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supergirl10

supergirl10

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 21, 2008
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315
Hi everyone this is my first post. Since this is the LIW thread i was hoping to get some advice and find out if anyone has been in this situation. I have been with SO for 4 years and expecting a proposal for about 6mths or so! Two weeks ago my 19 yo sis and her bf of 5mths annouced their engagement. I was terribly upset!!! Anyone been in this situation??? How did you cope??? Thanks
 
Are you upset because your sister is a teenager and getting married? Or because she got engaged first?

Being a teenager when you marry is the number one risk factor for divorce. Teen brides are also less likely to finish their education and hence be able to take care of themselves when and if things break down. Because the divorce rate for teens is 60% within 15 years, the chances that your sis will end up divorced and unable to support herself, if she isn't verrrrry careful and scrupulous, are pretty high. This is TWICE as likely to be the outcome as not, if you do the easy math. Teen brides are also more suscpetible to abuse.

So if I were you, I'd be freaking upset too. But not because I didn't get to go first. Geez, you couldn't pay me enough to switch places with your little sister. Nothing to be jealous of.

Please, please, do your best to make sure your sister and her fiance go to pre-marital counseling (good for everyone, extra good for teens who may have totally unrealistic ideas about what marriage is going to be like), and make SURE she finishes college! No joke.

Also, if there's any way you or your family can convince her to put off actually getting married for a at least a couple of years, that would be wise too.
 
Statistically more than 50% of the people on the forum will experience a divorce anyway, teenage or not.
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I think OP was peeved that her sister was engaged before her, and didn''t have to wait 4 years. Not much we can say about that except that it isn''t a competition. If you approve of her FI, then wish them both well and enjoy the process of helping her plan.
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That 50% statistic is misleading, because it includes the young folks! So, someone who marries at 25 or over with a college education has a MUCH lower than 50% chance of divorce. Most PSers fall into that category.

Pre-marital counseling seems to make a real difference for everyone, especially very young couples, so that, encouraging your sis to go to college and finish college, and encouraging her to wait a year or two will be doing her a huge service.

As for your concern about you, again, I would say try not to be jealous, since this is far from the ideal scenario, so not one you''d necessarily want to be in.

And then I''d say what we always say around here: time to sit down with your guy and talk about your hopes, wishes and expectations. Make sure you''re on the same page, and that you have some kind of timetable that you both agree on.

Then remember that life is not a race.
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Actually, the divorce rate is incredibly hard to measure (seriously, there is no real way for the Census to do it) so most people guesstimate that it''s actually closer to 40%.

"2. RAW NUMBERS. The Center has released total state and regional marriage and divorce numbers (not the same thing as rates) for the years 2000, 1999 and 1998.
The total numbers of U.S. divorces (excluding the non-counting states) reported finalized annually are 957,200 in 2000, 944,317 in 1999, and 947,384 in 1998.
The total numbers of U.S. marriages (including those states) reported celebrated annually are 2,355,005 in 2000, 2,366,623 in 1999, and 2,267,854 in 1998. "

Look for Raw Numbers and do the math which comes out to just over 40%

And it has been going down, people partially give that reasoning because Baby Boomers are living together instead of getting married for financial reasons. But I think it''s an overall trend that people are living together instead of, or before getting married.

Frankly, I''d tell your little sister to take this very slow. If I had gotten married to any one of the losers I dated at 19, my life would be pretty cr@p right now. (And only 5 months?! Wow!)
 
On the other hand, you never know it may work. Two of my close friends only knew their husbands 5 and 6 months before they purposed. We were worried it wouldn''t last. One couple has been happily married for 30 years, another for 37 years. I guess it just depends.
 
Date: 6/21/2008 1:07:49 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Are you upset because your sister is a teenager and getting married? Or because she got engaged first?


Being a teenager when you marry is the number one risk factor for divorce. Teen brides are also less likely to finish their education and hence be able to take care of themselves when and if things break down. Because the divorce rate for teens is 60% within 15 years, the chances that your sis will end up divorced and unable to support herself, if she isn''t verrrrry careful and scrupulous, are pretty high. This is TWICE as likely to be the outcome as not, if you do the easy math. Teen brides are also more suscpetible to abuse.


So if I were you, I''d be freaking upset too. But not because I didn''t get to go first. Geez, you couldn''t pay me enough to switch places with your little sister. Nothing to be jealous of.


Please, please, do your best to make sure your sister and her fiance go to pre-marital counseling (good for everyone, extra good for teens who may have totally unrealistic ideas about what marriage is going to be like), and make SURE she finishes college! No joke.


Also, if there''s any way you or your family can convince her to put off actually getting married for a at least a couple of years, that would be wise too.
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Divorce statistics aside, I''d be upset for exactly the same reasons that IGal listed. 19 years old, after only 5 months of dating is so rushed. I hope that her marriage is successful but there''s really no reason for her to rush. Even more than a happy marriage, I hope that she can talked into delaying her plans and slowing down to enjoy life with her intended to make sure he''s the one.
 
Out of curiosity, how are your parents reacting? I imagine most parents would be horrified, which makes me think it might lessen your feeling of jealousy?

And Linda, I agree that you can ''know'' pretty quickly, but I''d be less confident about that if a girl is a teenager.
 
IG, Both of these girls were 19. They just lucked out I guess LOL.

Linda
 
I would be upset too, but mostly for the reasons the other posters mentioned. Nineteen years old is very young to get married; a person grows and changes a lot in the five or so years that follow, so much that your sister and her fiance may find that they''ve grown apart a short time after they''re married. That all depends on your sister and her fiance--are they mature people? Are they making a rash decision? I know I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend I was dating at 19, but I am so, so happy that we broke up. I was madly in love with him, but that made me blind to some of the serious personal defects he had (as an example, he has had 3 DUI convictions since we broke up and has spent time in jail). How does your family feel? Do you think he''s going to be a good husband for her? As one of the other posters said, it may be advisable to try and convince her to have a long engagement to determine if marriage is what she really wants.

As far as her beating you to the punch, I really don''t think you should be upset. I know you''ve been waiting for a while, but you can''t let that get in the way of your own happiness or your happiness on her behalf. Both my very close cousin (she is basically my sister) and one of my best friends got engaged a few months before I did, and although I felt that stab of jealousy since I was waiting on a proposal, I put forth my best effort to overcome it. There is no reason to feel bad on account of someone else''s happiness. I coped with my negative feelings by talking to my mom, to my boyfriend, and to PSers about it (I realize your mom may not be a good person to talk to here). I''d advise you to get those feelings out there, even if it''s just on PS, then let them go. On the positive side, I have been having so much fun discussing planning with my cousin and friend, so that''s something you can look forward to.
 
I''m pretty sure she was upset because she got their first and only after a 5 month relationship.

To the OP: Yes I have gone through this. My best friend announced her engagement and after being thrilled, I cried for hours. It''s just something you have to go through when it happens especially when you are expecting/waiting for your own engagement. Allow yourself to feel sad/upset. Once you get over it, you can start feeling happy for your sister as opposed to resentment if you don''t give yourself time.

As far as she being 19 and getting married...my cousin met her husband at 15, got married at 19, and had her first child at 20. She''s now 36, they''ve been married for 17 years, have 3 beautiful children, and just bought their second home. Do teenage marriages have a higher rate of failure? Sure. But does that mean they all fail? Absolutely not.

I wish your sister the best in her engagement and I''ll send extra "dust" your way.
 
Date: 6/21/2008 6:37:29 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I'm pretty sure she was upset because she got their first and only after a 5 month relationship.

To the OP: Yes I have gone through this. My best friend announced her engagement and after being thrilled, I cried for hours. It's just something you have to go through when it happens especially when you are expecting/waiting for your own engagement. Allow yourself to feel sad/upset. Once you get over it, you can start feeling happy for your sister as opposed to resentment if you don't give yourself time.

As far as she being 19 and getting married...my cousin met her husband at 15, got married at 19, and had her first child at 20. She's now 36, they've been married for 17 years, have 3 beautiful children, and just bought their second home. Do teenage marriages have a higher rate of failure? Sure. But does that mean they all fail? Absolutely not.

I wish your sister the best in her engagement and I'll send extra 'dust' your way.
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My mother was 19 when she got married, 21 months after meeting my dad (who was 24). She dropped out of college, too. It's definitely not the smart thing to do, and she admits it now.
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But she was lucky, I guess, because my parents will be celebrating 34 happy years together the day after my wedding (and my mother did finish her education later)!

To the OP: I agree with Indy that you should make sure your sister finishes her education no matter what. I understand you could be upset because you were expecting to be the first and you're looking forward to an engagement in the near future, but remember that in the end, it doesn't really matter. You and your BF can have a beautiful wedding and marriage no matter who got married before you!
 
I was once in a very long relationship-- not quite 4 years, but almost-- and watched all my friends get engaged before me. Even my little cousin (who wasn''t so little anymore) beat me to it. I knew it was irrational, but that didn''t stop me from feeling like crap every time I saw wedding announcements in the paper.

How did I deal with it? I tried really hard to be happy for the happy couples. Now, in your sister''s case I''d have some serious concerns about her well-being, because this day in age MOST (not all, but most) 19 year olds are throwing away a great deal of their life potential by getting married so young. So I''m not saying you have to try to be thrilled about the situation, because it is a tough one.

Just take comfort in the fact that you and your BF have waited for a lot of reasons, most of them probably very mature. When you make a commitment to one another you will have had ample time to be sure it''s what you both want, and you''ll probably have a long and happy future together. In the end, isn''t that all that matters?

Stay strong, honey! One day all this will seem be a distant memory, clouded by all the happy ones with your hubby :)
 
Date: 6/21/2008 6:37:29 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m pretty sure she was upset because she got their first and only after a 5 month relationship.

To the OP: Yes I have gone through this. My best friend announced her engagement and after being thrilled, I cried for hours. It''s just something you have to go through when it happens especially when you are expecting/waiting for your own engagement. Allow yourself to feel sad/upset. Once you get over it, you can start feeling happy for your sister as opposed to resentment if you don''t give yourself time.

As far as she being 19 and getting married...my cousin met her husband at 15, got married at 19, and had her first child at 20. She''s now 36, they''ve been married for 17 years, have 3 beautiful children, and just bought their second home. Do teenage marriages have a higher rate of failure? Sure. But does that mean they all fail? Absolutely not.

I wish your sister the best in her engagement and I''ll send extra ''dust'' your way.
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I don''t think Indy meant to imply that ALL teenage marriages are doomed, just that the odds are stacked against them. There are always exceptions to every rule, of course - but the larger percentage of teenagers who DON"T make it are more reflective of the general trend of teenage unions.
 
While I worry about girls marrying young I have to agree...... its a crap shoot. Maybe some people really do find "the one" at age 18.
 
ahhh, the old friend or someone close to you getting engaged before you... we''ve all been there! I''m sorry you''re going through this. It''s really hard to see others you''re close to sharing what you want so badly... I can totally relate. I am just trying to stay as busy as I can... when I hear someone is getting engaged I offer a congratulations and treat myself to something nice. haha.

Good luck! :)
 
Supergirl10

My heart goes out to you! I cannot offer anything but sympathy and commiserations.

Its just crap when you have your heart set on something and you get dissapointed (but I am bitter - see my recent post)!

I went to my partner''s sisters wedding about 6 moths ago, and if I had a diamond everytime a well meaning family member asked us when we were getting married - i would have run out fingers by now. Not to mention I caught the boquet and he caught the garter!!

And I have his friends wedding to go to in 4 months.

All I can say is hold it in, don''t get bitter (its not your partner''s fault) and soldier on and hopefully around the corner it will be your special time too!
 
Date: 6/21/2008 11:37:02 AM
Author:supergirl10
Hi everyone this is my first post. Since this is the LIW thread i was hoping to get some advice and find out if anyone has been in this situation. I have been with SO for 4 years and expecting a proposal for about 6mths or so! Two weeks ago my 19 yo sis and her bf of 5mths annouced their engagement. I was terribly upset!!! Anyone been in this situation??? How did you cope??? Thanks
Click to expand...
Supergirl10 I know your pain! It wasn't a younger sister it was my older sister, but I still felt the ping of jelousy all the same. I shed a quite a few tears when I found out the news, all while trying to be excited for my sis. I have been with my FF for aobut 6 1/2 years, and my sister was just shy a year of being with her beau when they announced their engagement. How could this be I thought, me and my SO had been together for so much longer, and to top it off I knew it was a horrible mistake - they were not meant for eachother. But instead of wallowing in my own self pity I decided to throw them a surprise engagment party - just our close family - and swallow my pride! The engagement didn't last long, cause he was really not a good mate but I am glad I supported my sister and put my own feelings aside. It is hard though - I know. It feels so unfair. All of my SO's friends and family seem to be getting engaged/married and no one has been together as long as we have, so it is a stinger everytime I hear the news, but financially we are not in the same place as everyone else (we both just finished school and the SO is looking for employment - plus we have a lot of student loan debt). Our time will come fellow LIW'ing and when it does it will be the perfect time for us!

I also wanted to add that I met my FF days before my 18th birthday and I know with all my heart we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, however had I married him just a year after we starting dating I don't think we would have the relationship we have today. What I truly beleive is that if I were to walk down the aisle at 19 I would have cold feet, wondering if I were making the right decision. When I walk down the aisle now I will be so excited to see the man of my dreams at the alter, no cold feet, no second guesses, no wondering if there is someone else better out there for me. People change over time, especially when you are young, and your sister needs to see if they grow together or apart. If they are meant to be forever, why must it be rushed - they should remember that lust can make you blind to so much. I feel that it is so important to go through life changing events with your partner before you comit to a lifetime together.
 
I swallowed, and tried my hardest to grow up and get over it. 19 is VERY young to get married, and just because your younger sister is engaged doesn''t mean that it''s the right time in your relationship. With that said yes, I''ve been there...and the best advice I ever got was that you must look only to yourself and your S.O. to figure out what''s right in YOUR relationship. Everyone else doesn''t matter one bit.
 
thank you all so much for your kind words, you have just made my day!
Honestly it is so nice to hear that other people have been through the same situation!

To answer your questions mostly i am concerned about how young she is and i don''t really think she realises how serious a commitment engagement really is. This time lastyear she had just come out of a 2&1/2 year relationship with a women!I am concerned that she is being scatty and may just be doing it because he asked her or to make my parents angry!

Lil sis and fiance plan wedding for late ''10. So that is a big relief for myself and family. She graduates from college in dec ''09 at the same time as me. She does not want to get married until after june ''10 (her 21st bday).

My parents were very very shocked!But she is very stubborn and would cut them out of her life in an instant if they dared forbid her or anything like that!My parents have been married for 25 years and both gave her a big lecture about marriage is suppose to be for life, it is a big commitment, not something you do fleetingly. Is she sure she wants to be with a man for the rest of her life, what is she changes her mind etc. She assured them that she is certain but ....
 
Engaged @ 19 after five months of dating ... shortly after a 2 1/2 yr. relationship with a *woman* ... pardon my cynicism but I give that wedding a <5% of *happening* much less *succeeding*.
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The most disappointing coincidence (which i only found out after i told him about lil sis) that SO had meticulously planned a night to propose exactly 10 days after sister had told me and the night i finished my college exams for this half of year.

It kinda sounds bratty and like a child but i didn''t want to postpone my engagement (which initially i thought was the right thing to do etiquette wise considering we come from a small town and i just didn''t think it would be the polite thing to do to steal her "thunder").

I have my sister and parents blessing for SO and I to continue as planned with engagement, which is exactly what we are doing!

As for the above comments about a 5% change ... Yes sister i am feeling you there, perhaps the reason why i am upset! I didn''t want my lil sis faux engagement to ruin my family''s excitement over mine. Bitchy i know!
 
Date: 6/30/2008 11:22:26 PM
Author: supergirl10
I didn''t want my lil sis faux engagement to ruin my family''s excitement over mine. Bitchy i know!
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Oh I''ll raise you some b*tchy ... people are gonna be DELIGHTED for you where I''d guess most sensible folk are going to feel a bit SORRY for your sister. About how confused & impulsive she is ... not to mention VERY VERY YOUNG to be engaged (especially considering the other circumstances.
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Faux or real, I fail to see why both of you cannot enjoy your engagements and stop thinking there''s only room for excitement over one
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