Wedding Party....why? Because he wants one. So what do l do?

[gwendolyn]

So, a long time ago, I mentioned to James that I really didn''t want to have to choose a bridal party. I don''t like the idea of having a hierarchy of friends in general, and an old best friend (who is still a friend, just not as good of one) had told me she would be my MOH when it was my turn to get married (I was hers, so I guess she figured it was a done deal?). I have never once told her she would be my MOH (not even long ago when we were inseparable). The only thing I''ve said about it is "we''ll see."

So, James and I were talking last night about wedding stuff, and he kept mentioning his ''best man.'' Turns out, he didn''t know really what I meant when I talked about not wanting a bridal party (think he thought bridal shower?), and so he kept thinking that we''d be having attendants. When I explained again my feelings of conflict about choosing a bridal party, he offered to not have anyone if that made it easier for me, but that doesn''t seem right. It''s his wedding too, and him wanting his best friend of forever up there (in my opinion) outweighs my desire to NOT have people, you know?

Anyway, after I said that, he mentioned that truthfully he was imagining not only his best friend up there, but also another friend and his two brothers-in-law. Clearly things would look totally out of whack if James had four attendants and I had none. So, if we do go ahead with the wedding party (which it seems like we will), I have a few options.

1. Ask the friend who assumes she will be my MOH to be my MOH. Not many people know about the major rift we had a few years ago, and although we are friends again, we will never again be that close. She has become a little less self-absorbed this past year (although now that she''s pregnant, that seems to be fading a bit), but has bought a plane ticket to come and visit next month, making her my first friend from home to fly out to see us. I don''t think anyone would be surprised if she was my MOH, so this would be the make-everyone-happy option, although I do not feel entirely comfortable with the idea.

2. Ask my two brothers (who I''m not even sure will have the money to come) to be my best men. Having family in the spot of honour would more or less resolve me (hopefully) of any ill will from the above mentioned friend, but she can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes so who knows.

3. Ask one of my two actual best friends--a married man, B, who wasn''t allowed to have me in *his* wedding party because his wife felt jealous at the time (she''s much much better now that I have James, though). Not sure if he and his wife can come due to finances, though. OR, my awesome friend in Australia who I hardly ever see in person anymore but who has probably been the best friends to me out of anyone over the 9 years we''ve known each other. Not sure if she and her husband will be able to come, especially considering how far away they are and the fact that they will have an small baby by the time we get married. Doubtful that the previously mentioned friend would take either of these choices well.

I think I''m leaning towards one option more than the others (you can probably tell by the way it''s worded

), but is there an option I haven''t thought of? What do you think of my ideas?

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

 

[Sabine]

Hmmm...I understand that your husband wants a bridal party, but it might be a nice compromise to allow him to have his best man stand up with him with no other attendants. Then you wouldn''t have to have anyone, but he could have his best friend.

Of your other options, none of them really sound doable to me except maybe having your brothers stand up with you. But before you pick, I would think about what exactly you want to role of "MOH" to mean...would they be responsible for helping throw a bridal shower? Helping make wedding decisions? Or just standing there with you on the day of? That might help you make your choice based on who would even be able to do those things. I would have a hard time asking someone if you aren''t sure if they''d even be able to attend the wedding.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/25/2009 8:27:06 AM
Author: Sabine
Hmmm...I understand that your husband wants a bridal party, but it might be a nice compromise to allow him to have his best man stand up with him with no other attendants. Then you wouldn't have to have anyone, but he could have his best friend.


Of your other options, none of them really sound doable to me except maybe having your brothers stand up with you. But before you pick, I would think about what exactly you want to role of 'MOH' to mean...would they be responsible for helping throw a bridal shower? Helping make wedding decisions? Or just standing there with you on the day of? That might help you make your choice based on who would even be able to do those things. I would have a hard time asking someone if you aren't sure if they'd even be able to attend the wedding.

No matter who (if anyone) is chosen to be my MOH, his/her/their only responsibility would be to just stand with me. They are all coming from overseas (my family and good friends from the US, and possibly S from Australia), so none would be here in the UK to help with planning or to throw any sort of shower or hen night for me (even if they did, it would be nontraditional in that I'd want it be to be co-ed and just a chill night out anyway). No one from my side at this time, not even my parents, are 100% sure they are coming.

 

[kama_s]

Hmm...tough situation. My fiance wanted a big wedding party as well, and I didn''t want any. So we settled on just having our brothers stand for us. His brother will be his Best Man, mine will be my Man of Honour. I didn''t want a bridal shower, or need help with any wedding related stuff, so I was fine without any bridesmaids.

Personally, I like the idea of your brothers standing up for you. But I am definitely biased in my opinion!

Also, sorry to hear your parents aren''t sure if they''ll be able to attend the wedding. I feel you, I wasn''t sure if my dad could come for mine because of visa issues and my mum probably wouldnt be interested. Sucky feeling for sure. So you need a big fat *HUG* from me

 

[Octavia]

My solution was to have a "house party." FI can still have his best man, and I''ll still have my best friends as quasi-bridesmaids, but they won''t be standing up front with us during the ceremony. We''re going to reserve the first row of seats for them, along with parents. Also, they won''t be dressed in matching suits or dresses unless they go behind my back and plan it themselves. The best man will still get up at the appropriate time in the ceremony to hand over the rings. I think it''s a nice middle ground between having our best friends as witnesses and honored guests, but for me not to have to choose one friend over another as MOH, or to make them spend more money than they otherwise would as regular guests.

 

[KimberlyH]

First, I empathize, I had no interest in having a bridal party. I''m lucky DH felt the same. I''d opt for your brothers if you have to have someone.

 

[Winslet]

I had the same problem when I got engaged! I didn''t want any attendants but by the time I''d thought of a gentle way to tell my FI, he''d already asked 8 guys to be groomsmen

Oh well, I''m probably not the best person to be giving advice on this one but I''ll tell you what happened - I ended up asking every good female friend I had to be in the bridal party. I was disappointed at first, but after all was said and done I really didn''t think it was such a big deal. I hope your situation works out in whichever way makes you most comfortable and happy!

 

[Rhea]

Choice 2. Your brothers are a forever thing and it''d be a great get-out clause for your old friend who thought she would be the MOH.

Also consider, in England you need two witnesses. DH and I both had our men of honor hand us the rings (that was the only thing they did, they sat for the rest of the ceremony), but choose our mothers to sign the certificate. We wanted people who we knew would always and forever be there for us on the piece of paper. I''m not sure what the rules are for witnesses in Wales. I didn''t chose my sister for MOH, despite encouraging you now to pick your brothers, becuase I knew that the men of honor thing was for the rings only and wouldn''t go down in history. If we''d decided on a proper wedding party I''d have my sister and maybe my man of honor.

I''ve mixed up two different issues here, but hopefully you''ll understand.

 

[meresal]

Although I'm in the camp of don't have a MOH you don't want (I didn't pick the girl that I was "suposed" to)... I think in this situation it would be best to go with the person you "know" is going to able to make it to the wedding.

Do you think there is a serious possibility that your brothers can't make it? They would be my choice.

One thing that helped me, was in the beginning I was up front to all my BM's that I wasn't comfortable asking one of them to be a MOH. They all understood. After a while I did realize I needed one, and in the same month one of my BM's quit her job to go back to school. She was going to have tons of time on her hands and offered, so she became my MOH, and every one of my friends totally understood why I did it.

Have you thought about just asking them to be BM's, and then not having a MOH? Is there anyway that J would agree to not having a Best Man, so that it doesn't look odd when you don't have a MOH? That way it's a bit of compromise?

ETA: Knowing the past with the friends wife... I would not choose him. If you're not sure they will be able to afford it, then I have a hard time thinking she'll let him come by himself if they could afford that.

 

[ladyciel]

You mentioned that James has 2 BILs he would like to have as groomsmen - am I incorrect in assuming that means he has 2 sisters? Do you know them, get along, etc? I ask on the possibility they might be able to stand on your side to balance things out, as well as keep you from having nobody there if your brothers can''t make it. DH and I sort of traded spots in our wedding party - I got a friend of his and his sister as BMs in trade for my 2 brothers as groomsmen. We then each had two other friends for a total of 4 on each side. It made the wedding party more about "us" than about his and hers.

 

[Pandora II]

Gwen, over here it would be weird not to have a Best Man, but not that odd to not have bridesmaids.

I had little cousins and my niece plus my friend''s daughter who was 12, but none of ''my friends''. DH couldn''t decide so had all 4 of his best friends from different stages of his life as bestmen, but no-one actually stood there during the ceremony or anything.

The Bestman has to do the bestman''s speech - major part of an English wedding hence why he is SO important - but since we don''t have showers or anything like that and ''hen nights'' are much less common than ''stag nights'' (DH had 2, I didn''t bother) it''s less important to have a MOH or anything.

You will need two witnesses to sign the register- I asked the mother of my eldest bridesmaid and DH had one of his bestmen.

 

[White Orchid]

I like the idea of just having the brothers and brother-in-laws on both sides. It's a nice compromise and you won't need to explain much to the friend who wants to be MOH. It's a big decision though, take your time and search your heart.

 

[doodle]

If I were in your position, I''d let your FI have all his buddies as ushers, as well as your brothers and your married man friend, and you could let the MOH-wannabe friend and your Aussie friend read something in the ceremony. Then you''re including everyone that means something to you without creating a hierarchy among them or hurting anyone''s feelings. That''s just me though. Hope you work everything out for the best!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Normally your brothers would be groomsmen. But since you really don''t want bridesmaids, I''d think he could just have one best man and you have one female attendant. Do you have any nieces? When my sister got married, they only wanted one attendant each, so she had my daughter be her attendant rather than choosing one of two sisters.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Wow...I had the exact same situation with my FI! I didn''t want to have to worry about a bunch of extra girls (dresses, hair, makeup, emotional baggage, etc.), but he couldn''t imagine doing it without his best friend, his brother, and his two other friends from high school. So whatever, I gave in. My brother is my MOH and I have two bridesmaids, both of whom have been my friends since high school (we''re late 20s/early 30s now). That gives me three to his four.

My advice is this: no one can argue with choosing a family member, and don''t feel like you have to match your FI''s number. So if you just want your two brothers, do that. Or have them both be MOHs and ask the other girls to be BMs. The other thing that weighed on my decision was who I wanted closest to me on the day - some people are good friends but too high strung to deal with in a situation like that. So I choose mellow people who I think will be helpful and calming during the whole process. Just my 2 cents.

Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Brothers. Fo sho.

 

[gwendolyn]

Thank you so much, Sabine, kama_s, Octavia, KimberlyH, Winslet, Addy, meresal, ladyciel, Pandora, White Orchid, doodle, diamondseeker2006, BigDiamonds and Freke! Seems like quite a few of you like the option of going with my brothers, which is what I'm leaning towards doing as well! However, there were some good alternative ideas which will give me things to mull over while trying to work out who I'd like to ask, so thank you all for taking the time to write your suggestions!

Some of you asked questions, so let me see if I can get some answers up here....

Octavia, you know, we may end up having that without even planning on it! After looking through the photos at the venue we're hopefully going to have, most of the ceremonies shown (civil ones) have no attendants--just witnesses to sign. So maybe ours will just be like that!

meresal, yes, James offered to not have a best man, but since he's more into the idea of a traditional wedding than I am, I think it's important to him, so I want to find a solution for me so that he can have his best man. And yes, even though I don't think my best friend B (the guy) would come without his wife (and I wouldn't expect him to), it might be awkward for them (his wife especially) if I make him a prominent figure in my wedding when she didn't want me in hers. Things between us are fine now, but it would definitely remind everyone of that whole situation, and I don't want to do that.

ladyciel, yes, James has 2 sisters. I get along great with one, and not so great with the other (she's not a bad person or anything, she just is interfering and judgmental and always sees me--well, everything--in the most negative light possible). It would be a nice gesture to have them stand with me, but yes, I would only ask if my brothers couldn't make it. They are the ones I'm currently leaning towards having.

Pandora, ahhh, that makes sense! James' best man has been talking about the speech he will give at our wedding for a few years now, so yeah, it does make sense to have him officially recognized as the best man since he's all ready for the part.

So basically all I need to worry about is having a witness to sign for me, since the rest is basically just a technicality. Great!

doodle, not sure if we'll be having any readings. We're having a civil ceremony, and I've only ever been to church weddings, so I don't actually know what a civil ceremony entails. If readings are a part of it, that's a good idea!

diamondseeker, nope, don't have any nieces. That would have been a lovely solution if I had, though, thank you!

BigDiamonds, haha, that's funny--your situation sounds exactly the same! I totally hear what you're saying about wanting mellow people around you, which is probably why the option of James' sisters wasn't included--his one sister is incredibly negative about absolutely EVERYthing, all the time--it's like she has her own personal black cloud that follows her. Not exactly the sort of person I'd want close to me, y'know? But I could swing it if it was mostly an honourary thing and she didn't have to help me get ready or eat dinner near me or anything. (ETA: wow, I sound like a horrible person in that last sentence!

)


Just so a little aside, we're planning on being really relaxed about as much as we possibly can with our wedding, so if we do have a wedding party, they will come to the wedding in whatever clothes they would've worn as a regular guest--we aren't going to ask them to get specific bridesmaids dresses or matching neckties or whatever. The plan is that, if we have people, we don't want it to cost more for them to come (or, if we were to pay for their dresses/suits, cost us more). It would just be a "hey, you're important to us, come up here and stand with us" sort of thing. And, in the case of the best man, "hey, do that speech you've been practicing for ages."

That being said, we have ages of time to figure out what to do, and I'll have a better idea if my brothers are coming or not when we're closer to the actual date. They are very special to me, and I would really like them to stand with me. I also think it's a good idea to consider (either in addition to or instead of my brothers, if they can't make it) including James' sisters (it's definitely a good political move). Hmmm...

Thank you again for your help!

 

[bee*]

I like the brothers idea too. I picked my sisters and D''s sister so that I didn''t have to pick amongst my friends and it''s worked out so well so I definitely think that family can be handy for wedding parties!

 

[mrscushion]

Yup, I would ask your brothers to stand up with you and if they can''t make it, James'' two sisters, as a family gesture.

 

[Pandora II]

If you are having a civil ceremony there isn''t any real need to for anyone to actually ''stand'' - both of our witnesses sat with the rest of the guests until they were asked to come up to sign the register - ditto with the bestman looking after the rings, and ours was about as close to a ''church-style'' ceremony as you can get.

My eldest bridesmaid took my bouquet when I got to the top of the aisle and then sat with the other bridesmaids at the side of the room. They only time we were all together was for photos later that afternoon.

I wouldn''t have thought that James''s sisters would necessarily expect to be bridesmaids - unless it''s your really close friend, more often than not bridesmaids are little (I was 11 last time I was one). I would be tempted to get James to ask one of them to do a reading and one of your brothers to do another.

Obviously find out what is normal in his family and friends. I got my brother to do a reading, but none of my sisters and none of my DH''s brothers were involved in our wedding at all. There weren''t any hurt feelings because no-one expected to be anyway...

For the ceremony, it''s really up to you what you have - the only criteria is nothing religious in anyway. So, no readings that mention god, heaven, prayers etc etc. If you google the local register office for your venue they normally have their rules and regulations - make sure and book them BEFORE you book the venue especially if you want them to come out to the venue as it can be hard to get the time and date you want (although unlikely mid-week) plus there are time restrictions - you can''t get married after 5pm normally.

We had two readings, and four pieces of music - processional, 2 pieces for ''Signing the Register'' and then a recessional. I emailed our choices to the registrar and had them approved a few weeks in advance (and before printing the Order of Service) as they can be pretty strict and ban things. I also asked to see a copy of her ceremony in advance and then made some changes to bits I didn''t care for.

 

[gwendolyn]

Thank you, bee-star and mscushion! Yeah, definitely want to avoid picking from amongst friends if possible. The thought just doesn''t sit right with me. Thanks for chiming in!

Date: 4/26/2009 4:19:08 PM
Author: Pandora II
If you are having a civil ceremony there isn''t any real need to for anyone to actually ''stand'' - both of our witnesses sat with the rest of the guests until they were asked to come up to sign the register - ditto with the bestman looking after the rings, and ours was about as close to a ''church-style'' ceremony as you can get.


My eldest bridesmaid took my bouquet when I got to the top of the aisle and then sat with the other bridesmaids at the side of the room. They only time we were all together was for photos later that afternoon.


I wouldn''t have thought that James''s sisters would necessarily expect to be bridesmaids - unless it''s your really close friend, more often than not bridesmaids are little (I was 11 last time I was one). I would be tempted to get James to ask one of them to do a reading and one of your brothers to do another.


Obviously find out what is normal in his family and friends. I got my brother to do a reading, but none of my sisters and none of my DH''s brothers were involved in our wedding at all. There weren''t any hurt feelings because no-one expected to be anyway...


For the ceremony, it''s really up to you what you have - the only criteria is nothing religious in anyway. So, no readings that mention god, heaven, prayers etc etc. If you google the local register office for your venue they normally have their rules and regulations - make sure and book them BEFORE you book the venue especially if you want them to come out to the venue as it can be hard to get the time and date you want (although unlikely mid-week) plus there are time restrictions - you can''t get married after 5pm normally.


We had two readings, and four pieces of music - processional, 2 pieces for ''Signing the Register'' and then a recessional. I emailed our choices to the registrar and had them approved a few weeks in advance (and before printing the Order of Service) as they can be pretty strict and ban things. I also asked to see a copy of her ceremony in advance and then made some changes to bits I didn''t care for.

Pandora, thank you *SO* much for posting this information. J has no idea what''s ''typical'' for an English wedding because, even though he''s been to a few, he''s very much a guy in that respect and paid no attention whatsoever to, well, anything except the bar, probably.

Seriously, though, your input is hugely helpful--thank you very much for taking the time to share it with me.

 

[Pandora II]

Gwen, seriously if you need any advice at all on ''English'' weddings just give me a shout - I''ve been to most types from mega formal cathedral style to nipping down to the local registry office with 2 weeks notice!

 

[elrohwen]

I think another option is to see if James is willing to only have his best man and leave it at that. Even two people! I agree that four on his side and none on yours would look wonky, but I don''t see any reason he can''t have one or two people and you have done. You could even ask your brothers in case then can come, but if they can''t I don''t think it would be a big deal.

Personally, I wouldn''t ask Miss Drama Queen ... you wouldn''t want her to start some drama at your wedding and we''ve had so many MOH drama stories on here lately that I''d be worried!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Draw a name out of a hat?

Sorry, I''m no help! I''m stressed over this wedding party business, too

 

[musey]

Honestly, I can see arguments for all of your options (though the brothers are my fave option). Sorry

I'm a big fan of uneven bridal parties. Or rather, the lack of necessity for an even party. I don't like the idea of anyone being asked just to even out the sides. I'm also a fan of non-firm gender lines in the party (ie. bridesmen and groomswomen).

I think you should take a few moments to yourself to think about who (if anyone) would be most meaningful to you to have up there. Who do you want to see in your wedding pictures when you look at them 20 years from now?

(I feel like I've been giving that advice a lot lately

)