Wait longer for more expensive e-ring?

[JenStone]

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I attended my cousin''s wedding and while quietly discussing the details of the photographer, food, etc, he kept saying, "When we get married, I want to...." My heart kept fluttering at hearing "when" as opposed to "if". It''s only one word but it makes such a big difference!

Anyway, the real reason for this post is because he admitted to me two weeks ago that the only thing holding him back from proposing to me right now is saving up for the ring. He told me that he wants to buy me a ring that makes everyone stare in awe. I don''t know if it''s the guy ego thing, but most of our friends are pretty well off and so have received/given pretty expensive rings. In addition, my mother''s ring is a gorgeous 1.3 carats RB....and he has mentioned to me in the past that he wants to get me a larger one to "prove" to them that he can provide for me.

(Reading what I just wrote, it sounds like my family and my boyfriend are shallow and materialistic - they''re not. They are all great people, but the fact of the matter is, my parents came to the U.S. with literally no money in their pockets. They now have a successful business and own a home in an upper-middle class neighborhood....a huge accomplishment IMO, and they''ve worked SOOO hard to get where they are today. My boyfriend wants to show them that he can provide for me and that I will not have to work as hard as they did. In addition, we''re a very traditional Asian family. Although our culture does not practice the giving and receiving of dowries anymore, many still consider the e-ring as a "price" that the groom pays for the bride.)

He had told me his target budget 6 months ago and I told him that that was way too expensive. When we discussed it again two weeks ago, he told me that because I wanted to engaged within the year, he had cut that budget by half.

Although I was happy to hear that he wants to propose to me soon, I was also a bit sad at the same time to hear that he had cut his budget so drastically. It''s still a lot of money, but I guess I had set my expectations high after learning what he had originally planned to spend. I also felt very selfish and shallow to even be thinking this.

Would you wait longer for a better ring?

 

[Mara]

i''m not very patient so i would say no.

can you get something with his 1/2 budget and then get him to agree to allow you to upgrade the stone in the future? maybe that could be a compromise.

 

[AmberWaves]

Jen, I don''t think I would wait longer. In fact, because I wanted to be engaged by April, not only did we completely scrap the size of diamond we wanted, but I helped pay for it. I had the time-limit set, and if I wanted it at that time, I had to sacrifice. Which was fine with me. Now I can use the rest of the money for our future wedding! Ask yourself this, do you want to wait and get the bigger stone? Or do you want what you can get NOW, to be engaged now? I asked myself that, and decided I wanted to be engaged NOW.

Good luck!

 

[sumbride]

You have the rest of your life to upgrade your ring... and by not going into debt for the ring right now, he''s showing he''ll be a better "provider" ... but the "rest of your life" will start sooner if he gets you something now!

I''m completely impatient... I wouldn''t want to wait for it. My mom has changed her ring 5 times in 42 years, and she''s still on the same husband.

 

[froufrou]

What if you got a really nice cubic zirconia instead in a quality setting that was the exact size you wanted, and then a couple years later switched it out for a diamond? They have these ones now that are coated with diamond which are called Asha and are about $200 a carat which many people swear look like real...then you could get engaged and get the nicer ring later on, and nobody would know...

because it reallly doesnt make sense to me to wait to declare your committment for each other just because the thousands arent there for a big rock. Its what I would probably do because my family would probably expect my boyfriend to get me a huge diamond to "show" his love for me, and I personally dont believe a ring costing thousands "shows" a whole lot.

 

[Angela1977]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:43:23 PM
Author: froufrou
because it reallly doesnt make sense to me to wait to declare your committment for each other just because the thousands arent there for a big rock. Its what I would probably do because my family would probably expect my boyfriend to get me a huge diamond to ''show'' his love for me, and I personally dont believe a ring costing thousands ''shows'' a whole lot.

BINGO!!!
Oh, and welcome FrouFrou...I was just reading your other post about your dilemna...I''m trying to think of something thoughtful to say over there. I''m afraid I don''t have any advice, but WELCOME!!!!!

JenStone, I think froufrou really hit the nail on the head here...Unless he''s now going to get you something that''s a little chip of diamond that you''d find disgusting (and reading your post, that''s not the case), then I really think it''s a little materialistic (not ripping on you...just if I heard this question posed to me "about someone else", it''s what I would say) to not want to be engaged because you''re holding out for something more expensive...why not put that extra money toward a home or furniture or debt? Or if you have to put that money toward something sparkly, upgrade the ring...just seems like getting engaged should be the important part...not how much the ring costs or how big it is...the ring is secondary...making a statement that you want to get married is the important part.

 

[Angela1977]

Oh, and just for the record, JenStone...You have my favorite avatar ever. I found that picture, with the caption that is usually with it the other day, and I almost ruined my keyboard spitting coffee all over it.

 

[FireGoddess]

I would probably not want to wait. I would buy a ring from a vendor with a good upgrade policy, and upgrade later on, after the wedding when expenses calmed down some.

 

[jesterjigger]

I wouldn''t wait, and just upgrade later. My bf was so sweet making sure that the jeweler had a good upgrade policy so that I could upgrade it when I decided I wanted a 2 carat ring like what Charlotte had on SATC (we recently watched the whole series, part of my training him for picking out a ring...didn''t want him to pull an Aidan) and I was just like, I want this one, just this one, and will never want to upgrade. Now maybe I will in the future, but I doubt it, so I guess I can''t say never. But I would do it now and upgrade later. Of course, I am also the least patient person in the world...

 

[XChick03]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:20:10 PM
Author: Mara
i''m not very patient so i would say no.


can you get something with his 1/2 budget and then get him to agree to allow you to upgrade the stone in the future? maybe that could be a compromise.

That''s pretty much what we did. Originally, our budget was a lot higher, almost twice what we ended up spending. But all of a sudden, he got transfered to a new location and we had to spend a lot of his/our savings on moving expenses. So, it was either wait another 6 months for a bigger diamond or get engaged right them with something less expensive. I told him I didn''t want to wait and I''d marry him even if he just spend $5 on the ring. But he did promise me that I could upgrade as soon as we could afford it.

 

[froufrou]

thanks for the welcome, angela i am glad to be here.
haha jenstone, i have just realized the rabbit''s got a pancake on its head, that is funny.

my view on this is, you want your fiance to be WILLING to spend money on the ring, not whether or not he has the money. I know that is weird to say because anyone could want to spend what they dont have on something...what i mean is, Jenstone, it is obvious that he is willing to take the time to save up for something nice for you, since that is what he has been trying to do, which is an indicator showing he cares about making you happy etc. so in that case...why wait?? if he had a lot of extra money but bought you an awful-looking cheap ring, that would be different...im sure you could find a ring you like for the price he can afford with all the tips the people above have offered.

 

[Scooba]

I wouldn''t wait, I would take a simulant or a gemstone or something now and have him keep saving, it seems frivalous (word?) to wait making a scared commitment because he can''t afford an expensive enough material posession. I totally know what you mean about cutting the budget, my boyfriend cut mine a little, it was still huge but I had my hopes up even higher kinda, so I ended up with a huge diamond instead of a mega huge diamond

(I know, woe is me) But it''s hard to explain without sounding totally snotty that a very generous budget can be a little dissappointing if it was less that what your originally started with

 

[firebirdgold]

As long as the budget is over 2k (2.5 makes choosing a bit easier though), I wouldn''t want to wait. I''d rather be engaged this spring with a .5 tcw ring than wait until the fall or winter for a .75 carat ring. But then again, I should be taken with a grain of salt, since I actually like smaller more discreet diamonds. I just want enough sparkle and style to be A) pretty and B) leave no one in doubt that I''m engaged.

Doesn''t take too much to do that.
While I have no intention of ever upgrading, I do have my eye on a channel set diamond wedding ring!

 

[Rhapsody]

When we started talking about getting engaged in 2004 we had already decided that the wedding was going to be in 07, after we had bought a house but before I started grad school. In my situation I decided that since getting engaged sooner would not make the wedding sooner I would wait to get the ring I really wanted. We are also opposed to upgrading, so this was going to be the ring I wore as an "engagement ring" forever. Anniversary rings are fair game though

If it would have pushed back other things we were planning, like buying a house or our wedding I would have just gotten engaged with whatever ring was in the budget at that moment. Since it was my choice to not get married until 07 (he thought we should just run off an elope this Jan

) I decided to wait for the ring I really wanted.

 

[JenStone]

Thanks for all your input. I had been leaning more to getting engaged sooner with a less expensive ring, and reading all your comments just solidified my decision.

Angela1977 - thank you! I love this bunny - although I can''t imagine putting pancakes on my pets'' heads (they''d probably eat it), this picture just cracks me up.

Diamonds are Hot! - I understand where you''re coming from....I feel really guilty when reading about all the PS''ers who are perfectly happy with their 1ct rings, when in my circle, that would be considered small. I know it''s about the love and commitment, but it''s hard not to want something a bit bigger when all my friends have 2+ carats. But I do love my boyfriend and I would say yes even if he proposed to me with a piece of twine.

To everyone who suggested a future upgrade as an option, I''m not too sure about that. The thing is, I''m VERY sentimental about my jewelry. The only piece of jewelry I wear is a sterling silver necklace my boyfriend bought me when we first started dating, and I wear that every day (I never take it off, even when showering). Even though I have received several new necklaces from friends and relatives since, prettier and more expensive than that one, I still can''t take this one off.

Again, thanks for all your advice!

 

[icekid]

I personally wouldn''t wait. It was a consideration for my fiance and me as well, since I am in med school right now to the tune of a 40k tuition bill every year. But the truth is I want the marriage a lot more than the bigger diamond. I will never "upgrade" as in taking apart the ring and getting a bigger stone. But there will be bigger diamonds and additional rings

 

[moon river]

Date: 4/17/2006 3:03:06 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I would probably not want to wait. I would buy a ring from a vendor with a good upgrade policy, and upgrade later on, after the wedding when expenses calmed down some.

Ditto!!

 

[jesterjigger]

Maybe you could get something not a diamond and wear it on that finger as a placeholder, then just move it to another spot once you''ve got the "real" one.

 

[allycat0303]

JenStone, I''m from a very traditional asian family too, but for us anyways, a man providing for us WASN''T based on the size of the ring. It was based on owning your own home. My boyfriend had already bought a REALLY nice house, and the whole family always goes on and on about how impressed they are that he was able to do that at such a young age. In contrast, my sister''s boyfriend bought her a nice ring, decent size for here, and he lives in an apartment, and all they say BEHIND his back is "Who does he think he''s fooling???" Everyone says that. I would caution very strongly against spending on a ring and believing it proves he''s "providing for you"

In any case good luck with decision.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 4/17/2006 3:12:13 PM
Author: jesterjigger
I wouldn''t wait, and just upgrade later. My bf was so sweet making sure that the jeweler had a good upgrade policy so that I could upgrade it when I decided I wanted a 2 carat ring like what Charlotte had on SATC (we recently watched the whole series, part of my training him for picking out a ring...didn''t want him to pull an Aidan) and I was just like, I want this one, just this one, and will never want to upgrade. Now maybe I will in the future, but I doubt it, so I guess I can''t say never. But I would do it now and upgrade later. Of course, I am also the least patient person in the world...

that''s got to be a new SATC expression, "Pull an Aiden." Hee!

 

[bex891]

If you are sentimental about your jeweller, I would wait to get the ring you are going to be 100% happy with, especially because you don''t want to upgrade later.

This is going to be a ''one off'' purchase....so perhaps discuss with your boyfriend the kind of ring you are dreaming of.

 

[Angela1977]

I feel the same way about upgrades...I''m not fond of them. (this isn''t a hit on any of you ladies, I promise)
My engagement ring is the ring that represented our relationship when we got engaged! I can always buy other jewelry, and if someday I can afford a huge rock, then I''ll wear it as an anniversary band on the other hand or something. But my engagement ring is special...I could never "trade it in" like it''s a car and I need something better. I''ve got the same man, I want MY ring...very sentimental.

I understand that you want the ring of your dreams, but you''ve got the man of your dreams who wants to propose to you. Why would you put a monetary value on that? If it were only $200...ok, I can understand that it wouldn''t buy something you would like to wear. But this just sounds like you got your hopes up (and you even told him NOT to spend that much!) and now that he''s reduced to budget to make you his fiancee faster, you''re upset???

I''m sorry...save that money, put it toward your home together, put it toward a nice bedroom set, do something else with it. Because if he''s having to save that hard, that means he''s not independently wealthy...there''s nothing wrong with that, but having that extra cushion will help your marriage, instead of having it on your finger. There''s nothing wrong with saving up for a ring, but if he''s got enough to get a nice ring now, why would you NOT want to go ahead and do this?

This whole question is just a head scratcher to me...

 

[sumbride]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 103px">Date: 4/18/2006 11:36:59 AM
Author: Angela1977
I feel the same way about upgrades...I''m not fond of them. (this isn''t a hit on any of you ladies, I promise)
My engagement ring is the ring that represented our relationship when we got engaged! I can always buy other jewelry, and if someday I can afford a huge rock, then I''ll wear it as an anniversary band on the other hand or something. But my engagement ring is special...I could never ''trade it in'' like it''s a car and I need something better. I''ve got the same man, I want MY ring...very sentimental.

I totally respect the people that feel this way, and I did too until I chatted with my mom about it. I don''t honestly expect my BF to "never change" in his lifetime... People adapt and grow, change their hair (or lose it), learn new things, have new experiences, etc... and it honestly does change who they are as a person. I think jewelry should be allowed to "grow" too.

While I expect to spend my life with the same person, I don''t expect him to always "be the same". A ring for me is a sentiment, and as love grows deeper, my diamond can get bigger. Or turn into a sapphire, like my mom''s did when she gave her diamond to my brother for his wife''s engagement ring.

 

[snuga]

I wouldn''t WANT to wait, but I would... IF waiting means you get the ring you really want. This is what I am doing now.. My boyfriend has told me many times that he would have already proposed with an engagement ring, but because I am very specific, I have to wait to get my *dream* ring. That''s fine with me, because I want to love my ring, and would gladly wait an extra few months to get what I want. Just my opinion!

 

[meepcat]

Get what you want.

I''ve realized, after reading numerous posts on here, that those who have the most difficulty waiting, but are enduring the waiting experience are getting what they really want.

If you have to wait longer, then that''s good -- you''ll be able to challenge yourself with patience, and consider the important parts of your relationship.

Like the rest of us PSers who are LIW, you can post your frustration about waiting in a thread we''ll gladly contribute to

 

[froufrou]

kalispera, yes i agree i it is only a couple of months it is fine to wait...how long woudl you wait though? what if it were a year or two? would you still wait??

 

[JenStone]

Again, thank you everyone for your reponses. Last night I wasn''t feeling too well, and today I''m outright sick. So please excuse me if I don''t make much sense.

Although my boyfriend has the money to buy me a nice ring now, he has chosen not to because saving up for a nicer ring would make him happier as well as me. While we are not "rolling in the dough," as some may put it, we are both financially independent....enough so that we can afford luxuries for ourselves. I wouldn''t want a huge rock that weighs down my finger, but I do know that I would like something in the 1.5-2 carat range, because it''s my personal style and my boyfriend agrees.

Angela, you''re right that I did get my hopes up after having the initial budget conversation with my boyfriend. After having had some time to think about it, it was unfair to both of us and I should''ve have done that. I think when my boyfriend said, "I would like to spend $_____ for an engagement ring" my imagination just ran wild with the possibilities of what one can get with that kind of money. I should have just stuck to my original ideal ring.

So I think I''ve made my decision. Getting a nicer ring would be nice, as well as getting a ring that he can afford right now and having him propose today. But a compromise would be more ideal, in my opinion. And since he already knows that I want to get engaged late this year or early next year, he can get me whatever he has saved up at that time.

Now if only I can decide that type of ring I want...

 

[JenStone]

Date: 4/18/2006 3:20:02 PM
Author: froufrou
kalispera, yes i agree i it is only a couple of months it is fine to wait...how long woudl you wait though? what if it were a year or two? would you still wait??

I think the difference woud''ve probably been about half a year to a year. Which doesn''t seem that bad, but I would rather stick to my ideal timeline.

I should''ve mentioned earlier that by saving up for an engagement, he is not only saving for a ring - he is also saving for numerous gifts for my family, an engagement party (in my culture, engagement parties are very important and they can be pretty extravagent), the wedding itself, etc. I''ve started to save for this too, and I can only imagine what I would be going through if I have to get a ring on top of all this!

 

[firebirdgold]

I think the timing of the wedding makes a big difference as well. I would like us (bf and I) to be married no later than 13 months from now. (perferbly less). So there''s a limit to how long I''d like to wait to get engaged. Even without an elaborate wedding, I''d still like to take my time in planning!
When are you guys thinking about getting married?

 

[froufrou]

Jenstone, that is really neat to hear about your culture''s customs. Is it the culture requirement that your boyfriend buy gifts for your whole family when he proposes?