wedding gift ettiquette

[ilovesparkles]

Helllo all! I usually don''t venture over here but I have a dilemma. I am going to a really good friend''s wedding in the beginning of June and have some very tight finances. I already bought a hefty (IMO) gift for the bridal shower I am attending tomorrow. So what are the expectations of a gift for the actual wedding? Someone told me a gift for the shower is expected but not for the wedding so this is what I was originally going to do. But as it lurks closer I don''t quite feel comfortable with this. Is this normal or is a gift expected for both? I don''t really want to give cash either because I feel like the amount would be so little it would be embarrassing. Suggestions and help please!

Just a note, she does have a pretty extensive gift registry which is where I have purchased from so far.

 

[FireGoddess]

The way I was raised, the etiquette is that a gift should be given for both the bridal shower and the wedding. Sometimes people give a bigger gift for the shower and a smaller one for the wedding, but usually the bigger gift is for the wedding itself. However, one of my bridesmaids gave me a big shower gift and then a small wedding gift. Whatever works for you. If you don''t want to spend a lot, could you get creative with the registry and perhaps combine some smaller cost items into a nice basket? For example a kitchen basket full of kitchen tools she registered for, etc in a basket lined with a gingham towel, etc?

 

[monarch64]

Hi Ilovesparkles! To answer one of your questions, usually you give a shower gift as well as a wedding gift. However, in the event that you are stretched financially, and have already purchased a nice shower gift, I think you could probably get away with a nice wedding card with a handwritten message inside congratulating your friends and wishing them well in their new life together. I had a few friends who did the same for me...they made the shower gift kind of a "combo." I have to tell you that I appreciated just the fact that they made it to both my shower and the wedding, as they had to travel quite a distance for both (5 hours). If you still feel like you must give them something as a separate wedding gift, I know you''ve mentioned that you like to scrapbook before, so maybe you could include an "IOU" gift certificate offering your scrapbooking skills at a later date to help them put one together of their wedding cards, the invitation and program, a favor, pictures, etc.? You could even buy a blank scrapbook and offer to help them fill it using your creative skills, that way you''d have something to wrap...

Just my .02, hope this helps!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Thanks FG and monarch! I had a funny feeling the4 info I had gotten was a little off. Good memory monarch, I don''t even remember mentioning this on PS lol. But I like that idea because my friend has seen my book and loved it! And since we no longer work together we rarely see each other and this would be a great opportunity!

Any other suggestions ladies?

 

[diamondfan]

I think you give both, but again, I do not subscribe to hard and fast rules. Everyone is in a different situation financially. I love the idea of getting the small stuff and making a basket, something creative... or how about something like dinner out at their favorite restaurant? I do not think you need to break the bank for gift to be meaningful...and, you have a year, so you could wait til you have a bit saved if that makes you comfortable...who knows, but I think something in your price range that comes from the heart should be wonderful!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 5/12/2006 8:16:47 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think you give both, but again, I do not subscribe to hard and fast rules. Everyone is in a different situation financially. I love the idea of getting the small stuff and making a basket, something creative... or how about something like dinner out at their favorite restaurant? I do not think you need to break the bank for gift to be meaningful...and, you have a year, so you could wait til you have a bit saved if that makes you comfortable...who knows, but I think something in your price range that comes from the heart should be wonderful!

Hmmm not sure where you got that I had a year. The shower is tomorrow and the wedding is June 10th 2006. So in a month. And for the shower gift I got most of the kitchen utensil and the utensil caddy and silver wear tray because they were all wood and kinda went together. But being bamboo and some other nice wood they were pricey too.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/12/2006 8:05:57 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
Thanks FG and monarch! I had a funny feeling the4 info I had gotten was a little off. Good memory monarch, I don''t even remember mentioning this on PS lol. But I like that idea because my friend has seen my book and loved it! And since we no longer work together we rarely see each other and this would be a great opportunity!

Any other suggestions ladies?

I don''t know how my memory is so good about things like the fact that you like scrapbooking when I can''t even remember people''s names in person sometimes, lol! I don''t even remember where you posted that, but I like crafty stuff too so I think that''s why I remembered!

Going further with the scrapbook idea (because I really can''t think of anything else--FG''s suggestion was great also and that would''ve been my next guess), since you''re going to the shower first maybe you could even do a page or two with pics from the shower and some embellishments, a cocktail napkin or shower invite, etc. as an "example" of your work... You could maybe title it "The Life and Times of Mr. and Mrs. ___" and they could keep filling it in the years to come. Maybe you could even throw in a couple "anniversary" pages for 1st, 5th, etc. anniversaries with just a pretty background or whatever. I started one for my DH a couple years ago as a 1st anniversary gift and he loves it. I''m always throwing pics and ticket stubs in there but haven''t sat down again to compile some of those pages, but it''s one of those works in progress we like to sit down and look at together from time to time. We probably have looked at it more together than our wedding album, lol!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 5/12/2006 8:19:55 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 5/12/2006 8:05:57 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
Thanks FG and monarch! I had a funny feeling the4 info I had gotten was a little off. Good memory monarch, I don''t even remember mentioning this on PS lol. But I like that idea because my friend has seen my book and loved it! And since we no longer work together we rarely see each other and this would be a great opportunity!

Any other suggestions ladies?

I don''t know how my memory is so good about things like the fact that you like scrapbooking when I can''t even remember people''s names in person sometimes, lol! I don''t even remember where you posted that, but I like crafty stuff too so I think that''s why I remembered!

Going further with the scrapbook idea (because I really can''t think of anything else--FG''s suggestion was great also and that would''ve been my next guess), since you''re going to the shower first maybe you could even do a page or two with pics from the shower and some embellishments, a cocktail napkin or shower invite, etc. as an ''example'' of your work... You could maybe title it ''The Life and Times of Mr. and Mrs. ___'' and they could keep filling it in the years to come. Maybe you could even throw in a couple ''anniversary'' pages for 1st, 5th, etc. anniversaries with just a pretty background or whatever. I started one for my DH a couple years ago as a 1st anniversary gift and he loves it. I''m always throwing pics and ticket stubs in there but haven''t sat down again to compile some of those pages, but it''s one of those works in progress we like to sit down and look at together from time to time. We probably have looked at it more together than our wedding album, lol!

So here is a question regarding this idea. Should I pick one out or give her a cert. to go pick one out and work on it together? I want her to like the size, cover, etc. And I shouldnt plan on it being her weddding album but something in addition correct?

 

[monarch64]

Hmm, well I guess there are two routes you could take here, the first one being the gift certificate (which might get put on hold for a very long time), the second one that if you got a white or off white scrapbook or some other neutral color (or even a color to match their wedding colors?) you could wrap it and kind of "start" it for them...

I personally would lean toward the second, mainly because you say it would be a great way for you to spend time with her/them after the wedding at some point since you don''t see each other often. Who knows when or if you will be able to go shopping with her for it, and also with a gift certificate you are again, giving her something with a monetary amount that YOU may not feel is "enough." I''m kind of thinking this out as I''m typing, so bear with me, lol! I was also thinking that a "sample" page or two would make it even more personal, which is a great thing for a wedding gift, but you wouldn''t have to glue anything down or make anything permanent if you decide she might not like the color or want to exchange it for a different scrapbook. Be sure to include a gift receipt if you go that route.

Oh, and yes, it would be in addition to their wedding album, which typically consists of just their wedding photos. The scrapbook would serve as memories of their shower, the wedding, the honeymoon, and so on...really however long they want to keep adding to it. They could even kind of "document" their first or more year(s) of marriage!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 5/12/2006 8:19:52 PM
Author: ilovesparkles

Date: 5/12/2006 8:16:47 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think you give both, but again, I do not subscribe to hard and fast rules. Everyone is in a different situation financially. I love the idea of getting the small stuff and making a basket, something creative... or how about something like dinner out at their favorite restaurant? I do not think you need to break the bank for gift to be meaningful...and, you have a year, so you could wait til you have a bit saved if that makes you comfortable...who knows, but I think something in your price range that comes from the heart should be wonderful!

Hmmm not sure where you got that I had a year. The shower is tomorrow and the wedding is June 10th 2006. So in a month. And for the shower gift I got most of the kitchen utensil and the utensil caddy and silver wear tray because they were all wood and kinda went together. But being bamboo and some other nice wood they were pricey too.

if you read any etiquette books, you have one year from the date of the wedding to send a gift to the couple...I will try to look it up in Emily Post. Again, not that I am so strict about rules, but you do have some flex in terms of when you give the gift...and within a year has been considered proper for a long time, so unless that has changed, I think it still holds...

 

[diamondfan]

i just googled Emily Post and she says within three months is proper. (It is funny, though, because years ago it was within a year...my cousin''s husband of 6 months decided he wanted out and they were still getting gifts after he had moved out and started divorce proceedings! It made her so upset, obviously, and of course she sent them back)

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 5/12/2006 10:10:28 PM
Author: diamondfan
i just googled Emily Post and she says within three months is proper. (It is funny, though, because years ago it was within a year...my cousin''s husband of 6 months decided he wanted out and they were still getting gifts after he had moved out and started divorce proceedings! It made her so upset, obviously, and of course she sent them back)

Oh thats sad! And fascinating about the giving the gift afterwards! I have never heard of that! Hmmmm. Well I will sleep on it and see what she gets at the shower tomorrow etc. I don;t know how much she follows the rules eiuther. A couple weeks ago I sent my invite rszp. She didnt have a "and guest" on my invite which was fine because my honey lives way out of state and I already told her I he wouldnt be able to fly in. THen she emailed me this past week making sure Iw asn;t bringing anyone because she was trying to put tables together as she got the returns. But I of course didn;t think of bringing anyone because there was no and guest for me. Thought it was strange. *shrugs*

 

[monarch64]

Soooo...any more thoughts on the wedding gift??

About the bride confirming you wouldn''t be bringing a guest...I know it probably seems strange to you that she called to make sure you weren''t bringing your BF, but as a bride when you get to the point that you have to give the "reception people" your final count and start making out your seating charts/arrangements, sometimes things get a little hairy and you start freaking out about whether you''ll be able to fill your tables with the right combos of people, and not tick anyone off, etc. Don''t let it bother you, I''m sure she wasn''t trying to be rude or anything. Of course I don''t know her so I could be totally off, but it''s probably just one of those things and she didn''t think about whether it would bug you or not before she called.

Let us know what you decide about the wedding gift...hope you had a good time at the shower today!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Aww thanks monarch! The shower was fun and there was someone there I didn''t even think of from our old job so I actually knew someone which was cool! It has been an emotional day so I am pretty drained tonight. I think the shower got me a little over excited and then bummed because I am not planning my own yet. But anyways....... I think I am going to go with the scrapbook idea. That is really cool and I took pictures today

Thanks for the help I really appreciate it!

 

[appletini]

Maybe you and another attendant can purchase a gift together, that way you can get her something "bigger."