Wedding dilemma....help

[Neveah]

Will try to make this short..... Some advice is needed. And you can tell me I'm a horrible person. I asked, and I can take it.

Here's the problem....
My FI's brother. He's in the wedding. He is mentally ill. (paranoid schizophrenia) He is 25 and has just moved out on his own for the first time. He is now drinking incessently. You probably know or can probably figure out that you should not use alcohol when taking the drugs you need for this illness. Even without the drinking he is obnoxious. He makes me extremely uncomfortable. (thank god he lives in a different state and I do not have to deal with him often)
His drinking is out of control. He is confrontational. Embarassing.
I had no problem with him being in the wedding before the excessive drinking started. I love my Fiance and his brother is family. I am now extremely concerned and don't want him at the wedding let alone in it. My biggest fear is that he won't be able to handle it (schizophrenics have a hard time in social situations and being around 200+ people....) I'm most worried that his parents will have to take him out and stay with him..... I don't want the parents of the groom to miss any part of their son's wedding!
My anxiety is growning..... (I have 4 mos until the day) My FI's parents are wonderful and promised me they wouldnt let his brother ruin our wedding. But I'm hesitant to say anyting to FI. Would you??? After all, this disease only surfaced 5 years ago.... my FI still remembers the quote "normal" brother he grew up with. I don't want to hurt his feelings.
My feelings of anxiety are turning to hatred for his brother. He's horrible to be around. Any advice? Should I let it go and trust FI parents to see how he is in 4 mos. and make the decision? Or would you try to talk to your FI. I'm having a hard time with this!
The brother has never been to a wedding and doesn't really understand what a big deal it is. So if he doesn't end up coming I won't feel horrible that his feelings are hurt. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if he would be hurt by it. Also, my words might sound very harsh. I am really not a bad person. Like I said I'm more worried about FI parents missing a part of our wedding than I am about an inappropriate outburst. My heart breaks for him and his parents. I've never dealt with mental illness before.
So, any advice ladies????????????????

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

you are not a bad person. paranoid schizophrenia is one of the most problematic metal disorders there is. The medication does not work well and it has awful side effects so many stop taking it. As for it coming on a few years ago, it always starts in late teens or early twenties.
The substance abuse problems are not only more common in paranoid schizophrenics, it is also much harder to treat.
I would recommend you do some research on paranoid schizophrenia. It will give you some insight and it will show your FI that are trying to understand and not just to judge. Then I would talk to him. This is a big problem and you need to sort it out with him. Unfortunately, I don''t think there is anything you can do short of not having him at the wedding. I am sorry.

 

[Neveah]

Thanks for your understanding. And you''re right.... I definitely do need to learn more about it so I can better understand. Sometimes I feel like I''m being a huge spoiled brat about it.... and others I just don''t think it''s fair to anyone (especially my FI and me) that we need to have so many contingency''s, plans, etc. for ONE person. This situation just really sucks. But thank you.

 

[blueyes157]

I feel for you, you are in a very touchy situation. Although I do not know too much about schizophrenia, aside from what I''ve seen in movies or on tv, but it seems serious. As you mentioned that extreme social situations can be detrimental to a person with this disorder, maybe you could have the family talk to his doctor or a psychiatrist. Being in a situation like that might even be dangerous to his health or may even be a threat to you or the guests.

But I think the important thing to remember, is he is your FI''s brother, and your soon to be BIL (all hatred aside). I would express your concerns to your FI and his family, seen you seem very close to your FILs, but tread lightly. The disease seems fairly recent and they could be indenial to how bad the brother really is. You don''t want your FI to feel pressured or that he might ruin your day and keep his brother from being in the wedding or even coming at all... you would not want to be the cause of that sadness or regret.

Good luck, that it is very tough, and we all feel for you.

 

[Neveah]

Date: 12/27/2007 10:29:46 PM
Author: blueyes157
I feel for you, you are in a very touchy situation. Although I do not know too much about schizophrenia, aside from what I''ve seen in movies or on tv, but it seems serious. As you mentioned that extreme social situations can be detrimental to a person with this disorder, maybe you could have the family talk to his doctor or a psychiatrist. Being in a situation like that might even be dangerous to his health or may even be a threat to you or the guests.

But I think the important thing to remember, is he is your FI''s brother, and your soon to be BIL (all hatred aside). I would express your concerns to your FI and his family, seen you seem very close to your FILs, but tread lightly. The disease seems fairly recent and they could be indenial to how bad the brother really is. You don''t want your FI to feel pressured or that he might ruin your day and keep his brother from being in the wedding or even coming at all... you would not want to be the cause of that sadness or regret.

Good luck, that it is very tough, and we all feel for you.

Thank you so much for your kind words and good advice. It is much appreciated!

 

[Haven]

Oh Neveah, I''m so sorry to hear about your future BIL. I don''t have a tremendous amount of experience with schizophrenia, but I have enough to know that it can be a terribly difficult thing to deal with. I have a family member with schizophrenia, but he is able to keep it under control with a regimen of prescription drugs. It did take a few years to find the right combination and amount, though, so it can be a tough road.

I think you''ve gotten great advice--tread very lightly here. Illness or not, he is your FI''s brother, and I''d hate to see this cause a rift between you and your FI or his family. Good luck, sweetie.

 

[D2B]

This is a very hard and awkward situation for you and your your PIL.

I dont think that there is anything you can do but trust your PIL to deal with it and to look out for you and your wedding IYKWIM. You cant exclude him, that would send out the worst vibes to family and friends. Everyone there will be friends and family, who love you and your partner - so if your BIL does act up, they will be understanding. He has an illness, if they cant understand that, then perhaphs they are not the sort of people you want at your wedding.

It is very hard, but it is a real wedding, with a real family and all the extended baggage. Trust in your PIL and FI, I cant see what else you can do here.
good luck.

D2B

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmmm... I agree with some of the advice above:

1) You should read as much as you can about schizophrenia, so that you understand what it is like for your FBIL and so that you understand his behaviour better. I have a friend from high school who is schizophrenic, as well as a cousin, and so I used to volunteer, when I was in college, being a sort of 'friend in the community' for a schizophrenic lady in long term care. The first thing you need to understand is that this disease is TERRIFYING to the person who has it. Remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of the dark, and scared that something was going to jump out at you or hurt you? Well, that is what life is like for paranoid schizophrenics all the time. They are constantly afraid that someone or something is trying to hurt them or kill them. So, many turn to drugs or alcohol because they just can't cope with it. Could you cope with it? I'm not saying the substance abuse is OK, just trying to help you understand why so many people with this disease 'self-medicate'.

I am fully aware of how weird the behaviour of a person with paranoid schizophrenia can be, but unlike what Blueeyes said, they are very, very rarely dangerous people. There is less risk that your BIL will 'hurt' one of your guests than that the best man will get drunk and pick a fight. Know what I mean? Also, people with this disease have SUCH weird behaviour that it is not 'embarassing', since everyone will reconize that he is ill. In fact, you might just mention it to them. But do so respectfully.

2) Your BIL or parents in law should definitely talk to his doctor about whether the wedding would be comfortable for him. But I wouldn't ban him from the wedding. Unless he's medicated beyond reason, perhaps his family can talk to him about whether he WANTS to go and maybe make a deal with him that he won't drink while he's there. Perhaps he can buddy up with someone else in the family who also won't drink... they can be a team.

He has one of the most horrifying and tragic diseases a person can get. And he will soon be your brother-in-law. I'm not saying you're a bad person at all, as I really KNOW how upsetting being around someone with an illness like this can be. But I think you're going to have to 'put your big girl pants on' and approach this issue with respect for your BIL and for the rest of your new family. He may be a very, very ill man. But he's still a human being. And a human being who is suffering tremendously. So just keep that in mind is all. Everyone deserves respect, whether they have a mental illness or not. So speaking to him like a human being, telling him your concerns about his drinking at the wedding (or having his parents tell him) and asking what HE wants, if he is clear-headed enough to hear you, is a good first step.

 

[Sha]

Great advice so far. You said his behaviour is obnoxious even without the drinking...and that he''s horrible to be around. The best advice I can give is try not judge him the same way you judge the behaviour of people who don''t have a mental disorder. A mental illness often changes the way people see and relate to other persons around them. More often than not they have no control over behaving in a particular way - as exasperating and annoying as it might be to others - but sometimes it''s just the illness ''talking''. I suspect this might be the case with your brother as well. Try to be a bit more sensitive to what he is struggling with - I agree that learning more about schizophrenia will probabaly help.

Best wishes - this is not an easy situation to be in.

 

[sap483]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I also think it's very unfortunate that you didn't know him prior to developing this awful disease.

Paranoid schizophrenia runs in my mother's family. Her father had it (developed it in his late 40's) and then both her brothers have it (one of them got it in his late 30's and the other in his late 20's). It was really tragic seeing them degenerate right in front of our eyes. They also developed substance abuse problems, when previously they had never used anything. I was fortunate enough to have known my uncles prior to developing the disease, and so I could see that they weren't really these monsters. My siblings are both several years younger than I am, and so they never knew my uncles before they had this disease. To this day, they get into huge fights with my mom when she gives them money, etc. It hurts her terribly.

So, I hope that you remember in all of the excitement around your wedding day, that it's just that, a day. What's really happening is the beginning of a lifelong committment to your FI and his family. I can tell that you're trying to make this a pleasureable experience for all involved, but I really do think that your FI's family will have a better experience having their entire family there to celebrate, even if that means that they have to spend some time alone with your FBIL. IMHO to ask them to not bring him would be hurtful, and could really cause significant problems between you and your FI. You have to remember that all of these people will always think of your FBIL as the person he was, no matter what he does now. They realize that it's the disease that makes him do these awful things, and that's not who he is. If you can begin to understand that, I think you'll have an easier time with it too.

I agree with everyone else's advice about learning more about the disease. Also, if FI's family has some home movies from when they were growing up, you might want to watch those. Anything you can do to understand who FBIL was, and still is under the mask of that disease will really help you to see him as the rest of his family sees him. Good luck to you!

 

[MustangFan]

I had a friend that turn schizophenic just a few years ago. It''s very scarey, he called me up to stay in the house and don''t come out for a few days, then he went missing. I thought he was going to kill me. I felt so bad for him. I''d just keep him in your wedding and don''t change anything, he might not even show up. Taking him out of the wedding might throw him over the edge.

 

[Neveah]

Thank you to all who were so kind to lend their insight. Many things to ponder that I did not think of. Sometimes I think it''s just easier to be irritated and angry about the situation.... then to think of what it really involves and to be so saddened by it. Does that make sense????

You''ve given me much to consider and everything was put so gently; I was really concerned that I was just a horrid person for having these feelings. Thanks for making me feel good about my honesty.

 

[swimmer]

Nevaeh,
Sap has some great words of counsel, I would also suggest reading _The Center Cannot Hold_ by Elyn Saks, http://www.amazon.com/Center-Cannot-Hold-Journey-Through/dp/140130138X Her description of her battle with schizophrenia is really enlightening, you will see your fBIL in some aspects of her struggles. Reading this memoir made me and my fiance more empathic towards his brother (refusal to take meds, ravings, side effects of other meds). Mostly, I want you to know that for everyone, it is so hard to meet someone who is no longer the witty compassionate person that the rest of the family knew and remembers.


Everyone agrees, you are not at all a bad person; you are in a difficult situation with the wedding, but most of all you are now entering a new role in the family that, "for better or worse" one member has a terrifying disease. Sidebar: If your fBIL is a danger to himself or others in regards to his drinking, the state has the obligation to care for him...it is not great care, and "care" means very different things around the country, but you can look into this, end sidebar. In all things, research can only give you information, and information is power. Yeah, it is a bit easier to just get frustrated than to do something, but I really suggest this book.

The name of the book comes from the Yeats poem, its supposed to be about Ireland or Mythology, but a glimpse into a truly frustrated mind it is also. I think the first part aptly describes encountering madness.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand...

Keep your chin up, there is support all around you.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 1/2/2008 12:48:45 PM
Author: swimmer
Nevaeh,
Sap has some great words of counsel, I would also suggest reading _The Center Cannot Hold_ by Elyn Saks, http://www.amazon.com/Center-Cannot-Hold-Journey-Through/dp/140130138X Her description of her battle with schizophrenia is really enlightening, you will see your fBIL in some aspects of her struggles. Reading this memoir made me and my fiance more empathic towards his brother (refusal to take meds, ravings, side effects of other meds). Mostly, I want you to know that for everyone, it is so hard to meet someone who is no longer the witty compassionate person that the rest of the family knew and remembers.


Everyone agrees, you are not at all a bad person; you are in a difficult situation with the wedding, but most of all you are now entering a new role in the family that, ''for better or worse'' one member has a terrifying disease. Sidebar: If your fBIL is a danger to himself or others in regards to his drinking, the state has the obligation to care for him...it is not great care, and ''care'' means very different things around the country, but you can look into this, end sidebar. In all things, research can only give you information, and information is power. Yeah, it is a bit easier to just get frustrated than to do something, but I really suggest this book.

The name of the book comes from the Yeats poem, its supposed to be about Ireland or Mythology, but a glimpse into a truly frustrated mind it is also. I think the first part aptly describes encountering madness.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand...

Keep your chin up, there is support all around you.

I agree with swimmer 100%. My Mother In Law suffers from paranoid schizoprenia, but of the trauma induced nature. She doesn''t venture out of her apartment at all, so she did not attend our wedding, and I wouldn''t have ever put her in that position given her extremely erratic and people-avoiding nature. My husband and his sister are her caretakers, but luckily she''s lived with it long enough to hide it during each of our visits to her.

I understand that it is difficult for you, but the book swimmer suggested is a very enlightening book that will likely help you to empathize.

 

[swimmer]

Hi Neveah,
How are you doing?
Thinking about you and your situation. I''m off to visit my fbil, hope he is doing better...at this point we might have to start looking for a new best man. Yes, having "contingency plans" suck, but its good to have them. Everyone is pulling for you, hope things are good. Take care.

 

[Neveah]

Date: 1/5/2008 1:26:17 PM
Author: swimmer
Hi Neveah,
How are you doing?
Thinking about you and your situation. I''m off to visit my fbil, hope he is doing better...at this point we might have to start looking for a new best man. Yes, having ''contingency plans'' suck, but its good to have them. Everyone is pulling for you, hope things are good. Take care.

I''m doing well, thanks so much for checking up! Good luck to you, I hope it works out. We are just kind of waiting.... we have 4 months til the wedding and FBIL is still drinking like it''s his job. We will have to see. We would like to have a talk with him about if he still wants to be in the wedding and explain that he is NOT allowed to drink at the wedding. Problem is, he hasn''t been sober yet for us to do it. *sigh* I''m secretly hoping he refuses to come. (It''s so nice to be honest about the terrible thoughts in my head) That way I won''t feel guilty and he won''t do anything to take away from our day.

Good luck to you. It''s so nice to find others who truly understand what you''re going through! And others make so many good points and things to consider! Thank you ladies. again!