Wedding is in 18 days...VENT VENT VENT!!!!!

[littlelysser]

Okay. I''m irate.

So, wedding is in 18 days.

Things are pretty much set. Backyard bbq, super-chilled out wedding. 59 people. Small.

My younger sister, who got married in 2004 and divorced in 2005, is going to be standing up for me/maid of honor type, as much as I''m having one...

So, my sister gets her invite and asks if she can bring not just one friend with her, but two. I say okay...although frankly I don''t know EITHER of them very well.

Last night - 18 days before the wedding - my sister calls and asks if it is okay if her friend brings her boyfriend and her baby. The boyfriend, apparently, wants to come too. ALTHOUGH I HAVE NEVER FREAKING MET HIM!!!!!!!! So yeah.

My small intimate wedding is now going to be attended by one dude I''ve never met, his baby, and two of my sister''s friends I don''t even like.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Of course, my sis said that if I didn''t want the boyfriend and the baby to come, they could just chill out in the hotel room while my sis and her friends were at the wedding. Like I''d insist that they do that.

I am so farking annoyed.

Admittedly, my sister had a big old wedding when she got married and invited several of my friends to the wedding. However, these were all people she has known for 10-15 years...and she had like 250 people at her wedding.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I AM SO ANNOYED!

 

[decodelighted]

Are there going to be any other babies there? FAMILY babies? ... If not, then I''d split the difference. Say the boyfriend can come but they''d have to find a sitter for the baby because

You do not want your vows etc ruined by a screaming stranger baby. It would be one thing for a FAMILY baby to, um, "interrupt". That''s the breaks. That''s a memory. A STRANGE BABY toted along for kicks AIN''T COOL.

One strange dude -- you won''t even notice. Honestly. There were a couple crazies my Mom invited at the last minute and I barely registered them because so much is going on.

But a STRANGE BABY

I''m sorry -- no freakin way. Babysitters are available. Nursing schools, day care centers whatever. The BABY isn''t going to appreciate the wedding. It''s purely for the convenince and $$ savings of people you don''t want ANYWAY!!!!!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I really feel you on this one, Little. We tried so hard to keep our guest liist down to fewer than 50 people. We only wanted those people who were closest to us, we wanted for it to feel small and intimate.

The same thing is happening to us--our relatives assumed other relatives/friends were invited and now those people are wondering why they never got an invitation (Um, I don''t know, BECAUSE I"VE NEVER MET YOU, MAYBE?!) and they all assume they are invited. I think you either have to put your foot down and say "No" even if people think you are crotchety and mean or the whole "small wedding" thing goes out the door. We have 10 additional people who want to come to our 43-person wedding and while it''s easy to think "it''s only 10 people", it expands our guest list by 20 - 25% and changes the feeling of the wedding. Sorry, I''m venting a little, too.

My first instinct is to tell you to tell your MOH that you cannot accommodate all of those additional guests, especially on such short notice. I think that is very reasonable and she should be very understanding. But I also know what a predicament you''re in because I''m in the same boat and am having a hard time taking my own advice. I sort of feel like I''m throwing up my hands because I''m tired of worrying about it.

My issue is that most of the additional guests are my FI''s family (cousins he barely knows), so I feel bad telling them they can''t come. My side of the family will be travelling to the East Coast for the wedding and we are providing their accommodations, which are on-site. My aunt and uncle are bringing some family friends for a small vacation and wanted to invite them to the wedding (GRRRR) and I told them that they could come to the reception, but they''d probably feel out of place in the ceremony because it is so small. Maybe you could do something similar?

 

[musey]

What a mess!! Your sister sounds like she is not great at picking up hints, yeah?

You could try sitting down with her and, calmly, explaining the kind of atmosphere you''re dreaming about for your wedding. It is absolutely not fair of her to tack people on to SUCH an intimate wedding!

Our idea, from the beginning, was to have every guest in attendance be one that is important to the lives of me/fi/both, and his parents didn''t "get" that until we point blank told them. FI''s mom was trying to add guests that neither of us had ever met, just because they had invited her to their daughter''s wedding or something ridiculous like that. We''re planning for 85 guests--no room for "extras"!

My point being that, it took nothing less than "M, this is our wedding, and we won''t be comfortable unless the guests include (and ONLY include) those that are important to us. It''s not that there won''t be space or budget for add-ons, it''s that add-ons don''t fit our idea of our wedding day."

Maybe something like that could help? I''m sorry you''ve had to deal with this!

 

[littlelysser]

Yeah. Still annoyed!!!

Deco - there are going to be other kids there. A number of my close friends are coming in from outside the state and I''ve never gotten to meet their new babies...so there will be other babies there. But those are babies I want to meet! Or little kids that I already know and totally love. Not random baby and the baby daddy of one of my sister''s random friends that I don''t even like! But I guess you are right. I probably won''t even notice. But that doesn''t mean I''m not ALL fired up about it right now!!!!!

NEL - I''m sorry you are in my same situation. We purposefully only invited the people that we really love and want to be there. No cousins, no great aunts...very small and very close friends ONLY! And yet, my sister just totally doesn''t get it. And it''d be one thing if she was just my MOH...unfortunately, she''s also my sister...I have a bad feeling that denying her request would lead to a much drama...which I think would be worse than having random dude and random baby at the wedding. Anyway, it really shouldn''t be THAT hard for people to understand that you have invited who you''ve invited for a reason. Ya know? Feh.

Musey - My sister tends to be a bit dramatic and, um, entitled. I don''t think it would end well if I told her that they couldn''t come...she already knows it is going to be a small wedding. She already knows that I''m not inviting ANY cousins - even ones that I''m close with - because that opens the door to having to invite ALL the cousins...ya know? She gets it, I just don''t think she cares. And apparently is quite concerned about having fun with her friends at my wedding.

Feh.

In case you haven''t noticed, my sister and I, well, we''ve got some issues. If issues were tissues, we''d be a value pack. But that, my friends, is whole other thread. A whole other board, really!

 

[musey]

Date: 8/14/2007 12:18:33 PM
Author: littlelysser
Musey - My sister tends to be a bit dramatic and, um, entitled. I don''t think it would end well if I told her that they couldn''t come...she already knows it is going to be a small wedding. She already knows that I''m not inviting ANY cousins - even ones that I''m close with - because that opens the door to having to invite ALL the cousins...ya know? She gets it, I just don''t think she cares. And apparently is quite concerned about having fun with her friends at my wedding.

Ugh, what a bummer! It''s quite selfish of her, IMO. Would it be so hard to have fun with family instead of random friends?

Sorry I''m not much of a mood-booster

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/14/2007 12:18:33 PM
Author: littlelysser

We purposefully only invited the people that we really love and want to be there. No cousins, no great aunts...very small and very close friends ONLY!

Musey - My sister tends to be a bit dramatic and, um, entitled. I don''t think it would end well if I told her that they couldn''t come...she already knows it is going to be a small wedding. She already knows that I''m not inviting ANY cousins - even ones that I''m close with - because that opens the door to having to invite ALL the cousins...ya know? She gets it, I just don''t think she cares. And apparently is quite concerned about having fun with her friends at my wedding.

What I''m going to say will sound very blunt, but it''s honestly meant to help.

I think the reason that your sister ''tends to be dramatic'' is because it WORKS for her......she gets her way because people find it ''easier'' to sacrifice their own wants than to put up with her poor behavior when she''s denied.

As long as people continue to do that, she will continue to behave this way.

I can understand letting it go for any other ''everyday'' type of event (family BBQ, reunion, birthday), but seriously? NOT for your own wedding.

If you didn''t really care one way or the other, I could see where it would make sense to say ''well, hey, the more the merrier and we don''t really mind, so sure---why not?" But that''s *not* the case.

With expressed intent, with PURPOSE, you specifically chose to invite only a select group of people. That tells me it''s very important to you to have the wedding the way you envisioned. Your goal is an intimate gathering with people you''re close to.

It would be nice if she cared about what you want, that''s true. But, on the other hand, it''s hard to expect others to care about what''s important to you if you aren''t passionate enough to take a firm position yourself.

I''ll agree; it''s not easy, and I know from first-hand experience. My wedding was 29 people, and we invited only immediate family (parents, the one grandma, and sibs). We didn''t invite extended family, and we only invited a handful of friends. Like you, we purposefuly crafted our invite list with the same goal as yours---an intimate wedding to be shared only with those *close* to us.

Our decision wasn''t especially popular with two people.....and those two people had to get over it. I was only getting married once, and I refused to spend the rest of my life regretting caving on something so important.

 

[decodelighted]

Welllll ... if there are other babies then I guess I''d probably chill about it. I''d be mad (as you are) for a few days but would try not to stew & eventually probably forget about it!

BELIEVE ME -- more stuff to think about is coming

.

On a personal note -- your sister may be having a rough time w/you getting married so soon after her brief union/divorce. Having friends "in her court" may really destress the situation & make things w/her *easier*. My own former therapist suggested I take a "friend date" to my younger sister''s wedding (when I was feeling old & lonely & gloomy -- and didn''t have a boyfriend to take). The moral support made a world of difference. Can you look at it THAT way? Not like she doesn''t love you or that the wedding isn''t about YOU GUYS ... but that it can be a hard time for people *personally* even if they''re happy for YOU. (And even if they won''t admit the *real* reason for wanting support ... it''s easier to say I want friends to party with yanno?

)

 

[aljdewey]

IF your sister seriously thinks your marriage is "so soon" after her divorce.......she needs a reality check! HELLO.....it''s been TWO YEARS since her divorce.......longer than her marriage lasted! And because it didn''t end well, that should somehow translate to you being obligated to invite RANDOM STRANGERS to your wedding? Nah.

GEESH. Yeah, that''s it. Let''s worry about moral support for the sister of the bride, whose mental anguish is far more important than the bride''s wishes for her day.....yanno, just a ''minor'' player in the whole day.

I''ll bet that baby is gonna be just a *wealth* of ''moral support''....not.

Your sister is an adult.....so it''s not unreasonable to expect her to set aside focusing on herself for a FEW SHORT HOURS. And if she can''t manage to hold herself together for those few hours, perhaps the right thing to do would be to sit out entirely.

This wouldn''t be an excuse I''d consider weighty enough to trump your desire for the wedding YOU want.

 

[Kissmark]

If it were me, I''d say no to the guests whom I don''t know. If your sis wants to bring a date, that is understandable. But 3 people and a baby? who''s wedding is it anyway?

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 8/14/2007 5:13:31 PM
Author: decodelighted
Welllll ... if there are other babies then I guess I''d probably chill about it. I''d be mad (as you are) for a few days but would try not to stew & eventually probably forget about it!

BELIEVE ME -- more stuff to think about is coming

.

On a personal note -- your sister may be having a rough time w/you getting married so soon after her brief union/divorce. Having friends ''in her court'' may really destress the situation & make things w/her *easier*. My own former therapist suggested I take a ''friend date'' to my younger sister''s wedding (when I was feeling old & lonely & gloomy -- and didn''t have a boyfriend to take). The moral support made a world of difference. Can you look at it THAT way? Not like she doesn''t love you or that the wedding isn''t about YOU GUYS ... but that it can be a hard time for people *personally* even if they''re happy for YOU. (And even if they won''t admit the *real* reason for wanting support ... it''s easier to say I want friends to party with yanno?

)

Deco - My sis has had some personal issues and some issues with mental illness in her life...so I don''t doubt that my wedding will be difficult for her. Which is why I was totally fine with her bringing a couple of her friends to the wedding. It was just the bf of the friend and the baby that irked me.

After giving it a lot of thought, I talked to my mom about it - she''s going to run interference and tell my sis that the bf really shouldn''t come, considering what a small wedding it is, blah blah blah.

If she freaks out about it, well, we''ll go from there! Hopefully my mom will handle things well. I pretty much called her last night and just sort of said that I really didn''t want him there but didn''t want to deal with ensuing drama once I told my sis that. So my mom said she''d talk to her...hopefully things will work out!

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 8/14/2007 4:56:45 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 8/14/2007 12:18:33 PM
Author: littlelysser

We purposefully only invited the people that we really love and want to be there. No cousins, no great aunts...very small and very close friends ONLY!

Musey - My sister tends to be a bit dramatic and, um, entitled. I don''t think it would end well if I told her that they couldn''t come...she already knows it is going to be a small wedding. She already knows that I''m not inviting ANY cousins - even ones that I''m close with - because that opens the door to having to invite ALL the cousins...ya know? She gets it, I just don''t think she cares. And apparently is quite concerned about having fun with her friends at my wedding.

What I''m going to say will sound very blunt, but it''s honestly meant to help.

I think the reason that your sister ''tends to be dramatic'' is because it WORKS for her......she gets her way because people find it ''easier'' to sacrifice their own wants than to put up with her poor behavior when she''s denied.

As long as people continue to do that, she will continue to behave this way.

I can understand letting it go for any other ''everyday'' type of event (family BBQ, reunion, birthday), but seriously? NOT for your own wedding.

If you didn''t really care one way or the other, I could see where it would make sense to say ''well, hey, the more the merrier and we don''t really mind, so sure---why not?'' But that''s *not* the case.

With expressed intent, with PURPOSE, you specifically chose to invite only a select group of people. That tells me it''s very important to you to have the wedding the way you envisioned. Your goal is an intimate gathering with people you''re close to.

It would be nice if she cared about what you want, that''s true. But, on the other hand, it''s hard to expect others to care about what''s important to you if you aren''t passionate enough to take a firm position yourself.

I''ll agree; it''s not easy, and I know from first-hand experience. My wedding was 29 people, and we invited only immediate family (parents, the one grandma, and sibs). We didn''t invite extended family, and we only invited a handful of friends. Like you, we purposefuly crafted our invite list with the same goal as yours---an intimate wedding to be shared only with those *close* to us.

Our decision wasn''t especially popular with two people.....and those two people had to get over it. I was only getting married once, and I refused to spend the rest of my life regretting caving on something so important.

ALJ - I agree with you. and while I appreciate the sentiment - and not going too deeply into things - my sister has had a rough go of things. She was very sick a few years back and worked really hard to get herself close to well...so yeah, we do cut her some slack and accept things from her that I''d never accept from anyone else.

It isn''t so much that I was caving or I wasn''t standing up for myself - I don''t know.

Regardless, we are trying to handle the situation...so we''ll see how it goes.