wedding (as a guest) vent- what do you brides think

[janinegirly]

Hard to sum my "vent" up in the subject line, but basically I am the invited "guest" and the wedding is BIL's. It is a casual backyard deal. However it is overseas (BIL's family are all in the U.S.). It's also an expensive time of year to fly (tickets run 1200 each). I know it's all for the bride and family, but a few things really irk me with this wedding so far. I figure you brides can let me know if I'm being too critical or how you would do things differently (as a bride).

*zero communication from bride (or BIL) to family on wedding details: ie how things will unfold, how to find the location, things to do,etc.
*general confusion among guests as a result
*no RSVP follow up--ie there is no information on how many or who is attending. This doesn't impact guests of course, but as a recent bride, I'm really amazed at the lack of follow up. There are guests who talk to other guests and all are saying they aren't sure who's coming and no tickets bought. Wedding is less than a month away. Again, this is a significant trip for most guests on the U.S. side, both from stance of time and finances.

Is it just me or is this being handled badly? When I was a bride, I knew the day was supposed to be for me and FI, and it was--but I also was aware that the guests wanted and should enjoy themselves and it all would reflect back on me/my family if I just ignored all of that anyway. So I paid attention to the details from a guest perspective and tried to make it as smooth a process as possible--particularly for those coming from out of town. And mine wasn't even a true "destination" wedding. I just think if there is complete confusion among guests at this late date (with questions and no answers), it's a sign of a poorly planned event. And yes, DH has asked his bro for details (which isn't easy for him since weddings is not a favorite topic among men!) and always met with vague answers. I am surprised the bride to be hasn't reached out to the family more.

 

[LilyKat]

I''m a bit confused about the RSVP follow-up part. Do you mean they aren''t calling everyone who hasn''t replied with an RSVP? If so, how would you know unless you haven''t RSVP''d? Or did you mean they haven''t told guests who else is coming??

I agree it''s annoying not to be told how to find the location - that''s important. Could you get the details from your own research, through online maps or a route planner? That''s what I usually do anyway. You could also search for things to do on the internet. I think maybe as it''s a very casual affair, they aren''t paying the same attention to detail as perhaps you did. Not much else you can do about it unfortunately.

 

[CaliCushion]

I''m confued about the RSVP followup.

I was a very organized bride, but I didn''t let guests know what other guests RSVP''s yes.

Sure, as a guest, it''s nice to get tons of information about a wedding. However, I don''t think a host is being rude as long as they give you ample notice and let you know the event time and location.

 

[tyty333]

Maybe they are not really expecting people to come since its so far away and so expensive?

 

[JulieN]

I''m really confused as to what follow up is necessary.

How to find the location: surely the location and time was on the invitation.
How things will unfold: not the concern of the guest
What to do there: get a guidebook.

and as for plane tickets not being bought with the wedding less than a month away, that is clearly the guest''s responsibility.

 

[KimberlyH]

From the prospective of a former bride and wedding guest:

It would be nice if they had included directions in the invitations or on a wedding website, but perhaps the assumption is that people who are going to attend will look this up online, or already know; or they may expect very few out of town guests and so they decided it wasn''t worth the money to print this information to include in the inviitations. We sent out directions with our invites, people were still lost and calling us prior to the ceremony because they forgot them at home.

I wouldn''t presume a bride and groom should tell people how to spend their free time; I would assume my guests would find things to do for themselves or if they needed some ideas that they would call me.

I don''t understand the need for knowing how things will unfold, other than the wedding date and time and if you want to find out if you''re including in any other celebrations surrounding the wedding I would simply call or email and ask "Are their any events other than the wedding that we need to be aware of before we plan or free time during our trip?" But I''m not sure what, other than ceremony and reception, are to happen?

I can''t understand why the bride and groom would need to follow up the RSVP with information regarding who is attending. Either guests can go or they can''t, it shouldn''t matter who else is planning on attending, but if guests want to know this I would think they would reach out to one another to discuss, not wait for the bride and groom to pass along this information.

A wedding is a wedding, a date and time are all that are necessary for a guest to show up. I think wedding industry madness has raised unreasonable expectations about what the hosts'' responsibilities are to the guests and vice versa.

 

[Haven]

My perspective is one of a former bride''s, but I really don''t understand what information you expected to receive from the bride beyond the date, time, and location.

If you want to know who else is attending, why not just ask the bride?

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I agree with all the previous posters regarding the follow up.

I am having a DW as well and we have information on our website and if people ask me who else is going, I tell them, but I don''t plan on publishing a final guest list.

We are having several other events surrounding the wedding (Bridal Shower, Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties, Pre-Departure Mixer and the wedding itself) but I honestly do not have the time to figure out if everyone else knows who else is attending. I do know that my guests have been in contact with each other regarding travel plans, wedding attire, etc, but I am grateful that they are calling each other instead of me!

As far as not booking airfare, that is each guest''s responsibility. I am less than six weeks out from my wedding and I still have a few people who have booked in the last two weeks, as well as a few more who have stated that they are coming, but I haven''t seen travel itineraries from. I am not concerned, and I truly hope that my other guests aren''t either.

We are planning a fabulous time for those who will be there and we will miss those that can''t make it.

Give her a break, she is probably overwhelmed with planning a destination event!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think I get where you''re coming from...

1. It''s alot of money for your to get there.
2. You don''t have all the details
3. There is basically zero communication from the couple on any of important information.

Personally, I think you should speak up. I''m not saying that they are knowledgeable on weddings...but maybe they aren''t. Have your husband shoot off an e-mail with all your questions listed out, hopefully that will open the lines of communication. Sometimes you''ve just gotta take the bull by the horns, you know?

 

[janinegirly]

sorry, I must have been confusing re: rsvp's! No, defnitely not expecting a published list, lol. I guess that part was discovered word of mouth (that no one had rsvp'd or been followed with). Guests are talking to other guests and saying things like they might bring 2 guests, or 3 or none, not sure yet. And from the perspective of a recent bride, I was just surprised that the couple/bride are so hands off to the point that they clearly don't even have an idea of how many people might be coming. Yes rsvp'ing is surely the guests' responsibility (I know I hated waiting for rsvp's!), but the lack of follow up from the b&g (bride and groom) just tells me it's completely disorganized. This coupled with the fact that is a major trip for all (on the U.S. side) kind of puzzles me since I would *think* a bride would be even more apt to follow up with guests to see if they needed any extra info, would be definitely coming or not,etc. Just the details, like what's the dress code? I know it's in a backyard, but does that mean khakis and summer dress affair, or still formal suits/cocktail dresses? Remember it's overseas, so certainly culturally different definitions of what defines casual (not that they even told us it is casual?).

I could speak up but not close at all with the fiancee, and frankly think it's her wedding and I'll just go with the flow and keep my thoughts to myself (and PS hehe) Again, not saying there needs to be hand holding, but I do think the details and communication matter to guests--particularly with a DW when there lots of unknowns. And even moreso when it's future family (and some of the family are not in great health).

I agree a wedding website would have been a good move. The invitation does have a location and time, but that's it. It is in a isolated town quite some distance from the international airport, so again, none of this is necessarily so obvious (ie how to get from point A to B).

Well, maybe a low stress wedding with minimal planning or communication with guests will turn out to be great and I'll eat my words, but just kind of strange to me so far..

 

[KimberlyH]

I still don''t understand why you won''t just ask whatever you want to know. Whether you''re close or not you''re invited and if you are unsure of things that will affect your trip it would be totally acceptable to ask.

As for the guests RSVPs, perhaps it''s so casual it doesn''t matter who shows up? It''s a little odd they aren''t following up, but do you know for show how many people haven''t RSVPed? Perhaps it''s only a handful and so they aren''t worried about it?

As for getting from the airport to the wedding I''m sure they assume everyone is renting cars to get there and will look up directions on the internet.

This could be a cultural thing, her family is from another country and perhaps this is the norm for them?

I hope in spite of your frustrations that you have a good time, it sounds like an adventure.

 

[janinegirly]

true kimberly.

well i know that the majority of US guests have not rsvp'd, and are not sure how many from their families are coming and therefore have not bought tickets. It's a small group (less than 20) and all are talking and asking questions among each other since the confusion is a bit rampant. It sounds like no one is really asking the b&g I suppose. I still feel a confused group of guests is not a sign of a well planned affair. And this probably will come off biatchy but at $1000-1200 a person (airfare, not including hotels, etc), there should be a little more effort on the part of the b&g. I know this is something I paid alot of attention to in my own planning (guests' experience), although maybe that's just a question of personal style.

however, you're right, if I'm that curious, I should just ask!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/7/2009 10:18:13 AM
Author: janinegirly
true kimberly.

well i know that the majority of US guests have not rsvp''d, and are not sure how many from their families are coming and therefore have not bought tickets. It''s a small group (less than 20) and all are talking and asking questions among each other since the confusion is a bit rampant. It sounds like no one is really asking the b&g I suppose. I still feel a confused group of guests is not a sign of a well planned affair. And this probably will come off biatchy but at $1000-1200 a person (airfare, not including hotels, etc), there should be a little more effort on the part of the b&g. I know this is something I paid alot of attention to in my own planning (guests'' experience), although maybe that''s just a question of personal style.

however, you''re right, if I''m that curious, I should just ask!

It is a bit strange that they aren''t following up, I absolutely agree, but I wonder if there are reasons (like they''re just assuming few US guests will attend). I don''t think it''s bitchy to want information when spending such a large amount of money at all, I just think as you said you should "just ask" if they aren''t provided it so that you have peace of mind about the whole thing.

If memory serves, you don''t get along too well with this woman, which does affect your perspective a bit, so I''m looking for the positive hoping you''ll find a way to enjoy yourself and find the money spent worthwhile.