what can I do to see my BF more often....

[lilyanne]

Please bear with me because I just joined this site and is my very first post. Read a bunch of posts and looks like a bunch of incredible people on hear that could give sound advice. Long story short...My BF and I work completely different hours or he works 85 hours a week and I work day shifts leaving the house from 7:30 and getting home around 5:40. He is a chef as well as a kitchen manager so if someone is to call in sick or can''t make a shift he has to make up the shift. Not only that but he works all game days (live in a college town) and any other event that happens in a resteraunt. It is quite stressing for me because I have no idea when he will be off and can''t count on any planned day off for special events either. I have a great job, work a lot less than him and make twice as much as him. I have worked really hard to get where I am and to be able to enjoy life as much as possible outside of work. I love my BF a ton and would love to spend the rest of my life with him (which he has been looking at engagement rings online) but I didn''t work this hard to be alone most of my time off work. We also both want kids and I don''t see how this is going to happen. If I am the one that makes the most money and pays for most of the bills is it unfair of me to expect him to take on half of the chores around the house and expect some time with him during the week? Should I be supportive of his job even though he seems to complain about it all the time which I get sick of hearing about? I want to make this work but I also find myself interested in other men that are interested in me because they have the time to give me attention and spend time together? I don''t want to feel this way but I don''t know if I have the right to tell him that he needs to find a job that we can spend more time together? He doesn''t have to have this job, I do expect him to contribute but with the complaining, getting paid a salary that to me would = a 40 hour work week not 85 hours and with no benefits. He doesn''t have a degree and he loves to cook but he hates the hours and drives me nuts that i have to go to any event by myself while everyone asks me where he is at and my response is obviously negative because I hate the fact that he hardly knows my friends.... for example... this weekend, my friends are having a halloween party, he has to work, next weekend, another halloween party and my dad''s 60th surprise bday party, both days he has to work.... I feel like I am single. Am I expecting too much?

 

[neatfreak]

First of all, welcome!

But unfortunately I think this is a conversation you need to have with HIM. Tell him openly how you are feeling and see what HE says about his job, the time you spend together, his feelings about kids and the future, etc.

We can all tell you what we think, but if he is unwilling to communicate with you about it the relationship just won''t work IMO.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Have you talked to him about this? I think you two need to have a discussion about it. Tell him how you feel, why it upsets you, what your concerns are. Try not to come off as attacking him, guys can be kind of sensitive when it comes to their jobs IME.

Truthfully, having someone complain constantly about something and making no attempt to change it would irritate me. Of course, I wouldn't put it like that to him! But it's not fair to burden your partner with a bunch of negativity when you're not taking any steps to remediate the issue, IMO. It's one thing to have a bad day at work, it's another to be perpetually unhappy there and- worse yet- to bring that unhappiness home with you.

I know the food service industry in general can be bad as far as hours/lack of predictable schedule goes, but maybe it would improve at least a bit at a different restaurant or something.

 

[lilyanne]

Thank you for responding so quickly. Yeah, not a problem with communication. I talk to him all the time about what is bugging me and how I feel about things. He knows it bothers me a ton and knows that I question our future because of it. He has asked me if I want him to quit. I don''t think it is my decision. I can only tell him how I feel and how much is sucks he can''t come with me on some of these social events. It also bothers me because I don''t feel like I know him very well because we hardly have any time to get to know one another due to lack of time together as well as I have no idea what he is like in various situations. Makes me nervous because he can say he is one way but doens''t mean he is until you are put in that situation.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/21/2008 2:25:22 PM
Author: lilyanne
Thank you for responding so quickly. Yeah, not a problem with communication. I talk to him all the time about what is bugging me and how I feel about things. He knows it bothers me a ton and knows that I question our future because of it. He has asked me if I want him to quit. I don''t think it is my decision. I can only tell him how I feel and how much is sucks he can''t come with me on some of these social events. It also bothers me because I don''t feel like I know him very well because we hardly have any time to get to know one another due to lack of time together as well as I have no idea what he is like in various situations. Makes me nervous because he can say he is one way but doens''t mean he is until you are put in that situation.

How long have you been together?

Do you think it''s the job itself that bothers you, or that it might be indicative of a deeper underlying issue (no direction in life)?

 

[lilyanne]

almost 2 years. I don''t think it is underlying issue. I know no one is perfect and we both have been through bad relationships. I was ok for awhile with it but the fact that I had to pick up all the slack around the house when he took this job 6 months ago. Which working a full time job, having pets, we decided to start a garden before he took this job and I am still trying to do things for myself and I am finding I am stressed because I don''t have enough time to do everything. He hasn''t mowed, yard work, garden work, house work and I can''t tell you the last time the house was dusted since he took this job so I know I am building resentment towards him for not keepin up his end of bargain. Especially when I am the one that pays for everything around the house. I have talked to him and he keeps telling me it is going to get better but everytime I turn around and have hope, I am disappointed. Maybe I just have too high of expectations?

 

[Sabine]

It sounds to me like you are giving him slightly mixed signals. You tell him you don''t like his work hours and not spending time with him, but you still don''t want to tell him what to do. Unfortunately, you need to decide for yourself.

1st decision you need to make: Is it just the hours that bothers you? If he had the exact same job and made the exact same money, would you want to be with him? If so, then tell him that. If not, then there are other issues here that a job change won''t fix.

If you do decide if he changes jobs/hours, everything would be better, then you need to tell him you are not happy being with him under these conditions, and that you do want him to make a change. It is then up to him whether he is willing to make a change or not, or how much of a change.

However, I would also say that you need to find out from him why he is working this job/schedule when he knows you are not happy with it. If it is a job that really means something to him, he thinks he is in the middle of working his way up, or he really just loves what he does, then you may just need to learn to compromise.