Vent..my turn!

[~*Alexis*~]

My turn to vent...ugh....


Ok so my BF and I were on the subject of weddings this last week. His niece got engaged this past weekend and got an AMAZING ring...so I casually asked him what he expected to have as a budget for my ring....he said '' I dunno, something around 3k-5k''...I thought ok not so bad then I said well you should get it from a jeweler who has an upgrade policy. (this was a light convo) then out of no where he said, ''No, no one i marry is allowed to get an upgrade. I wouldnt want them to have a say in the ring either. What I get you is what I get you and you should be happy with that"

That was the end of the discussion. He knows my obsession with diamonds (don''t we all

)

We have been together almost 8 months and he is the most amazing person. Sweet, kind, gentle affectionate..perfect for me. I no reservations about marrying him someday...not like next year or 2 years from now even...its just this convo...really irked me.
I tried talking to him and seeing what I could do about his budget, he makes well over 6 figures a year...he invests his money and he has 3 NICE cars and a plasma tv....so you would think that a budget for a ring I would be wearing the rest of my life would be a little higher....I sent him some info on a few styles I liked and a few rings I found (second hand) a little over the budget and he has no.

So talking to him is out of the question....I could care less about the wedding. I dont want a big one and neither does he. So that budget is about the size of my ring budget....

where do I go from here? Im a horrible person.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, if you're not thinking about getting engaged for another year or two, I'd just chill and not worry about it at the moment. He may change his mind. His circumstances might change. And if he doesn't? Well, you're an able adult. Save up and buy your own diamond! He can give you whatever you want he wants for your ering, and you can buy yourself whatever you want for your rhr. That seems fair, no?

The only thing I might worry about is whether this is part of his character in the sense of him being selfish. If a man has more cars than he (or members of his household) can possibly drive, but doesn't want to spend a week's salary on something that his woman adores more than anything else, then I have to wonder how giving he is.

But wait, isn't this the same guy who is always giving extra alimony money to his ex-wife? So maybe it has to do just with diamonds, and not with money or selfishness? Because it sounds like he's not selfish per se... So maybe he just thinks diamonds are a waste of money. Still, if it's what YOU love, then...

Hmm.

 

[TravelingGal]

Alexis I do understand you wanting a ring of a certain size and style. I think most PSers would understand that. I didn''t care about jewelry myself, but if TGuy was going to insist upon getting a ring, I wanted a diamond of one carat. Fortunately, we had the discussion and he allowed me to chip in for my ring (which I felt was the fair solution if I wanted a certain ring).

You''ve only known him for 8 months, and you still have a lot of getting to know him to do. If you''re not in a hurry to marry him for the next couple of years, I would say focus on the relationship and not the ring at this point. That is, let it go. At this point, I think the battle is not worth fighting.

As for what your man said...I believe communication is key in a relationship (pretty no brainer, actually), and lots of things should be up for at least some kind of discussion. If he is TELLING you what you should be happy with, there *may* be a problem with his mindset. I''m not saying this is a red flag, but based on the history you''ve told us here about your relationship/dating life, I''d just simply advise you to have your eyes wide open.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

It really is his budget to set. As TG says "I think the battle is not worth fighting".

 

[mimzy]

"What I get you is what I get you and you should be happy with that"

i think those words came out of my FFs mouth once or twice too. but like you, we were early in the relationship and weren't seriously looking at rings or anything, AND it was coupled with the fact that i had expressed my dislike for pretty much everything he pointed out and said he liked (so it might have been out of frustration). His original budget was also something like 3 or 4k. Both of those things changed when we started really looking at rings and (maybe?) he saw my reaction to the rings that i really did care for vs. the ones he liked AND he saw what rings really cost. After that, he agreed to adhere to my style guidelines (which were pretty strict) and voluntarily bumped up the budget to 5k (even though i never suggested it, but certainly didn't protest!). my FF doesn't make close to six figures, but I am pretty sure that even if he did, he wouldn't be too keen on the idea of spending more than he already did. After spending so much time on PS, i sort of fell victim to the "only 5k" mindset....but after thinking about the people i know it quickly changed to a "damn! 5k!" mindset.

I bet that once you guys really start the process he'll change his tune. I think it is just a mentality that some guys have that this is one thing a guy should be in charge of, and that a girl who can't appreciate and respect that is ultimately ungrateful. hopefully he'll open up to your ideas soon!

but yeah, i agree with the others that i wouldn't pick this fight just yet.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree with the other posters, that''s a very common response. I remember suggesting to DH that we go ring shopping TWO YEARS before he proposed and he was against it because he felt it should all be up to him. At that time I''d venture to say his budget was much lower as well--not just because he was making less, but because he had no clue what rings cost--but that was irrelevant because I just wanted an eternity band.

I remember saying to him "I just want to make sure I''m going to love it" and he laughed and said "If I''m spending that much, I should hope you love whatever I pick".

Years later when he was serious about getting a ring, he changed his tune. First, he really wanted my input because buying a ring is overwhelming and he did want to make sure I got something I loved (especially since he didn''t like the eternity band idea--I mean he did for a wedding band, but not an e-ring) and second, he expanded the budget. Too much, haha. We scaled it back, though, and got something we both loved.

I think sometimes when a guy initially starts to think about it the experience is much different than when it actually happens.

 

[FireGoddess]

I'd probably not pick this fight now if it's not something that's going to happen soon.

However, his comment about 'what you get is what you get and you better just like it' kinda irked me. You're asking someone to spend the REST of their life with you...you want to give them an expression of your love and commitment, which should include something the wearer would LIKE. Not to mention you will be wearing it every day of your life...and I'm sure if he had to wear something every day, he'd want to like it, too. Perhaps his comment reflects that it's just too early for him to be thinking about it, because that answer is not one I would expect from someone who has thought alot about what the ring means, not just that it's $$$ out of the wallet, y'know? It seems that's the case, as other PSers have heard similar comments, and those have changed with time.

 

[mirre]

Would it be possible for you to tell him that he can pick whatever ring he wants to pick for you and then you give him some ideas of what you absolutley do not like and then what you love and he can pick something with those or without those characteristics?

I''ve told my BF that I do not like nor do I want a round stone (nothing against them they are beautiful... but just not for me). However after being on here I''m kind of warming up to them. Before I had told him that I wanted a three-stone setting and have now changed my mind to a single middle stone with side stones... and that I definately do not want a solitaire.

Now I have found EXACTLY what I want but it just has to be custom made because it has too much stuff on it... I want it more simple. So I have showed him the pic of it and told him how I would like it done. Occasionally I''ll get the pic out and look at it. I just hope I''m not setting myself up for disappointment if I don''t get it.

But maybe you could try something like that. Give him hints or just flat out tell him what you do and don''t like. If he''s dead set on doing it himself then at least that way he has a better chance of getting something you want.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 10/26/2007 2:01:19 PM
Author: TravelingGal

You''ve only known him for 8 months, and you still have a lot of getting to know him to do. If you''re not in a hurry to marry him for the next couple of years, I would say focus on the relationship and not the ring at this point. That is, let it go. At this point, I think the battle is not worth fighting.

I was going to say the same thing. Eight months is not a long time. I''d focus on what you do have right now and continue to focus on the relationship.

 

[oobiecoo]

I think I''m in the minority here... but I think he is being "bit" selfish. $3000-5000 is quite a bit of money and would buy a beuaitful ring, but if he has 3 cars and a plasma tv then it shows he has NO problem splurging once in a while and I would think an engagement ring would be a reasonable thing to splurge on. You do still have a while to get to know each other and he could change his mind. Maybe you could tell him that many people go by the 2-3 month salary guideline... its also possible that he''s lying to throw you off

 

[louisvgirl]

Okay I agree with a combination of what everyone has said. I wouldn''t yet fight the battle about the ring or getting engaged. Is he divorced? I''m just assuming because someone mentioned him giving his ex-wife extra alimony$$? Did he give her a decent ring? and perhaps feels compelled to "make that mistake again" Perhaps this has left him with a sour taste in his mouth?

Okay this is where, I will get yelled at.
If he makes 6 figures, has 3 cars, and a plasma.....then he can afford a bigger ring. I''m sorry..but this would truly bug me..call me vain, call me selfish...I don''t know, but he could DEFINITELY AFFORD more than what he is offering. It would really bother me, if he had all these toys for himself and 3K on me?

I know that you love him, but give your relationship more time. It''s still a little early in comparison to us here. Some 3+ years, like myself. Enjoy your relationship and knowing that you are loved and that you have someone to love.

 

[Pandora II]

Personally I wouldn''t be so upset about the budget - but I would be fuming about the comments and attitude.

FI gave me a budget of $4k for my e-ring, I offered to pay anything over, we ended up spending a bit over $5k and he wouldn''t take a penny off me.

Both of us earn in the 6 figure range - but live in London where prices for everything are $$$$, and we are savers, so spare $$ was not bottomless. But more importantly, I didn''t want to spend a huge sum on my e-ring where I would be worried about it.

FI insisted I plan and research everything, as he knows how much fun I would have. I''m not sure he''d be into upgrades - but only for sentimental reasons. He''d rather I had diamond pendants/necklaces.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

The whole conversation was light and not like accusitory or anything, just something he mentioned. He was married before and he says he wants to marry me and I do want to marry him (we were friends before we started dating) so we have known eachother a long time.

As for what he spent on his ex''s ring, I have no idea. I have seen some pics but nothing that really shows me what it looks like. I think it was smaller than .5 and yellow gold solitare...I think....nothing what I want.

I want at least on 1 carat center stone...other than that nothing major. His whole meaning about me not upgrading is that he thinks that a woman should love the ring he proposes with and should not want to change it.

But I agree with some of the other comments made. He does have his toys and the one thing I want is a decent diamond.

We have not really discussed this convo since. We have been dating only 8 months but the training is never to early to start!! At least I think so...

I drag him into jewelry stores every now and again...he''s patient....but Im going to work on him a little...

I have time.