waiting until he is financially stable?

[maryring]

Hi ladies! new to the ladies in waiting forum and loving it.

so, i was wondering if some of you may be able to give me some advice as well about my situation.

i''m 23 years old (24 this May) and i have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. he is 25 years old (26 in May too) and he lives about 2.5 hours away from me. he moved 2 yrs ago for business opportunities that he claims to make him more money so that he can have more money for us. he does not want to build our future together where he currently lives and has plans to move back to the city i''m in as soon as possible (whenever that is). i still think it is strange that he did not at least invite me to move with him. he knows that i would like to be married at a young age and have kids before 30 but he keeps saying that we are not engaged yet because he''s not financially ready. he feels like he has to be able to buy a house and be able to provide for me before we get married. i don''t want to wait, i''m perfectly fine with living in an apt or condo but he refuses. I''m confused on whether he is really telling the truth or just giving me excuses. i just don''t understand why if he loves me as much as he claims why he wouldn''t want to get married now. i feel like i''m just waiting around for him. what do yall think i should do?

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hmm... have you talked with him about it? I read a lot of LIW posts and that always seems like good advice

The only other thing I would say is: don''t underestimate the value of money to men. It may seem like just a trivial matter, but most men measure themselves by their financial success, just like a lot of women (not all) measure ourselves by the status or quality of our relationship and for some of us, also our looks. A lot of men feel like there is a set order to life: buy a car, buy a house, have money, get married, then kids. And it can be hard to accept it, but some men don''t see themselves as men until they are free of debt or own a home etc.

My SO is a resident and he''s been watching some of his banker friends make six figures for the past 5 or 6 years, and even he says: I''m not where I''d like to be in life right now. But I mean... he''s a physician, how bad can it be right? Still, his lower salary frustrates him.

Would you have been satisfied if he had asked you to move but not proposed? I think if he wasn''t going to propose, it''s nice that he didn''t ask you to move for him. You gotta give a little to get a little in my opinion.

 

[choro72]

I think your BF is a wise man. I understand your frustration, but he has a very clear goal that he wants to reach before he makes the next step. He wants a career and financial success before he lets anyone permanently in his life. You want to have kids at a young age, but how are you going to achieve that without stability in finance and life? This is going to have a major affect in your children''s health.

I want to have kids before 30 too, but I would rather make sure that we are financially and emotionally ready before we start. Right now, it looks like I won''t be reaching that point in life until I''m after 30.

What I suggest: start getting ready by yourself. I don''t know if you have a career. If not, look for one. If you have one, start planning on your retirement and educational funds.
I also think your BF is showing you great respect by refusing to move in with you. A lot of men agree to this just to shut the women up, and they end up being too comfortable in the situation. He probably still wants to grow as an individual. I''m sorry if this is disappointing to you, but I think you should take this opportunity to get yourself ready for the future.