Weird wedding situation -etiquette question

[ponderer]

I need help with a little wedding etiquette.

The situation.... Close friends have become engaged. Another friend suggested that our group of friends get together and throw them a congratulations/engagement party. DH and I contributed a sum larger than we normally would for a wedding gift.

We just got a STD and they have scheduled the wedding for a date that we or any of their friends CANNOT attend. This is obviously intentionally planned to reduce the number of guests. (These are not casual friends, we vacation with these people and hang out weekly). I am not overly upset that we will not be able to attend, but I am confused about how to give anymore gifts.

Should I.....

A. give a gift at the congratulations/engagement party and send another wedding gift.

B. Give only one gift

C. no more gifts, big party was enough

Right now I''m leaning towards B....

Help???? Please?????

 

[cellososweet]

I would give a gift for the wedding. Engagement gifts are not obligatory (well no gift is really. But etiquette wise, you should send a gift if invited to a wedding). The party is your gift to them. What makes you think that the date was intentional? Do they know that you won''t be able to make it? Is there something major going on that day or do you think that you would just forgo or reschedule your yearly vacation/family reunion/etc for their wedding and they weren''t trying to be rude.

~CelloSoSweet

 

[Haven]

Cellososweet was correct when she said engagement gifts are not obligatory. I would send only a wedding gift, and nothing else. I don''t know when engagement gifts became a habit, but traditionally they are not expected. (A traditional engagement party is actually a gathering during which the father of the bride announces the engagement to all in attendance--you can imagine how difficult it would be for people to anticipate bringing a gift to response to such a surprise.)

I''m sorry to hear that you think your friends chose their wedding date to intentionally cut down on the number of attendees; I hope (for the sake of your friendship) that this is not the case.

Enjoy the engagement party, it sounds like you have a very caring and close circle of friends to throw a get together for the newly betrothed couple.

 

[ponderer]

No, its obviously intentional. All of the people that we/they hang out with have an event at the beginning of the weekend that will require all of our friends families to come across state or from out of state to attend. The bride and groom have to attend this function and then high tail it a couple hundred miles to their wedding. By choosing this date they have effectively eliminated 30 guests. I believe they have large families and the venue space was limited. Unfortunately the fun guests (thats us) wont be able to attend.

I will probably just mail a card w/ a monetary gift.

 

[ponderer]

I am not upset by their decision. I kinda view it like they are having a destination wedding or elopement and we are having a wedding party after they get back. Except their wedding is not that far away and we are having the party before and not after.

 

[monarch64]

I think your idea of the card and monetary gift is perfect, Ponderer. Am I reading your first post correctly and understanding that you and your DH have already spent money on their engagement announcement gift/party?