Vent-o-rama

[decodelighted]

** warning: possibly irrational emotional venting ahead ... read only if you''re up to being as frustrated as I am

**

We''re three weeks from the wedding. Saturday was our RSVP deadline. Caterer count is due tomorrow. The Sweetie has been working on seating arrangements & tables etc for a week now in anticipation of the sweet, sweet "final tally".

Tonight my Mom calls & "asks" if we can add eight people to our final caterer count that she will pay "extra" for because she''s invited about fifteen more distant family members BY PHONE CHAIN and ... NOT GIVEN THEM A DEADLINE OF ANY KIND by which to respond.

Backstory facts:

*I''m late 30''s
*My parents are paying approx 2/3 of the cost of the wedding & reception
*Originally they didn''t give us ANY people to invite beyond immedate family
*We mentioned on Sept 1st, if there''s anyone else you''d like to invite, let us know asap.
*On Sept 13th, two days before the deadline they gave us four couples to invite
*We did.
*Haven''t heard from any of them either (obviously, but at least they HAVE paper/offical invites & RSVP cards to send back EVENTUALLY.

These new people have neither ... just a random series of phone calls & no urgency about responding.

I''m speechless. But I kinda expect that kinda stuff from my mom. She''s, let''s say, not "on the ball". Very disorganized and not so socially savvy. She claims to have had "no idea" that OTHER things other than the caterer #/cost would be involved in this last minute flurry of random invites. (i.e. -- # of beverages, table assignments, hell - # of tables, whether we have to move some folks upstairs at the venue, WHO to move, young folks obviously, cause of the stairs, # of CDs, # of programs, making the placecards etc etc etc)

Sweetie, not used to my Mom''s "way", bless him, doesn''t freak -- but does insist we have to impose a deadline on these "newbies". He thinks this Thursday is reasonable. I agree. Call back Mom & she starts crying. "I can''t tell people what to do! I can''t tell them they have to decide so soon!!"

And she kind of implies that our "fancyness" (hello! BARN BBQ) is the problem ... our "table assignments" etc. is cramping her "C''mon down" take-all-the-credit-for-hospitality, have-no-backbone-re:rsvp style.

I feel guilty I didn''t ride her more for names ... I feel like I should have known she''d pull something like this & could have somehow avoided it now by being more proactive. But I honestly didn''t think she cared. She wrote a check eight months ago and hasn''t asked a single question since. IN FACT THEY HAVEN"T RSVP''D TO OUR WEDDING THEMSELVES. We teased her about it over Labor Day and she brags "I never RSVP!" Aiiigh!

After talking more to her (through her tears) tonight ... I kinda suspect what happened. Last week Sweetie''s mom called her for the first time ... to introduce herself & compare outfits. Sweetie''s Mom is SUPER PSYCHED about the shindig. Her friends are coming in full force ... bringing extra homemade desserts ... etc. Read: INVOLVED. She knew more about my outfit than my own Mom did and about a whole bunch of other stuff. ALL OF A SUDDEN my mom starts inviting more people. She admitted that she "got excited" after talking to Sweetie''s mom. I had no idea this phone call would happen and had no idea about the reverberations.

And the Sweetie just keeps saying ... she''s married off TWO DAUGHTERS before this, how does she not know how this goes?? Well - my mom is dizzy & passive aggressive and somewhat narcisstic and generally very childlike. She does a lot of "this is just how I am" talk ... and excuse-making. My Dad is a silent deferer. Inside he knows - but after 40 years, he realizes she ain''t changin.

I''m SO GRATEFUL for their contribution. I want them to have friends & family there. I want them to feel proud & involved & happy with what we''ve done with the funds. But I can''t just let them make different rules up as they see fit ... with us picking up the pieces & scrambling last minute making placecards etc......

*SIGH*

 

[Colored Gemstone Nut]

Decodelighted:

(1) Planning a wedding is stressgful as it is, so this will always be part of the equation.

(2) Mom's drive us crazy because they can. If they didn't I am sure we would find something else to bitch about.

(3)You and your hubby coming to a decision to make your life less stressfull by setting a deadline is what is best for you. The financial portion of your mom paying 2/3rd's is because that is something she wanted to do, so don't feel guilty.

(4)During these times it is easy for our

emotions

to get the best of us, so this most likely plays a role in what your mother is going through.

(Option)-Maybe you can get the info from Mom about their invites and you can call and give them the deadline. This way Mom is out of the picture and you still accomplish main goal of sticking to schedule.

"My Dad is a silent deferer. Inside he knows - but after 40 years, he realizes she ain't changin."
SweetHeart...I doubt it took your Dad 40 yrs. to realize this...

Neither you or your Dad will change this, but you & hubby taking the controls will produce the best stress free end result for the both of you, which IMHO is the most important in this situation.

Lastly.....

HAVE A Large glass of Wine and have a good laugh about all this with hubby instead of stressing out...

Regards...

 

[monarch64]

Hey Deco!

First, I didn''t realize you were getting married in just three weeks! Kinda hard to keep track of all you brides and your dates, LOL!

Anyhoo, your mom sounds a lot like a mother of a good friend of mine, a little flighty, if you will. My friend is always sort of rolling her eyes when she speaks of her mother, it''s hysterical.

I can only imagine how frustrated you''re feeling with the last minute invites and lack of RSVP''s! BUT, your parents are willing to fork over the extra cash for said last minute-ers, so it sounds like you''re just going to have to not worry about it, even though you would''ve liked to have seen things done differently. I think you have to let loose of the reigns a little bit there, girl. You know, everything will end up turning out ok in the end, although it''s easy to see it as a big problem right now, I bet those extra guests won''t even be on your mind on the wedding day! You''ll be more worried about other things, and hopefully you''ll be so excited to see your new hubby you won''t even be bothered by all the "little" stresses!

Never did see which dress you chose...I''ll have to go take a peek at your dress thread and see if it''s there! Take care, and you have my best wishes for a fabulous pre-wedding and big day!

 

[Mara]

it's amazing how weddings bring out all the worst emotions at all the worst times. things that would normally just make you shake your head and go 'oh thats mom!' instead have you venting on a message board.

we had a bit of drama with my mom around my wedding too. it was totally irrational of her at the time, and i was just baffled as to what the heck she was talking about, but i really don't get ruffled easily and was like whatever mom i can't deal with this right now. of course it was all good in the end, now she doesn't even REMEMBER what really happened or that she was acting like a wacko, so que sera sera. mothers will be mothers. gotta love them. my mom who is really not the sentimental type was just so jazzed and proud...you kind of recognize that in 20/20 hindsight, but it's touching really that your mom wants to keep inviting people even if she doesn't get that it could make your planning slash organizational life a living hell.

my cousin is getting married next weekend and there is totally family drama going on. his parents are not coming suddenly, and not paying for the wedding, because they don't like the gal blah blah blah, and it's really sad on many levels, the worst of all is that his parents are going to miss their son's wedding over some stupid drama that won't even be remembered in 5 years. i am just like what is the deal with family and weddings and why does everyone suddenly seem to take crazy pills when it comes to planning a wedding?!?! i just don't get it. (and this is totally not related to you persay but i read stories on here all the time about things people do, and then i see things like this drama with my cousin's wedding and i am like WTF? take a breather, people!)

anyway...for you...specific to your drama...i agree with josh. glass of wine and a good laugh. you obviously know what your mom is like, your family knows....so just deal. tell your mom that she can invite the extra people but that you have to know one way or another within a week or whatever and if she can't get them to tell her YES but she wants to keep them on the list, then she has to pay for them if they don't show up. if she wants them there that badly OR the option to keep it open, she will agree. worried about making placecards for extra people? make them anyway. that way you have them and you are ready. do whatever you can to prepare for the event that people will or won't come (people who RSVP'd won't come as well...it's just a fact of life!)...and you will always end up with a few extra place settings or seats that aren't filled. that means its a wedding!

the truth is, no matter how nicely you try to organize things or ensure that everything goes as it should, there is no guarantee of that and it won't work that way anyway. somehow it just works out and it just happens and that's it. don't stress out about this kind of stuff, it's totally just not worth it. and fighting with your mom or having your mom be upset over something like this is totally not worth it in the end. you want to have great memories surrounding this experience and situation, whatever you can laugh off, try! i know it seems like the whole world is the wedding right now but after it's over life goes on so just make it the best day you can with what you have to work with.

 

[monarch64]

Hee hee, my mother was in the ER the night before my wedding...we all thought she was going to be a no-show, but lo and behold she showed up with her IV bandage on, one navy sandal and one black, fully in her dramatic glory (as usual)

Words really can''t express....

 

[firebirdgold]

OY!
Three weeks, huh? Are the people she invited out-of-towners? If so they may not come. Your mom offered to pay for all those extra invites so take her up on it. Try to figure out how many people she invited really will come.. personally I bet it''s not many as they''re obviously not close enough to make the first cut. In fact most people invited at this late date will figure that they''re ''filler'' invites anyway.

Point being: pick a number and add it to your rsvp total. Tell your mom that since she invited these folks at such a late date and that you now have no idea of the final number but you absolutely have to give your caterer a final number tomorrow, she has to pay for the (randomly picked) number of guests over the rsvp''d list wether or not that many actually show up. After all you get charged on the number you give the caterer ahead of time, not how many show up. Given your mom''s convinent ditzyness she''ll probably try to get by with only paying for those who actually come, not what the number you''re in hock for. (Am I making any sense here?).

And the other''s are right, not everyone who''s rsvp''d will show up. The last wedding I was at had two full tables empty! (they consolidated a bit). There were even a couple of people who came to the ceremony but not the reception. So when you pick your number, aim low.

 

[rainbowtrout]

eugh. That sounds frustrating. I hate it when mine cries and then you have to talk through it/dance around the whole thing.


Sorry for the frustration! I don''t have a lot of advice other than to have that glass of wine as previously suggested.

 

[labbielove]

sorry for the frustration-
i would definitely call and get their names and contact info (since you will need for the thank you notes anyway-- good reason/excuse to give mom?) and a deadline for a headcount is in no way a "fancy" thing- it''s a planning thing- not just $ wise, but so caterer will have enough food for everyone.

sounds like your mom is just excited, but means well. to take the stress off of you and your fiance i would put my foot down (gently) and take matters into your own hands as far as contacting them and getting response.


good luck, it will all work out fine.

 

[decodelighted]

THANKS FOR THE GREAT ADVICE (as usual!) GUYS!

I feel a little better this a.m. about it ... and I didn''t even have wine in the house last night

so I only have you all & some extra zzzzzz''s to thank!

Still deciding whether to get the names & numbers from her & make the calls myself - or see what she comes up with by Thursday. Might talk to her again today & see how she''s feeling too.

Also, talked to a a good friend of mine (about my age) last night & she told me her loopy/brilliant/surgeon dad did the SAME THING a couple years ago - only her wedding was a 50 person sit-down dinner in a small Manhatten bistro. He got into town & started inviting Matre''D''s & cab drivers & random people he ran into!

She freaked at first but held out hope that most people WOULD NOT ATTEND a WEDDING that they''d been casually verbally invited to by a wacky family member of the bride & groom. And lo & behold - none of her Dad''s "guests" showed. That was good to hear

.

I consider myself fairly fortunate in the lack-of-wedding stress department. I think in truth this is less about "wedding stress" and more about "introducing Sweetie further into our family''s craziness". It just is what it is and we''ve all been dealing for years. It''s hard to see it through someone else''s eyes though!

Trying very very hard to count the BLESSINGS!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/18/2006 11:42:45 AM
Author: decodelighted
THANKS FOR THE GREAT ADVICE (as usual!) GUYS!

I feel a little better this a.m. about it ... and I didn''t even have wine in the house last night

so I only have you all & some extra zzzzzz''s to thank!

Still deciding whether to get the names & numbers from her & make the calls myself - or see what she comes up with by Thursday. Might talk to her again today & see how she''s feeling too.

Also, talked to a a good friend of mine (about my age) last night & she told me her loopy/brilliant/surgeon dad did the SAME THING a couple years ago - only her wedding was a 50 person sit-down dinner in a small Manhatten bistro. He got into town & started inviting Matre''D''s & cab drivers & random people he ran into!

She freaked at first but held out hope that most people WOULD NOT ATTEND a WEDDING that they''d been casually verbally invited to by a wacky family member of the bride & groom. And lo & behold - none of her Dad''s ''guests'' showed. That was good to hear

.

I consider myself fairly fortunate in the lack-of-wedding stress department. I think in truth this is less about ''wedding stress'' and more about ''introducing Sweetie further into our family''s craziness''. It just is what it is and we''ve all been dealing for years. It''s hard to see it through someone else''s eyes though!

Trying very very hard to count the BLESSINGS!!!

Deco, I think you are doing a great job counting the blessings...

For us last minute procrastinators, lack of family "involvement" is a huge blessing so I can understand how this would drive you batty. Sounds like you have it under control! I feel fortunate that my mom already got involved a bit with my brother''s wedding, so she is more than happy to let me go with it. I''m also happy that my FMIL is very hands off...although that might be because it''s too hard to be hands on from 8000 miles away!

So let''s see a "what''s deco doin''" thread...you gotta put it all in one place. I know I am not the only one who is dying to see all the details!!!

 

[Miranda]

OMG! Deco we''re sisters! We have the same mom!!! I don''t have much advice for you, only to enjoy your wedding. If you do decide to make calls to find out if the distant realitives are coming, just remember that most people will understand that you are having a wedding and you need to know how many to plan for. Good luck, girl!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

You have a ton of blessings to count, girl!

Glad to know that this isn''t keeping you down. The whole RSVP/guest thing was also what caused our wedding stress. So far, so good!