Vent

[Smurfysmiles]

So my parents are basically paying for the entire wedding which is why I don''t mind that they are inviting people and relatives I''ve never met and fi has never met...However now all of our relatives are wanting to bring people as dates that neither of us have never met. I can''t remember what the general rule is about this. It''s not a matter of money- it''s a matter of not wanting people there that we have never seen in our lives...Is there a tactful way to say no?


Also, my niece is singing for the candle ceremony and each week she keeps coming up with completely different songs to sing and most of them I don''t even like. I really liked the first song she picked (Finally by Fergie) but now she doesn''t want to sing that. She also wants her best guy friend to come with her to the wedding so he can play guitar for the song she sings (which is where I drew the line, I simply said "No we do not want anyone in the ceremony that we do not know, sorry. Maybe Russ(my bil) can play guitar for you if you want to do that"). Also this is where the top vent came from.

I also sent a message to my mom asking her to please not invite more people we don''t know (we''ve already got almost 80 people neither of us know on the list simply for the sake of my dad making ammends with his side of the family). I just don''t want to have my time preoccupied talking to people I don''t know that day when I''d rather be spending it celebrating with my close friends and family you know?

Ok I''m done....thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

My daughter is close to being engaged and our policy will be to invite no one that the bride and groom do not know. Our objective is close family and close friends. That way, when we talk to someone who is not invited, we''ll just say it is going to be a small wedding (with their closest 125-150 family and friends). However, their unmarried friends will probably bring girlfriends or boyfriends. I don''t know how you handle people who just invite a date, though.

 

[Lilac]

I''m not sure I have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that I know how you feel - my parents paid for the wedding (which DH and I were SO grateful for) and we had over 500 people. Yes, 500. (and that''s down from the 700 that were invited - we got lucky and 200 said no).

I had 40 guests and my husband had 40 guests. Everyone else was either distant relatives who we really didn''t have much of an interest in talking to (because we hardly ever see them, and some we didn''t even know) and complete strangers.

DH and I understood that this was going to be the case when our parents said they would pay for the whole wedding. Their money = their guests. I spent most of my time at the wedding talking to and dancing with my friends and DH''s friends, but there were some times when I had to be polite and talk to people who I barely knew. But it was a tradeoff - DH and I had a beautiful wedding (better than I ever could have hoped for) and much more elaborate than we could have afforded ourselves, and our parents were happy because they were able to invite whoever they wanted.

I know how frustrating it is that there will be so many people there who you don''t know, but unfortunately, as long as your parents are paying for the entire wedding, I don''t think there''s much you can do about it. Try to remember how lucky you are that they are being this generous and at the wedding be polite to the guests you don''t know and try to talk to and dance as much as possible with your close family and friends!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 5/13/2009 7:31:03 PM
Author: Lilac

I know how frustrating it is that there will be so many people there who you don''t know, but unfortunately, as long as your parents are paying for the entire wedding, I don''t think there''s much you can do about it. Try to remember how lucky you are that they are being this generous and at the wedding be polite to the guests you don''t know and try to talk to and dance as much as possible with your close family and friends!

That''s pretty much what I assumed we would do. I basically just asked if we could just not invite more people since we are pretty close to ordering invitations and don''t want to have to order extra (and also because fi and I are paying for the invitations so we can get the ones we would like...) because dad''s secretaries best friend''s son''s girlfriend wants to come (yeah I made that all up lol). I''m being as polite as possible- I just don''t want to look back on the wedding and think man I wish I had been able to spend more time with the people I care about....I''m secretly hoping that most of the people we don''t know will just regretfully declined (does that make me horrible!)

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know it will all turn out ok, it''s just one of those things I had to type out and get out of my head so I can stop stressing about it...typing things out always makes me less stressed...

 

[Lilac]

I was hoping most of the people we didn''t know would decline! Truthfully, at the wedding, I had to be polite to a LOT of people I had never met, but most people who DH and I didn''t know left relatively early. They came, made an appearance, congratulated us, ate some food, and left. If people don''t know you, chances are they won''t stay the whole time and at the end of the wedding you''ll be left with all your close friends and family anyway.

And looking back on it, I don''t even remember all the strangers who came - yes, I remember it being crowded, but I was so completely in my own world with my new husband and so completely happy to be married I just focused on celebrating with the people I really cared about.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I WISH it could be like that lilac. Unfortunately all of the unknown people are from wisconsin...meaning they will be there the entire weekend. I think I may just have to suck it up :-\

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Here''s what my mom wrote back...it really doesn''t help but I sucked it up and told her it did *sigh*

Your sister needs to give permission to the girls to bring their boyfriends first. You only need to send an invite to your sister and her girls. They in turn will RSVP with the number of people that will be there. We have no control over what guests they bring.

Hope this helps.
Love Mom

 

[kittybean]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:11:26 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
Here''s what my mom wrote back...it really doesn''t help but I sucked it up and told her it did *sigh*

Your sister needs to give permission to the girls to bring their boyfriends first. You only need to send an invite to your sister and her girls. They in turn will RSVP with the number of people that will be there. We have no control over what guests they bring.

Hope this helps.

Love Mom

This sounds completely unhelpful to me, and your mom, as the hostess, does have control over whom other guests bring. If this really concerns you that much, I wouldn''t continue to "suck it up."

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Well I''ve always read that if someone puts a higher number on the rsvp then the names on the envelope that it is ok to say "I''m sorry we''re already very tight on numbers and only meant for the invitation to be for the people it was addressed to..." Or something along those lines. I mean this in the very best possible way (because I am the same way at least once a day) but sometimes my mom can be a real airhead lol. I''m not really sure how to explain that maybe things aren''t quite the same way as they used to be? (She''s almost 70....)

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:47:46 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
Well I''ve always read that if someone puts a higher number on the rsvp then the names on the envelope that it is ok to say ''I''m sorry we''re already very tight on numbers and only meant for the invitation to be for the people it was addressed to...'' Or something along those lines. I mean this in the very best possible way (because I am the same way at least once a day) but sometimes my mom can be a real airhead lol. I''m not really sure how to explain that maybe things aren''t quite the same way as they used to be? (She''s almost 70....)

Things are the same way it used to be-your mom just doesn''t know etiquette rules. If the name is not on one of the envelopes-they aren''t invited. And it''s ok to tell people that if they RSVP for extra people.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:47:46 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
Well I''ve always read that if someone puts a higher number on the rsvp then the names on the envelope that it is ok to say ''I''m sorry we''re already very tight on numbers and only meant for the invitation to be for the people it was addressed to...'' Or something along those lines. I mean this in the very best possible way (because I am the same way at least once a day) but sometimes my mom can be a real airhead lol. I''m not really sure how to explain that maybe things aren''t quite the same way as they used to be? (She''s almost 70....)

Just be certain if you apply the "Invites only to the names on envelopes" that you apply it universally.... Sally Jones can''t bring her non-invited boyfriend if Susie Smith was told "Sorry... we''re already tight on numbers."

That''s a sure-fire way to anger guests.

Hope this works itself out soon!!!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/13/2009 7:30:09 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
My daughter is close to being engaged and our policy will be to invite no one that the bride and groom do not know. Our objective is close family and close friends. That way, when we talk to someone who is not invited, we''ll just say it is going to be a small wedding (with their closest 125-150 family and friends). However, their unmarried friends will probably bring girlfriends or boyfriends. I don''t know how you handle people who just invite a date, though.

mini thread jack (on topic, i swear) - Diamond Seeker, can you please talk some sense into all of us who have mothers who insist on inviting their dear friends who we haven''t seen since birth?

Smurfy - glad to see you back (and i love the blue shoes!). I think for the aspects of the wedding where you have control (your niece, for example) go for what you want. Wedding guests, are just one of those (semi) uncontrollable things that tend to happen. Hopefully you''ll just remember it by so many (random) people wishing you happiness