Vent

[DearBuddha]

Ok, so I''m not sure if this is the proper forum for this situation, but seeing as it''s wedding related, I figured this was a better place than no place at all (and I really need some outside perspective). If it''s the wrong place, could someone please move it to it''s proper place? TIA.

Basically, I got engaged two years ago and married one year ago. I have a smaller group of very close girlfriends that I wanted to include in my wedding, so I asked three of these close girlfriends to stand up for me as bridesmaids.

So here''s the backstory: we all shared a mutual friend in a girl we knew from high school. While I considered the girl a friend, and we hang out all the time in college, I never felt I shared the same bond with her that I did with the others. She wasn''t a fair-weather friend, and neither was she a frenemy, but we just had our own thing going on and after graduation, we completely drifted apart; we literally talked MAYBE five times after graduation.

So needless to say, I didn''t ask her to be a bridesmaid. Well, apparently this did not go over well at all and she distanced herself from the friends I had asked. She never answered their phone calls, never replied to emails; she vanished.

Well, fast forward to my bridal shower. I had put her name on the list of people my mother was to send invites to (I wanted her to feel included and wanted), but my mother slacked big time and didn''t end up sending out any invitations at all; everything was via phone calls or facebook (classy, right?), and I actually had to do most of the coordinating myself.

Well, this girl felt I had purposefully left her out and that I was making up stories about lost invites, yadda yadda yadda. Several of my BMs reinforced that no invitations had been mailed, and I personally wrote her a card inviting her and explaining/apologizing for the mix-up. The only response I got back was "well, thanks, but I''m not available anyways." Ok. No biggie.

Cue the backstabbing stories: My BMs began to slowly leak stories about this "friend" and the things she had been saying about my engagement/wedding. They were very reluctant to tell me anything because, admittedly, I am very sensitive and take things to heart easily. But once I heard what she had been saying, it began to come together and sound like things I could imagine her actually saying. Obviously I was hurt and had a hard time trying to decide if/why I even wanted her at my wedding, but I was reluctant to write her off because there was a history between us. But the girl must have found out that our friends had told me these things, because as soon as she started talking to them again, she bolted just as quickly (side note: she still doesn''t speak to them).

Ultimately, through my BMs'' advice and a desire to be content on my wedding day, it was decided between me, my DH, and my friends that this girl would not be invited to the wedding. Unfortunately, on the day of my wedding I stupidly logged onto Facebook and immediately saw the many status updates she had posted already that morning:

"I hope it pours!" (my wedding was outside)
"Ecstatic!" (it rained)

...and so on.

I decided not to think about it, but after I got back from my honeymoon, I decided I would try to be the bigger person and write her a letter explaining that it was nothing personal, but circumstances steered me towards excluding her from the wedding. I cited lots of inane reasons at first (it was too expensive, guest list was cut, ect...) before I opened up a little more and explained that I personally felt we had not been friends in a long time. I offered to take her out for dinner so we could really just talk and put any negative feelings behind us.

She immediately emailed me back and called me a liar and a bad friend. Our communication ended on that and we haven''t spoken since.

But here''s where it get tricky, and I''d love to hear your input on whether or not I''m dwelling or looking for reasons to rehash how I feel:

She says stuff (online and to mutual friends) all the time that make me think she''s directly referring to me.

"I know who my REAL friends are."
"I found out how strong I really am."
"Beauty is only surface, but ugly is bone-deep."

Granted, I haven''t deleted her from any friend list I have (I don''t know why; I guess I don''t want to look like I''m bitter or something), so I think I might be looking for hidden agendas in anything she puts online.

I just don''t know. I guess I''m just looking for reassurance that I shouldn''t feel bad for decisions I made about my wedding(?).

Did I do something wrong or shady? Have any of you had similar experiences? How did/are you dealing with it?

Kudos to anyone who made it to the end of this. Thanks!

 

[Prana]

I think that she is toxic, and maybe you are dwelling a little. It is hard to move on from things like this, but you really don''t need any part of her in your life. You don''t need the little reminders that she is there . You have tried to reconcile, but she does not want to. Let her continue to be that way, but obviously she is toxic to you as you are dwelling on this. Delete her from your life and in time, she will just be a long lost memory.

 

[cindygenit]

Sounds like all this started because you didn''t ask her to be your BM. I think she''s just angry that she didn''t get asked, which is childish of her. You have tried everything you can to resolve this issue and she isn''t willing to do the same. I say let her go, and cut her out of your life.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I would delete her from facebook so you can no longer see her status updates and move on.... you don''t need this negativity in your life, you tried to mend, she didn''t want to so just let it go, she''s not a friend and she is definately not worth the heartache she is causing you. Sorry you had to deal with this!

 

[DearBuddha]

Ladies, thank you so much for your input! It really means a lot to me to know that I can come here with a problem I may not feel comfortable exposing or addressing in RL; I can always count on PS ladies to be open, honest, and supportive.

It''s like ripping a band-aid off, I think. Part of me is reluctant to make things worse by deleting her (which inevitably it would be, as she''s all about drama to anyone who will listen), but a larger part of me is tired of the passive-aggressive routine.

I have a lot of love in my life, so I don''t really understand why this continues to upset me.

Thanks again, ladies <3

 

[KimberlyH]

Her behavior seems so juvenile, but I am sure she is hurt as she feels left out of your circle, and while your reasons may be valid, her feelings are understandable. Time to delete her from facebook and forget about what's happened. I tend to be sensitive, so I do understand, but sometimes we need to just let go.

 

[doodle]

I wound up in vaguely similar circumstances after my wedding was over with a girl who had been my best friend since the third grade. Bad blood arose, and I realized that, while we were close when we were growing up, our friendship had not grown up with us. Sometimes it''s hard to let go of someone you have history with, but keep in mind that letting go of the person doesn''t mean you have to forget about the good times back in the day, too, you know? Think about it this way--at this point in your life, do you miss the person she is now being in your life? Ten years from now, will you feel that you''ve lost or missed out on something by not having her there? If the answer is "no" then you know what you need to do. Good luck!

 

[rockzilla]

Here''s my take on what happened. You didn''t feel she was as close, she did, so you didn''t ask her to be a bridesmaid and she was upset. She then [mistakenly] thought you weren''t inviting her to the shower and [may or may not have] made other plans. You reiterated to her that she was invited to the shower, but at this point her pride was already hurt and she reacted defensively. I don''t know what she said to your other friends, but I''m pretty sure she didn''t intend for them to tell you.

You then uninvited her to the wedding. In all the wedding related blogs, sites, boards, I''ve read, this is the nuclear option for a friendship. By inviting her to the shower, you implied that she would be invited to the wedding, and then didn''t invite her. Now, I''m sure this wouldn''t have been an easy decision either way, but if you uninvite someone to your wedding, the most important day etc, you are basically saying, "Our friendship is over." So, you probably should have "de-friend"ed her at that point.

I''m not defending her actions, clearly they were immature and childish. But, as an adult, you knew full well the implications (etiquitte and friendship both) that were associated with your decision to dis-invite her to your wedding. Now you both have to deal with the friendship-ending consequences.

It pretty much sucks all around =(

 

[lala2332]

I''m sorry that this all happened. Friendships like this are not worth stressing over. Its been over a year and I think its unhealthy for both of you to still be worried and being passive aggressive (on her side) about this.

i wouldn''t defriend her on facebook, I think it might stir the pot even more. For toxic people like this I use the "hide" feature, so that their status updates don''t show up in my newsfeed. You can also make a limited profile list and put her on it, and edit it where she can only see certain things, not your whole profile. Maybe this is worse....I have had people figure it out before and do the same to me, but it makes me feel better knowing that they can''t see everything I do on facebook and that I don''t have to see all their little comments. And I really like still being able to check in occasionally when I choose to. (which is bad of me, but sometimes I can''t help it!)

Hugs to you!