Weird Bride Behaviour! Help?

[Independent Gal]

My best friend / MOH just got an invitation to a wedding. The bride - let's call her Snarkle - is a girl she was close friends with for years, but whom she has hardly spoken to in the last two years. Snarkle had got increasingly snarky and mean and then MOH confronted her about it. They had a fight. MOH has talked to her a couple of times since then, hoping to patch things up, but each time Snarkle was still snarky, so she gave up.

So, now, two years later, and three weeks before the wedding, MOH gets an invitation to Snarkle's wedding. This is the first she's heard about her even having a serious boyfriend of course. Mind you, it is not an invitation to the actual wedding ceremony. Nor is it an invitation to the reception (I gather mutual friends have clarified that there IS a 'public' ceremony and a reception). It is an invitation to the After Party at a bar. Keep in mind that MOH lives about 2000 miles from Snarkle, and it would be very expensive for her to travel there, to be the ultimate in B-List guest.

At first MOH decided to just send a nice note. But then she got really p'ed off and befuddled as to why she was invited AT ALL. She's fuming and asked what I would make of it. Personally, it sounds like an intentional insult to me. But then, i'm kind of grumpy and crazy jet-lagged this morning (just got back yesterday from visiting mom) and will be inclined to irrationally think the worst of people until after at LEAST two more cups of coffee.

So what do you more level headed ladies think? What's your interpretation? Is it a gift grab? Or a 'geeee, maybe she'll be mad if I don't invite her at all, but I don't want to spend money on having her there.'

 

[iheartscience]

Sounds like an intentional insult to me, especially because Snarkle is so snarky. I think your MOH should send a card with a $5 gift card to Wal-Mart in it.

 

[zoebartlett]

Well, if I was your friend/MOH, I wouldn''t go. I''m not even sure I''d bother to send a card. I''d just RSVP "no thanks" and leave it at that.

 

[HollyS]

Sounds to me like she wanted to rub it in that she is marrying, and the best way to do that is to be passive/aggressive and invite frenemies to the "afterthought" party. It''s her way of saying "Na na na na boo boo" without seeming like the total b*tch she obviously is. I wouldn''t respond.

 

[april diamonds]

if your friend really doesn''t want to go then just don''t go. it seems crazy to me to send an invitation for JUST the after party. whatever the intentions of the crazy bride, who cares, since your friend seems to not really have ties with her. it''s not like she HAS to go or HAS to send a gift. i would just send a no thanks rsvp and be done with it.

in fact if it''s an after party at a bar you probably don''t even really need to RSVP. don''t be bothered by it.

 

[Dandi]

Date: 11/23/2007 7:57:53 AM
Author:Independent Gal
My best friend / MOH just got an invitation to a wedding. The bride - let''s call her Snarkle - is a girl she was close friends with for years, but whom she has hardly spoken to in the last two years.

*ROFL*snort*ROFL*

IG, you really are a hoot

And I totally agree with HollyS on this one, Snarkle *snicker* seems like one nasty piece of work!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/23/2007 9:58:48 AM
Author: HollyS
Sounds to me like she wanted to rub it in that she is marrying, and the best way to do that is to be passive/aggressive and invite frenemies to the ''afterthought'' party. It''s her way of saying ''Na na na na boo boo'' without seeming like the total b*tch she obviously is. I wouldn''t respond.

That''s exactly what I thought when I first read it. Seriously, she shouldn''t even bother responding.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thing2, I love the idea of the $5 gift card. Haha. Mean. Mean but funny. And appropriate.

Well, my MOH is not someone who is good at quietly hiding her feelings, and she was getting more and more angry thinking about this, so she just wrote me to say she ended up having it out with Snarkle. The friendship is now decisively over. But MOH says she feels better this way.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 11/23/2007 11:12:56 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Thing2, I love the idea of the $5 gift card. Haha. Mean. Mean but funny. And appropriate.

Well, my MOH is not someone who is good at quietly hiding her feelings, and she was getting more and more angry thinking about this, so she just wrote me to say she ended up having it out with Snarkle. The friendship is now decisively over. But MOH says she feels better this way.

Well, I think Snarkle got what she wanted - a rise out of your friend. She must''ve been seething since their last fight and finally found a way to get back at your friend. Not sure who got the last word in this fight but the invitation was designed to create a confrontation.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

I guess that solves the problem, then.

I was going to suggest that at most she should decline the invitstion.

DB

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmm... I''m not sure. I don''t get the impression that Snarkle likes confrontation per se. If it WAS a jab, I bet she hoped she''d get her jab in without having to face the consequences.

In any case, even if she does, my MOH feels like she has said her piece, has closure and never intends to speak to Snarkle again. So then they both got what they wanted. End of friendship. End of story! Good riddance. To be honest, I never liked her even when MOH and her were still close. To me, she always seemed more concerned about herself than about being supportive or kind to MOH.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 11/23/2007 11:12:56 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Thing2, I love the idea of the $5 gift card. Haha. Mean. Mean but funny. And appropriate.

Well, my MOH is not someone who is good at quietly hiding her feelings, and she was getting more and more angry thinking about this, so she just wrote me to say she ended up having it out with Snarkle. The friendship is now decisively over. But MOH says she feels better this way.

Good for her. NOBODY needs to be a doormat for someone else. The best two ways to deal with passive/aggressive nitwits is to either appear to be completely oblivious and ruin their fun, or call them on their behavior. It takes much more guts to confront them.

I invited an elderly friend (who had just lost her son to cancer in Oct.) to have Thanksgiving with my family, all of whom she has met and is familiar with. I got a "maybe" and a "we''ll see" from her last Sunday, a full week after Dad had invited her; I told Dave she wasn''t coming. Sure enough, Thursday 10AM, she calls to say "she''s not feeling well". My response: "Okay. Would you like us to bring you a plate? Are you sure? Okay, we''ll see you later." Bye-bye.

This lady is notorious for her P&A behavior; (read my post about her throwing a bridal shower for me that I didn''t want) and my new motto is "WHATEVER".

 

[Jas12]

First--I luv the name "Snarkle" I think i will refer to select ppl with that description-hhehe


second, sounds like something that happend to me this summer. I was invited to a wedding reception party--the portion after the dinner--fine- I realize ppl can''t afford to feed/booze everyone--i was not insulted by that, but the thing that is sooo weird is that this was a friend of my sisters who I see at least 4 times a week at my local gym. She is a total snarkle--would not exchange two words with me unless first forced to by my ''hellos'' she looks sour 24/7 and is miss negativity. I have no prior history with this girl other than she *was* good friends with my sister and then just soured over the years--loosing most of her close friends--i had no idea why I was invited--but after some discussion with my sister, we came up with these ideas and i think they may apply to your MOH situation...

1) no other friends--ppl who lose friends over the years may send out invites to just about anyone to ''beef-up'' their party?
2) The "i want you to see me looking great/my best/better than you--b/c that''s how I make myself feel better" syndrome. I really do think ppl invite others they are jealous of or feel they have something to prove to as some weird passive aggressive statement.
3) Just wants some ppl to know she was getting married

 

[HollyS]

Jas12:

It''s item D on the multiple choice behavior quiz: all of the above

 

[Jas12]

Holly S--haha--i see we had posted pretty much the same thing--i am bad for that (not reading all the other responses and just diving in with my own) Great minds think alike

 

[surfgirl]

I think the answer is obvious, right? "Snarkle who?"

 

[Independent Gal]

Actually, I think MOH did the right thing confronting her and putting a formal end to it. She says she''s feeling a little dazed since it''s not often people really say what they think when what they think is harsh. But she says she''s super happy she did it and that that is that.

Sometimes snarky people snark because they can get away with it. I think Snarkle needed someone to call her on her behaviour and let her know it was not cool.

 

[luckystar112]

What did your friend say to snarkle? l
Did she talk to her on the phone or email?

I probably would have taped the invitation back shut and wrote "Return to sender. P.S. Are you serious?!"
HAHAHA. I''m mean.

 

[misysu2]

Sounds like an intentional diss. But to be honest, if it were me, I would try to think of something snarky to do right back! I love the $5 Walmart gift card idea! Haha. Just a little something to let her know that your friend understands her snarky intentions.

 

[surfgirl]

glad it''s a done deal...sometimes ending a friendship (?fiendship?!) is more difficult than starting one but it sounds like it was much needed. Good for your friend!

 

[rockzilla]

I guess it has already been confirmed that she wasn''t invited to the actual ceremony and reception but...I generally try to assume the best in people, even when things point otherwise...

I was thinking...what if the original invitation to the wedding/reception had been lost in the mail? And the after-party was a follow up? I mean, things don''t often get lost in the mail, but it could happen, right? (I live in an apt building, and a few times I''ve gotten the mail of other folks in the building, etc.)

I was hoping this was it...she just hadn''t gotten the original invitation like 2 months ago...I guess not =(

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/23/2007 8:20:19 PM
Author: surfgirl
glad it''s a done deal...sometimes ending a friendship (?fiendship?!) is more difficult than starting one but it sounds like it was much needed. Good for your friend!

Agreed. I had to do it myself before my own wedding, and sometimes it just needs to be done. And even if something is harsh, if it is true and not said in the heat of the moment, sometimes it just needs to be said...