Well, here we go (vent, long)

[Independent Gal]

I was just thinking yesterday "Hey, this wedding planning stuff is actually not that stressful at ALL!" I was impressed with how well everyone was behaving and it seemed like people were following through on the "It's your wedding, do what makes you happy!" promise they made when we first got going. At the start, I heard LOTS of opinions, but everyong settled down and let me do my thing.

We've tried to be considerate! Taking younger siblings exam schedules into account... having a 2 part wedding so that no one HAS to travel across an ocean... trying to keep costs low and look for bargains and making a substantial contribution of our own, even though, technically, my parents could afford more...

And when my mom put a couple of people on the guest list for Wedding Part 2 (which we're trying to keep small... around 80 - 90 people is what we're aiming for) whom I sort of raised an eyebrow at, I let it go.

But now something really awkward has come up. Wedding Part 1 is going to be a city hall document signing, and then a dinner party at my mom's house for about 25 people. There will be a few of my friends, but it will be overwhelmingly FI's people (vice versa for WP2).

Now, my mom's house isn't actually 'her' house. It belongs to the organization my stepfather works for, and he's required to entertain a lot, so it's lavish and there are maids, a butler, a driver and a cook that 'come with' the house (as in, the organization pays them, not my parents). My mom grew up dirt poor... like not enough to eat kind of poor... and feels kind of funny about the idea of having staff that she gives instructions to. She's ended up making friends with the maids and the driver cause that's what feels natural to her... after all, they all practically live together and are, by all reports, great people. They occasionally hang out, share recipes, go shopping, etc.

Anyway, she has now decided that she wants to invite ALL of the staff (except the cook, who will be busy making dinner!) to our wedding dinner and hire extra help to serve the meal and stuff. That would be fine with me if I actually knew these people too, like if I had grown up with them, but I've barely spoken more than a few sentences with them since they've only been in my family's life for a year or so during which I lived far away. The only other contact I've had with them is them doing my laundry or driving me to the airport.

So I totally get my mom wanting to have them feel 'included' in a very small, family event. But at the start of all this, FI and I were adamant that we didn't want anyone there who didn't actually, actively, care about us and us them. And we're now looking at 1/5 of our guests to WP1 being people neither of us knows.

I'm worried that whatever I say will sound un-PC to my mom. And I guess it IS un-PC because part of my discomfort IS that the staff, however chummy my mom is with them and however great they are as people, are NOT my family. I hope I don't sound like a b*tch. I would feel almost the same about any friends of my parents being there that I didn't know at all. And this mostly feels different because unlike the people I let slip by for WP2, that's about 4 out of 85 and this is more like 20% at a very small function.

I guess I should gently explain our point of view about strangers at the wedding and then let mom make the decision.

Thanks for listening. (sighhhh)

 

[NYCsparkle]

well i totally agree that it should be just people you know and want there if thats what you want, however these people are probably like family to your mom and there are just a few of them. i''d make it VERY clear that you really wanted people you know and love there, but if it means that much to her you''d let just those few attend if that would make her happy. no sense arguing over 5 people, but draw the line at 5. good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/6/2007 12:50:40 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
well i totally agree that it should be just people you know and want there if thats what you want, however these people are probably like family to your mom and there are just a few of them. i''d make it VERY clear that you really wanted people you know and love there, but if it means that much to her you''d let just those few attend if that would make her happy. no sense arguing over 5 people, but draw the line at 5. good luck with whatever decision you make.

I agree with this. I totally understand wanting to keep the guest list small and include only those who are special to you. I also think that if your mom really wants these 5 people and she''s adamant about it, I''d let it go. I would remind her your intentions of wanting to keep it small though and limit any more add-ons.

I keep reading the part about the organization your stepfather works for and the butler, maids, etc. I''ve never heard of this before! What type of organization is it, if you don''t mind me asking?

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, I think that''s the just exactly the way to go, NYC. I just wrote to my mom and said "Hey, we were hoping to keep it to people we know personally as we mentioned, but if it means a lot to you, then weddings are a joy and celebration for parents too, not just brides and grooms. So if you want your new friends to share in that joy, it''s up to you!"

I think part of my panic is that I''m worried my mom will think I''m being a snob. But it sure ain''t that. After all we are inviting my dad''s long time secretary and former staff of my mom and my step-dad: people who have been in my life for decades and I care what happens to them and vice versa. They ARE like family. Hopefully she''ll get that.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think that was the way to go Indy.

When I got married, I was pretty emphatic that I didn''t want anyone there I didn''t know because I figured they didn''t care about me or TGuy. We were having a very small wedding and I was evening cutting from my own list of people.

I told my mom that I would like to invite her brothers and sisters, but didn''t care for her church friends whom I have never met. But then I gave it second thought and realized that A) that was selfish and B) just because I didn''t know them, it didn''t mean they didn''t care about me. I know that my mom would "brag" about me to them and just share about my life. They would be interested in me because they adore my mom and would have been very happy to see me get married. I could understand that because I had coworkers in the past who would tell me all about their kids (who were my age) and you feel like you know them after awhile.

I did let my mom know that she could invite her friends, but in the end, she said she didn''t want to. She just wanted me to be happy and said she would enjoy the day even if she was all by herself. I think she was pretty happy to just kick back with her family, so I didn''t feel so bad.

 

[Independent Gal]

Zoe, I''d rather not say what my step-father does, but among the organizations that sometimes provide a house and staff to run it are: governments (so Prime Ministers, Presidents, Opposition Leaders, Governors General, etc. often have an ''official residence''); some corporations will provide staff living abroad with these ''comforts''; universities (often the President or Chancellor of a university gets a house wtih staff...lots of funds to raise! and that means lots of shmoozing and entertaining, and that that means staff); and the foreign service (ambassadors obviously have to throw a lot of parties, and entertain important folks from the home country when they''re in town).

Basically, any job where you''re expected to have guests several times a week as PART of your job, and especially if those guests often stay overnight, then you sometimes get ''help'' and a nice place to do the entertaining, since it''s sort of unfair on your family otherwise. People in these situations often have to pay rent though! It''s not just a free ride. Particularly when taxpayers, tuition payers, or shareholders are involved.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, T''Gal, I think that''s exactly the process I''ve been going through. ANd I think you did the right thing.

After all, it''s so easy to forget that our weddings sort of DO belong to our parents too. It''s their joy too! I had lunch wtih a close family friend this past week, whose daughter (my age) just got hitched and she was saying how there are few moments of such joy for a parent as when they see their child so happy, embarking on a new stage of life, starting a new family.

So I can totally see why our parents would want to share that with the people THEY love and care for (and vice versa) not just the ones WE do.

 

[surfgirl]

Having worked overseas alot, and knowing alot of friends who live overseas and have staff that they wouldn't have normally, I dont think any of them would have invited the staff to their kids wedding reception. They'd be working that day no doubt but if your Mom considers them friends...I wonder what your step father thinks of this plan? Do you know? I'm just curious...IG, you sound like a fairly diplomatic person (pun intended!) so I think whatever you decide to do will be graceful and diplomatic!

 

[april diamonds]

Hey Indy Gal,

I understand what you mean! I think it''s totally ok for you to feel that way. It''s kinda weird to have to all the sudden throw a party with all these people you don''t know at all! I myself have a guest list of 200 some people now, most of which are really my parents friends whom I am not close with at all.

However, and I think you guys have already made this point, but even though /I/ am not close to these people, they are exteremly important to my parents. And do take interest in me because I am my parents child (and have always been very nice to me when I saw them). At first I was like OMG I have to invite so many people, but then I realized that I was actually glad to do this for my parents. Because while it is MY (by my I mean me and FI''s) wedding, it''s our parents chance to "show-off" how proud and happy they are for us. And these pepole have been so good to my parents that I''m glad to be able to honor them and my parents on my wedding day.

I would say that if you can afford it and your mom REALLY wants them there then to go ahead and do it. Although, I do agree with surfgirl, that the people I know (I used to live overseas myself) probably would not have invited their staff to their child''s wedding reception. Or well at least not ALL of them, old nannies probably but not the entire house staff.

Good Luck with your decision!

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Indy, for giving examples. Now that you mention it, I have heard of people having the type of job that comes with a house and a staff. Thanks for the explanation.