Vent... pls. knock some sense into me!!

[smiles]

Hi guys!
I rarely post but I need the sense knocked into me.
Background: BF and I have been together since high school and just celebrated our 5 year anniversary. I am in 3rd year university and he hated his 1st year at college, worked for a bit, did an apprentice training program and up until today was working as a driver for a big electrical contracting company waiting for a spot in the union to open up. Today he lost his job and we are not really sure why.

Regardless, he really like the electrician field he was headed towards and hated school. Now because he thinks he messed up when he thought he had a good 5 yr. plan ahead of him (which included us getting married) he is doubting what he should do and whether he should go to school for something undecided.

I immediately came home and in 5 minutes had a list of phone numbers for him to call to find out where he can get an apprenticeship job. He is going to call them and ask some questions now.

Am I selfish for just wanting him to get started on his apprenticeship ASAP?? I want him to do something he enjoys... but he really liked this until today. The thought of him going back to college before getting a job and our dreams of a future getting pushed back 5+ years DOES NOT excite me and I dont know if I could do it....

I also suggested he get some employment counselling to get some ideas of what would make him happy....
How can I help him now?? What is my role?? Do i shut up and let him do his thing???
Sorry this was so long, I have no idea what the right way to help is right now but I want to be there for him and work through this tough time together!

 

[Lauren8211]

I think this is the point where you have to keep your mouth shut and be supportive. It's hard to bite your tongue, I know!!

I just went through this EXACT same thing with my FF. He's had a blow to his ego, (losing a job) and now he's reevaluating what he wants to do. This could be a knee jerk reaction to losing a job because he feels like he's not accomplishing something, or this could have been a push for him to go back to school because he's had it in the back of his head that he kind of wanted to do that.

My FF always acted so proud of the fact that he was successful without having gone to college. Recently, I just found out that was him just protecting his ego. He had been feeling really inadequate for not having gone to school. I had NO idea. It was a really sensitive topic for him. So we talked, and I encouraged him to go back. Hopefully he follows through.

You don't want to get in the way of his educational or career goals. Even if it pushes back your engagement/wedding, a college education is something that you shouldn't talk him out of. I had to push my FF into going, he needed support. If this is a goal that your FF wants to achieve you really need to support him.

Talk to him about the pros and cons of college. Remind him its expensive, it requires a HUGE commitment, and he can't back out of it. The rewards are endless. If he's really committed to completing this goal, and not just trying to spare his ego, I would encourage you to be supportive of this.

 

[smiles]

Thanks. I would never try and talk him out of college. (keep in mind im in Canada so college here is much less expensive and hes getting a diploma not a dergree)

Its just hard because he HATED college the one year he went!!!

But you are right I have to keep shut and be supportive.... Thank you so much for sharing your story too!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Did he gives reasons for why he hated college? Did he have a terrible roommate? Did he hate his major? Did he have a bad professor? Maybe if he found a college that catered to his needs, he would enjoy it.

I think you should let him make his own decision. There''s nothing wrong with wanting him to succeed and do well for himself. Why couldn''t you get married while he was in school? Are you looking for him to get a job in order to support you and to pay for the wedding?

If he changed his career options, and you DID have to wait, would you? (You said that waiting does NOT excite you, and that you didn''t know if you could do it...) Do you love him enough to wait on him? If you can''t say "yes" then maybe you should rethink... you''ve been together since high school, and all of the sudden, you''re having doubts because he lost his job!

 

[neatfreak]

Would you want him to tell YOU not to go back to college? I doubt it...

I think with a bit more time and perspective he''ll figure out what he really wants to do. But I don''t think you should hold him back if college is really what he wants. Not everyone is ready for college right out of high school, but if he''s ready now, you need to support him.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Losing a job is often especially upsetting to a male because it's a large part of their identity and therefore is a huge blow to their ego. He's probably just as upset as you are, maybe more, that his 5 year plan just went out the window. And if that spawns a massive re-evaluation of priorities, I think that's a pretty natural reaction.

So at this point, you've gotta let him do whatever he needs to do. If that's university, so be it. Like someone else said, surely he would support you if you decided to switch majors or go to grad school, right? Even if he hated university several years ago, that doesn't mean he would hate it now. Some people just aren't ready for university when they are younger, then go back in their twenties and flourish because they are more mature, know what they want, etc.

Also, nothing against the younger LIW but you said you're third-year university. Assuming you went directly after HS, that would put you at about 20-21, right? That is still young overall, even waiting 5 years puts you at 25 for an engagement. Often people who meet very young end up dating a longer time before engagement/marriage anyway, for various reasons (maturity, life circumstances, money).

Plus, I knew a fair amount of people who were married and in university. Not saying it's the way to go, but it's not unheard of either. Hopefully you two will be able to work out some kind of compromise in the engagement department.

 

[bee*]

D lost his job during the week also and I agree with others that now is the time to just sit there and listen to him. D is an architect but he''s thinking that he may do a masters in business now. I''m not 100% sure if it''s the right thing to do, but I''ll support him no matter what. He''s done the same to me as I returned to college again three years ago to do veterinary. Although your plans might be put on hold for a few years, it''s really not that long a time relatively. Let him think things through in his own time. It can be a devastating thing losing a job and I think that sometimes panic sets in.

 

[allycat0303]

I think he has to decide for himself what he wants to do. Maybe being an electricien is it, and maybe it''s not. It''s a big decision for you to take over for him. Be supportive and let him figure it out. Even if the future is pushed back, the important thing is that you are together. Getting married can wait a bit so he can be content in his career. Career unhappiness can REALLY strain a relationship.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It can be frusterating for a partner, when her/his better half suddenly wants to completely change his/her life...but, at the end of the day, the biggest favor you can do is to just be supportive.

Yes, it may push your plans back...but you''re young, and you have a long life ahead of you (God willing)...a few years in the long run is like splitting hairs. At the cost of his happiness in his career, rushing it isn''t worth it at all.

Besides, you''re planning on starting a life with this man--if you start building your foundation on a career he''s unhappy with, chances are you''re in for a long haul of hiring, quitting, or firing...which could lead to money issues, and that is the number one reason couples fight.

Enjoy your relationship in the here and now...be a good girlfriend, don''t become a wet blanket over something this important. Love the man, and let him find his way.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

It''s never fun or a happy time when a wrench is thrown into your plans..and I know this is a rough time for both of you. As the others have said, your role at this point is to be there for him. Don''t try to push him into what you think he should do, but do offer him support in finding out what he wants to do. Does he want to go back to school? Or does he want another apprenticeship? Give him some time to figure it out..don''t make a rash decision..he may not know right now. The employment counseling might be helpful as well, but some time for him to think sounds best at this point.

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

I don''t post much, but I''m so sorry to hear about your BF''s job (and those of others in this thread, too). It''s a rough time economically, these days.

I was just thinking-- what''s to prevent you guys from getting married while he''s going back to school? I know it''s expensive, but student loans are actually some of the best possible loans you can acquire, with a really great interest rate. Given the current situation, that''s even more of a blessing. I know a number of people who have gotten married as graduate students, and they went into a lot of debt but they went ahead and got married and lived off the loan money. It''s no different than each of you individually doing the same thing... except that you aren''t paying rent for 2 separate apartments. Maybe he could take classes and also moonlight a bit doing electrician work or odd jobs in that general field?

I know in Canada people begin university a little later than in the States, so I''m guessing you''re around 22 or 23. I won''t tell you that''s too young to get married, but 5 years is a long time to be with one person, especially when you''ve both grown and changed so much. Clearly you are still growing and changing (we always are, but not quite as much as in our early 20''s).

The question is, can you support him as he continues to grow into the person he is, or do you need to "settle down" before you''re 28 or so in order to feel like you''re fully the person YOU are? How much of your identity involves marriage? How much of that is because of your relationship, and how much is simply because marriage is a life goal of yours? There are no wrong answers to any of these questions, but if marriage is a life goal, you may want to consider that he likely won''t be ready for it until much later. A good marriage involves mutual support. You may grow bitter at the idea of waiting for him to finish school, because your goal of getting married conflicts with his goal of education.

I can''t tell you what to do, because all of our situations are different, but it would probably be good to do some soul searching and figure out if you can wait, and for how long. I hope it all works out for you both!

 

[smiles]

holy smokes....

ok. where to begin. Firstly, I have not said anything to him regarding his plans for the future since Friday except for letting him know that if he wants to talk through his thoughts I will listen to the jumble in his mind and be there to suppoty whatever decision he makes.
Secondly, I would NEVER stop him from going back to school nor would I ever break up with him because that set our plan back. And while it is true that people change about wanting to go back to school it was not professors, roomates or anything like that since he was still living at home and as I said college here is much different than college in the U.S.
Someone asked if I would wait five years or however long if I had to for him. I would wait for him for as long as he needed to get himself ready as long as we both agreed and communicated about where it was headed, as we do now.

Someone also mentioned how upset he must be that his plans just changed and this is sooo completely true. He feels completely used and abused by this company and as though he just wasted a lot of his time because they promised hiim something and did not deliver. I vented here specifically because I knew you would understand my frustrations and I wanted to get them out so that they would not impede on my ability to proactively support my BF at this time.

Finally, we could get married during school assuming we were both working jobs at the same time and could support ourselves. Luckily we both have wonderful families who would help us but I want to be able to support myself before I get married. I currently work a part-time job while in school and I also have 1-2 years of grad school ahead of me. I know a lot of people do it, and I would be willing to do it if it was the best decision for us at that time.

Finally, I know I am young, I knew it would come up, we have grown and changed a lot together over time we both know we will continue to change and grow. That said we love each other for a million reasons and I need to be there for him now. I didnt think I could do that properly withot getting my own thoughts and feelings straightened out. Thank you for all your words of wisdom.

ETA: For him to get into the union requires an aptitude test and multiple interviews and then the wait for a job is about 6months -1 year. He has decided to apply (the earliest he can do so is November) and also in the mean time try and find other work as an apprentice. He has pretty much nixed the college idea, because he really, in his own words, is not a school person, and some people arent. If he changes his mind again later on or sooner I will not, as I didnt this time, discourage him from looking more into it. As others said he would support my decisions no matter what and I will his even if it affects our plans. As the saying goes, people plan and God laughs.

 

[HollyS]

I guess I don''t understand why everyone feels their plans, their careers, their futures should be set in stone before they can move forward as a couple. My parents had 45 years of marriage prior to my mother''s death; they were both in college, working part-time, and in short order, I was on the way. Growing together did not derail them from a good life and a long marriage.

I can understand wanting him to be employed, and well on his way to securing the type of job he is interested in; but there is no reason for that to take an additional 5+ years.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Big hugs to you, Smiles, and kudos to you for being a great, supportive BF.

We''re only given what we can handle in life... I know you both will come out of this ahead. It seems like he''s already on the right track and soon the feelings of betrayal and let-down from the previous company will pass.

I''m aware that you said he nixed the college idea, so maybe this is pointless to say, but my father was in a similar situation... Went to school for a year and dropped out... Didn''t like it, didn''t do as well as he''d hoped, wasn''t a ''school person.'' He became a mechanic and car sales person and made a decent living, but after another un-renewed contract, came across a job as a teacher at a joint-vocational high school. They let him teach right off the bat, without a degree (only because he had maaany years of experience), and he went to school part-time to complete his bachelors and then masters.

Has he ever considered teaching his trade? Like, in a high school setting, with a BA? (I''m not sure what the degrees are in Canada, so maybe it''s different). Lots of schools in the US offer teaching degrees for vocational teachers. Just a thought