We''re not seeing eye to eye on the ring...advice please?

[carochinha]

My love and I are not seeing eye to eye on the engagement ring. I know what I want: a cushion set in a bezel with a simple white gold band. This requires picking out the stone and having the setting custom made, since I can''t see what I want in stores or online. He (not unusually for many men) wants to just go to store and pick something out ready made that he can see and feel and try on. I''ve found the ring and have told him that. He wants to go to a few stores, including two in Houston where we are traveling over a long weekend to meet some of his family members. He said he doesn''t want to purchase any ring until we''ve done that. Additionally, he is "haggling" with me over the ring budget. To put some perspective on this, we are both solid income earners and each own our own property - we are blessed (through hard work and luck) not to have to make truly difficult choices in this respect. On the other hand, I agree this is not where large amounts need to go - we agree money should be spent wisely. We''re talking about a difference of $1,500 between his budget and what I want. I''ve made a follow-up appointment for a jeweler for tomorrow afternoon to look at stones. He agreed to keep the appointment despite not agreeing with my method (picking a stone and having a custom setting). Which is great and I appreciate and told him so.

How can I get him to see his resistance at both my choice and the budget (we''re off by just $1,500 in our views) are somewhat unsettling to me? I guess I have not stated it in those terms to him. But I have made the arguments that we are financially ok, that the ring is something that I truly want to love and be happy with, that is something from him, given to me, with substance, as a symbol of our unity. I feel like I''m being bargained with and I don''t appreciate it. I didn''t even want a diamond to begin with! I always, always make sure we are fair to one another as far as sharing expenses, I don''t take anyting from him (materially) for granted. He knows this and I feel the same about him.

Help?

 

[Circe]

Hm ... could/would it reassure him if you were to choose a jeweler and show him examples of the quality of the work you''re commissioning? I think that could serve as a source of reassurance that you''re not signing up for whatever it is the jeweler feels like delivering. If you''re in Houston, perhaps you could drop by Whiteflash (highly respected PS vendor that does a lot of custom work) and see what they have to offer?

As for the bargain, I think all you can do is lay your arguments out as reasonably as you have here, with a cool head, and see what he comes back with. Many men value the symbolism of the e-ring less than women, so making him see that, a) this is something that *you* will be wearing every day for the rest of your life, and that, b) this is something you will be wearing *for the rest of your life* is important. Good luck on both counts!

 

[tlh]

compare it to a car. base model vs. the frills. How would he like for you to pick out his car that he''d drive forever, as well as the features and options on that car... even when your budget is so close, if it was an extra $1500 for some better tires... would he want that? probably... I think you just need to find what his thing is... and put it into his terms!

 

[musey]

ETA: whoa weird, I was trying to post that in your other thread! sorry about that

 

[honey22]

Ditto - if you are in Houston, check out Whiteflash or Brian Gavin Diamonds. You will be suprised at what you can get for your money at these places. If you are looking at jewellery store prices, I bet you could find the ring of your dreams without stretching that extra $1500.

www.whiteflash.com

www.briangavindiamonds.com

Drop them a line with your budget and requirements and see what they come up with. You can then arrange an appointment to check it out. I really think you will be suprised!

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

Instead of focusing on the budget for the ring I would focus on the qualities you are looking for.

Try on rings together and find out what size diamond you need to not go below. Show it to him as "this size looks best on my finger" rather than "this is a more expensive diamond". Do this with all the other 4 c''s and find out where you are willing to do a lower grade and which ones are less negotiable. (For example - I found the J color grade to be beautiful but wanted a higher clarity rating)

You might also want to try on different metals as well. For instance, would white gold be acceptable instead of platinum? How wide of a band do you need? You seem set on a bezel setting, it might be a good idea to try that style on with him and explain why you like it so much.

Then give him this info, written might be helpful, and allow him to find a diamond and/or ring that fits those criteria. By giving him the specifics you want he is free to find deals etc, while still making you happy.

As for the custom vs. in store issue: What is it about custom that he dislikes? Why does he want something that comes pre-made? Many times it can be cheaper to make your own design by buying a diamond loose and having it custom set - no designer to pay, no retail mark-up (unless you buy the diamond from a b&m store). We went the custom route mostly because of the price cut.

Good luck!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Hmmm...this is hard because I struggle with similar issues myself. When we started talking about getting engaged, Fwas NOT at all interested in ANYTHING that I had to say about the ring. When we finally discussed it, he felt it was unromantic for me to TELL him what I wanted instead of him going around searching for clues on his own. He thought I was taking the work away from him and he wanted to feel that my engagement ring was something that he choose with my tastes and style in mind and presented to me as a surprise. Is it possible that your FI feels the same? Maybe if you give him as detailed information as possible and trust him...you might get exactly what you are dreaming of and he gets to be the guy that just "gets" you.

On the other hand...the same idea has manifested itself on other issues that have nothing to do with the ring now that we are in the middle of wedding planning and it''s not fun to feel that the person who is asking you to spend forever with them is haggling about the cost of your shoes and your veil when you know that they spend more than that on their bike per month!

Find out what the root of the resistance is or you might find yourself winning one battle and feeling like you are constantly at war. It''s also a good idea to pick your battles and give in on the items that you don''t feel strongly about. (I let the wedding band debate die, he wanted NOTHING...no milgrain, no finish, nothing...I don''t feel strongly either way so we are going with simple comfort fit platinum bands).

Good Luck!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I struggled with something similar to this, difference in budget based on how long he was/not willing to wait to become engaged. He wanted it within the next couple of months, I was willing to wait so he could save and increase the budget. In the end I made the majority of the compromise for a few reasons. Its his money and he was not willing to allow me to contribute. He usually lets me have my way with most things I want on a daily basis. I could still get something gorgeous, it just wasn''t as big as I had once dreamed about. Like Tropiqalkiwi said, look at some diamonds and figure out where you can cut cost and compromise. For me it was clarity because I see color oh so very well.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

This isn''t much help with the custom/pre-made route... but.... as far as diamond cost goes...

By purchasing from a reputable online dealer, you can save a MAJOR chunk of that $1500. Stores *may* 1) inflate costs and mislead you or 2) inflate costs to pay for their overhead (ie: running a retail shoppe!)

If you can gain some extra wiggle room in the cost-department, then I think you should respectfully ask your FI to respect (that''s a lot of respect in one sentence...) your wishes to go custom. Then again, engagement rings *are* gifts and should not be "expected" by brides-to-be. If your FI is purchasing you a ring with his own earnings, then it should be his own pet project... But there''s nothing wrong with saying, "Sweetie, if you''re sure you want to get me a diamond ring, I know what style would make me SOOO happy." and give him a picture.

I''m sure he''ll find on his own that it isn''t in any B&M stores as a pre-made item, and he''ll have to go the custom route.

Now- if BOTH of you are paying for this ring... Well, be forward about what will and what will not make you happy.