappointed.. one stranger's bad decision is costing you both so much, financially and emotionally. I absolutely think you should press charges. You're under an incredible amount of stress right now and you sound like you're holding up really really well - hang in there!


I would recommend talking to your FI about how you're honestly feeling, if you can. He's hurting, but he knows you and he loves you, and he knows you're hurting for him and it might make both of you feel better to talk to each other and get it all out, KWIM? You mention that he feels bad for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and disappointing you and your friends and families, I'm guessing he's feeling much more guilty than he's letting on, irrational as that is

Even if you can't muster much enthusiasm for the wedding right now a heart to heart might help.



You're an amazing fiance, taking care of him and keeping yourself functioning, and he definitely knows it cupcake

 

[TooPatient]

You are NOT a bad fiance.

You are wonderful and doing everything you can to take care of him and work and everything else. You should be tired.

You deserve (and really need) to take some time for yourself. Stop for a manicure after work, take a few hours on the weekend to go shopping for yourself, go to the spa, whatever you want to do for you. The world won''t end if you take two hours out of your busy week and just take care of yourself.


You are a good person and a wonderful fiance.

 

[katamari]

It is great to hear your FI is improving, if only a bit. What a horrific thing to happen to him.

Do you have close friends or family in your area? I think there is not one thing wrong with asking for help caring for FI. Perhaps having someone come in every night for an hour or two for you to do something for yourself, nap, or take care of wedding tasks would help you both.

You are not a bad fiance by any stretch of the imagination because you are stressed and burdened by such a terrible experience. The only way "bad" will come of this is if either of you start resenting the other, so a huge ditto to all PPs who encourage you to do your best to talk everything out.

Marriage is about maintaining a relationship through the good and the bad. If anything, I suggest focusing on how the two of you are managing through such a hardship and try to find happiness in the fact that you are just making it through this--that in itself is quite an accomplishment.

 

[Cupcake*Muffin]

Date: 5/27/2010 1:53:44 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx

Also, are you even going to be able to be intimate on your wedding night without hurting him? Are you going to enjoy your honeymoon, if you have to travel?

See, this is what I''m worried about. Him hurting if we even try to be intimate. Last night we did have a heart to heart and I definitely feel better. I think he does too. I worry that his back will be hurting like it was last night so we might not be able to be intimate for a long time

. Marriage isn''t all about the sex, but it''s an important part and I feel like he would be pushing himself too hard to try and give me that since he feels like he needs to. I think we are just in between a rock and a hard place. We are flying to Puerto Vallarta the day after the wedding for the honeymoon. FI wants me to bring the lingerie from the lingerie shower that my friends threw me...but I have doubt that he will feel up for anything like that.

We did decide to divide up the night and talk about how excited we are for the wedding instead of devoting day in and day out on his accident--which, don''t get me wrong, is VERY important because I want him to be able to vent if he needs to. But I also need him to focus on our wedding too, especially since he is adamant about going through with it. I just need to feel like there are positive things happening--like the wedding and our marriage, so I reminded him of that. I also told him that I don''t mind caring for him but I do a break sometimes. I''m probably going to start getting massages once a week from now until we leave...I think they will help. I don''t think FI understood that what he feels--I feel too.

Thank you ladies for the reassurance. I hope that FI gets good news at the dr''s today. I think they are going to start him on the epidural shot

Hopefully he gets some relief soon.

 

[monkeyprincess]

So sorry you''re going through this. I think it is normal to have the feelings you''re having. Hang in there.

 

[S&I]

Cupcake, I''m really glad that you had that discussion with your FI, and that you''re feeling better. And I think your idea to get massages once a week is a good one too. Just do the best you can, and try to remember that he would do the same for you if the tables were turned. I know it''s hard. Hopefully your lawyer can figure out something to help you guys with the bills.

Please come back and update us on his doctor''s visit!

 

[Cupcake*Muffin]

Just wanted to update:

Mr. Cupcake shows no improvement. Dr. gave him more pain meds to help him except he''s getting to the point where the hydrocodine isn''t really working like it used to. I guess he''s building up tolerance. He goes back in next Friday. More PT and massage therapy for him. I really hope he starts feeling better soon. I don''t know how we are going to make it to Edisto with a 15 hour drive and a crippled passenger who''s in constant pain. All I can do is hope for the best and pray for some change soon

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/28/2010 1:45:55 PM
Author: cupcake*muffin
Just wanted to update:


Mr. Cupcake shows no improvement. Dr. gave him more pain meds to help him except he''s getting to the point where the hydrocodine isn''t really working like it used to. I guess he''s building up tolerance. He goes back in next Friday. More PT and massage therapy for him. I really hope he starts feeling better soon. I don''t know how we are going to make it to Edisto with a 15 hour drive and a crippled passenger who''s in constant pain. All I can do is hope for the best and pray for some change soon

I really recommend the once-a-week massages for you. Something relaxing to look forward to....where it is JUST about you for that one hour or so.