want some opinions please

[sean_morrison44]

Some backround info:
I met me now fiance via 2 friends back in 2000 by talking on aim. In 2004 we decided we had more feelings and became bf/gf. At the end of May 05 I visited Jennifer for the first time, and everything went better then expected. At the end of Aug she came to visit me, then i went back to live with her.





Between the time I visited and the time I moved, her sister tried to break us up! She literally told me "I''m going to find Jennifer a different guy." A little bit after I moved in, she told me something like "i''m as bright as a dog" or "I look like a dog"-dont remember which, but it made reference to me and a dog. After that point I pretty much cut off comunication between me and her.
To me someone saying she''s going to find her another guy is equivalent to a gf/bf cheating on you -Don''t even want to see the person ever again.

So like 4 weeks ago, Jen was talking to her sis on AIM, and she was startin to ask her to be her maid of honor, I saw it before she hit send and pretty much had a panic attack and told her how I felt . She never did send it.
2 weeks later, Jen kept asking me if i would be ok with her having her sister as maid of honor. She was coming up with reasons why she should be, so it was like i had no choice what to say, so I didnt answer and was changing subject etc.a This continued for 2 more days. The next day, she started trying to bribe me to answer, so I just said ok I''ll take the bribe, and you do what you want.
So then an hour later or so, she emailed her sister asking her to be maid of honor. Ever since then (a week ago) I''ve been more moody, and been filling like a knife has been stabbing my stomache at times because of it. I was telling her how I was feeling, and she felt symphany at times, and saying her sister shouldn''t have said those things, but left it at that.
Last night, I tried to get her to not have her sister as maid of honor. She then got whiny/cryie and was saying she can''t please everyone etc., and that she doenst know how she''ll tell her sister she can''t be after she already asked her.
It''s like we''re rewarding her sister for trying to break us up by giving her the biggest role (Besides us) in the wedding if she stays as maid of honor.

I want some opinions on this please. Am I wrong to want her to be maid of honor?

 

[strmrdr]

build a bridge and get over it

yes your wrong if she wants it that much........

 

[ephemery1]

It seems fairly obvious that your FI really wants her sister as her MOH in your wedding, and you already told her she could ask her. Done deal... that is not really a reversible decision, so you probably need to accept it.

But more importantly.... this person (the sister) is going to be a part of your life from now on... you don''t have the option of "never seeing her again", no matter how you feel about her. Given that fact, I think at this point it is your responsibility to your future wife to bridge things between her sister and yourself. She may have made some comments that hurt you in the past, but it is time to be an adult and forgive and move on.

That doesn''t mean you can''t explain to your fiancee why you feel so hurt... maybe she would even want to talk to her sister about that herself... and for all you know, her sister could be very apologetic about what happened in the past.

Good luck to you!!

 

[lizzyd]

You poor thing!!

I would feel really betrayed too.

However, this IS your fiance''s family, and you have said that you''d agree to it. You can''t take that back.

I wonder why the sister would even want to be Maid of Honor at a wedding she objects to? You might want to ask your fiance this question, and/or her sister.

I would explain to the TWO of them (in the same room) that what the sister has done was very hurtful, that you are willing to take the high road and get over it for everybody''s sake, but that you would appreciate an apology. If none is forthcoming, then you might have to just live with it anyway, but at least your fiance will have an opportunity to see that you tried, and it''s her sister who is being unreasonable.

This is a good opportunity to practice dealing with the family you''re marrying into, because remember, you''re not just marrying your fiance, you''re getting her whole family in the bargain. You may set the future tone with this one interaction with the sister. If you are really gracious then you have nothing to regret and no part in the unpleasantness to be blamed for. I believe we teach other people how to treat us. If we set our boudaries (graciously but firmly, of course) people tend not to over step them again. If you really let it go, she may pull something like this again. anly worse. Who knows. Some people will just keep going until somebody tells them "No."

Once you''re married, it will be natural for your wife to "take your side" in "family disagreements". It just may be a little too soon yet for her to have started to make that transition. The more mature, reasonable and gracious you can be in this situation, the more she''ll love you for it (and the worse her sister will look).

Good luck,
LizzyD

 

[sean_morrison44]

wups.
i forgot to add that her sister has a different mom, but same dad
she''s lives in indiana, and got reconnected with jen in 2000ish i think, and I believe they''ve seen each other twice in person.

 

[sean_morrison44]

as for getting along with her family
me and jen are living in her parents basement. I think that''s about as much of getting along with a family as you can. I get along great with her mom, and pretty good with her dad (he''s a "western" type of person-fishing/hunting, and smokes ..and i''m eastern and dont touch guns or smoke (her mom and her dont either) so it''s impossible to say i get along "great" with him, but he get along well with no problems.

 

[Starset]

but do they have the same hair color?

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/12/2006 2:23:16 PM
Author: sean_morrison44
wups.
i forgot to add that her sister has a different mom, but same dad
she''s lives in indiana, and got reconnected with jen in 2000ish i think, and I believe they''ve seen each other twice in person.

I''m confused... so your fiancee has only ever seen her sister twice in person? But she''s close enough with her that she wants her to be her maid of honor? And close enough that the sister felt entitled to pass judgment on your relationship without ever having met you? Unless she met you on one of the two occasions she met her sister...

This all seems a little bit odd... I don''t really come from a "family drama" kind of background myself, so I might not be the best person to be giving advice here. All I can say is that I think it''s good you''re communicating your feelings to your future wife, and hopefully listening to hers as well. Otherwise, I''m going to bow out gracefully... but I do wish you the best of luck!

 

[bookworm21]

I agree with ephemery. I don''t see why your fiancee would want her sister to be the MOH so badly if they''ve only seen each other twice. I don''t know what the dynamics of their relationship are, but that seems rather....I really don''t know the word for it.

You''re stuck in a tough situation and have gotten some good advice here. But I agree with the majority of people, and that''s if your fiancee wants this so badly, get over it and let her have it. It''s your wedding day, concentrate on the good instead of the bad. Besides, you''re not really required to talk to the MOH anyway, just have your best man pass along messages if necessary.

You''re marrying into this family, and family relations are important. What she did was evil and wrong, but it''s been done, and it''s in the past. Try to move on and be happy with the rest of the family. You don''t have to talk to her or even see her after the wedding. Good luck.

 

[sean_morrison44]

for the family drama.. he had the sis before meeting her mom. ( i dont go asking any more, but pretty sure thats all there is to it). they''ve met in person twice i''m pretty sure..once jen visited and once she visited..
The problem lies in the fact that....a) because of bein in person twice, and shes traveling here..the sis is probably goin to want to spend a lot of time with her-when i dont want to be around sis.
b) i already sacrificed having a wedding in mt instead of ct for her (where i''m from). Now i''m going to have tell all my family/friends that i dont like the maid of honor and have nothing to do with her.
c) i''ll feel like any time i talk to jennifer and sis is around the sis will be waiting for me to screw up etc. So instead of being my usual relaxed/goofy personality i''ll have to be just staying quiet.
d) the maid of honor stands next to the bride at the wedding. i''m not going to be able to say vows etc with her right there next to us.

 

[sean_morrison44]

note: i dont want this to seem like i''m fighting with you guys, i appreciate you listening to me, but its only natural for me to try and defend myself more..so here it is..

also, i know some of you are saying somethin similar to "i said she can so live with it" .
well i told her 2 weeks before that that i DIDNT want her to be. i said "anybody but her".
and then she came back to me telling me how her parents would make sure nothing would happen etc to try and make it better if she was choosen, then asked me if i''m ok with it with puppy eyes-you know those eyes you cant say no to. well since i coudlnt say no to those eyes i just choose to not answer-seein as i made my point across 2 weeks ago.
Then she bribed me to answer the question...so i said "do what you want"
now to break down the phrase "do what you want"..
to me, i thought she would want to do what would be in the best interest of me, seeing as i''m marrying her, and she would realize i was uncomfortable-since i made that point 2 weeks ago, and i hadnt been able to say yes i''m ok with it the last couple days.
I know nobody here knows me, but i''m the type of person who''s overcome extreme shyness, but still can be that way when i''m around people i''m not comfortable with.

Oh just one more side note,
When the sis emailed her back afterwards to accept maid of honor,
she said that earlier she thought that i was a "player"
now then. She''s the only girlfriend i''ve ever had, she''s the only person i''ve ever kissed, etc..
I dispese players, absolutly hate them! and how she could even think that is beyond me.

 

[bookworm21]

I understand that grudges are really difficult to let go of, but I do believe that you should do it for the sake of family peace, especially since this is something your beloved truly wants.

Believe me, I understand how you feel completely; I have an aunt on my mom''s side that I haven''t spoken to in the last ten years. But in the interest of family peace, when my other aunt and mom begged me to just have lunch all together as a family, I agreed. For the sake of family peace. I didn''t talk to her, although I could not avoid seeing her, since she sat across the table from me. This is a ten-year grudge, and I made it clear to my mom that that particular sister is not going to be welcome at my wedding, and my mom agreed. Now, if my mom really, really, really, really wanted her to be there for whatever reason, then would I give in? Yes, because I love my mom, and if it means so much to her, I''ll allow that b**** to be present on the happiest day of my life. She''ll hear the vows and eat the food, but would I have to talk to her? Nope.

Think it over. It''s not worth fighting with your future wife over something (relatively) trivial. It''s just going to be one day that you may have to talk to her, and after that, you can put your foot down and refuse to have anything else to do with her.

 

[sean_morrison44]

yah.
If she was just at the wedding i could handle it.
If she was a bridesmaid I could probably handle it.
But its the maid of honor.
I always thought the maid of honor and best man symbolized the marriage and the unity that takes place. And so it just seems to me that the symbol of our love is now from someone who wanted us broken up. That makes me feel like my love for her/her love for me isnt much.

anyways, i know if any of my guy friends told her she was going to find me a new girl, i wouldn't even slightly consider them to be the best man.
oh well,
guess i gotta live with it

sorry you had/have to deal with that aunt to cinderella

 

[FireGoddess]

Sean, I COMPLETELY understand where you''re coming from here. A MOH and a Best Man are supposed to be the first people in line standing up FOR the marriage. In my mind, these are people who are supposed to be there for the couple, not be someone who tried to break them up. That''s ridiculous.

However, the situation is confounded by the fact that the person who tried to break you guys up was the bride''s sister. Now that''s a bigger problem, because we''re talking a family member, someone who is usually expected to be in the bridal party, and even the MOH.

It is your right and your place to express to your wife how her sister said or did something that hurt you. However, since this person is her sister, you may need to be the bigger person here and just accept that she wants this person next to her at the wedding. That''s okay, as long as she''s aware of what happened in the past and BETTER not let that kind of behavior get by now. At all.

The situation is plain weird to me cuz frankly, I have much better friends than someone I''ve only seen twice to be in my bridal party, but clearly she feels a sense of family with this girl, period. In the grand scheme of things, this will blow over. However, if this sister makes any rude comments to you, you have every right to put her in her place.....which is OUT.

 

[Sparkster]

No doubt when you get married, you want to share this special moment with loved ones who respect this union and want to share in the the joy and happnies of this day.

Your future SIL obviously does not agree to this union so I don''t even understand why she would agree to be in the bridal party. Being the maid of honour is an ''honour'' and if she doesn''t agree to this union then she has no right to take on that honour. If she had any ''honour'' she would refuse this role.

 

[codex57]

You're not someone anyone would want to make a deal with, are you?

Seriously tho, you agreed to it. Yes it sucks and seems like it's rewarding her, so you had your chance to make a stand. By now, it's just going to cause even bigger problems to remove her. Unfortunately, this is not a person you can cut out of your life completely. No you weren't wrong to not want her to be your maid of honor, but you took some bribe and agreed to it. If you really felt that strongly about it, not taking the bribe and insist that she horribly wronged you woulda been your best choice.

You're going to encounter a LOT of unhappy circumstances when planning your wedding. Weddings suck. You really have to grow up and become a lot more realistic and cynical about what a wedding is. Yes, it's supposed to show your love for one another. However, you're going to have to toss a lot of those purely romantic notions aside if you don't have a fairy tale family. It's kinda like the idea of a pre-nup. No it's not romantic, but it's the smart choice for many couples and absolutely stupid if those couples don't get one purely cuz it's "not romantic."

For example, my wife had two friends who totally fit the definition of what a MOH should be. Unfortunately, one lived hundreds of miles away while the other lived in the same general area. Sure she had a much longer history with the farther one, but practically, the closer one was the better choice cuz she was closer and had more experience.

You're now into damage control territory. You're going to have to make your hesitations and distrust about her sister very clear and drop hints constantly. Try and get someone you do approve to be another one of her bridesmaids and try and get your fiance to turn to that one more. Basically, do what you can to make that sister MOH in name only. In the end, remember, she's really just going to be doing stuff with your fiance. You really don't need to have that much interaction with her. Like others said, if you catch her making any more rude comments or whatever, you need to put her in her place IMMEDIATELY. Use that as ammo to remove her as a MOH. It's not like these things are bound by contracts.

Just get through that day.

By the way, how old are you guys?

 

[sean_morrison44]

codex 57.
Your story kinda relates. They chose the closer one, in mine the sister lives in Indiana so she can''t help any until the week of the wedding.

as for bribes..I never did recieve my end of it. I did turn down a couple, and then she went to my weakness, so I said "do what you want"

we are 24 years old.
And i know how weddings suck. We went through that already with finding a place. I lived in Ct my whole life and Ct has the gardens etc for weddings, so I always wanted a Ct wedding. Since I moved to Mt to live with her, it would seem only fair to have a Ct one. But I let her have her way with that (Montana wedding)

also, I think all you people who answered should know, I''m not lettin the situation turn into a fight etc.

On another note/question
if you don''t like someone, would you want your friends becoming friends with that person?