Update

[bubbly1126]

So sorry I haven''t updated! I''ve been trying to keep busy and been doing some much needed thinking and time on my own.

I spoke to BF about how I was feeling and he was really upset. I guess he wasn''t aware of the way he was making me feel and how unhappy things between us were making me. We had a LONG talk about everything... past, present and future. I told him of my feeling like I am very dependent on him and how I want to go out with my girlfriends more and just be able to feel like I can exist without him there all the time. He absolutely understood this and encouraged me to do so. (He has never stopped me from doing those things, I myself did that.) One of our major issues was my not being able to fully trust him. I told him that he needed to really think about whether or not he could really spend the rest of his life with me and be happy and never be tempted to look elsewhere. If he didn''t 100% think he could do that then we needed to end it and not look back. I told him not to give me his answer right then, as I wanted him to really take the time and think about his life and where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do.

We both agreed to give ourselves until Valentine''s Day to think about things. This way, if we decide to stay together we could celebrate to a new beginning together or if we decide to go our separate ways, at least we''d have one last special occasion together.

I do not at all feel as though I "backed down" or anything of that sort. I''m sure some of you will see it that way. But it wasn''t until I was speaking those words to him out loud that I realized what this really meant. I realized how much this man really means to me and how I want so much for him to be the one I grow old with. I feel as though a lot of my issues, which I have unfortunately made "our" issues, lies within me and not us. I am willing to give this relationship one more shot, if he is. So, we''ll see on Thursday!

For the first time in a while, I actually feel at ease and happy. Maybe I just needed him to know how I felt.

I appreciate all of your words of wisdom and encouragement and hope that you support me in my decision as I feel this is what is best for me at this point.

 

[honey22]

Hi bubbly1126! Congratulations on making the decision to work on your relationship. It''s often easier to walk away that staying and trying to sort through those issues. It''s excellent that you can talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings, and I am sure this will help you both get to a place where you are most happy, be it with each other or apart.

Although not at the point of separating, my partner and I had issues we felt had gone unresolved for many years (we have been together 12 years this year). About 18 months ago we went to relationship counselling, on and off for about 10 months. It was honestly the best thing we could have done, just sitting down sharing our true feelings where we felt like we had a ''moderator'' to guide us through the sticky points. I can honestly say I learnt to listen and hear what he was saying. Without sounding like a day-time movie, things have never been better, and I can honestly say that it''s because we actually communicate and understand where the other person is coming from a lot better. I am not saying that you need to go down this avenue, but I guess my point is, communication and explaining your true feelings is the key to sorting out any issues you might have. It was suprising to me to find out that there were things about the man I had been living with for almost a decade, my best friend and soul-mate that I didn''t know, or understand. It was almost like stepping back and having a look from an outsiders point of view. It was also incredibly rewarding when we had finished to know we had really achieved something together, and we so often say how glad we were to make that first scary step in sorting things out. And, I am a bit (!) to say, that after so many years of him never wanting to get married and being unsure, the ring in being made now, and soon to be delivered to him for safe-keeping until the ''suprise proposal''.

I can''t speak for everyone here, but I can say you absolutely have my support in your decision, although that''s not really relevant. What''s important is that you do what makes you happy, and it''s great to hear you are feeling at ease and happy. I really send you my best wishes that you work things through. But I have to say, if you are both feeling brave and are prepared for a few wake-up calls, relationship counselling can be invaluable, it''s really worth a try. Remember we are here for you, when you need to vent, celebrate, cry or just chat! Good luck

I just have to say, I am totally not a counsellor or trying to drum up work, I am just a wierdo scientist (my sisters the crazy social worker / counsellor

).

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that you''ve backed down at all. It''s great that you''ve spoken about everything with him and you''ve identified where the problems are and hopefully you two can move on together and that the relationship will improve. I''m keeping everything crossed for you for your talk tomorrow. I hope that everything works out in the right way.

 

[Miscka]

Bubbly, sweetie, you shouldn''t feel like you have to defend yourself to us! I should hope no one would make you feel badly for doing what you feel is right.
I know how you feel, sometimes it is hard to make your needs known and understood. I am glad he seems open to discussing them. Good luck tomorrow, I will be thinking about you.

 

[ladypirate]

I''m glad the talk went well--it''s a great idea to get all the issues out on the table and really work through them.

Good luck on Thursday--whatever happens, it''ll be nice to have some closure.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

You confronted him and you were honest about what you have been feeling. There''s no shame in that. In fact, I would call that progress. Sounds like you have to start making some priority shifts in your life (i.e. spending more time with your friends) and I think it''s great that he''s supportive of this decision and that you recognize it needs to happen. Moreso, I give you kudos for being able to admit that you are at fault for chosing your BF over your friends. You didn''t try to place blame where it wasn''t due which definately reflects an advanced level of maturity.

I hope things start to fall into place and that you both land on the same page.

I hope things work out for the best and you have a wonderful Valentines Day together!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I hope it works out in a way that is best for you. You deserve to be as happy as you can be and I''m glad you are taking steps to accomplish that. Good luck!

 

[choro72]

I completely understand your decision. And I believe it is a good wake up call to your SO, and hopefully you can seriously work things out. My friends (married) were having serious conflict a few months ago. It ended with the husband selling his (fourth) car, giving up some of his games, making a list of what the wife required from him and taping it on the wall as reminder. Even the healthy looking married couples will have friction, and part of a good relationship is about figuring out what you agree on, can''t agree on, compromise, and expressing strong will to make it work.

If you would take an unsolicited advice, maybe writing to each other will be better? I know that it works for me...When my BF and I have issues, I can articulate things better on paper or even email, and it gives me the chance to revise what I say and choose the right words. My BF can read it for as long as he needs to, and it gives him a chance to digest what I say to him at his own pace. Also, it eliminates a lot of sayings that we regret or didn''t mean.

I also second the opinion of a relationship counselor. This isn''t to say that you are in such crap that you need it, but I believe even the healthiest looking couples can benefit from it. I''ve already told my BF that before we get married, but after we get engaged, I want to go see one to see what problems we might face.

I''m sorry my post is so long. I hope for the best.

 

[TravelingGal]

Bubbly, I am guessing there are quite a number of people who don''t agree with what you are doing (hence the number of responses here vs your other thread deciding to break it off). But the simple fact of the matter is you have to do with your life what you think is best...whether it is a mistake or a good idea.

I will put my two cents in to think about...what do you think will change between now and tomorrow (V-day)? Is it possible that the romantic holiday is causing you to make this decision? Does the thought of a "single" valentine''s day make you unhappy? If you stay together, perhaps it''s not a bad idea to celebrate together, but I think it may be idealistic for you to think you are going to have a special "last" vday together and then say hasta la vista. If anything, you will feel less inclined to leave him if it DOES go well.

If by tomorrow you think it''s best to move on, I would encourage you to start ANEW for you and NOT share vday together. Please excuse my crudeness, but if there is any chance you will be sleeping with him even though you want to move on...well, just not the best decision IMHO.

The last thing...you are "willing to give this relationship another shot if he is ." It seems your mind is made up. You have placed the power of the verdict in his hands. You sounded so empowered before, and now you sound like you''re letting him have the driver''s seat again. Yes, you don''t feel like you''ve backed down...denial is one of the 5 stages of grieving you know.So is bargaining, which I think is where you are at....

-----

1-Denial-"this can''t be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn''t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 2/13/2008 8:23:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Bubbly, I am guessing there are quite a number of people who don''t agree with what you are doing (hence the number of responses here vs your other thread deciding to break it off). But the simple fact of the matter is you have to do with your life what you think is best...whether it is a mistake or a good idea.


I will put my two cents in to think about...what do you think will change between now and tomorrow (V-day)? Is it possible that the romantic holiday is causing you to make this decision? Does the thought of a ''single'' valentine''s day make you unhappy? If you stay together, perhaps it''s not a bad idea to celebrate together, but I think it may be idealistic for you to think you are going to have a special ''last'' vday together and then say hasta la vista. If anything, you will feel less inclined to leave him if it DOES go well.


If by tomorrow you think it''s best to move on, I would encourage you to start ANEW for you and NOT share vday together. Please excuse my crudeness, but if there is any chance you will be sleeping with him even though you want to move on...well, just not the best decision IMHO.


The last thing...you are ''willing to give this relationship another shot if he is .'' It seems your mind is made up. You have placed the power of the verdict in his hands. You sounded so empowered before, and now you sound like you''re letting him have the driver''s seat again. Yes, you don''t feel like you''ve backed down...denial is one of the 5 stages of grieving you know.So is bargaining, which I think is where you are at....


-----


1-Denial-''this can''t be happening to me'', looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.



2-Anger-''why me?'', feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.



3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.



4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.



5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn''t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Hmm. How am I letting him have the driver''s seat?... He also has a say in this relationship. We both decided to take time and think about what we wanted. I already know my decision which is to try a little while longer. If he''s willing to try with me then great but if not, I am completely ready and able to walk out the door. I''ve prepared myself for that. I am not looking for him to change but rather, for US to compromise more with each other on certain things and focus on making it work. No one is ever going to be the perfect partner. Relationships are about compromising, after all.

As for sleeping together? Either way, that''s not happening. As for valentine''s day playing a role in it, absolutely not. We actually don''t even really celebrate the holiday. All we planned to do was spend time together. When we chose the date to make our decisions by, it was purely because it happened to be 2 weeks from when we had the talk; what we thought was a good enough amount of time to decide.

I disagree about not being with him tomorrow if we decide to end it. This is not a "I am fed up with you and want out now, type of deal." I am doing this as amicably as possible and I wholeheartedly believe that even if we decide tomorrow to go our separate ways that we should be able to still hang out and being friendly with each other. I do not at all want this man "out of my life" or anything of the sort. I would like to remain friends and I know he feels the same way.

 

[nclrgirl]

Bubbly, I''m new to this forum and didn''t see your last thread, but I would like to congratulate you for sticking up for what you want. The thing that you need to be honest with yourself about is whether you''d be happy with him if his sights aren''t set on marriage. It sounds like you have made a decision about that and I think it''s great that you''re going after what you want. Good luck tomorrow! Looking forward to the update!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 2/13/2008 9:07:23 PM
Author: nclrgirl
Bubbly, I''m new to this forum and didn''t see your last thread, but I would like to congratulate you for sticking up for what you want. The thing that you need to be honest with yourself about is whether you''d be happy with him if his sights aren''t set on marriage. It sounds like you have made a decision about that and I think it''s great that you''re going after what you want. Good luck tomorrow! Looking forward to the update!

Thanks for your input!

Marriage is definitely something he has always said he wants with me. Has his decision maybe changed since taking time to think? Maybe. And if it has, be sure that I will in no way be staying in the relationship. No marriage is a deal breaker for me. I don''t believe I could ever compromise on that. It''s just not at all what I want.

If you''d like to read my last thread you can click on my name and my last post should be in there.

Thanks!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

hey hun,

sorry I have not been on in a while...been busy with the boys...but I did post in your last thread and now I will post in this one.

I think sometimes people need to say things out loud in order for them to be real and I commend you for giving you the guts to do it. It is not always easy doing what your heart tells you to do instead of your head.

I hope you get the answer or the closure that you are looking for.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/13/2008 9:02:27 PM
Author: bubbly1126


Hmm. How am I letting him have the driver''s seat?... He also has a say in this relationship. We both decided to take time and think about what we wanted. I already know my decision which is to try a little while longer. If he''s willing to try with me then great but if not, I am completely ready and able to walk out the door. I''ve prepared myself for that. I am not looking for him to change but rather, for US to compromise more with each other on certain things and focus on making it work. No one is ever going to be the perfect partner. Relationships are about compromising, after all.

As for sleeping together? Either way, that''s not happening. As for valentine''s day playing a role in it, absolutely not. We actually don''t even really celebrate the holiday. All we planned to do was spend time together. When we chose the date to make our decisions by, it was purely because it happened to be 2 weeks from when we had the talk; what we thought was a good enough amount of time to decide.

I disagree about not being with him tomorrow if we decide to end it. This is not a ''I am fed up with you and want out now, type of deal.'' I am doing this as amicably as possible and I wholeheartedly believe that even if we decide tomorrow to go our separate ways that we should be able to still hang out and being friendly with each other. I do not at all want this man ''out of my life'' or anything of the sort. I would like to remain friends and I know he feels the same way.

From your previous thread:


"There are a couple of key factors that played a huge role in my decision. One, I couldn''t trust him the way I wanted. He hurt me in the past and it''s something I''ve been trying to get over for the past 2 years and well, I just can''t. Two, I feel like I''ve depended on him so much in the past 5 years that I don''t know how to be on my own. I don''t know where he ends and I begin, if that makes any sense. I want to start fresh and work on me. My life has not panned out the way I hoped at all... and I guess part of that is because I let love consume me. I know it is true. At this point I feel as though I''ll be nothing without him and that''s something that needs to change. I need to get myself together before I can expect anyone to love me. Plain and simple."

So my question is, what changed in a week?

He''s in the drivers seat because you have made up your mind and you are telling him that if he wants to keep at it, you will. HE''S the one who gets to decide what happens to your relationship. If he doesn''t want to, will you walk away? REALLY? You said last week that you were willing to walk away, and then it was on your own terms. Now you say you''ll walk on his terms. It doesn''t seem to me you are wanting to walk at all.

As for being friends after a relationship, tough to do. You can try to be friends until one of you moves on...then it gets tense.

You are right...no one is the perfect partner. People screw up, and relationships CAN get better with communication, so if you believe this is the case, I certainly do not want to discourage you. But you said yourself you can''t trust him. You also don''t know how to be on your own. It''s not a formula for a healthy relationship, and being with him will not help the latter issue of needing to work on yourself.

 

[bubbly1126]

I didn't tell him that I was willing to work on it if he is. I've simply decided that for myself. He knows nothing about it.

I feel it's completely ridiculous to think that I can't find myself and still be with him at the same time. I need to break out of my own shell that I have created for myself and start being more independent. He's done nothing but encourage me over the years to spend more time with my friends and go do things on my own. I'm just now realizing that the only person that ever held me back was myself. He's not at all the type of guy who demands my attention at all times so why have I done this? I now feel that I can absolutely still be with him and work on bettering myself. There is no reason I can't.

Forgive me for past things I may have said... but at those times, they were exactly how I felt. This is a tricky situation and of course I'm going to think one thing and then change my mind. It's not an easy decision. I'm not at all saying that if we decide to stay together that we're going to last forever. What I am saying is that I would like to work on it a little while longer before just throwing it all out the window.

And yes, trust is extremely important. And over the last 2 years there have been some times where I really doubted him. Not for anything he's done over the 2 years but for things he's done beforehand. He's done nothing but try to show me he's not that kind of person anymore and after thinking long and hard about it for the last 2 weeks, I believe him. Of course there will be times of doubt but that's b/c I've been hurt and now that I know that I can talk to him about it and he'll be open to discussing it and helping me through it, I feel a lot better. (I always felt as if I couldn't talk about it b/c he felt as though I was just trying to place blame. Mis-communications on both our parts.)

 

[TravelingGal]

Bubbly, if you feel you can do all of that, go for it. Only you know your situation. 5 years is a long time and a lot of emotional entanglement. If he is not someone who is good for you, you will find that out. And if he is good for you, then you''ll find that out too. All I am saying is whatever you do, be honest with yourself. I think all women have it them to know the truth. It''s gut intuition. Whether or not they act on it is another thing.

 

[nclrgirl]

I think that trust can grow. I had a hard time trusting my FI a year back, not because of anything that he did, but more what he didn''t do, stand up for me when his friends/family were critical of decisions that we made together, etc. It took a little while, but we worked through it!

And I agree with you! You can definitely grow as a person when you''re in a relationship. I think all married and not married couples do that throughout their lives. You can also grow on your own. Take today, before you and he have your conversation, to search your heart and decide for yourself what will make you happy.

I wish you the best of luck! I''ll be praying for you

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 2/13/2008 10:40:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
As for being friends after a relationship, tough to do. You can try to be friends until one of you moves on...then it gets tense.

I actually disagree with this--I am close friends with several of my exes, all of whom I dated for more than a year, and 2 of whom I dated for over 3 years. While there was definitely a period of healing and separation, I''m glad that I remained friends with people who were so important in my life in some way.

 

[Aloros]

The only person who can decide what''s right for you and your relationship is you.

I''ll admit I agree with TGal in a sense, having been there, done that.

However, having been there, done that, I understand that after an investment of so many years, it is hard to let go. For me, I had to know that I had done everything I could to make the relationship work before I could let it go without any sort of regret. Like you, I thought some of the problem lay with myself, and I needed to change. And I did. I put everything I had into it, and found that he couldn''t do the same. And you know what I found out? I LIKE myself just the way I am, but I didn''t like who I was with him. So after nearly six years together, I left, with more a feeling of freedom and relief than any sort of sadness. It took me longer than most people would to actually leave, but once I did, I felt good about it.

I''m not saying that this is what will happen with your relationship. Everyone has different experiences. But definitely build back up those relationships with your friends. If worse comes to worst, they will be there for you through thick and thin.

 

[Erin]

Date: 2/14/2008 11:48:15 AM
Author: Aloros
The only person who can decide what''s right for you and your relationship is you.

I''ll admit I agree with TGal in a sense, having been there, done that.

However, having been there, done that, I understand that after an investment of so many years, it is hard to let go. For me, I had to know that I had done everything I could to make the relationship work before I could let it go without any sort of regret. Like you, I thought some of the problem lay with myself, and I needed to change. And I did. I put everything I had into it, and found that he couldn''t do the same. And you know what I found out? I LIKE myself just the way I am, but I didn''t like who I was with him. So after nearly six years together, I left, with more a feeling of freedom and relief than any sort of sadness. It took me longer than most people would to actually leave, but once I did, I felt good about it.

I''m not saying that this is what will happen with your relationship. Everyone has different experiences. But definitely build back up those relationships with your friends. If worse comes to worst, they will be there for you through thick and thin.

Excellent point Aloros!
It took me 1.5 years to go through the process of breaking up with my ex. From first ideas of it to actually doing it. It''s hard to do.
I tried changing things about myself thinking that would solve some of our issues.
It turns out, the person I had become when I was with him was solely because, well, I was with him.
Since separating I found it was much easier to be who I really was without him and I was better and happier because of it.
I hope that made sense.

 

[bubbly1126]

Please know that I appreciate everyone''s advice on this, whether or not I agree with you. We all have had our own experiences in life that have brought us to where we are now and we''ve all had to learn our own lessons. I could be making a mistake by trying to work on it, but like Aloros, I, too, have to know that I have done everything possible to make it work and if in the end it doesn''t, well then I will have at least tried. If it''s meant to be, then it will. And vice versa. No matter what, I will come out a much stronger and wiser person.

Oh, and Happy Valentine''s Day to all! I hope you have a wonderful day with your loves!

 

[TravelingGal]

Bubbly, I hope you have a great Valentine''s too!

You are right...you have your life to live, and sometimes people are just plain wrong, even with the best intentions. I remember after I came back from Europe and I was still all swoony over TGuy and still talked about him. My cousin snapped at me and said, "TGuy is NOT a viable option!" I remember thinking that she was probably right...but still, he was in my heart and I couldn''t let it go...even if he was an ocean away and I would never see him again.

4 years later at our wedding, she wrote in a card, "I guess he was a viable option after all."

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Sorry for the threadjack but TGal, your avatar hasn''t always been preggers has it?!?!?!

In any case, I love it!!!

To bubbly, congratulations on being proactive and working on making your relationship work!!!
Sometimes getting through adversity and rough times with sincere communication and a mature attitude can make a couple so much stronger in the end!

I hope everything works out for the best!

 

[goodfun7580]

So Bubbly, how was your Valentine''s Day???

 

[LegacyGirl]

I hope you had a good V-day!

 

[Miscka]

how are you? did everything go ok?

 

[bubbly1126]

Hey all! Thanks for thinking about me!

I don''t have time to go into detail but he told me he knew he wasn''t giving his all in this relationship over the past year or so and that he wanted a little while longer to try and make things right. I told him I would give it another 6 months to a year TOPS to get better and if at the end of that time frame I felt it wasn''t going anywhere that I would have to move on. He said he understood and that he was going to try his hardest to work on things with me b/c he doesn''t want to lose me and wants very much to have a future with me.

I didn''t bring up engagement or anything of the sort. I think right now, that is on the back burner and rightfully so. We need to work on making our relationship better first.

So, there you have it, in a nutshell. I''m happy with this decision and well, only time will tell.

 

[bee*]

glad that you spoke to him about it and let him know that while you''re willing to work on things you''re not going to be around forever. I hope that things improve for you.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

good to hear!!!!!