Weird Freak Out

[ladypirate]

OK, so this is really really stupid, but it''s bugging me anyhow and I wanted to get some feedback.

So with my bff getting married next summer, Kris and I have been talking about some stuff related to our own wedding that will most likely be summer/fall 2010. One of the things that came up was the guest list and we started talking about invitations and how they''re addressed. This is where the problem comes in.

I am a big formal-etiquette buff. Like, I seriously read etiquette books for fun and love having formal dinner parties on occasion. So I would of course want to be proper when addressing invitations. Unfortunately, I also think it''s hateful and awful and disgusting that married women are traditionally addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, as if they lose their identity once they get married (especially if they take his last name). I mean, I think it''s great if a woman wants to take her husband''s last name (and I may very well do so), but I don''t think they should lose their first name in the process!!! So what on earth does one do in this situation?

I know this is a totally stupid thing to worry about (especially this far in advance), but it''s been seriously bothering me. Is it just me or does anyone else freak out about weird stuff like this?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You could always address it to : Mr. and Mrs. David and Joan Black or Dr. and Mrd. David and Joan Black....

 

[D2B]

Well, I ended up taking my husbands last name, but it irrks me beyond believe when I lose my first name in invitations/ christmas cards. the only ones I will make allowances for are 90 year old grandparents, otherwise I get really annoyed. so ettiquete does need to move with the times otherwise it is outdated iykwim
good luck
d2b

 

[bee*]

I agree with D2B. I think that although etiquette is needed, at times it definitely needs to go with the times. That would really irk me, not having my name on the invite.

 

[Carbonlove]

I agree with Italia on how I would address the invites. I especially can''t stand when couples are introduced like that at weddings!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 8/9/2008 5:39:11 AM
Author: bee*
I agree with D2B. I think that although etiquette is needed, at times it definitely needs to go with the times. That would really irk me, not having my name on the invite.

Ditto, to above

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/9/2008 6:50:03 AM
Author: Carbonlove
I agree with Italia on how I would address the invites. I especially can''t stand when couples are introduced like that at weddings!

DITTO! It actually happened to my friend who is VERY anti-losing the first name just because she took his last. She went through major family issues over how she worded her invitations because she refused to just use her stepdad''s name for her mother and her step dad (aka Mr and Mrs John Smith). Her mother said she would rather not be on the invitation than be listed as Mr and Mrs John and Jane Smith.

And then, after struggling with her mother for months, they finally got to the wedding, and after giving the minister specific instructions not to say "Mr and Mrs John Doe" he did it anyways! We could see her flinch when he said it.

I definitely agree with Italia on this.

 

[ash313]

I hear ya.

Actually, etiquette says you put the woman''s name first, typically. So it would go, Mr. and Mrs. Sue and David Smith, not Mr. and Mrs. David and Sue Smith. The man''s name should not be seperated from his last name.

No worries about leaving her name out, DEFINITELY put it in!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Since I, and most of the women I know, prefer Ms, my FI and I just left titles off. It is not as formal, but I would have adressed all the women as Ms and it would have upset some of the women to do it that way.

Persinally, I HATE Mrs and Miss and never want to be addressed by them, so that can be another issue.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Titles in general annoy me, although it''s obvious why we have them, and some traditions are just traditions and all that jazz. Losing the first name is just NOT OKAY in my book. Unless I knew that someone absolutely required me to address them that way and would be upset if I didn''t, I wouldn''t use it even if were to throw the grandest formal dinner on the face of the earth and send out gold gilded invites.

That said, if anyone addressed me as "Mrs" at all, I''d be sort of irked. I am and will continue to be a "Ms" and I am not taking FI''s name, nor is she taking mine. I am almost relieved that no one assumes we will be, because that would get on my nerves quite a lot. If you happen to know the form people like to be addressed in, I''d use those titles. Etiquette is awesome, but it''s not worth offending people over, imho.

And I totally freak out over weird stuff like this, for the record.

 

[Octavia]

So timely, I'm just working on our guest list now and I was having the same issue! It bothers me more than I can even express to leave off the woman's first name. I'm saying, heck with proper form for most of our guests. There are a few guests I will address as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast," but they're mostly older people who will be very offended if we address them in a modern way. However, for the rest I'm torn between:

Mrs. Joan Black and Mr. David Black
or
Mrs. Joan and Mr. David Black

I don't know which is "more" proper (even though they're both still wrong if you're going by the book). LeeNY is right that you're not supposed to separate a man's first and last names, but you're also not supposed to separate titles from names (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. Joan and David Black). Technically, having the two names on the same line joined by "and " designates a married couple, and each half of an unmarried, cohabiting couple should each have his/her own line, a la:

Ms. Joan Smith
Mr. David Black

I really really love that most of our married female friends have either kept their own name or, if they changed it legally, we have no idea because they still go by their own names all the time. It just makes life a whole lot easier.

 

[LaraOnline]

names are arbitrary

My grandmother sometimes writes me letters addressed "Mrs Husband''s first name/last name"
I kinda get a kick out of it, because I know she means well. It seems so ... formal! And succinct.

Last names, particularly, are not at all representative of the self, as a history of mothers are rendered invisible courtesy of the patriarchy.

I guess giving children the father''s last name means that Dad might be a bit more honest in supporting and loving the children!

However, and ironically, it meant that I had no personal qualms whatsoever in handing over my last name - which was, after all, a man''s name.

A man''s name for another man''s name.

No real problem. Mum, Grandma, great-grandma and all the other great great mums were invisible anyway.

 

[ash313]

Date: 8/10/2008 2:35:35 AM
Author: LaraOnline
names are arbitrary


However, and ironically, it meant that I had no personal qualms whatsoever in handing over my last name - which was, after all, a man''s name.


A man''s name for another man''s name.


No real problem. Mum, Grandma, great-grandma and all the other great great mums were invisible anyway.

Wow, that''s a really great point. Sorry to threadjack, but I have been looking for a way to be okay with giving up my maiden name and taking SO''s. I mean, I''ve been okay with it, but somehow feel like if I''m evolved as a woman I''m not supposed to want to do that. So something about they way you''ve phrased this resonated with me. This makes total sense - it''s just one man''s name for another. And while I love my father dearly, taking SO''s name does in fact feel more unifying...

Thanks for your comment.

 

[Octavia]

Oh, don't get me wrong, on a broader level I have no problem with a woman taking her husband's name if that's what she wants to do. But this is the one area where the outdated etiquette rules really bother me and I wish there was a proper "new etiquette" standard. One of my best friends, whom I've known since we were kids, just got married and took her husband's last name; but as much as I like her husband, she is the reason they're being invited to my wedding, and the traditional form of address just isn't okay with me. If first names are going to be on the envelope (which of course they are), both first names will be there.

The same goes for my parents, and I'm not sure how we're going to go about the wording on the actual invitation. But the woman I know is "Mom," not "Mrs. Dad," and I am really really uncomfortable with saying "Mr. and Mrs. Dad's Lastname request the pleasure of your company..." because I feel like it's not properly acknowledging my mother.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

eh, I don''t see the big deal. A rose by any other name smells just as sweet. Whether my name is Miss Smith, Miss Jane Smith, Ms. Jones, Mrs. Jane Jones, or Mrs. Robert Jones, I''m still the same person! I doubt that anyone writing my name on an invitation thinks any differently of my importance in the world according to how they address me on an envelope. I think there are much bigger things to worry about... like how you''ll convince your mom that you don''t need to invite all twenty six second cousins and their children.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

PS - I haven''t looked at etiquette, so I''m not sure what I''ll do, but I imagine that I''ll do something like "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" on the outer envelope and "Jane and John Smith" on the inner. On graduation announcements, I did formal on the outside and whatever I call then personally on the inner.

 

[eggy1024]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:08:47 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
eh, I don''t see the big deal. A rose by any other name smells just as sweet. Whether my name is Miss Smith, Miss Jane Smith, Ms. Jones, Mrs. Jane Jones, or Mrs. Robert Jones, I''m still the same person! I doubt that anyone writing my name on an invitation thinks any differently of my importance in the world according to how they address me on an envelope. I think there are much bigger things to worry about... like how you''ll convince your mom that you don''t need to invite all twenty six second cousins and their children.

AMEN!

 

[Octavia]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:08:47 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I think there are much bigger things to worry about... like how you''ll convince your mom that you don''t need to invite all twenty six second cousins and their children.

Surprisingly, that was the easy part! I was going over the guest list with my parents and they said, "what about cousins?" and I said "I decided that I''m not inviting cousins," and they said, "oh, okay." My parents are pretty good about that stuff, it''s one of the reasons I like them so much

 

[Steel]

I would classify myself as a traditionalist and actually find it manly (and shhh! a bit sexy) to be the Mrs in ''Mr & Mrs DH''sFirstName Steel''


* Warning * Bug Bear approaching * Warning *

What bugs the panties off me!

1. Grrr is being referred to as anything but Mrs. I am not a Miss and have already told you I am a Mrs so that is my preference over Ms.

2. I would also love to be referred to as Mrs. Steel by everybody except close friends and family. Why do strangers feel the familiarity to call me by my Christian name? The only store to do it without my asking is Louis Vuitton - It must be fate! We are destined to be together...

Sigh!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 8/9/2008 1:16:58 AM
Author:ladypirate
I know this is a totally stupid thing to worry about (especially this far in advance), but it''s been seriously bothering me. Is it just me or does anyone else freak out about weird stuff like this?

Naaaa I freak out about weird stuff like that too. Im just glad I am not the only one! lol

 

[diamondfan]

I get a bit hung up on it.

For my son''s bar mitzvah save the dates, I did Maryann and Joseph Smith. I did not use titles and only once in a while did I do the Smith Family (if I were inviting the whole clan). My std''s were great but not ultra formal, so I thought that was fine. The invites are absolutely formal and the party is black tie, so I will do Dr. and Mrs. or Mr. and Mrs. his first and last name, though I do not LOVE it.