Waiting and arguing in the meantime!

[Springbaby]

Just wondering - do any of you ladies have serious arguments over the stress of waiting??

My boyf and I have been having a few arguments lately. They don''t start out with a discussion about the waiting and the wondering when/if he''s planning on doing it soon. I mean, it can be about the smallest thing and completely unrelated. I think because it''s in the back of my mind though constantly, any little thing is setting me off!

Last night we were talking and started then bickering about dinner (i know, ridiculous), then it ended with me saying something about how I''m sick of waiting for him to start talking and planning for the future...then storming out of course! Dinner fight to future fight....!!!

 

[Dannielle]

We don''t have serious arguements, but we do have serious discussions about it.

Sometimes I get a little emotional, but then I just think to myself- what is argueing going to achieve.. he''ll either take me out straight away, by me a ring and we''re engaged and there will be no suprise, no romance and not how he wants it to be.. or, he will feel really pressured to propose and that isn''t how I want it to be.

I know waiting is hard, but just hold out and when the time comes it will be worth it

 

[FrekeChild]

No....We''ve never fought about anything really. Or argued. But we''re weird.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

No. We never fought about our future. I was always very careful to approach the subject when I was in a calm rational frame of mind (usually after crying/venting either here or to a friend). We had several very serious conversations about how I was feeling vs. how he was feeling but those always lead to understandings and not arguments.

I fear if you continue to act the way you are he will begin to hate discussions about your future. If you are upset about not being sure where your relationship is heading try talking to him about it without storming out. Perhaps if he clues you in on where he is you will feel less anxiety.

 

[sugarjo]

Oh heck yes!!! I find myself straight up cranky. Boys just don''t get it. Not even a little!!!!

 

[TheNextMrsB]

FF and I went through a phase where we fought about our future quite often. I hate to admit that I seriously freaked out a few times. He wasn''t even ready to talk about the future, let alone get engaged, and I was pretty upset for awhile.
I calmed down after I thought things through on my own. I thought about whether or not I could be happy in this relationship without those things, and I decided that for right now, I could. I also decided that if at any time I couldn''t be happy without concrete plans for the future, I would end the relationship.
After I calmed down for awhile, we were able to talk a little bit about our future, and as time goes on, he''s able to talk about things more and more.
Also, I read "His Cold Feet," and although I usually think self-help books are a load of bull, the book actually helped me get a handle on my emotions and think more clearly.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i''ve never had a fight with SO about that
we both are pretty stubborn and i think we both tend to think a lot before we try to start an argument about something to keep things on the calm side

 

[ftrfarklewr]

My ff tries to confuse me as to when it is going to happen, by dropping hints that it might be soon and then also saying something that makes it seem like it''s very far off in the future. We don''t fight about it, but it does make me sensitive sometimes.

 

[Inanna]

Honestly, I''m kinda enjoying the waiting. BUT my SO and I spent quite a while picking out center stones and designing a ring (finished the design about 3 weeks ago)... so I at least know it''s coming sometime in the fairly near future. I have no idea if the ring is finished, if he has it, etc... I find it exciting! Also, I''m not too keen on planning a wedding, so I''d imagine once I am engaged I may start REALLY freaking out (I know, weird!).

As for arguing about waiting... I''m pretty much against it (unless it had been years and years and years of no progress). I''d worry that frequent argument about the future might stir feelings of resentment/pressure about marriage. I''d hate to have any thought in the back of my head that maybe he proposed just to keep me around and make me stop complaining.

 

[IrishEyes08]

No, we don''t really fight about anything. But we have had serious discussions about our future, timelines and each of our expectations. I''d try to refrain from arguing over the stress you''re feeling, instead either vent to someone outside of your relationship or make a point to have a clear, calm discussion with your SO. Like someone said above, getting into arguments is going to make him start to get upset, it''s not going to expedite things and it''s just going to make you more upset.

If you guys are on the same page about getting engaged/married, and you know it''s going to happen eventually try to enjoy this time period, you''re never going to experience anything like it again.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Yes I have to admit we have. Not about the future, because we always talk about getting married and he is really excited too; however, after attending functions together where everyone asks "when are you two going to get married" caused a few fights. Mostly I was just upset about it taking so long (we have been together nearly 7 years , but we were young when we started dating), you see our problem has always been finances - we were students, then we had (and still have) student loans etc... It is really hard when you both want to but are just unable to do it right than and there. Things have calmed down now. Once I found pricescope and saw that a lot of other lovely LIW had the same problem - I felt like I wasn''t alone. It was so liberating, there are posts specifically on what to say when asked about an impending engagement and since then I have come up with so many lines and just shrug it off completely - now people don''t really ask!!! I love pricescope!!!

It is so hard to be a LIW and your feelings will be like a roller coaster - sometimes you are fine with waiting, and sometimes it hurts so much. This forum will seriously help on those days of hurt. Hang in there, it will happen, just be patient!!!

 

[IloveAsschers13]

My boyfriend and I get into arguments all the time... sometimes they have to do with me thinking, oh gosh, is this what he is going to do when we get married? Or if he forgets something I think, oh great he is not serious about us. Sometimes its just because of my mood.

We get into arguments sometimes about the future. Take last night.. I asked him so, when do you want to get married? And he was like ummm maybe when we are 25 or 26 or 27. And here is me thinking, COME ON! that''s a three year time span! So i got a little frustrated and asked him why does he want to wait and his answer was because he didn''t want to think about it... It''s not like I was asking him to get married tomorrow!!

He also feels pressure thinking about getting married (this is what he told me yesterday) because he feels that owning a house and having kids are just the natural next steps. I don''t think some he understands that it''s our lives and no one else can really dictate to us what we are SUPPOSED to be doing.

 

[Nocturnius]

There was only one time my husband and I ever got in an argument over our relationship''s future.

He had already proposed, I had the ring on my finger, and I decided to move in with him.

And all of a sudden, he completely stopped talking about getting married. Before I moved in, he set the date and wanted to be married within the year. After I moved in, a year passed... and we weren''t anywhere close to getting married.

I finally told him I didn''t move in so we wouldn''t get married, and that I wasn''t going to be a "why buy the cow" case. He proposed to me, he promised marriage, and I expected him to fulfill that promise. So he had two choices: marry me, or don''t, and if he didn''t, I was moving out and moving on.

We never fought over when he was going to propose, though.

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 9/18/2008 2:14:54 AM
Author: FrekeChild
No....We''ve never fought about anything really. Or argued. But we''re weird.

Ditto

We don''t fight. I like it We are the cute couple that I always hated and that always made me sick hehehehe

I can see where the rest of you are coming from though.. I think it depends on the guy..
My guy definitely "gets it" and he is equally excited and loves talking about it.
I eagerly await the day I am no longer a ''lady in waiting'' but I absolutely love just being boyfriend and girlfriend and would never want to fast forward a day

I thought waiting would be stressful too, but if I may suggest - try to enjoy it. Enjoy now - as boyfriend and girlfriend and really enjoy it. Because you''ll never have these days back. These free days, with no stress of planning! Live in the moment. Then, when it comes, enjoy being fiances... And enjoy the excitement of planning together and all that And then, eventually enjoy being married.. but for now, all we can do it be thankful that we have found the 1, that we are together, that one day he is going to propose and that we are going to get to be with him forever

What exactly is it that is stressing you out? Or that you are fighting about? It is supposed to be a happy time Every day is a happy day if you''re with the one you love!

Every day you get closer to the rest of your life with him I know you want it to be today, but just remind yourself - in time it will come

And finally - somehow I don''t think fighting about it would help the situation.. You don''t want to force him into anything, nor do you want to make yourself seem like you already suffer Bridezilla-syndrome

Maybe, try and redirect your frustrations and turn them into constructive discussions...

WHAT exactly is bothering you?

WHY is waiting stressing you out?

Is there a deeper cause?

Can you just talk about happy wedding stuff instead? There''s so many elements of planning, you could bring up something random - what he thinks about various aspects of the wedding/honeymoon/marriage to get some of the ''wedding-crazy'' energy out

 

[Springbaby]

Thanks everyone for your input and advice

The last thing I want to do is make him hate talking about our future. I think I have to try and talk to him more about it (not fighting) rather than let it build up and surface at any opportunity it can. The problem at the moment is, a lot of the time I do bring it up it''s usually when we''re have a tiff and it leads to him being confused and me getting really emotional and angry.

I''m just always so scared to have those conversations about timelines etc..because I''m scared that will make him feel under pressure. BUT I guess it''s much worse to bring it up in the heat of the moment when emotions are running wild.

Anyway, on a very positive note - this waiting business isn''t so bad

I got roses last night just becasue!

Thanks ladies! Your advice has helped a lot

 

[bootsiekin]

What seemed to work for me was just really trying hard not to push at all or bring it up too much.

I had been engaged years ago, and we ended up mutually breaking up. My next long term relationship, after about a year, I started bringing it up because I knew I wanted that, and maybe because I was trying to make sure he did too. (I think because I really sensed that he didn''t..) Anyway, that relationship ended too, his reason because he really wasn''t sure he wanted to get married (to anyone). Would that have happened if I hadn''t pushed? I don''t know.

So when I started dating FI, I really made myself shut up about it. I was determined not to push him at all and just enjoy the relationship for what it was. Sure enough like clock work, at the two year mark he proposed. Of course we had talked throughout the relationship about things we wanted in life, we knew we both wanted to get married, etc. but we never talked about us marrying eachother specifically. We only had one very limited discussion about 2 weeks before the proposal when he asked me would I want to wait to marry until I was done with grad school. Even then my heart started thumping and I convinced myself to not freak out! It was very romantic and kind of old fashioned, I guess, because I was completely surprised by his proposal, no idea he had gone ring shopping or that he was ready to get engaged. So thats the best advice I can give!

 

[Sangrona]

This is my first post (because this topic drew me out of the lurking bus!).

FF and I have had several SERIOUS arguments about the waiting period. We have been together about a year and a half and we have lived together for about a year now. He was married before and his daughter lives with us full time and yet we aren''t engaged yet. We talk about it all the time, we talk about where we would get married, he sends me links to romantic honeymoon destinations, heck he even knows who his best man will be! BUT NO RING!

A few months ago was the culmination of all stress factors for us because 5 (that''s FIVE!!!) of our friends all got engaged within a 4 week period of each other. One of them made a comment about how I was the last one standing and I was so upset by the time we got home that I just let him have it. I completely sympathize with the lady above who made the comment of not wanting to be a "why buy the cow" case.

I understand that he has been married before and is a bit gunshy...but I have never been married, and I don''t have children (which I really want and don''t want to have to go through painful IV or artificial treatments) and I am pushing 34!!!!

The worst is that sometimes, his family makes comments about how I am not Jackie''s (his daughter) mother or other "well, you aren''t a part of the family...YET"

types and I get so hurt that I just lash out at him. It is so hurtful that he can lay in our bed at night and make all these wedding dreams dance in my head and then he can''t bring himself to say it openly when other people are around.

I completely sympathize with SpringBaby on this...