Vent

[bubbly1126]

It''s taken all I have in me tonight not to burst out crying.

Engagement was brought up tonight and this is how it went:

BF: I had a dream I got that motorcycle as a Christmas gift from my grandparents.
Me: (joking) don''t get your hopes up babe because I don''t think you''ll be getting that.
BF: I know. But it''s my dream and who knows, right?
Me: True. But I know I won''t be getting my dream.
BF: Yes, you will. But not this year. Wait. What? What are you talking about? (trying to play it off as if he didn''t know for sure that''s what I was talking about)
Me: Way to shoot down my dream, babe.
BF: You know my stipulations on that. We''re far from it.
Me: (Didn''t say anything else. Trying not to cry.)

Back story: The motorcycle is his great uncles. It''s a 2003 Harley Davidson and has been sitting in his garage for about 3 years. His grandfather asked him if he wanted it if he could get his brother (the great uncle) to sell it. (He''s got severe dementia and the 20+ thousand dollar bike is just sitting there, rotting away.) However, great uncle still refuses to sell. But my BF is set on getting that bike. It definitely would be his dream to get it.

Anyway, so now I''m extremely upset. I know he''s got his reasons for waiting on getting engaged but again, the main reason is because he wants everything to be ''perfect.'' Sorry babe. It''s never EVER going to be perfect. I''d rather he just say he doesn''t want to get married at all than just keep saying he wants things perfect. It''s never going to happen so why am I waiting? And why he has it in his head that getting engaged means you have to immediately start planning a wedding, I''ll never know. I''ve expressed to him over and over that that is not my intention. So is he just creating all these ''reasons'' in his head because it''s truly not want he wants or does he truly just want things to be as close to perfect as possible?

I don''t know. I''m just upset and I just seem to be losing hope. Ugh.

 

[mimzy]

i think i had that same conversation with my SO a hundred million times. each time he'd say something vague about it not being a good time yet or that we were "far from it". It was always something to do with money or school or a job or something that wasn't a valid excuse and that i know would not actually deter us from getting married. it was INCREDIBLY frustrating. I felt like the whole thing (and myself) were being blown off and like he wasn't thinking seriously about it at all. in retrospect i think it was his default response to me whenever he didn't want to actually talk about it.

don't lose hope. eventually he'll be 100% ready and want to do it and none of those "stipulations" will matter then. but until he's ready he's got those to fall back on as an excuse. if it is bothering you that much, i would sit him down and hash out all of his 'stipulations'. dig a little deeper and see what he says.

i.e.:
you: why don't we get engaged this year?
him: because it's not a good time
you: what's the biggest obstacle you see?
him: um, we don't have the money right now
you: *whips out excel sheet* but we do! take a look at this budget i created. what do you think?
him: still babe....
you: well what exactly about it concerns you? let me know specifically so that we can talk about it.
him: ????

it seems like a lot of guys use that blanket excuse of having "stipulations" and waiting for the "right time" and it seems when it comes down to it they just aren't feeling ready. and it might be because of the 'stipulations' themselves or (more likely) it might be due to their immaturity. either way, they have their reasons and it is best to not only respect them, but try to get them to understand why it is important for them to help you understand their reasons for waiting. don't nag, but don't accept "it's not a good time" as a reason!

 

[misysu2]

I also had the same kind of situation. I dated my FI for 6 years before he proposed, and all 6 years he kept saying "I don''t want to get married while I''m in school..." but he was in college and then med school, so I knew he meant it wasn''t going to happen for a LONG time. He kept saying he wanted to be responsible about it, to have a job and money to pay for a wedding I''d want, etc... (don''t even get me started on the "i can''t afford a ring").

We are engaged now and the other day I was joking with him about how long we dated and he said something about him not being ready to get married the whole time we were dating, so he sold himself out and must''ve forgotten his old excuses.

I guess my take away message for you: don''t take it personally. He''s probably SO super happy with you. It''s just a guy thing that they need to get over, and every guy does it on his own timeline. Trust me, you don''t want to marry him with him feeling pushed or rushed into it.

 

[Deelight]

Quite frankly nothing is ever going to be "perfect" but one time will be a better time then another apart from the specific objection to not wanting to plan a wedding immediately is there anything else that is a major concern for him and are these concerns resolvable? Possibly you guys need to sit down and have a serious chat one where there is no blame or pressure involved but one that identifies what you are both after in terms of your goals and how you can go together to achieve them. I am not saying that would 100% work but it allows you both to see what path you are currently on and what path you both want to be in say the next 5 years

and if your timelines match or are close, you know at the very least what to expect and the lines of communication are clear. Wanting something is one thing getting it is another

this may help you both get what you want.

There is also he may not feel ready and he just can''t bring himself to tell you but that does not mean he does not truly love you (actually more so he probably loves and cherishes you and the thought of hurting your feelings is one of the more horrible things he can think of and does not want to). Without a doubt it is frustrating as hell and so are the fights and hurt feelings. I thought I was ready for many many years but I was not and neither was he we both love each other and always have, knew we would always be together so when we do get engaged it will be the most magical wonderful experience for the both of us. For us waiting meant also we have been able to secure our finances some and get ahead as well which is something that means a lot for both of us.

Definitely have a talk to him and make sure to stipulate that you want to have a discussion about both of your feelings rather then blame or persecute.

GL hun and finally men do not think like women and neither do we think like men which what usually causes the heartache.

 

[bubbly1126]

He says he wants us to pretty much have it all together. i.e. finances, a nice home, great jobs. It's not that I don't agree that it would be in our best interest to have those things but rather that all of those things take time, sometimes years upon years to secure. You work up to them. Not every couple has the best paying job or the nicest home before getting engaged. I just feel like he's setting the bar way high when it really doesn't need to be. Especially when I just want to be engaged. I want the next step. I would not automatically start planning the wedding as soon as that ring hits my finger. A 1-2 year long engagement would be ideal. And he knows this. So why can't he see it my way at all?

ETA: I also remembered from the convo yesterday him saying that the money issue has gotten better since we both have gotten better jobs but that there are many other things we need to factor in. He says "it's all these little steps and we're still at the bottom and very far from it."

We've had the marriage talk and our timelines seem to coincide in the long run. i.e. we would both like to be married within the next 5 years.

One major thing that bugs me is that he wanted to buy a new motorcycle (if he doesn't get his great uncles). Why is it that he can make such a big investment on a bike that he doesn't even need (his is only a year old and is perfect for us) and yet won't spend 2k (tops) on a ring. [[I don't need anything fancy at all. It's more about the symbol than the ring for me.]] It's like he can make all these other investments and yet not this one.

I'm really done trying to make sense of it all because no matter what I'm never going to understand how the male mind works. And I know he's not going to change his mind on where he wants us to be in our lives when we do get engaged because he is just that stubborn. So I guess I need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm not mentioning engagement/marriage anymore. Any talk of it will soley be of his own free will.

 

[decodelighted]

Though "the male mind" *is* different ... there are plenty of men who embrace engagement without a big ol'' fuss. They do it because they''ve DECIDED it''s what they want. I''m afraid your guy just hasn''t DECIDED yet. And he''s made it okay NOT to decide because he''s put all these idealistic circumstances/hurdles in the way. And then isn''t even working towards them ... or actively dreaming of them (as you are) ... he''s dreaming of extra motorcycles -- not a down payment for a house.

But I have to say ... this really bothers me:

Date: 11/21/2007 6:28:44 AM
Author: bubbly1126
I know he''s not going to change his mind on where he wants us to be in our lives when we do get engaged because he is just that stubborn. So I guess I need to just suck it up and deal with it.

Do you WANT to be married to someone that stubborn? Someone who refuses to meet you halfway ... someone who is more loyal to his own vision of things than creating a shared vision? Engagement is just one teensy step in a life together ... a life FULL of compromises and sacrifice and putting the other person''s needs FIRST. Is he even capable of that? Can you know that he is if he refuses to demonstrate it in reality?

It''s so easy to see people as who we WANT them to be ... what we WISH they would become ... or how we BELIEVE they can be ... it''s HARD to see them how they actually are. Especially the imperfect people we love.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/21/2007 6:28:44 AM
Author: bubbly1126

One major thing that bugs me is that he wanted to buy a new motorcycle (if he doesn''t get his great uncles). Why is it that he can make such a big investment on a bike that he doesn''t even need (his is only a year old and is perfect for us) and yet won''t spend 2k (tops) on a ring. [[I don''t need anything fancy at all. It''s more about the symbol than the ring for me.]] It''s like he can make all these other investments and yet not this one.

I have to agree with pretty well everything Deco has said he has made it okay to delay. And I agree with the fact plenty of men don''t have issues with the engagement thing my comment about the men''s mind being different more had to do with the fact of the way we understand one another or (lack of) and what we expect and not just in issues of commitment.


That bike thing would bug me to no apparent end

if he is mentioning finances as one of the issues then why is he buying a bike especially if it is not needed, fair enough if he did need one. I also don''t think you should suck it up either you are just as an important part of that relationship as he is and therefore you opinion is just as valid as is what you want, why should his want for a new bike outweigh what you want?

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/21/2007 7:17:50 AM
Author: decodelighted

It''s so easy to see people as who we WANT them to be ... what we WISH they would become ... or how we BELIEVE they can be ... it''s HARD to see them how they actually are. Especially the imperfect people we love.

Ain''t that the truth.

 

[Delster]

Agreed with everything deco said. And with misysu2. I''m not sure that money or jobs or a house or anything else is the issue. I think he just doesn''t feel ready to get engaged yet and these are the excuses he''s latching on to. Did he really use the words "my stipulations"? To be honest, that would have irked me no end.

I wonder are you two really communicating on this? Have you sat him down and asked him straight out WHEN he IS going to be ready? And not let him dodge the bullet? I mean, did that conversation really just end like that? Surely something else came after? Or did you just accept his ''stipulations''? Just look at what you wrote here, this is why I''m not sure if you''ve put your wishes clearly across and gotten a clear answer back:

Date: 11/21/2007 6:28:44 AM
Author: bubbly1126
Especially when I just want to be engaged. I want the next step. I would not automatically start planning the wedding as soon as that ring hits my finger. A 1-2 year long engagement would be ideal. And he knows this. So why can''t he see it my way at all?

We''ve had the marriage talk and our timelines seem to coincide in the long run. i.e. we would both like to be married within the next 5 years.

A one to two year engagement from now would mean you would be married in, well, one to two years from now, right? Yet when you had the marriage talk you agreed on five years from now? So based on your marriage talk he could wait four years before proposing and you''d still have a year long engagement.

Maybe your BF really does think he needs those four years to get all his ducks in a row (whether those are financial ducks or emotional ducks). You need to ASK HIM what his timeline is and figure out if you''re happy with that. At the moment he might be thinking that you''re happy with waiting another four years. Are you happy to wait four years as you are, knowing you''ll be married in five? Or do you want to be engaged for four years and married in five? Or do you want to be engaged ASAP and married in one/two years? You need to work out what your bottom line is and then ASK HIM about his.

You need to ASK HIM. Go have that talk, we''re rooting for you here.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/21/2007 8:34:25 AM
Author: Delster
Agreed with everything deco said. And with misysu2. I''m not sure that money or jobs or a house or anything else is the issue. I think he just doesn''t feel ready to get engaged yet and these are the excuses he''s latching on to. Did he really use the words ''my stipulations''? To be honest, that would have irked me no end.


I wonder are you two really communicating on this? Have you sat him down and asked him straight out WHEN he IS going to be ready? And not let him dodge the bullet? I mean, did that conversation really just end like that? Surely something else came after? Or did you just accept his ''stipulations''? Just look at what you wrote here, this is why I''m not sure if you''ve put your wishes clearly across and gotten a clear answer back:

Date: 11/21/2007 6:28:44 AM

Author: bubbly1126

Especially when I just want to be engaged. I want the next step. I would not automatically start planning the wedding as soon as that ring hits my finger. A 1-2 year long engagement would be ideal. And he knows this. So why can''t he see it my way at all?


We''ve had the marriage talk and our timelines seem to coincide in the long run. i.e. we would both like to be married within the next 5 years.

A one to two year engagement from now would mean you would be married in, well, one to two years from now, right? Yet when you had the marriage talk you agreed on five years from now? So based on your marriage talk he could wait four years before proposing and you''d still have a year long engagement.


Maybe your BF really does think he needs those four years to get all his ducks in a row (whether those are financial ducks or emotional ducks). You need to ASK HIM what his timeline is and figure out if you''re happy with that. At the moment he might be thinking that you''re happy with waiting another four years. Are you happy to wait four years as you are, knowing you''ll be married in five? Or do you want to be engaged for four years and married in five? Or do you want to be engaged ASAP and married in one/two years? You need to work out what your bottom line is and then ASK HIM about his.


You need to ASK HIM. Go have that talk, we''re rooting for you here.

ditto all of this! To me, it definitely sounds as if he''s just not ready.There''s no harm in that-D wasn''t ready for years, however I only wanted to get engaged in the last year and a bit. Are you happy to wait for him? D couldn''t give me a proper reason as to why he wasn''t ready either, but he just knew that he wasn''t, but as soon as he was ready, he was planning the proposal that he wanted to do.

 

[smileyblonde]

Oh, Bubbly.....I soooo feel for you. I was in shoes very similar to yours once. Its definitely not any fun. We were probably younger than you two. We had been together 3 years and I just wanted an engagement. I knew I wouldn''t get married for another 3 or 4 yrs or so. We had talked about it. He made excuses that I was too young or I still had to finish school or $ or his career...

Jump ahead another 2 years...I had wanted us to go on a trip out of state to my favorite state (TN). He promised me we would...he even told me, "we''ll go this spring....oh, I''m sorry....this summer...Christmas...next spring....blah blah." He postponed that 1 trip for 3 years. His excuse was always money. Then, all of the sudden, 1 yr he went on a trip with a buddy and spent far more money than he ever did with me. He also bought a new toy that year (a gun-he was a hunter). By this time, we were together 5 or 6 years. He told me he bought the gun to "prove a point," to me...that I shouldn''t tell him what to do with his money. I''m not saying your guy is quite this bad.

Anyways...I finally "broke up" with him after 6.5 years. Then, he fought it so it really took about another yr. Then, we eventually tried things again. After 10 yrs, I said, "why don''t you just ask me to marry you?" He still had lots of excuses but he convinced me to move in with him, "while we worked toward marriage."

He cheated on me within 3 wks of uprooting my life, giving up career contacts, etc.

In the end, we didn''t get married. I ended up depressed for a few months. After awhile, I somehow met my (now) husband. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I didn''t marry the other guy. Its much nicer to have someone who values ME and my thoughts...along with OUR goals and our life. He puts me first sometimes and I put him first sometimes. If I talk to him about a financial issue (gifts or trips or whatever) I am respected and not simply a bother. I never knew how devalued I was by the other guy or how muh of a catch I really was for him

I am truly not trying to upset you with this post. Please just be careful and do what is best for you. You deserve to be valued, considered, and included in all decisions made in your relationship. Take whatever you need from this.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

Hi Bubbly!


Why is it that he can make such a big investment on a bike that he doesn''t even need (his is only a year old and is perfect for us) and yet won''t spend 2k (tops) on a ring.

From what you say it just seems like hes not ready yet. He doesn''t seem to be looking that far into the future. He is not saying it is not going to happen, he is just saying not until we are financially there. If you want to get married in the next 5 years with a 1-2 year engagement then you still have a couple years. Although there is never a *perfect* time to get married, it is important you are *both* financially and emotionally ready, otherwise this will be an added stress to your relationship.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Oh Bubbly. *Sigh* I do know how you feel.

Look at where I am. We talk about it here and there and he seems to think that making light of the situation is somehow going to make things easier. Now, he’ll be getting sat down for a “tell me what the heck is going on here or I have to leave you” talk. Do you really want to risk getting to the breaking point like that? Do you really want to shelf your feelings so that you can just grow increasingly frustrated and have to make a dire decision?

You know what I am going to say next: talk to him. However, before you do, may I suggest creating a list of reasons you will accept for the delay and ones you think are ridiculous. By doing this, you are creating your personal limitations which may come in handy in the future. I think it’s good to have an internal deadline for yourself. Excuses wear thin quickly especially if one excuse: I do not have the money ends up looking like a contradiction: but I just bought a new bike for myself. These are the situations that can destroy your relationship.

Personally, I value honesty over whether or not the answer is going to make me happy. I would rather know that my SO isn’t ready or sure than be spoon fed reasons which don’t add up in my head. It’s certainly difficult to hear that someone you are so sure of may not be sure of you and it’s incredibly scary but I think it’s the only way. If he’s honest with you and tells you he just isn’t ready then it’s up to you to decide if you want to continue to wait. Eliminating doubt and facing the truth is probably the best route to take in all aspects of life, not just in relationships.

The thing is you can’t wait around forever. I have and it’s gotten me nowhere with my relationship. We worked on our careers, we bought our new car and truck, we bought a house…we’re reached all those goals that take enormous amounts of time and dedication and still, no ring. Now there is a very good chance I may be packing my bags into my car, leaving my beautiful house behind and starting over again. In the end all those goals we worked so hard to get to may become nothing. Your goals are just as important as his and they should also be goals that are worked on and incorporated into your future plans. Oh how I wish I had included an engagement clause in our co-habitation agreement

If the 4-5 year window timeframe you mentioned earlier isn’t what you really want, sit down and talk with your man about it. Make sure you know what you want and where you want to go and try to figure out if the two of you can compromise. No matter what, don’t just stop talking about engagement if it is something you really want. Don’t give up on your dreams just because your SO is being uncooperative, that’s the worst thing you could ever do to yourself.

 

[tberube]

Date: 11/21/2007 7:17:50 AM
Author: decodelighted


Do you WANT to be married to someone that stubborn? Someone who refuses to meet you halfway ... someone who is more loyal to his own vision of things than creating a shared vision? Engagement is just one teensy step in a life together ... a life FULL of compromises and sacrifice and putting the other person''s needs FIRST. Is he even capable of that? Can you know that he is if he refuses to demonstrate it in reality?

I think that''s the rub. That''s the thing you need to decide. I waited for my ex for seven years and after promising me we''d start looking at rings soon as his credit cards were paid off...he paid off the cards then bought himself a Saab. Then he promised me he was going to save for a ring as soon as we bought a house. We bought the house and he immediately started talking about a $2,000 flat screen television that he wanted to save for.

That was when I said "that''s it." I was done. He wasn''t just "not ready" to get engaged. He just didn''t want to do it, and his excuses were growing thinner and thinner.

BUT...
That''s the only real red flag when it comes to this subject. Men just generally take longer to figure out they want to be married, and they generally have less pressure from the outside world. Even the man I am engaged to now is 33, has a good job, etc., and it still took him over three years to propose. Don''t be so quick to give up on him, especially if you''re young, but do try to get a hold of what his reasonings are, so you''ll know where you stand.

I don''t know if that helped, but thanks for reading anyway.

 

[bubbly1126]

I truly thank every one of you ladies for your reply.

To answer a couple of you, we have sat down and talked about engagement/marriage/children and this is what I came out of that talk knowing:

-we will be engaged 1-2 years before a wedding.
-a house/condo will most likely be bought before we get married (at this rate, engaged, too)
-we want to start having children 5 years from now.
-with the above being said, we agreed to be married at least 2 years before having children.

The motorcycle thing bothers me to no end... however, he had planned to buy a new one a month ago. He actually found one he really loved, took me to look at it with him and he was just so in love with it, but he really wouldn''t make a decision because he knew it wasn''t something we could comfortably buy right now. Another thing factored in was that I was needing a better car because mine wasn''t running great and he used the money he was going to use for the bike, towards a newer car for me. So I do have to give him credit for that. I didn''t ask for the car at all. He did it on his own.

BUT, he still talks about getting a bike. I don''t know for sure if he''s really considering it or it''s just talk and he won''t really do it. (I truly feel that he is just a compulsive buyer. haha. he goes out and buys things on a whim all the time.)

By me saying he''s stubborn... hmm, maybe I used the wrong term? Hard headed maybe? I''m not sure. He does a lot for me and I''ll never take that away from him but hmm, I guess he just thinks the way he wants to think, ya know? Someone can try to tell him otherwise and he just won''t listen. He''s one of those people that just learns by figuring it out himself. I''m not sure how to really explain it. I love that about him in some instances but not this one, because I feel as though I''m being left out of a part of our life together that really should include me.

I guess what makes me really not want to sit him down and say this is what I want and by this time is the fact that we are young yet. (23) To most people he shouldn''t even be thinking marriage yet. But he is and so am I. He brings up marriage without any prodding from me many times and I have no doubt he wants to marry me but it''s just a matter of when. I don''t want to give an ultimatum and have it blow up in my face. It''s kind of a no win situation... unless I just back off and give it time.

Oh, and he''s set on us buying a house within the next year. While I would love it, I am afraid that if we buy a house together before we get engaged that it will just prolong my wait even more. And again, WHY do we need a house before getting engaged? Why is this one of his ''stipulations'' before getting engaged?!?!

 

[Aloros]

I don''t think you necessarily have to give him an ultimatum, but it''s ok to have boundaries. If you don''t want to buy a house before getting engaged, then don''t! A mortgage together is a huge committment. If he can''t committ to you, why would you want to committ to a mortgage? Unless you''re paying cash up-front, that''s generally 15-30 years!

It''s ok to have a line drawn somewhere. I won''t buy a place with my SO until I have a ring on my finger. It''s not unreasonable! If, for some reason, he decided we had to have a house before we got engaged, I''d walk.

Does he really say you have to have a house before getting engaged, or is that just something that he wants? I just want to caution you not to lose sight of YOUR needs and YOUR wants - and he can''t know what these are unless you do sit down and tell him.

 

[tberube]

Aloros is right. He doesn''t always have to win in the "but this first" category.

 

[MoonWater]

I think that men in generally are always hard headed. It took me YEARS to get my FF to listen to me. And I mean, he just started a few months ago lol. Sometimes people need to learn on their own what is right/wrong for them and it''s frustrating to have another person tell them what they should or shouldn''t do. It sucks even more when you are right about it. They hate when you''re right. But eventually they''ll realize that you are only looking out for their best interest in the long run and they''ll go with the flow....or not. But it seems to me, from what I''ve witness of long term relationships (married or not), the guy tends to go along with the woman. But I think it takes a while to get them to that point.

You guys are young and at that age I can see why a guy would be more excited about a bike or car than an engagement ring. He probably flat out doesn''t understand. He likely thinks he''s obvioiusly committing to you because he got you the car or the fact that you are buying a house/condo. Maybe you just need to explain to him how important it is to you.

 

[decodelighted]

Do not, under any circumstances, buy a house without being engaged. That''s YOUR stipulation. Geez. You can have them too!

I''ve had too many friends go through the whole "property dividing DIVORCE-esque stuff" without ever even being engaged! It''s OUTRAGEOUS!

Why do men think they can play house & get all the benefits of being hitched without a committment? Because we women let them. ARGH!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 11/21/2007 11:23:55 AM
Author: bubbly1126

Oh, and he''s set on us buying a house within the next year. While I would love it, I am afraid that if we buy a house together before we get engaged that it will just prolong my wait even more. And again, WHY do we need a house before getting engaged? Why is this one of his ''stipulations'' before getting engaged?!?!

I would never tell someone NOT to do something; that''s why we have free-will but think long and hard before doing this. A house means debt and less free money (which could further delay your engagement). I know a lot of people think that because you buy a house together it''s a good indicator that he''s serious about you and you will get engaged but let me tell you from personal experience: having a house together changes your budget in ways you could never imagine.

I regret not demanding a ring before we bought our house almost every single day. That''s a difficult regret to live with.

 

[aljdewey]

Honestly.....if he can have his stipulations, then I think you''re entitled to a few of your own.

One of them should be "I won''t buy a place with you if we are not engaged with a set wedding date." If he wants to have a condo/house before engagement, then he can buy it himself. You can contribute half of the mortgage as rent if you wish, but don''t put the place in your name (assume legal responsibility with him) until he''s willing to make a permanent commitment to you.

Looking at your timeline, you want to have have kids in five years, and you want to have been married for two years first. That puts a wedding happening three years from now, and if you want a 1-2 year engagement, then you''ll likely be getting engaged in the next year or two.

Last comment: You''re only 23 years old. It''s not unreasonable that he''s not ready yet.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/21/2007 11:47:43 AM
Author: decodelighted
Do not, under any circumstances, buy a house without being engaged. That''s YOUR stipulation. Geez. You can have them too!

I''ve had too many friends go through the whole ''property dividing DIVORCE-esque stuff'' without ever even being engaged! It''s OUTRAGEOUS!

Why do men think they can play house & get all the benefits of being hitched without a committment? Because we women let them. ARGH!

For some women, this turns out to be fine, but I for one agree with Deco.

Don''t do it. TGuy and I bought two big things together before we got married....a HDTV and a fridge. I was in cold sweats over both of them. I''ve seen friends in Australia (where de facto relationships are common) go through this kind of split and it ain''t pretty.

And Deco...I gotta say, you sound a bit old fashioned there....

 

[KimberlyH]

I just scrolled through some of your past posts and came across the following: your boyfriend is miserable at his job and considering joining the military. It sounds to me like he''s pretty unsure about the direction he is headed professionally, which is very normal for a 23 year old, and could have some impact on his not being ready.

TALK TO HIM! You''re going to have to communicate and compromise with this man for the rest of your life, if you get married, it''s best to start having the hard discussions sooner rather than later.

And you, too, have the right to set boundaries; if you don''t want to purchase a home until you''re engaged there is nothing wrong with that, but you need to tell him how you feel.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 11/21/2007 12:30:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I just scrolled through some of your past posts and came across the following: your boyfriend is miserable at his job and considering joining the military. It sounds to me like he''s pretty unsure about the direction he is headed professionally, which is very normal for a 23 year old, and could have some impact on his not being ready.

TALK TO HIM! You''re going to have to communicate and compromise with this man for the rest of your life, if you get married, it''s best to start having the hard discussions sooner rather than later.

And you, too, have the right to set boundaries; if you don''t want to purchase a home until you''re engaged there is nothing wrong with that, but you need to tell him how you feel.

Since that post BF has gotten appointed to a new post in his job and is now very happy. He has also decided against the military as it is a very big commitment and doesn''t want to risk being sent to war. He is much happier these days in all aspects.

But yes, to answer all of you, I am going to talk to him and I am going to make my own stipulation that we at least be engaged before we buy a house. Or as aljdewey said, if he''s set on buying one beforehand, have him buy it himself and not put my name on it until we are engaged.

As a friend of mine said, I need to stop being so nice and ''grow a pair.'' haha! I have to agree with her on this. I am way too nice, in all aspects of my life, and in turn just get walked all over and it needs to stop. Now.

 

[misysu2]

IMHO, it sounds like he undoubtedly cares for and loves you. He''s just not ready yet. Don''t try to define your relationship as being engaged or not engaged-- think about it as a whole experience, otherwise he''s going to feel pressured and you could hurt the relationship.