Vent.

[bubbly1126]

Ugh.

BF went and decided to order a new video card for the computer when apparently "we don''t have any money." (When we got the new computer 2 weeks ago he said he got the basic one b/c he didn''t need a really good one since he doesn''t play many games anymore...)

The thing that really gets me is that he moaned and groaned over having to fork out money for a computer... and then buys the very unnessary x-box 360 and now a video card for games I know he will get tired of playing after a week or two?

Do any of your BF''s or FI''s just go out and buy things on a whim? -It really annoys me!

Especially when we''re supposed to be saving or we "don''t have any money" as he says. What the heck??

And yes, it also annoys me b/c it just makes me realize more and more how far off I am with wanting an engagement soon.

If we don''t have any money and whatever money we do have he keeps blowing on stupid stuff then I know I''m going to be waiting quite a long time. (Unless he''s setting money aside for a ring that I don''t know about, which could ALWAYS be the case... but I truly don''t think it is.)

I''m actually considering removing myself from the LIW list because I''m just so annoyed and feeling like it''s never going to happen.

I actually had a moment of weakness last night... he asked what was wrong and I just said "Don''t you want to marry me?" The look on his face was as if I broke his heart and he said "yes, why do you think I don''t?" At this point I held back though because I knew I would just burst out crying or seem as though I was nagging. (I''d rather wait until I get my thoughts/emotions together and actually have a productive talk.) --I also feel as though if he doesn''t recognize why I would be upset over his spending when I want an engagement then maybe he isn''t as serious about it as I am. I know, I know. People aren''t mind readers and sometimes they need a little help seeing things... but I''ve been pretty open about wanting to be engaged so I would think by now that he would get the hint. I don''t know.

I guess that''s all I have to say for now... I''m just sad today.


p.s. He gave another hint for my birthday present. Says I can''t use it right away and upon asking why he says something along the lines of..."because there is another phase to it."

He said all the hints won''t make sense right away but once he runs through all of them and explains, it''ll be like "ohh, I should have gotten that!"

Haha. I have no idea!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Is it possible that he has the ring and u just dont know it yet? He could have saved some extra money that you dont know about or he could be using something like store credit to get something that he returned before.

Most guys are like that though. They see it as ''my'' money and while techincally it is, they dont see that we look at things and pay extra attention to the things that they spend their money on. To them its just 100 here or 200 there...but it us its like...there goes the side stones, the setting fee...the shipping fee...the GIA report....

The only way you will feel better about it is to talk to him.

Good luck!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/6/2007 3:40:09 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
Is it possible that he has the ring and u just dont know it yet? He could have saved some extra money that you dont know about or he could be using something like store credit to get something that he returned before.

Most guys are like that though. They see it as 'my' money and while techincally it is, they dont see that we look at things and pay extra attention to the things that they spend their money on. To them its just 100 here or 200 there...but it us its like...there goes the side stones, the setting fee...the shipping fee...the GIA report....

The only way you will feel better about it is to talk to him.

Good luck!

It's possible he has the ring, or is in the process of purschasing it, but I wouldn't bet on it.

As for store credit, he told me straight out that he bought it. (using his debit account, no credit from the company he ordered it from.)

I don't mind that he likes to buy stuff for himself at all... he works hard for his money and I would never tell him he can't do what he wishes with it. BUT knowing how I feel about an engagement and us saving, he should be considerate and not just spend the money on things that can wait. (Not saying my ring can't wait, so I hope no one sees it as if I just want the ring... it's just the point of we're supposed to be saving and he didn't even want to spend the money on a new computer.)

I plan to talk to him... I just wanted to vent and get my thoughts and stuff in order before doing so. I think that's key in approaching any situation.

Thanks!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Yeah I see your point. Just talk to him and see what he says.

Could he have borrowed against him 401k? You might not know about that...

 

[robbie3982]

I think it''s just a guy thing. DH was doing the same thing, buying all kinds of video games, expensive dinners, etc when he was supposed to be saving for the ring. We''d put a down payment on a ring, but couldn''t pick it up till it was paid off. Then one day he just went and put the balance on his credit card

. It''s not like my ring cost that much, but we''d talked about not using credit to buy it. I ended up paying it off with money I had in my savings account (it became our account once we were engaged anyway).

He''s gotten a lot better with money since then, but we''re still working on it. I really think it''s a guy thing.

 

[bubbly1126]

Alexis, he very well may have. At this point, I don''t believe so but guys can be sneaky so it''s always a possibility!

Robbie, I agree that it must be a guy thing! I''m glad it''s gotten better for you though!

 

[ladypirate]

That is so frustrating! I told K about it and he was livid as well. It might be worth sitting down and explaining to him that while you understand that he works hard and deserves to have nice things, you also know that getting engaged is important to both of you. You could discuss setting a budget for a ring and getting a general timeline together. Then you''d have some concrete answers so you''d feel better, and you''d be nudging him in the right direction without nagging.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/6/2007 5:57:26 PM
Author: robbie3982

I think it's just a guy thing. DH was doing the same thing, buying all kinds of video games, expensive dinners, etc when he was supposed to be saving for the ring.

Yup. I got frustrated with FI when he bought a brand-new iMac soon after our first "ring/engagement" conversation! I always joke to him that he got off easy, because we got an incredible deal on our stone, and he would've been up s*** creek otherwise since he hadn't been saving much (if at all, I mean, let's be honest!)

We would not even be engaged now if we hadn't gotten lucky with the stone.

He's responsible with his money and wouldn't ever spend beyond his means, but he has little motivation to save for anything specific (only regular deposits to his retirement fund, which for a 23-year-old guy, I should be (and am) very happy about).


It's a guy thing. They don't often "get" the ring thing for us, and we don't often "get" the video game thing for them. It's their "thing," though. If we can have a "thing" then I SUPPOSE they can have one, too!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/6/2007 9:43:41 PM
Author: musey

Date: 10/6/2007 5:57:26 PM
Author: robbie3982

I think it''s just a guy thing. DH was doing the same thing, buying all kinds of video games, expensive dinners, etc when he was supposed to be saving for the ring.

Yup. I got frustrated with FI when he bought a brand-new iMac soon after our first ''ring/engagement'' conversation! I always joke to him that he got off easy, because we got an incredible deal on our stone, and he would''ve been up s*** creek otherwise since he hadn''t been saving much (if at all, I mean, let''s be honest!)

We would not even be engaged now if we hadn''t gotten lucky with the stone.

He''s responsible with his money and wouldn''t ever spend beyond his means, but he has little motivation to save for anything specific (only regular deposits to his retirement fund, which for a 23-year-old guy, I should be (and am) very happy about).


It''s a guy thing. They don''t often ''get'' the ring thing for us, and we don''t often ''get'' the video game thing for them. It''s their ''thing,'' though. If we can have a ''thing'' then I SUPPOSE they can have one, too!

LoL. That is true!

And I must say that my guy is also responsible with money and would never spend beyond his means... but I guess it''s just frustrating.

Hopefully we get lucky like you two!

 

[princesss]

Okay, this isn''t nearly to the same level, but my BF and I had kind of a similar conversation a few weeks ago.

He''s been saying he has no money at all, so we haven''t had a night out in 3 months (not even at the $2 a game Monday nights at the bowling alley)...but I watched him put $700 in his account the day AFTER he paid his rent. I lost it. Quietly, and privately, but I lost it. He could tell I was upset, and asked me what was wrong. When I finally got myself pulled together, I just said, "I know that it''s your money and I have no control over how you spend it. I know I sound like a brat for complaining about the way you spend your money. But it hurts that you''ve said we can''t go do anything at all when you can actually afford one night out. It makes me feel like I''m worth less than the random other things you spend money on (box sets of DVDs, newly-released movies, etc)."

You know what he told me? He hadn''t realized it was a problem and that it was making me feel that way. It''s really possible that he just doesn''t know how upset you are. Guys don''t get it all the time. Or they''re so wrapped up with their own plans about how they''re going to do it they don''t see the toll it''s taking on us. Would you feel better if you knew he had started saving and/or had a plan about how to get the ring?

Like I said, I know it''s NOWHERE near the conversation you''re going to have, but I found that he was really receptive when I was calm and, instead of nagging, explained how what I saw was hurting me.

Best of luck. I hope he''s just being really sneaky!

 

[Sha]

Ahh. Where''s TravelingGal''s List of PreEngagement Rules when you need it. You should do a search for that list and give it to him. Guys really don''t seem to get that the $200 they blow on this or that, could''ve have been $200 saved towards the ring. $$$ saved = MONEY TO BUY A RING. $$$ spent = NO RING or RING IN VERRYY DISTANT FUTURE. They just don''t seem to see the link, for some reason. It just doesn''t seem to compute!!

And it''s funny how he sounded so perplexed when you asked if he didn''t want to marry you. Fellars really think differently. I know it''s so frustrating. I''ve been there! It sounds like he does want to marry though, but that he may need some help understanding your perspective a bit more.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/6/2007 10:16:58 PM
Author: princesss
Okay, this isn''t nearly to the same level, but my BF and I had kind of a similar conversation a few weeks ago.

He''s been saying he has no money at all, so we haven''t had a night out in 3 months (not even at the $2 a game Monday nights at the bowling alley)...but I watched him put $700 in his account the day AFTER he paid his rent. I lost it. Quietly, and privately, but I lost it. He could tell I was upset, and asked me what was wrong. When I finally got myself pulled together, I just said, ''I know that it''s your money and I have no control over how you spend it. I know I sound like a brat for complaining about the way you spend your money. But it hurts that you''ve said we can''t go do anything at all when you can actually afford one night out. It makes me feel like I''m worth less than the random other things you spend money on (box sets of DVDs, newly-released movies, etc).''

You know what he told me? He hadn''t realized it was a problem and that it was making me feel that way. It''s really possible that he just doesn''t know how upset you are. Guys don''t get it all the time. Or they''re so wrapped up with their own plans about how they''re going to do it they don''t see the toll it''s taking on us. Would you feel better if you knew he had started saving and/or had a plan about how to get the ring?

Like I said, I know it''s NOWHERE near the conversation you''re going to have, but I found that he was really receptive when I was calm and, instead of nagging, explained how what I saw was hurting me.

Best of luck. I hope he''s just being really sneaky!

Yeah, I have a feeling he doesn''t even realize that I''m upset over it because you''re right, guys don''t get it all the time.

I, too, feel that my BF will be much more receptive when I can calmy explain to him why I''m so upset over it. Nagging or yelling just doesn''t do the trick, I realized a long time ago. LoL.

The thing is also, for the last month and a half I haven''t ask for anything, not to even do anything, and we''ve only eaten out once, where as we usually go out like 2-3 times within that time frame and yet he still doesn''t seem to have money. Even adding the expense of the computer, x-box, video card and other random stuff, he should still have quite a bit of money. He hasn''t been a big saver over the years and about 2 month ago he started regularly putting money into that. But I think that''s just clearly "savings'', not for anything special. (Unless it is and he''s just not telling me.) But I just wonder where his money goes? Not that there is a massive amount of money missing each week/month or whatever, but I would think that from all the money we''ve saved by not going out and doing stuff that he''d have more money.

Maybe I''m just missing something here. I don''t know.

I do realize it is "his" money he''s spending though... so I can''t really complain there, which I don''t plan to do. I''m just going to explain to him how it hurts for him to be spending all that money when we''re supposed to be saving up for bigger and better things.

But to answer your question, yes, I would love to know if he''s saving up for a ring and if he''s not, when he starts planning to. I''m thinking about asking him that when we talk tonight.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/6/2007 10:24:35 PM
Author: Sha
Ahh. Where''s TravelingGal''s List of PreEngagement Rules when you need it. You should do a search for that list and give it to him. Guys really don''t seem to get that the $200 they blow on this or that, could''ve have been $200 saved towards the ring. $$$ saved = MONEY TO BUY A RING. $$$ spent = NO RING or RING IN VERRYY DISTANT FUTURE. They just don''t seem to see the link, for some reason. It just doesn''t seem to compute!!

And it''s funny how he sounded so perplexed when you asked if he didn''t want to marry you. Fellars really think differently. I know it''s so frustrating. I''ve been there! It sounds like he does want to marry though, but that he may need some help understanding your perspective a bit more.

Yeah, why can''t guys think like us? LoL.

I plan to talk to him about it all... and I hope I don''t come off as nagging or anything, because I''m truly not trying to be.

I KNOW he would feel the same way if it were a situation where I was supposed to be saving up for something for him... So I think he will understand.

But I do wonder sometimes how guys can be so clueless!?!? Hehe.

 

[musey]

P.S. Bubbly, were you the LIW who had told her boyfriend she'd be okay keeping her promise ring as an e-ring? Maybe he took that to heart... which may explain why he's confused by there being a problem with him not saving up

ETA: I should've double-checked with you first--that wasn't you!! Sorry!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/6/2007 10:45:41 PM
Author: musey
P.S. Bubbly, were you the LIW who had told her boyfriend she''d be okay keeping her promise ring as an e-ring? Maybe he took that to heart... which may explain why he''s confused by there being a problem with him not saving up

ETA: I should''ve double-checked with you first--that wasn''t you!! Sorry!

Actually, I have told him that I had no problem keeping my promise ring as an engagement ring. It was like a year or two ago and he didn''t seem to really take what I said into consideration at the time so I thought maybe he wanted to get me another one. And since then I have shown him different rings I liked.

But you are right, maybe he did take that to heart. I didn''t think that maybe he remembered/or even really listened to my offer and planned not get me another ring. Hmm. You bring up a good point!

Perhaps I''ll ask him about that! I don''t want there to be any confusion. (If he plans to have me use my promise ring then that is perfectly fne, I just want to make sure we''re on the same page!)

Yay for people who pay attention! (Because I obviously missed that! haha)

Thank you!

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, I didn''t read through the whole thread, but I had a sudden flash back to about four-five months before DH proposed. He was supposed to be saving money for the e-ring and had told me he hadn''t saved very much yet, but was buying lots of ''toys'' (video games, psp, etc) for himself. Naturally I was extremely upset! I too felt that our engagement and therefore I was less important to him than a video game.

Well, turns out my always honest beloved was, in fact, lying through his teeth! He''d already finished saving up money for a ring and had a specific timeline! I don''t know why but having it be a surprise seems to be extremely important to most men. Many view proposing to be as important as we view the wedding, and need to do it their way.

When it comes to getting engaged, you have to trust your man... and not believe a word out his mouth!

Don''t worry!

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 10/7/2007 4:49:17 PM
Author: IndieJones
Well, I didn''t read through the whole thread, but I had a sudden flash back to about four-five months before DH proposed. He was supposed to be saving money for the e-ring and had told me he hadn''t saved very much yet, but was buying lots of ''toys'' (video games, psp, etc) for himself. Naturally I was extremely upset! I too felt that our engagement and therefore I was less important to him than a video game.

Well, turns out my always honest beloved was, in fact, lying through his teeth! He''d already finished saving up money for a ring and had a specific timeline! I don''t know why but having it be a surprise seems to be extremely important to most men. Many view proposing to be as important as we view the wedding, and need to do it their way.

When it comes to getting engaged, you have to trust your man... and not believe a word out his mouth!

Don''t worry!

LoL! I love it! hehe.

Guys CAN be tricky! Perhaps BF IS trying to pull a fast one on me! Hmm... now you got me wondering!

UPDATE: We talked last night. Pretty much I told him how I thought he shouldn''t be spending so much money when we''re trying to save and he said he understood where I was coming from and that the video card was his last purchase for a while. I brought up getting engaged and the ring and all that (asked if he wanted me to keep my promise ring for an engagement ring) and he told me not to worry about any of it because he has it all covered (whatever that means) and that he intends to get me another ring and not use my promise ring.

So although I didn''t get too much information on the when/how or anything, I feel better now.

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement! I TRULY appreciate it!

 

[mirre]

After reading through all the posts on this thread I have to wonder...

It seems fairly common for guys to be buying big items AFTER already having the ring or having saved for the ring. Maybe it''s almost like an natural trait for a guy to think "Ok I have the ring (or a way to get the ring) now it''s time to throw her off my trail and buy ME some things." I could be way off base... but you never know.