Wedding Invitations questions... plus a rant

[Blue824]

What do you do when you get one that doesnt include your long time bf...

...because this is the first time I''ve ever experienced this.

I''d understand if it was a small wedding, but it''ll be like 300 people. Also, the bride knows him. When she emailed me for my current address she asked how we were doing and what he was up to and all that jazz. I have to say, that I''m pretty hurt by this! He & I have been dating seriously for the past four and a half years and I feel that at this point it shouldn''t even be questioned. I''d never think of excluding someones long term boyfriend.

Has anyone else had that happen?? Am I being too sensitive about this? Its an out of town wedding and I wouldn''t want to go by myself

She & I used to be very close. Last year she invited me to an event that was very important to her so I booked a trip, and about a week and a half before the event she changed the date. I couldn''t change my trip/airfare so I could no longer attend. Even though I called and apologized, said I''d like to see her when I was in town for the originally booked trip, emailed her, sent a card, there was no response and I was made to feel like a horrible person! A few months later she called to tell me they had set a date and how she missed being my friend and all this stuff, so we made plans for the next time I was going to be in her city visiting other friends. When that time came, the plans were canceled on me very last minute. So since early September we hadn''t spoken at all. To months ago there was an email for my address, about the wedding and catching up. She never responded to mine though. I expected an invitation, but when one didn''t come a few weeks ago, when most of my friends were getting invites for other Memorial Day events, I assumed that since we really hadn''t had a good relationship over the past year that I had been cut from the list, and I was totally ok with that because I know my attendance at her wedding wouldn''t improve anything. Then I got an invite TODAY for a wedding in appx 3 weeks with an RSVP date for with in the 6 days. The hotel block expires then too.

So I guess I''m annoyed on many levels... mostly because the events before the wedding stuff, then how I''ve been given no time to decide on whether or not I can handle dropping all that money on attending her wedding (airfare is pretty pricey for the holiday weekend), and that my bf wasn''t invited to attend along with me and just the events of the past year in general.

I guess I feel guilty not attending because she used to be a good friend, and I truly am happy for her and her fiance...but we are no longer good friends. I don''t even know if I''d say friend anymore. Is it horrible if I don''t go? Would I just write a personal reply that says no? Would I write a reply and send it along with a gift? Or do I suck it up and go by myself. My bf thinks I should just write two on the "guests attending" section of the RSVP and show up with him, but I don''t want to respond with more rudeness. Or maybe I''m just reading too much into this and being offended by things I shouldn''t be offended by because I''ve just in general been really irritable working ridiculously long hours at work lately and maybe I just need a reality check from PSers.

Thanks for reading...sorry it was so lengthy!

 

[monarch64]

After reading your post, I''m wondering if she also feels that the two of you have "drifted apart," and was extending you some sort of "courtesy" invitation? I hate the way that sounds, but I just wonder if she has the same opinion you do about the friendship and is trying to cover her bases. While she did ask about your relationship with your BF (who she knows), she could just be being polite. It sounds like she thinks you won''t come but is offering you an invite anyway.

I could be totally off base here. But if I were in your position, I''d be a little insulted and even if I could get over that, I still would not attend her wedding. My DH and I carefully considered who we were inviting, and were very conscious of not hurting anyone''s feelings. Some brides/grooms don''t go that far, though. I don''t think you''re crazy at all in feeling a bit miffed that the bride took time to recognize your relationship via phone, but turned around and didn''t explicitly invite him. And given the past history, I can definitely understand your quandry.

I don''t know what to tell you to do. If it were me, I think I''d send them a gift and my best wishes, and be done with it...hope this helps.

 

[diamondfan]

I agree with Monarch. Just by what you say, it seems like you have more than pulled your weight in the frienship and she is just not reciprocating. Maybe the invite got lost, who knows? But, you want to bring your longstanding boyfriend, not just any old date. You are not asking too much. You are supposed to incur travel costs and travel alone, and she is not being very warm or considerate to you. I agree you should just send a gift. On the card I would write something like sorry I could not attend.. and sign it from both you and your boyfriend! (just to drive the message home a bit, snarky I know but hey, she is bringing it on by not having the courtesy to include your guy!!!)

 

[Blue824]

Date: 4/30/2006 12:10:30 AM
Author: monarch64
After reading your post, I''m wondering if she also feels that the two of you have ''drifted apart,'' and was extending you some sort of ''courtesy'' invitation? I hate the way that sounds, but I just wonder if she has the same opinion you do about the friendship and is trying to cover her bases. While she did ask about your relationship with your BF (who she knows), she could just be being polite. It sounds like she thinks you won''t come but is offering you an invite anyway.

I could be totally off base here. But if I were in your position, I''d be a little insulted and even if I could get over that, I still would not attend her wedding. My DH and I carefully considered who we were inviting, and were very conscious of not hurting anyone''s feelings. Some brides/grooms don''t go that far, though. I don''t think you''re crazy at all in feeling a bit miffed that the bride took time to recognize your relationship via phone, but turned around and didn''t explicitly invite him. And given the past history, I can definitely understand your quandry.

I don''t know what to tell you to do. If it were me, I think I''d send them a gift and my best wishes, and be done with it...hope this helps.

No, I don''t think you''re off base... I''m thinking it is more of a courtesy too, she probably feels like she should.... but its just sort of like why even bother if you''re sending it so last minute anyway? And to not include him really did hurt and it is just confusing to me.

Part of me misses her as my friend, because we really did get along well before she got weird when I didn''t rearrange my life for her thing Jan 05 to book another airfare for another trip, and so I''m like well if she has invited me and I go, that could maybe repair things, but realistically we''re in two totally different parts of the country and its not really something I see either of us working toward.

I think its just that me saying no will probably be the final contact and its hard for me to choose to be the ender of everything, if that makes sense... Because this wasn''t something that I chose for our friendship. But yeah, I''m thinking I''ll just end up sending a gift... Oh well...

 

[Blue824]

Date: 4/30/2006 12:15:41 AM
Author: diamondfan
I agree with Monarch. Just by what you say, it seems like you have more than pulled your weight in the frienship and she is just not reciprocating. Maybe the invite got lost, who knows? But, you want to bring your longstanding boyfriend, not just any old date. You are not asking too much. You are supposed to incur travel costs and travel alone, and she is not being very warm or considerate to you. I agree you should just send a gift. On the card I would write something like sorry I could not attend.. and sign it from both you and your boyfriend! (just to drive the message home a bit, snarky I know but hey, she is bringing it on by not having the courtesy to include your guy!!!)

Hehee I was thinking of doing that, having something like, saying he says congratulations too.
The invite did come through the mail pretty beat up (i think they chose the wrong envelopes and the invite was pretty thick) so at first I thought perhaps it did get lost...but then I checked the postmark, nope!

I guess I knew what my decision should be, and I just needed to hear an outside opinion to confirm.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 4/30/2006 12:21:14 AM
Author: Blue824

Date: 4/30/2006 12:10:30 AM
Author: monarch64
After reading your post, I''m wondering if she also feels that the two of you have ''drifted apart,'' and was extending you some sort of ''courtesy'' invitation? I hate the way that sounds, but I just wonder if she has the same opinion you do about the friendship and is trying to cover her bases. While she did ask about your relationship with your BF (who she knows), she could just be being polite. It sounds like she thinks you won''t come but is offering you an invite anyway.

I could be totally off base here. But if I were in your position, I''d be a little insulted and even if I could get over that, I still would not attend her wedding. My DH and I carefully considered who we were inviting, and were very conscious of not hurting anyone''s feelings. Some brides/grooms don''t go that far, though. I don''t think you''re crazy at all in feeling a bit miffed that the bride took time to recognize your relationship via phone, but turned around and didn''t explicitly invite him. And given the past history, I can definitely understand your quandry.

I don''t know what to tell you to do. If it were me, I think I''d send them a gift and my best wishes, and be done with it...hope this helps.

No, I don''t think you''re off base... I''m thinking it is more of a courtesy too, she probably feels like she should.... but its just sort of like why even bother if you''re sending it so last minute anyway? And to not include him really did hurt and it is just confusing to me.

Part of me misses her as my friend, because we really did get along well before she got weird when I didn''t rearrange my life for her thing Jan 05 to book another airfare for another trip, and so I''m like well if she has invited me and I go, that could maybe repair things, but realistically we''re in two totally different parts of the country and its not really something I see either of us working toward.

I think its just that me saying no will probably be the final contact and its hard for me to choose to be the ender of everything, if that makes sense... Because this wasn''t something that I chose for our friendship. But yeah, I''m thinking I''ll just end up sending a gift... Oh well...

Blue, I think it is sad to lose a friend. But the reality is people do drift and your lives are in different phases now, plus you live farther away. It just seems to me that she is not being a great friend. You can grieve for it, but sometimes something is just done and that is the truth. Of course, there does not have to be a big confrontation, and the door is always open for a reconnection, but just know, now if this is where things stand, it is okay. You will be okay. I would make sure the card says ... blank (your guy''s name) and I wish you all the happiness...sorry we missed your big day...I am bad, I know...

 

[Blenheim]

I agree with the others. It seems like this relationship has been a lot of work on your part with little reciprocation, so at some point you might want to evaluate how much more work you''re willing to put into it and at what point you''d feel comfortable just drifting apart. It might be nice for you to attend her wedding, but you have no obligation to do so and it seems as though it would be a lot of expense and effort on your part. In your situation, I''d probably send my regrets and best wishes, perhaps with a gift. And I''d have my boyfriend sign the card.

To answer your original question, I think that invitations are supposed to be extended to couples rather than individuals if the couple is married, engaged, or living together. Of course, it''s always nice to extend an invitation to their SO regardless, but I don''t think it''s necessary. I can see why you''re upset, but try to take the high road. Don''t RSVP that two are coming and don''t both show up.

Hang in there.

 

[monarch64]

Blue, by "ending up sending a gift" you are not ending the friendship. I''ve had several frienships with college roommates, high school friends, etc., where this same kind of thing went on because we were in entirely different places, geographically and in our lives, period. Just because you don''t actually attend her wedding does not mean that someday you can''t pick up right where you left off years ago. That is the beautiful thing about frienship--no matter the distance of miles, or where you are at in your lives, a good friendship will always last. I have a few examples that I won''t bore you with, but it can happen!

That being said, the bride potentially assumes that you may not be able to make the wedding. Perhaps this is why she left your S.O.''s name off the invite? That would explain why she asked after him in the phone call but didn''t put his name on the invitation. What do you think?

 

[Mara]

just a bit of a different take on it but i do think you may be overreacting just a wee bit.

i say this because on a few of our own invites where i knew that so and so was dating someone serious, i didn't include their name on the invitation because i couldn't remember the spelling of the last name of the guy, or wasn't sure really what the deal was (aka with how to address or whatever...i was totally not into learning the etiquette involved with addressing invites)...and just wanted to get it out the door and into the mail!! i figured well the invite is addressed to my close friend, the one that i know, and the 'guest' can be whoever she wants, obviously the BF is the typical choice but who knows.

anyway...i didnt have any of my friends be offended by it at all and i know in the past i would get things addressed to just me and guest or whatever while we were dating and it didn't bother me. there could be alot of reasons why someone would not address an invite to you and a boyfriend....i wouldn't necessarily just see it as a potential 'slight'. but again you do know the relationship between you and this friend and maybe there is more to it, but maybe not.

just another perspective. i think that the other part of the scenario where you two have drifted and all that....it's hard to lose a good friend, i have kind of had that same situation with a long-time friend and have struggled with how to deal with it sometimes. it's hard to accept change. i would never have not attended her wedding or not sent a gift or whatever though, i tend to try to respect the positive history that i have with people, and think about how i would like to be treated even if others in our lives are not always that respectful. hope that makes some sense, its really late and i'm rambling!!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I am going to have to agree with Mara on this one more or less. Maybe I am missing something but I am not understanding how she didn''t invite your BF. Is it just that she sent you and invite, addressed specifically to you? I am assuming you can bring a guest? In which case I don''t think she didn''t invite him. Also do you two live together? If not it doesn''t make sense to include him in the address to me. If you can''t go then don''t but if you and your boy can I don''t see why you shouldn''t. I understand there have been some slights in the past it seems like, but try to put it past you, put on a fresh face, and try to build back what you once had by attending her wedding with full happiness. Thats just my thoughts tho and I know I don''t have the whoel story etc. Good luck!

 

[Blue824]

The ivite was just to me. He never received one at his apt. While we are young and haven''t had massive numbers of weddings under our belt... in our experience our friends have always gone out of their way to make sure that we know we''re invited with our SO''s by finding out their names and the correct spellings and their addresses. Sometimes we receive individual invites and other times its "and guest" and other times it has been both names on one invite even though we don''t live together. Actually., even invitations she''s given us in the past have always clearly shown that it was for the two of us, or sent to each of us...AND! he saw a few people this weekend and was at their places and noticed the invites hanging up in the kitchens and noted that they were all invited with a guest even though they haven''t been dating people seriously since we''ve met them! So the courtesy was extended to them, but not us. Plus, while he was out of town, they ran into each other at a party and she was incredibly rude in person to him.

Originally I looked at her talking about inviting me, a couple months ago, as sort of an olive branch to fix things because she wanted me there, but I guess not! And as soon as I got it I knew it was an after thought after she had received a few Nos.

I can never really explain how our relationship was to people that don''t really know us, but even after this weekend my bf was like there''s no way we''re going! I know there are details and specifics that I didn''t share, and maybe my situation wasn''t even something that I should''ve posted a rant about... but it really did bother me last night that she''d even bother sending an invite knowing that she didn''t want me there. Just seemed like mixed messages.

Anyway, I guess I knew what my decision should be, but I needed to vent about it and just get it off my chest because the way she''s been lately has really bothered me. Sorry if that doesnt convey very well over what I''ve shared! So it doesnt really matter anymore cuz we''ve made our decision.

 

[diamondfan]

Blue, I am not trying to overanalyze BUT, on the phone, if she were unsure of how his name was spelled, etc, she could have asked. She could have emailed you as well. She could have sent the invite right to him since you two do not live together. Lastly, she could have have put ..."and guest" on your invite if she was not sure. This is not difficult. She knows you two have been together a long time (longer than some marriages I hate to point out) and whether it was an oversight or on purpose, it has left you feeling a bit upset. The relationship has been sliding a bit in the past, so I cannot speak to her motives but maybe she is still a bit upset about the time you could not get there, due to her changing the date. In my humble opinion, if she was sending out the olive branch, he should be included PERIOD. I think, by sending a gift and a nice note, signed with both of your names, you are taking the high road in terms of not blowing uip at her and not closing the door on the friendship permanently. Maybe it is just a bad time for her, having nothing to do with you. Who knows? But if being her friend right now is all give on your part, there is nothing wrong with takiing a step back. If the friendship is truly strong in the long run, I think you will find your way back to each other later on...

 

[jesterjigger]

If it didn''t even include an and guest then I wouldn''t bother going. Just send your regrets. She should have known better.

 

[ilovesparkles]

OK it makes more sense now. So the invite didn''t even say you and a guest? Sorry to do a 180 on you but I misunderstood. That is very rude I would agree! I thought those always included and one guest? Weird. Obviously I know nothing about invitations. I just don''t want you to be upset by my last post if it sounded like I was making you out to be the bad person because clearly you are not and I wanted to apologize if my post seemed rude! And as far as the topic of your rant, I wouldn''t worry about that at all. We all have things we just need to get off our chest no matter what and this seemed totally appropriate!

 

[blueroses]

I have had this sort of thing happen too--both with hurtful invitation omissions and lopsided friendships drifting--and it sucks. Bottom line is that a bride can always write "and guest" if she chooses to. I really doubt this is about name spelling (my bf has a weird name and we have had plenty of brides specifically ask how to properly spell, etc. On the occasions when I''ve flaked about replying about this, the invitation has come to me AND GUEST. Not just me, unless it was meant to be just me.)

I know numbers and budgets can be tight, but it sounds like she grew used to you doing more than your share in the friendship and when you--perfectly reasonably--weren''t able to reschedule your trip, she probably was miffed.

It sucks, and it hurts, but after 4 1/2 years if she can ask about your bf on the phone and in e-mails and not include him as a part of your life on the guest list (she certainly wouldn''t exclude him if he were your husband, even if you''d been together mere months), then I think you should send a gift and politely decline. And if you feel like it, there would be nothing wrong with having the card come from you BOTH. The fact that she totally blew you off when you came to town the "wrong" weekend (her fault!!) makes me really feel like you''ve done your part already.

((HUGS))

 

[Mara]

oh there was no ''and guest'' on it? i put and guest on all of mine for single people even if i knew they were dating or not. and i really was too lazy to ask about spelling on a few names

...honestly that was the last thing on my mind when i was trying to get my invites out. but i did do the and guest at least!

 

[Blue824]

Date: 4/30/2006 6:00:22 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
OK it makes more sense now. So the invite didn''t even say you and a guest? Sorry to do a 180 on you but I misunderstood. That is very rude I would agree! I thought those always included and one guest? Weird. Obviously I know nothing about invitations. I just don''t want you to be upset by my last post if it sounded like I was making you out to be the bad person because clearly you are not and I wanted to apologize if my post seemed rude! And as far as the topic of your rant, I wouldn''t worry about that at all. We all have things we just need to get off our chest no matter what and this seemed totally appropriate!

Hehee don''t worry, I didn''t think anyone was being rude to me. I reread and realized I may have been unclear. And hell, sometimes I need someone to tell me if I am being off target and I tried to take a step back and look at the situation again and reevaluate... so it was good, but I still ended up with the same conclusion.

Thanks to everyone for listening to my rant

 

[froufrou]

this sort of happened to me once..but the girl and I had been friends for a long time. I had gone to her wedding shower and everything too. She invited me specifically without guest to a wedding when she knew I had been together with my boyfriend longer than she had been with her fiance... also it was 3 hour drive away and I was not going to know anyone there except her and also my ex-boyfriend from High school who I hadn''t talked to for 6 years and who i wasnt exactly eager to spend the evening hanging out with.

at first i thought maybe it just didnt say "and guest" but was assumed since she knew about my boyfriend, so i called and asked but she said "sorry, no, its a very small wedding". so I was trying to figure out what to do because I didnt really want to stay overnight in a hotel because i was in college and sort of poor, but i also didnt want to drive 6 hours in one day (because i hate hate driving and I fall asleep if i drive too long..) so she suggested I could stay overnight at her house the night before anda that way i wouldn''t have to drive there and back on the same day,which was nice of her, but then she said the rehersal dinner was that night so id have to just hang out by myself at her parents'' house while they all went, so I was thinking that was stupid.

what i ended up doing was I just went to the ceremony and had my boyfriend come along and sit in the car for 30 minutes and then afterword i we both went to Chicago to hang out with some mutual friends. At the ceremony , EVERY SINGLE PERSON besides me and my ex from high school had been invited with a guest. then when my ex found out i wasn''t going to the reception he decided not to go either (he had actually driven 7 hours for this) and drove home.

i think she was trying to set me back up with my ex ??? it was really weird. when i get married i plan to invite her sans husband...HAHA. actually im planing to put "and guest" on everyone''s , i think you should especially if you know they aren''t going to know anyone but you. on hindsight i woulda just sent a gift and not gone at all.

 

[FireGoddess]

The timing of the call and the invite make it seem as though you were a ''second tier guest'' - meaning, she got some ''no''s back on her invites and could invite some other people - hence the invite to you 3 weeks before the wedding and 6 days before the RSVP date. That she didn''t even add ''and guest'' shows her lack of grace and frankly, I would not only not attend, but my gift wouldn''t be on the top 10 list of gifts I''ve ever given. It doesn''t seem like a friendship worth the time to continue cultivating....

 

[sk8rjen]

What''s up with "friends" lately? geez. I''m frankly surprised that people here are suggesting you decline and send a gift. I understand that it hard to let friendships go, but this one sounds gone already. I''d send a regret --- *maybe* a card -- no gift!!!!!!!!!!! -- and stay home.
I know you said your mind was made up on whether or not you go, but she doesn''t seem like someone that deserved much consideration at this point. I''d probably see that invite as a chance for her to get more gifts without the "hassle" of more guests. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I got a bad vibe off of this.

Let''s all hug a *good* friend today and be thankful for them!
jen

 

[diamondfan]

Frou, first, she sounds like she is not too nice! But, aren''t OUT OF TOWN guests sush as you were, supposed to be invited to things like rehearsal dinners?! Hi, go sit in my HOUSE while we all have dinner after you drive 3 hours?!!! Second, to Jen, I am not saying send a lavish gift. Just a little something, to show she is taking the high road in the situation. I can only image if they were to get back in touch later, it would be a bone of contention that she had not sent a gift...people remember that stuff and it irks them, right or wrong. Again maybe this girl is not great friend material any more for some reason, but still, why not send a little thing like a picture frame or a cook book, and leave it at that...can''t hurt to be the bigger on here...