what do I do?

[jitterymo]

I don''t know what to do...my mom thinks I can do better...she thinks just because we aren''t engaged we never will be (she thinks that 5 years is to long to not be engaged), theres a bunch more she said in an e-mail to me yesterday and i''m sooo upset that she feels the way she does. I''m physically ill! I love my mom and I want her to love me and the choices I make, especially when it comes to my BF.

I don''t have anyone to talk to as she has said that everyone agrees with her and that no one would be upset if i broke up with BF...I don''t want to because I love him and he loves me...maybe love is so blind that i''m not seeing something, and maybe there is nothing...yes he''s not the most romantic man ever, but he treats me well and we get along and there''s passion and love and a great friendship...and there is respect...

my mom tends to take things out of proportion...i guess i''ll just need a couple of days to cool off...if not...i still don''t know what to do...

 

[princesss]

It''s your relationship, not hers. If she came to you with a valid concern (ie "It worries me when I see him doing x to you, it makes me think he doesn''t value you and it could get worse as time goes on. I will support you but wanted to let you know what worries me.") and was willing to listen to your response, that would be one thing. But it sounds like she didn''t.

So screw it. You love him, you respect him, and he loves and respects you. Mom needs to bow out unless she has something to base her concerns on.

 

[jcarlylew]

spinel - I have a pretty strenous relationship with my mother as well - she was appaled that i liked a ring that was only $500 as an ering. aparently "i could do better". Its doesnt start or stop there, and as my sister pointed out, for some reason i am ALWAYS seeking approval from my mom, even though i''ll complain to everyone with ears about how mean she is. finally (i mean, after 13 years of us having a bad relationship) I finally took my sisters advice. Now, i still tell my mom everything, but when she starts biting back with those hurtful comments i simple say
"mom, i appreciate your opinion, but this is what is best for me." or to the likes there off. She is having a HUGGEEE problem with me using my gma''s ring as an E ring and im just like "Look mom, we dont have a ton of money and like hell am i going to let E go into debt over a ring that is more than 2k! it doesnt make sense. plus, WE both like the fact that we''re using a family piece. I''d feel the same way if it came from E''s family!"

In your situation (with my mother) i would probably reply to her comments along the lines of
"I appreciate your concern for my welbeing, but SO loves me, i love him, and we have a wonderful relationship. he respects who i am, and my family. I couldnt ask for anymore more"


It might open her eyes?

Anyways, i''m glad you got a chance to vent, and you now know you are not the only one with a mom with mean comments

 

[fieryred33143]

Can you elaborate on what she said? Depending on what she said, she may either be overreacting or have legitimate reason for concern.

My mom had issues with my FI in the beginning and still does to an extent. I felt the same as you that I wanted my mom to be happy with my choices. But as much as I would love mommy’s approval, she has lived her life and is still living according to the way she sees fit and I will do the same. You’re an adult capable of making your own decisions and if that decision results in a mistake, then so be it. That’s life.

I would listen to what your mom says to an extent. Try to figure out whether there are legitimate concerns that she’s pointing out that perhaps you can’t see for yourself at the moment. And ask yourself whether the concerns she has are concerns that you should have as well. If there aren’t, then let it go. She’ll get over it.

 

[vita*dolce]

is the lack of an engagement ring the only concern she has? are you and your SO planning to be engaged, and if so does she know that? i understand why she might feel the way she does, 5 years is a long time! though if you have plans for your future, i''m not sure i understand her concern. a little more information would definitely be helpful! don''t worry too much about it, if you''re happy in your relationship, that is the only important thing!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am shocked at your mothers statements considering you are only 24 (correct me if I am not remembering incorrectly). I can understand being 24 and feeling ready to be married but getting pressured to do so from a parent is something I've never experienced.

I agree with the other posters who are wondering if your mothers concerns extend beyond the fact that he simply has not proposed yet. Do you know if she has other concerns that she is merely passing off as concerns that your SO is not serious?

I believe you thought your timeline was about 1-3 years and you stated you were fine with that. Have you expressed differently to your mother? Have you shared your frustration with her and the result is that she has told you maybe you need to seek a man who is more in line with your wants?

Bottom line is this is your relationship and your decision. Try talking to your mom - perhaps face to face or on the telephone instead of via e-mail. E-mail, IM and text messages leave too much room for misinterpretation. It's too easy to read an e-mail in a derogatory tone when the intention was never to be mean in the first place.

Talk to you mother about the situation. If possible, talk to her without your defenses up and then see what happens. You may be surprised by what she has to say.

 

[trillionaire]

Hmm... this is a tough one. I am going to have to go with Fiery, and say pay attention to what her concerns are. If they are unreasonable, then ok, keep it moving. In my experience with friends AND family, there has never been someone that people were strongly opposed to without reason. The people that love you want the very best for you, which is why they are critical. It could just be that they don''t see or hear enough from you how wonderful SO is. It''s tough for us to know without more information. You should know in your heart whether or not there is something wrong.

I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to rain on your parade. I have been dating my BF for 5 years as well, and lord only knows when we will get engaged, and I am older than you

and Miss Honey around here on PS was dating 11 or 12 years and just got engaged this summer. It''s your life, not a race or competition.

 

[jcarlylew]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 52px">Date: 8/26/2008 5:39:57 PM
Author: trillionaire
Hmm... this is a tough one. I am going to have to go with Fiery, and say pay attention to what her concerns are. If they are unreasonable, then ok, keep it moving. In my experience with friends AND family, there has never been someone that people were strongly opposed to without reason. The people that love you want the very best for you, which is why they are critical. It could just be that they don''t see or hear enough from you how wonderful SO is. It''s tough for us to know without more information. You should know in your heart whether or not there is something wrong.

I''m sorry, I didn''t mean to rain on your parade. I have been dating my BF for 5 years as well, and lord only knows when we will get engaged, and I am older than you

and Miss Honey around here on PS was dating 11 or 12 years and just got engaged this summer. It''s your life, not a race or competition.

Trill that is such a good point! I cannot count how many conversations go "oh, you''ve only been dating x years and youre already engaged" or the "isnt it time you two are engaged?"
heck, i even had a *VERY* young mother of 4 tell me that i should probably start having children before i get too old (im 25)

Let us know how it is going Spinel!

 

[LaraOnline]

Why did she suddenly write you this email? Do you talk about 'relationship' stuff all the time together, or is this a bolt from the blue? If so, what do you think brought the email on?

She undoubtedly loves you. She is probably worried that the BF will not propose, and that you will be robbed of the future she wants so badly for you: a happy, deep, solid marriage with a giving, loving man ... and, undoubtedly, kids.

ETA: I've just noticed that other posters are saying you are 24? Perhaps, rather than specifically worrying about you not marrying at all, she is worried that you are not using your time as productively as possible - perhaps the BF is not quite 'shaping up?
Hard to say, from here!

You certainly can tell your mum that your BF is 'your relationship, not hers'. But that is not helping you any. My mum always thought a particular guy friend was 'the one' for me. Not quite, but there were a lot of aspects of his character that I really should have looked for in a partner, but didn't.
I just dismissed Mum's advice out of hand, and didn't select a suitable boyfriend.

Mums can be very useful! Often they see things in a different way to you, that might actually be helpful, not silly. They might be old(er) but they are not just mums, they are women too, and have had experience, from before they changed their life to accommodate you.

Is your boyfriend responsible for you, is he 'plugged in' enough to be in a position to propose? Or is he childishly 'anti-marriage'?

Five years can be quite a time to be with someone, depending to some extent on your age. Perhaps she is worried that his intentions are not specific enough to aid your lifelong happiness?

Because her intentions are honourable, I would try to let it pass. She feels powerless to protect you from harm. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and try to look objectively (big ask) at what she is talking about. You have time to change tack, if that is indeed what you need to do, and she is probably just trying to be a good mum!

 

[jitterymo]

Thank you all for your comments...

This all came about because the "grandma" (I say that in quotes because she''s not really my grandmother, she''s just an older lady that my mom has been working for the last 10 years, and has decided that we are her grandchildren) found out that my boyfriend and I were living together and not married...her exact quote "do you not want to be married and have babies, do you not want babies?" looking back now it''s kind of funny the way she said it...

Anyways it seems to be blowing off faster than I thought...I know that she is looking out for my best interest and wants me to be happy...and maybe i''m not showing her enough that I AM happy (which i am!)...so that''s something I''m going to work on...and Boyfriend and I are going to have my parents over for dinner next week...that way we can get everything out on the table...i think we are intitled to know what they think and what they expect out of us...

I''m pretty sure that for the most part it''s the lack of engagement, but i''m sure that has lead her to start looking at BF really closely and trying to pick him apart and find everything he is lacking...and all of his non-perfectness...hehehe because we all know that everyone is perfect...at least when it comes to boys going after your daughter, right? Anyways he has flaws and we''ve been working very hard on them...and don''t get me wrong, i have my flaws toooooo and some of them are BIG!!! But we both have room to grow, and we want to grow together!!!

My mother has a reputation for over reacting, and blowing things way out of proportion! She thinks that because she did things a certain way that i too should be doing it that way...one thing she said was..."I started dating your dad in December and the following August we were married"...thats great mom, but I''m not you and I want to do it this way...she was 21 and he was 19...way young but i do have to say that on Saturday they will be celebrating their 28th wedding anniversary (and by the time she was my age - yes I''m 24 - she had two kids)...but trust me there were times when we didn''t think that there were going to be any more anniversarys...

Ok once again Thank you all for your comments and suggestions...It''s so refreshing to know i have somewhere to vent...even if it''s over stupid things...!!!