Was this an epiphany? Or have I lost my mind?

[LizzieC]

[Sorry if this is long and rambly!]

So I''m in the very early wedding planning stages, and already going a little batty. I guess I''m an anomaly when it comes to all of this stuff, because even as a kid I never imagined I''d have a "real" wedding... I always thought it would be either my guy and me alone on a tropical beach, or my guy and me with a very small group of friends and family in Vegas, baby! I''m just not big on ceremonies of any kind (i.e. didn''t walk at my college or grad school graduations, and haven''t regretted it at all).

Since I''ve been saying this since I was a kid, I think my family is fairly well prepared for me to "elope" or have a really tiny wedding, and while I know they''d probably rather me have something more traditional, I don''t think they would be completely hurt or upset if I didn''t. HOWEVER, my FI thinks his family would not be so impressed if I we were to do that, and since I love his family and don''t want them to have any bad feelings about the whole thing, from the start I''ve been basically planning a small "real wedding" and it''s been driving me insane. One issue is that our families and friends are pretty well scattered... mine throughout the U.S., and FI''s friends are all over the globe and his family is in Ausi/NZ so they are going to have to travel a really really REALLY long way to get here. The planning (which I began before we were even officially engaged) has been a logistical nightmare.

SO, at the airport with FI yesterday out of nowhere I blurted out... "hey why don''t we have two weddings!" My idea is to have one very small wedding here with some of our N. American friends and family. Maybe in Vegas, but not by Elvis! I''m thinking something outdoors in the Grand Canyon. And one in his hometown, with all his friends and family. Immigration issues will probably mean that the weddings have to be a few months apart, and since we were planning on going to his home for Christmas anyway, this would basically mean getting married here sometime this summer, and having some sort of bigger (but still pretty informal) ceremony there in December.

Is this a better plan? Or will it be twice the work? The way I see it is that there''s not a whole heck of a lot I''ll be able to do for the overseas wedding... he and his family will kinda have to make the arrangments for that one, and that''s fine with me. And this way I can have the super small wedding I want too.

Do you think having two weddings will make them not feel "real"? How could I make the actual ceremonies different enough that they both feel real? Since they''ll be few months apart, could the second one be a vow-renewal ceremony?

This would also be basically moving the first wedding up a year... which sounds kinda crazy, but also sounds really good.

I appreciate any thoughts/opinions!

 

[SoonIHope]

I think that sounds like a great idea!!!

We are doing something a teeny bit similar - having a small wedding just the way I want it (hopefully??) in the mountains in upstate NY at my family''s summer house, and then having a Chinese wedding banquet in New York City for all of my fiance''s extended family. (My family will of course be invited too, but I doubt that many people will be able to make it in addition to the first ceremony.) I did feel weird about it for a while, especially since they will be probably about a month apart, so it doesn''t seem like the banquet is really "part" of the wedding which was our original intention, but I think that in circumstances like ours or yours, it makes more sense just to have separate celebrations because then everyone gets to be involved and have it just the way they want, without anyone having to give up on their image of what the wedding "should" be like.

So I''m all for it!! Good luck!!!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I think it''s a fantastic idea as that''s the way we''re doing it!

We''re doing Vegas at the Bellagio in March, and then Lake Tahoe in August so our extended families can celebrate as well.

 

[flopkins]

Definitely do the small wedding you always wanted. Let FI and his family organize the other party if that''s what''s important to them... and enjoy the ride!

 

[selflove]

Lizzie--I know what you are going through. We went through almost the identical discussion b/c FI is from Slovenia, lived there all his life until 2004 when he moved to the States to be with me. So, like you, one day out of the blue I just blurted out "Why don''t we have a wedding in LA and one in Slovenia?" b/c logistically trying to get all of his family to California wasn''t looking feasible. Well, my idea was get married in the states and then a few months later go to Slovenia and have a second one, kind of like a vow-renewal ceremony as you mentioned. His idea was much different: he wanted the two events to be only a week or two apart, 3-4 weeks maximum. What does your fiance think about the timing?

Another issue we had very recently involved the actual planning of the wedding in Slovenia. He''s doing all of it himself and trying to find a reception venue has been difficult and I can''t do any of it. His mother isn''t really helping, more at the request of FI than her own disinterest. So he showed me this venue and it was really beautiful, but it was 1.5 hours from the church!! So I got down on that idea pretty quickly, it turned into a little argument b/c he actually really wanted that venue, and in the end I just said "Honey, really, whatever you want in Slovenia, that wedding is for you anyway." That''s when our little argument turned into a big fight b/c he felt really hurt by that comment and wanted to make sure I knew that both weddings are for both of us, not for just one and not for our families.

So, in retrospect, I kind of wish I never opened my big mouth! It''s different when you''re planning two weddings in the States, that''s pretty do-able. In a foreign country, it''s just a lot harder, logistically. But it sounds like his family will do all the planning? Just make sure you''re okay with all the details. If you''re not into the big-wedding production and that''s what they start planning, you''ll hopefully have the will to put the brakes on it. And FI will have to back you up. I think if you and he have good communication you can keep it low-key.

Some of my family in the states (in Wisconsin) have decided to go to Slovenia instead of coming to California. We''re doing CA first and I really thought would feel like the "real" wedding but now I''m starting to think that they''re both going to be "real" in their own ways. But what do I do with the wedding band at the second ceremony?? I''m certainly not taking it off! My mom suggested just pushing it up to the knuckle and then husband can push it down all the way.

Will your family/friends travel to the one in Aus/NZ? Have you thought about meeting halfway in Hawaii and having just one?

Also, what are the immigration issues that would cause the weddings to be several months apart? Just wondering if there''s somehting I overlooked, since our''s are just 1 week apart...

 

[Caribou]

I'm like you, I haven't been dreaming of my wedding since I was a little girl, I'm actually still a little shocked that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

I think having two weddings is a good idea. You can have the wedding you've always dreamed of..or not dreamed up. And his family will be happy.

ETA: If you don't like planning weddings I would make it contingent on Fiances and Fiances family planning the 2nd wedding.

 

[ky6]

I am always happy to hear that there are other women out there who didn''t grow up having daydreams of their wedding day. I am bridal stupid as a result of having never given this stuff much thought. So you are definitely not alone there!

As for the two wedding idea, I think that sounds like a great way to solve things. I have no suggestions though on how to keep things fresh or different. But I think if you let his family take the reigns on most of it overseas than it will probably be somewhat fresh to you just because you don''t know everything to expect and the differences in tradition and ceremony.

 

[LizzieC]

Thanks for your comments guys. The more I talk/think about the 2 weddings, the better it sounds.

Selflove- It is definitely a tricky situation! We haven''t talked to FI''s family yet, and I''m hoping they''ll understand that we want to do this so that we can include ALL of them in the celebration. I think the immigration issue depends on the kind of visa your FI has (mine is here on a non-immigrant work visa). My understanding is that after we get married, we have to apply for an adjustment of status, and also apply for a travel document so that he can leave the country while "in process". But I''m not 100% sure. We''re going to talk to an immigration lawyer soon. Since there will be several months between the two. I actually did consider Hawaii... that was my very first idea. But I think it would be too expensive for everyone involved, and since some of my family won''t be able to get away for more than a weekend, I''m trying to keep the travel time down.

So much to think about!

 

[Rhapsody]

I think it''s a great idea. This way neither ceremony gets too big and out of control, but everyone will be involved. It will be hard to do the planning across an ocean, but as long as you''re willing to let go of the control over the details it should work out fine.