Wedding Gift Expectations

[dmamsquared]

Let''s face it, we''re all human. We love giving and we love receiving. Let''s just say that the cost per head for the reception is $125. A couple, who are finanacially comfortable, want to give "enough" money. At first two hundred seemed like a generous gift. Now it won''t even cover the costs. Should the cost be covered (and then some)? More like 250-300 dollars??? Just puttting it out there for discussion.

 

[neatfreak]

Personally, I think it''s rude to "expect" anything from your guests.

But, being from the east coast, in many areas there it is the norm to "pay for your plate". But I think it''s a silly rule myself. I think people should come up with their OWN gift number based on what they are comfortable with, even if that means a card and nothing else!

 

[sumbride]

I''m not from the "pay for your plate" crowd... but then, we''re also doing a buffet... so it could be argued that I actually expect to MAKE money on the event. That''s not my "hope" of course, and southerners don''t often give cash wedding gifts. I expect the bulk of my gifts will be between $50-$100 with some precious souls going up to $200 or more. But then, I''m inviting a heck of a lot of people, so I almost wish it WERE cash... we don''t know where we''re going to put everything we registered for!

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 6/26/2007 3:27:51 PM
Author: neatfreak
Personally, I think it''s rude to ''expect'' anything from your guests.

But, being from the east coast, in many areas there it is the norm to ''pay for your plate''. But I think it''s a silly rule myself. I think people should come up with their OWN gift number based on what they are comfortable with, even if that means a card and nothing else!

ditto. i only have control over what i choose to spend on my own wedding -- not what others choose to spend on theirs. if my best friend had gotten married in her parents backyard and served hot dogs, i still would have spent more on her gift than on a gift for a work colleague who had a reception at the fanciest joint in town. IMHO, i think that folks who expect to "recoup" the costs of their wedding via gifts are just setting themselves up for disappointment. i''m not offended by this, but i just don''t buy into it. i am slightly offended when folks whose parents are paying expect gifts commensurate with the cost.

that said, i do always try to be generous, especially for those folks that are just starting their own household, but i don''t feel the least bit self concious about how much i give relative to how much someone''s wedding might cost -- i try to pick something meaningful and within my means. most people who wouldn''t be satisfied with that aren''t folks i''d be close enough with to get invited to their weddings.

 

[Mara]

well me personally, i just flat out love gifts, esp ones i really want! so i was happy to get anything from my registry or a great gift from someone who knew us well. other than that, i don't really remember too much about our gifts except the really random ones OR really extravagant ones OR ones i really wanted. aka one of the random gifts was from a friend who gave us a $10 crate and barrel picnic backpack...i was like uhh thanks...it's in lime green too. we have never used it. i felt like it was an afterthought or something she had laying around. we don't ever picnic either. now she is getting married and i have spent more on her engagement party gift than she spent on our wedding gift and i'll spend more than that on the actual wedding gift. and on the flip side, a member of greg's family who we have never even met gave us 2 sets of our china which was like $250 total and they didn't come to the wedding or anything.

for what i GIVE...it depends on how well i know the people and if we are going to the wedding. one of my good friends just got married and my gifts totalled $185 and when she called me as she got them she said i went 'crazy' with the buying (which i didn't think i had but i thought it was funny she was so surprised). i also know how much the wedding is costing and she's one of my good friends and i love shopping for people i care about esp when i know what she really wanted off the registry. if we weren't going and she wasn't a good friend i would have spent probably about $50.

but yeah some people spend $20 or $50 or $200 or more. i don't think that there's an *expectation* necessarily as long as the gift doesn't come across as thoughtless or something they had laying around or a total non-reflection of the couple...i know that people sometimes are just oblivious when it comes to gift giving as well. we had an immediate family member who came to our wedding who never even gave us a gift...EVER. we figured that they thought that their presence at the wedding was gift enough.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m definitely in the ''give what you''re comfy with'' crowd. When I''m trying to decide how much to spend, I ask myself How close is this person? How expensive is it to get to the wedding? How flush am I at the moment? We just spent almost $1000 to go to a friend''s wedding next week. That is a huge chunk of the monthly budget since I don''t earn very much and she knows this, so I''ll probably give her a modest, but thoughtful gift. To me that means about $75. If the situation were reversed (as it might be within the year!) I''d actually be embarassed if my friend spent more than that.

What Sumbride said just made me realize how much trouble we''ll be in if we still live in my place when we get married. My place is about 800 sq ft. There are exactly two closets. They are full. I literally have NO room for more stuff! I sure hope those people who want to give us something will give us cash! So we can get a bigger place.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sum -- I''d love to see your house when gifts start arriving! I still can''t believe how big your wedding is! As for the original question, I''ve heard the "cover the cost of your plate" but it makes more sense to me to have a person or a couple give what they''re able.

 

[decodelighted]

This topic always cracks me up because how it is up here in NY is SO SO SO different from where I grew up (Virginia).

My best friend - who got married 10 years ago & is now seperated ... her mom STILL calls her up to see what So&So gave as a wedding gift A DECADE AGO so that they can give "the right" amount for those people''s kids weddings NOW. She gets these calls a few times A YEAR!!!!! (I hope her mom is allowing for inflation

). That''s so unbelievable to me. The tit-for-tat-ness of GIFT GIVING.

The "pay for your plate" mentality is huge too -- AS IF we should all keep on top of the going rates for receptions across the nation???? Or -- worse yet -- ASK the family what they''re PAYING???

Oh it''s too much for my Southern blood ... *faint*

 

[sumbride]

I''m still having trouble processing it myself. The shower invite list for next week had 135 names on it. These are just my mom''s "close friends". I have no idea when she got so wildly popular!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/26/2007 3:50:15 PM
Author: decodelighted

My best friend - who got married 10 years ago & is now seperated ... her mom STILL calls her up to see what So&So gave as a wedding gift A DECADE AGO so that they can give ''the right'' amount for those people''s kids weddings NOW. She gets these calls a few times A YEAR!!!!! (I hope her mom is allowing for inflation

). That''s so unbelievable to me. The tit-for-tat-ness of GIFT GIVING.

Oh it''s too much for my Southern blood ... *faint*

So true Deco!!! My sister got married 17 years ago. Mom says "Well, the (neighbors) will get you something nice because they gave your sister a whole place setting of her SILVER... that was like $500!" I didn''t register for silver so if this holds true, hopefully it will some china or something... nothing on my registry, except for furniture on the C&B list, cost as much as one place setting of my (now-divorced) sister''s silver!

I think one of the reasons my guest list is so large is that my mom has been invited to too many weddings over the years and now it''s "payback time" or something.

 

[dmamsquared]

I am a Yankee and a damned one at that! I''ll have an order of those "peekin" waffles, Please. Seriously, I love reading your posts about this topic.

Sum, We don''t know 250 people! How funny is that! Ye gads, all those gifts. Re-gift or sell them on ebay. And the stations notion is finally catching on up here. oh my knees, I''ll need to sit already. My socailizing days are over!!!

Mara, are you realted to any tightwads? LOL I think it''s an epidemic (and hereditary).hehehe

And to all of the other Southern lasses that cringe with the thought of our (Yankee) brashness: I keep the smelling salts handy! You know I''m just kidding. That''s what makes the world go round.

Thanks for your imput.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/26/2007 4:13:01 PM
Author: dmamsquared

Sum, We don''t know 250 people! How funny is that! Ye gads, all those gifts. Re-gift or sell them on ebay. And the stations notion is finally catching on up here. oh my knees, I''ll need to sit already. My socailizing days are over!!!

Our guest list is 530... COUPLES.


yes, really.

and yes, it blew my mind too.

my FMIL has invited 4 people. M and I put about 80 on the list. My parents are responsible for the rest!

 

[Mandarine]

OMG Sumbride!!!!!!!!!!!! and you DIY your invitations????

I don''t know 530 people! hahaha....wow, that''s crazy!. My wedding will probably have as many people as you would have at any one time in the bathrooms...haha.

We have some friends from Arkansas and their wedding was also HUGE! I couldn''t believe it, they said they pretty much had to invite the entire town..hehe

M~

 

[Mandarine]

I hope you''re not expected to take pics and talked to everyone...hehe

M~

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/26/2007 4:28:23 PM
Author: Mandarine
OMG Sumbride!!!!!!!!!!!! and you DIY your invitations????

I don't know 530 people! hahaha....wow, that's crazy!. My wedding will probably have as many people as you would have at any one time in the bathrooms...haha.

We have some friends from Arkansas and their wedding was also HUGE! I couldn't believe it, they said they pretty much had to invite the entire town..hehe

M~

That's pretty much the reasoning my parents are using.

All the printing of my invitations was done for me by the invitation company, but I had to do all the folding and assembly, so it may as well have been DIY. I wish I'd done it like Ephemery did it, where they even stamped them for her, but the budget didn't allow me to have that AND hydrangeas... and I wanted the hydrangeas!!!

oh, and sorry for the threadjack!

 

[AsscherGirl]

I am not from the "cover your plate" crowd either. I try to give a generous gift and more to those that are especially close to me, but if someone chooses to spend $300 a person on their wedding, there is no way I can afford to give that back (unfortunately $300 a person is not totally crazy whacked out insane in NJ - just extravagant).

I am getting married in September and I am fully aware there will be very few people who CAN cover their plate at our wedding. Between our just out of college friends and the 80+ crowd, they make up almost 20% of our guest list! I am not concerned about this - sure the money is nice and if we can get back what we put in, that''s FABULOUS, but I''m not expecting anything from anyone. I invited people to come and have fun, and the amount of their gift is not that important to me.

Sum - I can''t imagine 530 couples. I had to limit my parents, but I think their max. number was like 200 on their own! I went to a wedding recently and there was 400 people there. I can''t imagine it being twice that size! You are brave!!!!!

 

[Fancy605]

I''ve always heard the "cost of the reception" thing as a ball park figure---but it doesn''t work around here. I have had friends who had $3000 weddings and then some who had $30,000 weddings. I pretty much treated them the same gift wise.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/26/2007 3:41:13 PM
Author: Mara
well me personally, i just flat out love gifts, esp ones i really want! so i was happy to get anything from my registry or a great gift from someone who knew us well. other than that, i don''t really remember too much about our gifts except the really random ones OR really extravagant ones OR ones i really wanted. aka one of the random gifts was from a friend who gave us a $10 crate and barrel picnic backpack...i was like uhh thanks...it''s in lime green too. we have never used it. i felt like it was an afterthought or something she had laying around. we don''t ever picnic either. now she is getting married and i have spent more on her engagement party gift than she spent on our wedding gift and i''ll spend more than that on the actual wedding gift. and on the flip side, a member of greg''s family who we have never even met gave us 2 sets of our china which was like $250 total and they didn''t come to the wedding or anything.

It''s too bad you can''t just pack up that backpack..."We loved ours so much, we thought you should have one, too!"

This whole "pay for your plate" thing sounds nuts! Wow...but I''m a newbie at attending weddings, so it makes sense I''d never heard of it. BF and I are headed to a wedding next month, and if we had to cover our plates....oooooh boy. I would have had to decline the invite (which really would have made me sad)!

 

[Maisie]

I''m sorry - and I know I probably look totally ignorant asking (blame my englishness lol!) but what does it mean to cover the cost of your plate?

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 6/26/2007 4:58:17 PM
Author: princesss

It's too bad you can't just pack up that backpack...'We loved ours so much, we thought you should have one, too!'

This whole 'pay for your plate' thing sounds nuts! Wow...but I'm a newbie at attending weddings, so it makes sense I'd never heard of it. BF and I are headed to a wedding next month, and if we had to cover our plates....oooooh boy. I would have had to decline the invite (which really would have made me sad)!

to compound the problem, though, under traditional etiquette it is my understanding that you're supposed to send a gift even if you decline. this is why i think the cost of the wedding is a poor measure of what makes an appropriate gift. to me, it is sending a message that if you're going to show up, you'd better have enough money to pay your way, and if not, you should stay home but get us a gift anyway, but we'll be okay if your gift isn't as expensive. not really what weddings are supposed to be about. more like a charity/political dinner if you ask me.

then again, i'd be disappointed to get something like the picnic backpack (that i wouldn't use and seemed like an afterthought) regardless of whether it cost $10 or $100. maybe that's just me, though. i thought that the funny, but heartfelt present firstbase described in another thread (hand-decorated used pillowcases and frames from an elderly relative) was quite sweet.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/26/2007 5:04:42 PM
Author: Maisie
I''m sorry - and I know I probably look totally ignorant asking (blame my englishness lol!) but what does it mean to cover the cost of your plate?

Not at all...it''s something that seems to have cropped up in the past number of years especially in New York and New Jersey. The idea is that when you go to a wedding you should literally "pay for your plate", by giving the B&G a present (or cash) that equals the amount the B&G spent per head at the wedding.

But it''s more like a rule of thumb in some social circles, and it''s certainly not the norm everywhere.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/26/2007 5:23:57 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 6/26/2007 5:04:42 PM
Author: Maisie
I''m sorry - and I know I probably look totally ignorant asking (blame my englishness lol!) but what does it mean to cover the cost of your plate?

Not at all...it''s something that seems to have cropped up in the past number of years especially in New York and New Jersey. The idea is that when you go to a wedding you should literally ''pay for your plate'', by giving the B&G a present (or cash) that equals the amount the B&G spent per head at the wedding.

But it''s more like a rule of thumb in some social circles, and it''s certainly not the norm everywhere.

Aaah thankyou for that. I had no idea that happens. I don''t think we do that here - mind you I don''t go to that many weddings! I wish I did though - I love them!

 

[Pandora II]

I tend to spend around £50 on a wedding gift - although normally it''s something that costs more but I have found at a bargain price. I also rarely buy off the gift registry.

When I add up costs for travel, overnight accommodation and a new hat, weddings are pretty expensive anyway! The tickets for my FBIL''s wedding have cost over $1000 each and that''s before hotels, eating etc. FI and I have good salaries but we couldn''t afford the price-per-plate for both of us as a gift on top of that.

I find it a bit odd to weigh up what you spend a head and then what people give you. Personally I really wouldn''t care a jot if we get no wedding presents at all - I''m more interested in having a good day with people we like. FI and I have pretty much everything we need anyway!

I think it''s even more odd if you are hoping to cover the wedding costs - just do something more affordable.

 

[So_happy]

The problem with the "pay for your plate" guideline for me is..........how the heck does one KNOW the cost per plate anyway?????????

This boggles my mind.

Is it a matter of trying to approximate based on venue and maybe time of day? Because that information is given on an invitation and it may indicate formality and by extension food costs?

I mean, what if a couple chooses a top notch caterer but has it in a venue that''s not so top-notch? (as in, they valued food quality over venue in thier budget)? Do you go to that wedding, expecting to give, I dunno....$50..... and then when you realize you are being served a 5 course meal including Filet and an intermezzo sorbet you scram to the car to rewrite the check??

 

[surfgirl]

neatfreak, as a Jersey girl born and bred, I wouldn''t say that the pay for your plate concept is one I am remotely familiar with. Perhaps a certain group of people operate like this but I''ve never heard this amongst my friends or my parents friends. It''s a bit tacky, IMO. Buy a gift based on what you can afford and how close you are to the couple. For example, I have a cousin that''s getting married and we never keep in touch and I haven''t seen him in about 11 years. I''m not planning on going to his wedding (too expensive) and I wouldn''t spend more than $50. on him. Why should I if we have almost no relationship? Now my good friends, I''ll spend what I can afford on them because I''m much closer to them. I got my best friend an antique crystal vase for her wedding gift, something she still has in a place of honor in her home. I''d never usually buy something off a registry for a very close friend since I prefer to get unusual gifts that someone wouldn''t splurge on for themselves. Like a gorgeous vase because who couldn''t use a good vase?

 

[HappyAnniversary]

When I lived in Boston 20 years ago, I attended two weddings of co-workers. When I started discussing wedding gifts, they realized I was ignorant of their ways-- I was told you had to at least pay for your plate, and at that time it was about $50 per person so I dutifully wrote the check for $100. As we were talking one girl told the sad story of giving the $50 gift and then finding out (too late) that it was more of a "cheap Baptist wedding" and only had mints, nuts and cake at a reception at the church and she was mad! (I guess she wanted to scramble for the check to re-write it for $15.00? or maybe cake costs less maybe $10?

Don''t take offense at the Cheap Baptist wedding remark--I didn''t make it up--that is how they described MY wedding when I told them all about the cake, mints, nuts and punch--and nothing else at my reception.

 

[kimberlina13]

I love this topic! When I was adding things to my registries, I felt so bad if it was over 60, thinking that there was no way that anyone would be willing to spend that kind of cash on my wedding. But everyone I talked to said, you''d be surprised at what people are willing to spring for...so I went back and put a Dyson on there! Hehe, and I will state now that if someone ends up getting me that, I will vacuum THEIR house every week! But my parents are the worst! They always say, oh that guest won''t show up, but send them an invite so they''ll send you a nice present! Sheesh!