Wedding party..

[that_someone_special]

Has anyone ever wanted to, or actually kicked someone out of the wedding party?

I am having a really hard time with one of my brothers. He''s been lying, scamming, and being rude. I wanted him in the wedding because we asked my other brother, and through it all, I still care about him.. BUT..... When I think about the people I want standing up there with me, I am having a hard time with seeing him up there. This last weekend we (FI and I) got in a huge argument with my brother. He was being disrespectful, rude, I caught him in several lies... the swearing at us.. the general lack of caring about anyone but himself...

It started as a political debate but quickly turned into him acting like an 8 year old (he''s almost 24).

He has become such a lazy ass in the last year that my parents are paying for EVERYTHING for him for the wedding, otherwise he wouldn''t attend:
his flight, hotel, clothing, spending money, food/ drinks/ meals.. every last dime. It''s not the fact that my parents are paying for it, it''s that he HAS the money (or had) but spends all of his money on alcohol, partying and girls. It has gotten really bad.

I feel like the only reason he is coming to our wedding is to get a free trip to vegas, along with the "perks" of it. When he heard that some of us were going to do a spa day, he asked if he could come and how much we would give him $$ wise for it.

I just feel like screaming!! This has been building up for the last year when he lived with us for 2 months and ruined our floors, (I did mention this before, but he was too drunk and lazy when he DID come home that he urinated in bottles that I found stuffed behind the bed when I was cleaning the floor from HIS animals). GRRR.

The other thing that has really made me mad is that for mothers day he says he''s going to make mom dinner, at our house. He shows up hours late, with the cheapest of cheapest ingredients (I gave him half of the money, my mom gave him the other have which was more than enough to cover expensive/ quality ingredients. He shows up with stuff that HE doesn''t even use when he cooks this particular meal, and pocketed the rest of the cash).

grrr OK I am venting a bit...

My real question is, should I kick him out of the wedding? is it appropriate to do so? If anyone has kicked someone out of their wedding party, did you feel guilty about it? I don''t know if I''m being overly sensitive or if I''m trying to stand up for myself. I need some advice (please be gentle, but honest.)

 

[lilyfoot]

Will he still be invited to the wedding? Will he show up and make a scene?

I don''t see anything wrong with you wanting to remove him from the wedding party. Others may feel differently, because it''s "family", but my belief is that being related doesn''t give you the right to act like a donkeybutt towards someone

 

[that_someone_special]

Yes he would still come to the wedding and get all of the freebies that he wants.

It's more that he won't be in the wedding pictures as a groomsmen, and just as a brother...

 

[nkarma]

Sorry double post.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 5/25/2010 3:50:14 PM
Author: swedish bean
Yes he would still come to the wedding and get all of the freebies that he wants.

It's more that he won't be in the wedding pictures as a groomsmen, and just as a brother...

If that makes you feel better...I doubt he will care.

I don't think the problem is being in the wedding party, it is the people who are enabling him. Why did you give him money for groceries for mother's day if he has it? Why are your parents paying for him to come and live and giving him money for mother's day? You should be mad at them and not him for that. He has learned that he can do whatever he wants and will get everything paid for. Of course he will take advantage of that.

To be honest I don't think he would care if you threw him out or not, since as you stated the reason he is coming is to go to vegas and it's free for him. He probably would like to get kicked out because he can come to the wedding without the all the wedding party responsibilities....more time to drink and gamble.

What I would do is cut him off financially and also never let him stay at my house again seeing how he disrespected your floors. You should also send him a bill to fix the floors if you haven't already. You can kick him out of the wedding but will be dealing with this until either he decides to change (sounds unlikely) or he has to because everyone cuts him off.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 5/25/2010 4:32:10 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 5/25/2010 3:50:14 PM

Author: swedish bean

Yes he would still come to the wedding and get all of the freebies that he wants.


It''s more that he won''t be in the wedding pictures as a groomsmen, and just as a brother...

If that makes you feel better...I doubt he will care.


I don''t think the problem is being in the wedding party, it is the people who are enabling him. Why did you give him money for groceries for mother''s day if he has it? Why are your parents paying for him to come and live and giving him money for mother''s day? You should be mad at them and not him for that. He has learned that he can do whatever he wants and will get everything paid for. Of course he will take advantage of that.

To be honest I don''t think he would care if you threw him out or not, since as you stated the reason he is coming is to go to vegas and it''s free for him. He probably would like to get kicked out because he can come to the wedding without the all the wedding party responsibilities....more time to drink and gamble.

What I would do is cut him off financially and also never let him stay at my house again seeing how he disrespected your floors. You should also send him a bill to fix the floors if you haven''t already. You can kick him out of the wedding but will be dealing with this until either he decides to change (sounds unlikely) or he has to because everyone cuts him off.

I really appreciate everything you said! I normally don''t enable him.. for mothers day my mom asked for a bachmans gift card. I always get her one, and in the past I would just do a larger amount to make up for both of my brothers. I decided this year since he was old enough (one is 17 the other brother was 23 in may) that they could try to put some effort into it. I know how selfish he is with his money, so I wanted to give him money so he could at least give my mom his time (to make dinner). Then he came way late, dinner was way later, and it was just a mess. I''ve learned my lesson with that!!!

I honestly have no doubt in my mind that if my parents were not paying for his portion he would not attend the wedding, even though he has known it was going to be in vegas for over a year already (18 months in advance). Also, to be fair to him, my parents are paying the airfare for our entire immediate family -7 people (FI and aunt included), but we didn''t know about that until a month ago.

I think you are right that if I did kick him out he wouldn''t much care.

Now that I think about it, I think I''m more sad, and upset than I am angry.. ya know? Just really hurt by his recent actions. (and, past ones, but I need to let go of some things).

I am going to discuss this with FI a little further and one of my close friends. I just feel really bad doing it, but I also don''t want him standing up there with us getting married if he feels the way he does about us (some stuff he said over the political fight) .. I dunno just sad now

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this question...but here is my story, take from it what you will...

I got married in the summer of 2007.

I opted to have small bridal party, which just my closest, long term friends. I really considered my options and I picked the 4 people nearest to me.

Everything was wonderful in the beginning. We had the sweetest time planning everything, and I was so lucky--so I thought--to have selected the friends that I did.

About two months before I married, my one bridesmaid got engaged herself. I was super happy for her, offered to host an engagement party, gave her a gift..I was genuinely thrilled that she was getting married. But, on the flip side, I was 60 days from my own HUGE wedding and I didn''t have the time to start planning her wedding with her while I was trying to cinch mine up.

I tried to candidly speak with her about it...just let her know that I was beyond happy for her, and I wanted to be a big part in her special day, but that I couldn''t mentally go there until after July. I didn''t intend to be unkind or thoughtless...but I was overwhelmed and I had a lot on my plate.

Things changed after that talk. My friend mentally and emotionally checked out, for lack of a better term. Gone was the joy, the happiness and her willingness to participate above and beyond the basics.

Tensions and frustrations grew between us...and between her and the other members of my bridal party. It was uncomfortable, and awkward...we just weren''t happy at all...I think the perfect word is RESENTMENT. We resented her, and she resented us.

I wish, wish, wish I had just had the piece of mind to have a sit down with her. I wish I could have told her that if she wanted out, she could have been out. I look back and think that would have saved our friendship. I could have told her--come to the wedding as guest, don''t worry about the money we spent, this wedding isn''t worth our friendship. But I didn''t...

We never spoke again after the wedding. She left the day after...and we just never talked again.

About 6 months later when my video came in, I watched it...and there was shot of her, glaring at me in the video. It basically said everything that needed to be said, but without words.

So...here is my opinion...

Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you. Your external relationships will be far longer lasting than one day. If having him in the wedding is going to ruin your relationship...it''s not worth that, sorry, but it''s not.

Have a real heart to heart...and if you feel, even a little, that he''s not involved for the right reasons or 100% committed to making your day great...then you know what you need to do...

 

[redfaerythinker]

I asked one of my bridesmaids to step down because she stopped speaking to me for over a year and for no apparent reason, all of our circle is just mystified by her behavior. Just a caution... I have not heard from her since, and probably will never hear from her again. The four of us have been friends for decades and this has been very hard on the other members of our group. But only you know your brother and your situation.. Good luck!

 

[Amzizzle]

I pretty much agree with everyone else,it sounds like he won''t care very much if he''s kicked out as long as he gets to go to Vegas anyway.

I would just make sure it''s o.k with you mom and close family as well,you don''t want to start a war over it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

ditto to nkarma''s post - I think she said it well.

 

[House Cat]

I''m sorry your brother is a fool.

Here''s the thing, your wedding is one day. This day is supposed to be filled with happiness and love...joy beyond measure. This isn''t the day that should be used to make any kind of statement of disapproval toward your brother. You don''t want a black mark on the day that says, "That''s the last day I ever spoke to my brother." "That''s the day when it all began" etc.. Do you think it is at all possible to get through this one day with him in the wedding party?

Personally, I''d let him be in the wedding party. You asking him to step down isn''t going to make him review his behavior. These are patterns that were set long ago and won''t change with small tokens. You might serve to make him angry or maybe even have him go into victim mode by asking him to step down. Wouldn''t that be just great? You having to then ward off all of the "big bad sister" comments that come with poor lil ole brother being victimized. But you won''t change him by asking him to step down. He needs lots of therapy to see that he shouldn''t be taking advantage of people...that''s not going to come about easily.

If you simply can''t stand the sight of him and you are willing to deal with all of the backlash, then go for it. But think about this from all angles. Seems to me that many members of the family enable his behavior. Those members of the family could very well run to his rescue in this situation.

 

[that_someone_special]

Thanks everyone

I think what I''m going to do is just let him stay in the wedding party, but have a small, respectful conversation with him about the things he has done recently. It may, or may not get through to him but ... oh well. I''m just going to go with the flow now!!