Wedding blues...

[Jewels305]

I have not been on a lot because lately, thinking about the wedding makes me incredibly sad. I am so excited to get married and be married, but I am feeling very upset because I feel like I have a bridesmaid who is not really interested in my wedding anymore. I know that she has a lot going on right now, expecting a baby and going through the process of first time home-buying, but I feel like I keep making an effort stay interested and involved in her life and my efforts are not being acknowledged (i.e. no return messages), nor are they being reciprocated. I certainly don''t expect that I would be the focus of anyone''s attention now with my wedding over a year away, but I had kind of hoped that my bridesmaids would all be talking with me, checking in maybe, or at least easier to talk with. I am going in 2 weeks with my bridesmaids to check out dresses for them, but she can''t be there and that''s disappointing.
I''m really just at a place where I don''t know if I should continue to suck it up and realize that our relationship has changed with all of the changes she has going on, and that''s ok, or if I should address it. I don''t like confrontation, but I also don''t like that thinking about my wedding makes me want to cry. The other thing which makes this a tricky situation is that her husband is our best man.

 

[lala2332]

i would be patient with your BM. She has a lot on her plate right now and your wedding is still a year away. I think its hard for non-brides to understand/remember how long you work on the wedding. A year seems like a lot of time to someone not planning a wedding.
Also, since she is pregnant she may be self-conscious about her body right now, I can''t imagine that even though its such an amazing process, that you don''t feel fat sometimes. So dress shopping might be a very not fun activity to her and she would rather get measured without an audience.
You know your friend better than I do and I''m not trying to take her side, just offereing some perspective. PLus one not excited BM should not put a damper on your wedding and planning!! This can be such a fun time. DOn''t let this get you down!

 

[lucyandroger]

Jewels, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. **Hugs***

I have to agree with lala though. One less than excited bridesmaid really shouldn''t make you feel so down about your wedding. Is there something else going on?

Of course, she should be returning your messages and it would be great if she could come look for dresses but your wedding is over a year away and she''s pregnant and buying a house NOW. Those are two extremely stressful things to be going on at once, so I think you should cut her some slack.

I certainly would not confront her because in my opinion, you would come off looking incredibly selfish. If it is that important that she be there to look at dresses, could you work with her schedule and find a time that she''s available? Just try to lean on your other bm''s for a while and I''m sure once things settle down, she''ll be more attentive and responsive.

 

[ficklefaye]

hi jewels, i''m going through the same thing myself with one of my bridesmaids, she is busy with her own life, which isn''t to say that she isn''t excited for me, she was MIA for awhile, but contacted me eventually to let me know what was going on, i doubt that your bm is not excited, but with a baby on the way and a house purchase, she just has a lot to deal with at this point, i agree with the other responses, maybe try to find a time that works for her schedule and if this doesn''t work, at least you have other people who are excited for you, i have three other very helpful bms and i''m lucky to have them

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I just wanted to mention that I didn't start to feel really excited about my wedding until I got to the 4 months to go mark. I also noticed that it was about that time my friends and family also started to express to me how excited they were. I think it's because at the very beginning, there isn't a lot of activity going on. Once you get to the point where Save the Dates have been mailed, registries created, invitations printed, dresses selected and ordered etc., that is when I think it starts to feel VERY real to everyone else involved in the wedding.

Cut your friend (and yourself) some slack - there's a lot of things that are going to transpire over the next 8-10 months leading up to the final rush of wedding activities. I am sure once you hit the point where your wedding and related activities are just over the horizon you will see your friends start to really perk up and your saddness will be replaced with excitement!

 

[D2B]

Congratulations on your wedding.

I would leave it. A year is a long way off for non-brides and she is buying a house, (major stress usually) and having a baby. Being pregnant is not always easy, she might have medical issues you dont know off, she might be feeling bad morning sickness (or all day sickness) bloated, sore joints, backache, nervouse about parenthood, finances etc, - having a child is HUGE, and a wedding with a year to go wont really rate on her radar, not because she is selfish but because she has a lot going on.

Keep her in the loop, be friendly and as her things settle - if they do, new babies can make life wonderful but also miserbable with lack of sleep, adjustment to motherhood, new roles for relatioships et), I guess she and you cant predict how pregnancy and motherhood will affect her. It might be a breeze, but she might be like the majority of us and be going through a process of adjustment, especially if she has been a carefree professional.

She may well need a bit of your support in the months to come, take the pressure away from her and it may work out better. Keep her in the loop so she doenst feel left out and have lots of fun with all the other stuff with the rest of the bridal group.

wishing you and your BM well

DB

 

[tlh]

Date: 7/26/2009 11:34:05 PM
Author: lala2332
i would be patient with your BM. She has a lot on her plate right now and your wedding is still a year away. I think its hard for non-brides to understand/remember how long you work on the wedding. A year seems like a lot of time to someone not planning a wedding.
Also, since she is pregnant she may be self-conscious about her body right now, I can''t imagine that even though its such an amazing process, that you don''t feel fat sometimes. So dress shopping might be a very not fun activity to her and she would rather get measured without an audience.
You know your friend better than I do and I''m not trying to take her side, just offereing some perspective. PLus one not excited BM should not put a damper on your wedding and planning!! This can be such a fun time. DOn''t let this get you down!

i agree.

home buying is stressful, and being pregnant also changes the body a lot too. Not only DURING, but afterwards. If she''s a few months in.. she may have gained some weight, and may not know if she''ll ever be a "size 16 again (gone with the wind)" and looking at dresses and just being there may be a rather unpleasant experience. (Think swimsuit shopping with a bunch of people you may or may not know, who want to see you come out and MODEL, after you''ve just added some stretch marks and 20 pounds to the midsection, not to mention swollen ankles, face etc....)

I think as your date draws closer she''ll begin to take a bit more interest, but not much... because she''ll have a baby then. I''m just going to be honest. I love my friends, and family, but I am honestly not 100% interested in all the details and stress that goes on around them... until 2-3 months before the big date (and these are weddings I''ve been in!)

I''m sorry you feel this way, and maybe talking about it with her will help. Just keep in mind, a wedding is only one day, no matter all the months of planning that went into it. Be careful that the stress that surrounds this day, does not damage any relationships on the way to the alter. Also, you said you''ve been leaving messages and she isn''t returning them. I''d say that is a lot of stress w/ a baby, and everything.. and is likely to get worse after the child''s birth. What kind of messages are you leaving? "Hi this is Jewels, how is everything going with the house and the pregnancy? How was your XXX week appt? Walk through??? Things are good here, just wanted to call and chit chat.. give me a call when you can!" Because that sounds like you are just interested in what is going on with her, and sometimes stressed people don''t think that an outreach to find out how THEY are doing, is really a need to just talk about what is goig on with you... other times message like this "OMG, I''m so stressed out! My MIL is at it again.. she wants to invite the BOWLING LEAGUE TO THE WEDDING!!! SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GOING OUT OT CONTROL... and I need to talk to my Best Friend. Please call me... oh and I also want to hear about how your house, pregnancy is coming along, call me!!"

It really just depends on the receiver and how they interpret the messages.. but if she isn''t calling you back... then I''d want to know why... even just leaving a next message.. "Hey it''s Jewels. I really hope everything is alright with you. I haven''t heard from you, and I just miss my friend. I''m planning the wedding, and I wanted to bounce some ideas off of you, because you mean so much to me. You always have. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, and I want to be there for you and help in any way I can. I just want you to be here with me. The wedding planning just isnt the same without you......." (Be honest, lay it out there, but also show concern for her and that you want to be there for her... friendships ARE reciprocal afterall! But also keep in mind, pregnacies trigger hormones... and so that can also come into play. It shouldn''t matter that her hubs is the best man. They basically just show up... expectations are different from men than they are women. She may not even have A CLUE that her absenses are hurting your feelings!)

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ficklefaye]

oh another thing, like some others have mentioned, i still made an effort to keep my bm in the loop even though i knew she was busy, she wasn''t able to go to a few things, but i didn''t want to make her feel left out by not telling her at all