vent - exgirlfriends and the evil of facebook

[SailorsSweet<3]

So... I have a facebook account (http://www.new.facebook.com/ for anyone whos interested) just to keep in touch with people from grammar school, high school, and my first college. My bf does not have an account, but he occasionally goes on my account to see his brother/friends "pages" where they have photo albums posted and their friends can leave messages for them. Anyway - I go on regularly - for those of you who dont have facebook its as addicting as pricescope (maybe a little less because people dont get engaged as often on facebook

)
I went on Monday night and I had a friend request - facebook allows you to list the people you know and are friends with as well as how you know them or from where. Its all about networking so there are multiple ways to socialize and find friends of friends and it even suggests people you may know now. The friend request was from my bf''s ex. Ive never spoken to her, but I''ve heard about her through him (although not much because we dont like talking about our former relationships) as well as from his friends, some of whom are still good friends with her. They all went to high school together so inevitably when my bf and his ex broke up they still saw eachother occasionally and they still have some of the same friends. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt so I talked to my bf about this and decided to allow her to be my friend. (This allows her to see my profile, friends, as well as my photos and I can now do the same) She sent me a message on Tuesday morning stating that I probably didnt know who she was - playing naive I''m pretty sure - and that she was an old friend of my bf''s. She mentioned that she saw a comment I''d left on one of my bf''s friends walls and thats why she requested my friendship. She said she''d been thinking about him recently and wanted to know how he was doing and figured no one would know better than I. She then closed by thanking me again for accepting her friend request and asking me to please write back.

I told my bf about all of this. To give you girls a little background - he stopped speaking to her/asking about her/wanting to hear about her a couple months before we met. They supposedly had a very tumultuous relationship and he''d helped her through a couple difficult periods in her life (as difficult as things can get when youre in high school and then college) but she also had a tendency to exaggerate the truth in ways that some people would view as inappropriate or disrespectful to others that may have actually found themselves in the situations she claimed she was in. Take that as you may. I know he hasnt spoken to her since but like I said they have mutual friends.
The first thing that popped into my mind was "why is she really asking me about him?" and secondly - "cant she ask one of our friends?". My bf and I decided that I shouldn''t play naive or stoop to her level or act snobby in hopes of giving her no reason to antagonize me. He left it up to me as far as what to say. I just wrote back a short couple sentences about him - exactly what she asked for - and gave her his phone number in case she actually wanted to try and make amends with him. (I know - many of you would NEVER do such a thing with your SO''s ex but I trust my bf more than I trust myself and I know that he''d put her in her place if she were to call and start saying/acting inappropriately) She wrote back last night thanking me for responding and saying that all she ever wanted was for him to be happy (this negated her "old friend" act although I''m 100% positive that shes very well aware that I know who she is) She also said she''d heard I make him very happy and that we''re an adorable couple. As if this werent unsettling enough for me, I looked through her photos (its addicting, I swear) and she has photos up from before my SO and I met... and of course in some of those shes with him, theres even one of them kissing on a bed.

I know its hard for you girls to give me feed back since you dont know the entire situation, you dont know my SO and I, and you''re not aware of the dynamics of our relationship or his friendships with his high school friends. I dont know, I guess I just needed to put this out there and see if anyone can relate. Its hard confronting his past - prior to knowing me. I think its natural to believe that prior relationships were void of happiness - hence the reason I feel my SO and I were meant for each other, because everything else up to this point didnt work. But thats unrealistic? Even the worst relationships have happy times and those are photographed before the fights, obviously. But I cant stop this sinking feeling in my chest.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

HELLO!!

I just wanted to comment on the fact that I am a college student therefore on facebook just about s much time as I am on here. I also know how annoying it can be, and this might not be the word, but destructive... As in, I tend not to trust as many people because when there is proof... (aka you ask someone to hang out and they say, I''m writing a paper tonight, and you then see pictures of them at a party or something).

But I can''t really relate to the whole ex-girlfriend of the boyfriend, because me and my boyfriend are each other''s first "real" relationship, ha no those silly middle school relationships. ALl I have to sat is that good for you! It''s great that you trust your BF so much.

This is something I always think about when girls my boyfriend used to hang out with try to get in touch with him... THEY''RE JUST JEALOUS!! Ha it might not be true, but it might be! I just think man, she must really like him, and he is ALLLL mine. Also she might just be dwelling on the past.. I mean come on, as soon as the relationship status goes to single, it''s basically not right to have pictures of them being that intimate.. kissing on a bed?!?! Have some class lady.

 

[Lauren8211]

Facebook and MySpace have caused SO many relationship problems. Ex SOs stalking one another, and new SOs trying to stalk their current SO''s exes. It''s a big crazy mess.

Here''s what I think: There''s no reason why this girl should want to be friends with you. She doesnt have to hate you, but going out of her way to befriend you and ask you specifically about her ex is weird. She may not have some master plan to upset you, but there''s probably a million other people she could ask before you.

Still having pictures up of he and her kissing is weird also. Those are the photos that are usually the first to come down. If she really had intentions of being "just friends" with your SO, she wouldn''t leave pictures up to specifically disrespect you. I''m not saying she wants him back, but a true friend would never hurt their friend''s SO by rubbing an old relationship in her face.

I think you should stop trying to be so nice. I know you trust your SO, I''m the same way. He talks to his exes every once in a while also. You owe this girl nothing other than civility, and I highly doubt any good will come of this. I don''t think you should friend her anymore on Facebook, it only leads to you constantly checking up on her.

I mean would you go through an ex boyfriend current girlfriend to get ahold of an ex? Neither would I.

 

[Pandora II]

I think you have handled this well so far - now remove her as a friend. First it will stop you looking her up to see what she''s doing etc (you will look, trust me, even if you don''t want to) and it will stop you feeling she''s spying on you.

DH and I are both on FB and a few of DH''s old flames are friends of his on it. Since I''m the only person he ever dated longer than 8 weeks and as we''re married with a sprog on the way it doesn''t bother me in the slightest (I was quite intrigued to see what they looked like

).

I think this young lady is up to no good and the way you have handled it will have made it pretty clear that your SO is hardly trapped in a miserable relationship that she can save him from.

I''d be suprised if she hasn''t recently broken up with someone.

Don''t stress about it - these feelings only hurt you.

 

[BrilliantNikki]

OK... wait.

This is ridiculous.

She is way out of line messaging you, asking about your BF, asking you to be her FRIEND, leading you to believe that she is merely an acquaintance of his... all the while having a picture of them kissing in one of her albums?!!? What?!!?

I cannot wrap my head around this at all. Why would she keep that posted anyway?

I don''t know your history here, but how long have you guys been dating? Long enough for her to have moved on? Yes.

I give you some major kudos for responding at all (I would have ignored her) least of all giving her his phone number. I think she is trying to get under your skin... or she has some serious issues with still wanting something from him. I think its great that you talked to your BF about this, unfortunately, I am sort of bummed that he even knows she approached you and is thinking about him... etc.

Erg! Her nerve. I am sorry you are dealing with this...

 

[LiveLaughLove4]

I can totally relate . I met me SO in our senior year of college, his ex-gf also went to the same college and lived in the next dorm over from me. It was very odd having to see her often(we used to run into each other a lot). After college my SO left for Officer Candidate School for the Marines, while he was away his ex-gf would facebook message me asking me how he was doing there. I totally trust my SO, it was just uncomfortable having her ask me about him. I don''t really have much advice to give except for just being confident in your relationship (which it sounds like you are) and trying to basically remember that the past is the past for a reason.

I just wanted to let u know that I can relate to your situation and i know it isnt fun.

 

[Circe]

Good manners and female solidarity only go so far, and I''d say you''ve gone above and beyond.

There is definitely something odd about contacting an ex''s current SO to check up on them. If they were on good terms, she''d ask directly: since they''re not, it''s ... really none of her business. I believe FaceBook doesn''t notify the people you defriend: do it with a light and merry heart, and put her out of your head.

 

[Mediterranean]

Circe is correct, they don''t notify the other person if you chose to de-friend them.

She probably only wanted to add you as a friend so that she could have access to your pictures (I''m guessing you have them set to be viewed by friends only, or that you have a list of facebook friends who are allowed to see them)

If it were me, I''d de-friend her and ignore/delete her subsequent requests. I have a feeling she''s bored. When she finds a boyfriend, she''ll leave you alone.

 

[Hera]

Hmmmm.....the skeptic in me thinks that she has those pictures on there on purpose knowing you''d look. I remember you saying you and your sweetie have been together like two years so that''s long enough to remove a picture of them kissing on a bed

! I''d do like the others said, remove her from being a friend. She''s simply not a friend! So, boundary time! She needs to stay out of your relationship!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Sounds like she is a shit disturber... excuse my language. Delete her off facebook. It's rediculous to have her on there. You will just be tempted to keep looking at her pics and profile and it will be nothing but trouble. She isn't your friend and you don't owe her anything.. She very intentionally put those photos of her and ur bf up to upset you.

 

[kittybean]

Ditto to the excellent advice given above--de-friend her, and go on being happy and secure in your relationship. She has no business asking her ex-boyfriend''s new girlfriend how he''s doing. At worst, she''s deliberately trying to undermine your relationship; at best, she has some inappropriate curiosity that has been poorly expressed. Don''t give her the time of day, and let her be a not-so-fond memory.

 

[aVogueIdea]

I agree with these ladies, delete her as your friend. Although I dont know her, from what you have described, I am getting the feeling that she doesn''t have good intentions with the friend request. SO and I have also had issues with Facebook and his ex''s. I just wanted you to know that I sympathize with your situation and I''m sorry. I believe that you have been very kind towards her so my hats off to you, I however would not have been so graceful.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Thank you so much, everyone, for responding. It really helps a lot to just put it out there and get feed back from everyone - some people who can relate and some who cant. Every post has made sense and I agree - I think I''m going to unfriend her. For my own good. I forgot to mention that the pictures that she has up weren''t put up by her but by one of SO''s high school friends who I''ve met multiple times, is dating another one of their high school friends, and who seems to enjoy taking pictures and posting them on facebook. I may just be too naive in thinking that SO''s ex simply hadn''t thought to ask her friend to remove the pictures after she and SO ended their relationship... or maybe she hadn''t thought of the pictures loaded 2 years ago, when she messaged me? I think I''m giving her too much of the benefit it just bothers me so much that people are so devious, have no shame and show such a veil of good intention as their motives.

 

[idreamofcushions]

Ugh, ex''s are so much better left in the past, right? When I broke up with my ex, we couldn''t get away from each other fast enough! I definitely think you''re being mature about this whole situation, but on the other hand, you don''t want to open the door for this girl to re-enter your lives. I especially think the pictures of her and your SO are extremely inappropriate. If she really was trying to befriend you, wouldn''t she know how offensive that is? It sounds like she''s playing games here, and I think you''re best bet is to stay on the sidelines...otherwise it could just get too messy.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Ugh! Defriend her ASAP. She wants to size you up and intimidate you by reminding you of her & your SO's past. I know this 'type' all too well.

This reminds me of what SO's ex pulled recently. She was going to be in town (she lives 8 hrs away now) and apparently wanted to see the new house we are building. WHY?! Clearly it was to a) size me up, b) size up the house and c) try to make SO miss her. I should clarify, her and SO aren't friends. They hardly ever speak and when they do it's about a bill she recently paid off. Did I mention she is like 7 months pregnant? If I were pregnant, seeing any of my exes would be the last thing on my mind. Basically, she is a total sht disturber- straight from the words of SO's own friends and family, none of whom ever liked her. She ended up not coming to town after all but if she had, there's no chance that I was going to allow her to see our home.


So yeah. Sorry for the tangent. I have no problem with being on good terms when the ex is normal and not... shady. But in these instances, I'm a big fan of cutting them out altogether.

 

[Clairitek]

I agree that she had no right to message you. Its really strange that she would do that so long after they split up. It was nice of you to not be too snarky or mean to her about it. Its even more weird that she tried to pretend she wasn''t his ex-girlfriend at first and just an old friend and then dropped the facade after you responded.

I can relate to this a little sorta... I got facebooked by the long term ex-girlfriend of a guy I was dating last summer. They had a HORRENDOUS break-up. He and I dated for about 3 months before I realized he made me feel horrible about myself and then I dumped him. Shortly after that a friend request from her appeared in my email. I accepted it hoping she would say something to me so I could apologize for unwittingly getting in the middle of their weird break-up (long story, he was truly horrible). She never said anything to me and then de-friended me eventually. Weird...

I''ve also made the mistake of looking through my FF''s ex-girlfriends photos. I saw pics of them kissing on the beach.

He offered to untag himself from them but I declined. The fact that he offered was enough to make me feel better.

I agree with everyone else who said to defriend her. No harm done in that and that way you won''t be tempted to go looking through her photos again either.

 

[Anna0499]

Coming from an objective standpoint - I would say de-friend her if it bothers you that much; leave it be if it doesn''t. If she has nothing else going on in her life then that''s sad. However, if those pictures that made you uncomfortable weren''t hers then I wouldn''t expect her to go out of her way to tell her friend to take them down just because she''s no longer with your SO. I have hundreds of friends on FB & I''m sure some of them have pictures of me & my ex-BFs, but I couldn''t tell you who & I certainly wouldn''t go through all of their pictures & request them to do the same. It sounds like you are secure in your relationship & I can definitely relate to the desire to think that no happy relationship times existed before you came along, but your SO seems to have moved on so I wouldn''t be too concerned about it.

 

[sparkly_stars]

As a 23 year old, I can relate.
Honestly- facebook is very dangerous when it comes to relationships.
The worst is how addicting it all is, because honestly- you know that you should technically say no to the friendship request- because nothing good can come of it, right?
If you think of the overall situation (and what it could possibly bring you and your SO) can you think of anything good?
And yet, we can''t help but want to know WHY she wants to add us (I think its our sub conscious fear that something else is happening that we don''t know).
I agree with the rest, take her off your friend list, or maybe restrict her access to your site.
I''ve been there, and done that- I honestly have tried to navigate away from facebook- it was taking over my sanity.

On a side note, I''m the kind of person who would ask what she expects or wants- and not be overly nice about it. ha ha

Let us know what you do!

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

Ok, first of all, facebook is a double-edged sword. It is a horrible influence on us-- I seriously think a big part of the "wedding craze" among those in their early 20''s is because we see everyone else getting engaged/married and we think we are behind the curve of our peer group... in a way we wouldn''t have imagined 15 years ago. Yet at the same time facebook can provide valuable info you wouldn''t otherwise have discovered-- I learned a boyfriend was hiding a friendship (maybe more) with another girl because I saw someone else''s pictures. You have to take the bad with the good.

You could block her completely, but if I were you I''d just limit her from your pictures and/or wall. That way, you can see everything of hers if you want, but she can''t see personal things of yours.

Also, talk to your boyfriend some more. This is weird and I think the girl may be unstable. I mean, if she''s still manipulating after YEARS apart, he doesn''t need to continue friendship or even pleasantries with her. I wouldn''t issue ultimatums, but tell him that something about hte situation gives you the creeps, even though you trust him completely. He should respect that and find a solution with you that doesn''t involve continuing to be a part of her life.

 

[dragonfly411]

Well I can say that I can 100 % definitely relate in SOoooooooooooooooooooooooo many ways, but mine is WORSE. A little background. SO dated his ex for a couple of hears in highschool. Lets call her W for witch. lol. W and SO broke up at least a year before I met, but SO''s mother had rather adopted W from an abusive household (they hit her, made her do all the household chores etc why officials never got involved I''ll never know), so W continued to stay in the house for a while but continuously bothered him, chasing any new gfs away, and getting more and more disrespectful towards SO''s mom. So finally SO''s mom made her leave, this being a few months before SO and I met (though he was 100% over W). SO and I met and it was instant love. W unfortunately still tried to contact him (he hadn''t changed his cell number) but SO made me aware of every time she tried to call, and told me their history and explained he was over it, just wasn''t willing to change his number over a crazy person unless he really had to. Fast forward to 5 mo in the relationship. SO and I were staying together a lot at SO''s mom''s (SO was 18 at the time and JUST graduating highschool, and I was 19 almost 20 and hadn''t moved out yet either due to lack of enough funds). W shows up to his highschool graduation, and makes SURE she is the first to meet him after he is done with everything, and makes SURE to show up at the house after to "get the rest of her stuff". UGH. TWO months later she moves back up to where we are, is calling all the time, and showing up at SO''s mom''s house all the time to "babysit" his little sister. This went on for a few months before she betrayed SO''s mother''s trust completely and was made to never come back (restraining order). That''s the SHORT version. So I do know your pain. SO had to change his number twice before we were left in peace. This girl and I went round and round and round, her trying to lie and say he was getting hotel rooms with her (yet we were sleeping in the same bed every night) and calling me names (like in middle school), and me telling her to go away. I never stooped to the name calling, or the accusations, just wanted her to stop and leave us alone.
ANYWAYS here''s my point, girls are catty, she''s not coming and talking to you because she wants to be friendly, she''s trying to keep track of him. If there are still pics up on there from their relationship, then she isn''t over it. She''s just trying to keep tabs on what you and him do, and what your relationship is like. That isn''t ok and I agree, facebook can lead to lots of stalking and unhealthy contacts. I''d remove her now. I wouldn''t read any messages she sends me, or anything else.

 

[meresal]

IMHO... She knew exactly how he was doing, hence the second email, and she just wanted a way to see all of YOUR pictures. I would un-friend her immediately. This could only lead to bad things. Unless you knew her before the relationship, I really don''t think there is any reason you should be friends on facebook, especially if you think she is playing games already.

 

[vita*dolce]

hey sailor! i definitely agree with everyone before me who said you should UNFRIEND her!! immediately! it''s tacky of her to even contact you in the first place, but it''s especially tacky of her to act like she wants to be friends. there''s no reason for you to be in touch with her at all, to borrow for sex and the city, "it''s uncomfortable, unnecessary, and rife with ulterior motive!"

I really hope you can forget about this soon, i''m sure it''s on your mind a lot!!

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

hello everyone! thanks again for all your responses, it seems like everyone goes through something similar at some point with their SOs. It has been on my mind A LOT. My SO went out to sea for a short underway and is coming back tonight so I''ve only been able to email him about it. I think hes somewhat backing off, he doesnt want to see me get caught up in this drama and he doesnt fully trust her either. I guess no matter how much we want to believe that shes matured and is extending an olive branch.. no one grows out of the person they''ve already become by the time they''re in college, regardless of how many years they have to grow. I already blocked most of my profile from her but I think I''m just going to unfriend her since that seems like the unanimous decision. Thanks again for posting! Feel free to keep sharing, I can use all the reassurance I can get.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

How funny... I just checked my facebook account before I logged onto pricescope- typical!

Anyways... if it''s eating you up and you have no intention of truly being friends with her, then stop the correspondance with her. So they had a high school fling- it''s not like she''s his ex-wife or ex-fiance or his "baby momma". They were high school sweethearts. Sometimes I still think about my high school sweetheart & what he''s up to these days (even though I''m 100% devoted to my boyfriend). Our relationship didn''t last, but we were young, I went away to college and wanted to experience more. That doesn''t mean we didn''t have a blast together! I think it''s natural to be curious about your past love.

I think it''s a bit inappropriate for her to have pictures of her exboyfriend on facebook- but that probably means that she''s being immature about it.

She doesn''t sound like she''s being vicious, obsessive, or possesive of him. I would be careful if she starts calling him... but bottom line, if it makes you feel better, block her. Don''t stress yourself out looking at her old photos. For all you know, she really might have your best interest at heart and might just be curious. It''s your call!

 

[TryingAgain]

UNFRIEND HER NOW!!!!

Please do not travel down the path I have traveled down. SO''s pseudo ex, we''ll call her L for Lunatic cause so much trouble in our lives for months all because of MySpace. To make a really long story short she found me on there, checked me out for who knows how long, etc. She tried befriending me and when I didn''t respond how I guess she was hoping, she went looney. She sent me nasty messages, she messaged my friends, I had to make my page private. If SO and I hadn''t had such a great relationship it would have broken us up! It really got out of hand to the point of her calling SO and I non-stop from blocked numbers and eventually she called me at work. Not cool. Worse part of it all is that she wasn''t even really a real ex-girlfriend. They met two weeks before SO moved and they talked on the phone every day for a year and saw each other twice. Here''s the kicker... When she did this she was on the verge of celebrating her third anniversary with her boyfriend. SERIOUSLY! She''s tried to be nice since, but I really can''t stomach her. It even made me sick when she mentioned SO''s favorite food... Like I expect to be the only one who knows! lol

So yeah, unfriend. No good can come of befriending her. She doesn''t want your friendship. She wants to spy and see what''s going on without asking him. Nothing positive can happen.

I swear as addicted as I am to MySpace and Facebook, sometimes I wish they didn''t exist. These social networking sites are something more trouble than they''re worth. SO wishes I would delete mine, but I am addicted.