What do you do for yourself?

[Tacori E-ring]

I had a friend ask me what I do for myself and I actually had trouble answering. I am curious if everyone has this problem or if it is just me. Somehow I let life, kid, husband, house all get in the way for this I truly love to do. Besides PS, all my hobbies have seem to taken a backseat. One of my New Year resolutions is going to be taking more time for myself. Do you have the same problem or have you figured out the secret life formula to having it all?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Interesting question!

Does it make me lame that I do things like PS for myself? And read?

Even lamer might be the fact that my job is really more like a hobby/addiction/passion than simply a profession. I get my kicks doing research and writing articles and giving lectures. Many of my friends in this field say the same thing. So my job is basically my hobby and my me time. In some ways it is very selfish to be able to indulge in an academic career, so I guess I like to wallow in that sometimes.

I do every once in a while feel like a should start doing yoga again and also painting and all the other creative things I have done over the years. But then again I strive for a simple life without too many obligations, so I wonder if doing all those things would feel more like work than my work and homelife currently does.

If I didn''t have my career I think a concerted effort to find a passion outside of family would be in the cards for me, for sure.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t ever think that I need more time for myself, but I enjoy reading and exercise and do make time for those things (and my husband bought me a sewing machine, a new hobby I''m totally looking forward to). I love my job and view it as something I do for myself, so I guess you could include that in my list. I also see things like a clean house and a good homemade meal as for me, because they make me happy. My favorite thing to do is spend time with my husband and I imagine the baby will be included in that mix when she arrives, so I don''t see that as in the way, it''s something I want to do as much as possible.

 

[miraclesrule]

This week, I am making a massage appointment.

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 12/28/2009 9:09:01 PM
Author:Tacori E-ring
I had a friend ask me what I do for myself and I actually had trouble answering. I am curious if everyone has this problem or if it is just me. Somehow I let life, kid, husband, house all get in the way for this I truly love to do. Besides PS, all my hobbies have seem to taken a backseat. One of my New Year resolutions is going to be taking more time for myself. Do you have the same problem or have you figured out the secret life formula to having it all?

Don''t fret! It is just a phase of your life, a natural one. Right now, watching how T reacts to each new situation and sharing those things with those you love is the priority for you! And it should. I''m a big believer in free will, however women are genetically programmed to nurture our children until they''re able to provide for and sustain themselves. Our intellectual evolution cannot supplant the hundreds of thousands of years of genetic evolution.

I''m going to play the "old lady" card and say that I know exactly where you''re coming from. But there''s a reason women say that their lives truly begin anew at 40!

 

[joflier]

Now that I''m single and alone, I''ve become a workaholic. Thus, I spend a LOT of money on myself. I spoil myself, actually. That''s something I''ve not done much before. Why not? I have the rest of my life to spoil someone else, so for today, it''s gonna be all about me.

(that''s the theory, anyhow) Then I don''t feel so bad about being alone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DD, I think it is wonderful you are in love with your job. I am a SAHM so maybe that is part of my problem!

I do consider PS something I do for myself. I also love to read. I just used to do so much more. I would paint, draw, bead jewelry, go to movies, etc...I know I cannot go from one extreme to the other since I do have a child but am hoping I can find a middle ground. I don''t want to lose myself KWIM?

Kim, sounds like you have the secret formula that works for you. I do not feel bad saying that FOR ME being a SAHM to a toddler is draining. Very difficult. Don''t get me wrong it has lots of benefits and I feel grateful I have the opportunity *but* I need to do more for myself without feeling guilty or that I am being selfish.

miracles, good for you! I have never had one (or any spa treatment). Maybe that should go on my list

Upgradable, thanks lady. I know it is a common feeling for young mothers or I should say mothers of young children! I have lots of stress in my life (things I don''t discuss on PS) so I am just trying to focus more on myself for 2010. I am applying to grad school and I think that could do wonders for me. T is a lot of things but intellectually stimulating she is not

I believe that life is gonna be so much more about me in 10 years! Can''t wait. Haha.

Joflier, that is a good theory. We all deserve to spoil ourselves. I certainly do not spoil myself at all. My friend said I could only count shopping as something I am doing for myself IF I am buying things for me. She knows me pretty well

 

[zoebartlett]

Tacori, you know we don''t have kids yet, so I probably have more free time than those who do have a family. I do, however, find it hard to leave work at work - I always end up bringing home things to do (projects to work on, plans to outline, research to do...). When I want to truly get away from it all though and focus my energy on something else, I generally read, talk on the phone, hang out at the bookstore with a cup of coffee or tea, go to the movies, or even take a mini vacation with D. Other than get-aways with D., most of those aren''t the most exciting things to do, but sadly, I don''t have any creative hobbies. I suppose I could look into taking a drawing or painting class (or something else), but I haven''t done that yet.

One thing I want (and need) to do is get back in the habit of going to the gym after work. That''s something I used to make a priority before we moved, and I have to do that again.

 

[gardengloves]

What do I do for myself?

A day at home with a book in sweat pants and tee shirt, a couple of old movies to rerun, lots of newspapers and internet news sites, and maybe a massage. Very healing to spend quiet time curled up with a good book - just a day with nothing planned.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 12/28/2009 9:58:46 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
DD, I think it is wonderful you are in love with your job. I am a SAHM so maybe that is part of my problem!

I do consider PS something I do for myself. I also love to read. I just used to do so much more. I would paint, draw, bead jewelry, go to movies, etc...I know I cannot go from one extreme to the other since I do have a child but am hoping I can find a middle ground. I don''t want to lose myself KWIM?

I do know what you mean! Being home this year with Hunter has been wonderful and... overwhelming, crazy, mind numbing... the good and bad comingle for me. It has saved my bacon knowing that I had a job to go back to at the end of the year, and also planning our move and having other distractions. I really think being a SAHM in this day and age where people live far apart from one another and don''t necessarily live in a metaphorical "village" anymore is just so difficult. Some women thrive as SAHMs, but I am not one of them. I think you can find a middle ground, especially as T gets older. My friend just sent me an email telling me about how much easier a 3 year old is because she can play by herself with some friends with only minimal supervision! haha... seems pretty nice. What are you thinking of studying in grad school? I loved grad school. I am glad it is over now

but it is am amazing thing to do if you can swing it.

 

[Kaleigh]

Tacori,
I was the same way. If I could give you some advice now that mine are grown.... Do for yourself, whatever that may be. If Momma ain''t happy ain''t no one happy. I wish I had done more for myself , but was so busy and was also taking care of my Nanny. I will say, I did make time for friends. Had lunches out, or went over to their house to have a chat... I also played a ton of Tennis and that kept me sane. Nothing like wacking that ball to get your agressions out!!!!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Reading is the big one for me. I have a lot of friends in law school who are just dumbfounded that I have time to read, but I make time for it. I read on the bus, at night, if I have a few hours to myself and nothing to do, etc.

I chase after the kittens

I love to bake

I like to sketch sometimes, and sometimes I''ll crochet for the heck of it.

I''m pretty boring

 

[Lilac]

I will admit I don''t have kids yet so I''m sure once I do this will change, but for now despite the schoolwork, work, cooking, cleaning, husband, etc. I DVR my soap operas and watch them. Sometimes I catch up on them on weekends, sometimes I''ll fast forward through them and watch just the parts I enjoy at night, and sometimes I can sit down and watch the whole thing each night (depending on how much work, schoolwork, housework needs to get done). Soap operas are my guilty pleasure - I know they''re silly and pretty pointless, but I just like the mindless entertainment for a little while. And then I talk to my mom about it because she watches the same shows I do.

I also read on weekends. Usually Friday night (on the Sabbath) DH and I get into bed and we each read a book or magazine (usually his is sports-related and mine is either Cosmopolitan, Soap Opera Digest, or a book I take out of the library) and we relax together each enjoying our own reading material.

But I''m very aware that one day with kids I''ll have less time, so I try to enjoy the free time now when it''s available.

I try not to spoil myself with things that involve money because I prefer to save money whenever possible. So I try to stick to the soap operas and reading to help me relax and take time for myself.

 

[Miscka]

Man, I don''t even have a kid and I have this problem!

I try really hard to cultivate my interest in something. I like to have a project all the time.

Also, and this is my biggest one, I take moments alone in the morning and at night, to do whatever I want and drink a mug of coffee (in the AM) or tea (in the PM). It just feels...luxurious and calming. Like, I will do whatever needs to be done but during those times I really only do what I want. If I want to watch crappy TV during coffee, I do. If I want to read or play scrabble on my phone while I drink my tea before bed, I do. I don''t let things interrupt, whatever it is can wait a few minutes. Simple but makes me really happy.

 

[AmberGretchen]

My hobbies right now include training dogs for a local rescue (draining sometimes, but so rewarding!), and digital photography (great because it also allows me to decorate my apartment inexpensively).

I also like all things girly, so getting my nails done or my hair cut is always a treat, or any kind of shopping (especially for makeup

)

I''m also definitely a workaholic, and I''ve just started a very demanding job a few months ago, so I''m trying really hard to make sure I still make time for all of those things plus spending quality time with DH, friends, family, and my kitties.

 

[TravelingGal]

I try and do a few things here and there for myself.

My latest obsession is reading on my Kindle. I do it every night (about to curl up with another book actually). It takes me 3-4 hours your typical length easy reading book so I''m going through a book a night.

I also go out with my girlfriends quite a bit. For awhile, we were trying all the various places for tea in L.A. We also like fine dining.

So let''s see...I''m a lazy sloth who sits on the couches and reads and when I actually do get up and get out, it''s to eat. Any wonder I haven''t lost any of the preggo weight?

 

[miraclesrule]

GAH!!

Tacori!!!! I am writing you a prescription. One Zen massage. You simply can''t go through life without a massage. However, I must warn you...they can be habit forming.

 

[monarch64]

I don''t have kids (or a husband anymore, hee hee)...I think I mastered the ability to do things for myself a long time ago, though. I''ve always enjoyed my "alone" time and I will drop everything, socializing, whatever, to just take a "me" weekend and do whatever I feel like doing as my mood allows. My mother has told me since I was in my early twenties that she thinks maybe I am too independent but I see that as a compliment, not a dig. I wouldn''t be happy if I wasn''t a bit selfish and took advantage of time every now and then to turn off my phone, shut down my computer, and just do whatever I want to do. If I hadn''t turned down a bunch of social invitations on Labor Day weekend this past fall I would never have met my SO. That would''ve been a crime.

I think if I get married again and have children I will still make sure to put my responsibilities in the hands of someone else (who is capable/competent) and just do "me" stuff. I''m all about life being too short and stopping to smell the roses. Yes, at times it might be seen as me being lazy and unmotivated, but I''ve accomplished a lot in life and I really value sitting back and enjoying the life I have no matter what my circumstances are. I like me. And I''m cool with hanging out with me just because. I am fun! LOL

I think part of this personality trait of mine comes from growing up with a SAHM who is STILL frazzled from doing too much, and thinks she has to be doing something productive or helpful to her family constantly. She''s pretty stressed, and at 67, who wants to be stressed? She took time to indulge her hobbies, sure, but she was always making something to sell to have extra cash to buy someone else something, or teaching a class on one of her hobbies, or volunteering her time/skills, or whatever. It was/is never for just her.

Tacori, maybe think about what you would do if you didn''t have your DH and Tessa or anyone else in life. Imagining that will be probably the most difficult thing you could ever think of, but once you get past that, what is your dream? What would make you really happy if you didn''t have a family? Write it down. Think about it. Ponder. Then figure out a way to make time for it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Zoe, I hope you have a great time in Charleston. The gym is good. I used to be better about going. Some days that is the only break I get from T. I do kinda want to learn to knit. I figure that might be a fun and relaxing hobby.

garden, sounds like you have it figured out too. I love the days I don''t get dressed.

DD, I am so excited to send T to preschool next year. We both need a break from each other. Don''t scare me before I even start! I am going to take it slow. Maybe only take one or two classes my first semester (if I get accepted) and see how workable it is with T. My original plan was to wait until my youngest is in school so I guess I am getting a head start! I want to be a counselor.

Kaleigh, thats why this is a resolution for me. It was a wake-up call when I couldn''t think of 5 things I do for myself on a regular basis. My friends are busy with their own kids. I know things will get easier once she gets a little older. I could always take up tennis

Brown.eyed, boring is good. Trust me on that one.

Lilac, yes enjoy your time NOW! I also love mindless TV but get my dose in the form of reality.

Miscka, that is a beautiful way to look at it. Simple makes me happy too.

Amber, I wish I had more time/energy for photography. Good luck with the balancing act.

TGal, do you like your Kindle? Is it hard/annoying reading on a screen? Sounds like you have a nice balance too. Babysitting is an issue with me. Wish my parents lived here.

Miracles, THAT''S what I am afraid of! Sounds like an expensive habit!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Monarch, thanks for the pep talk.

I think going back to school is the first step to "finding" my voice again. I am so glad you are so happy. You deserve it my little china twin!!!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/28/2009 11:41:55 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Monarch, thanks for the pep talk.

I think going back to school is the first step to ''finding'' my voice again. I am so glad you are so happy. You deserve it my little china twin!!!

You are most welcome. I''m really glad you went back to school and have found yourself again, that is so important to maintain. And one precedent I have set with SO has been in expressing to him that I HAVE to have my "me" time no matter what. It hasn''t been expressed in a selfish way, it is simply he and I discussing our separate pastimes/hobbies/love for all things "alone" and our mutual acceptance of the fact that we need time apart and if we choose to spend our lives together and have a family we will always make it a priority to give each other space and time away. I don''t think anything can make a bond between a couple grow stronger (other than children) than making a point of acknowledging differences and encouraging personal growth.

Thank you for being happy for me. You have seen me through some tough times and I am more than pleased to reciprocate whenever I can.

 

[Circe]

Date: 12/28/2009 9:09:01 PM
Author:Tacori E-ring
I had a friend ask me what I do for myself and I actually had trouble answering. I am curious if everyone has this problem or if it is just me. Somehow I let life, kid, husband, house all get in the way for this I truly love to do. Besides PS, all my hobbies have seem to taken a backseat. One of my New Year resolutions is going to be taking more time for myself. Do you have the same problem or have you figured out the secret life formula to having it all?

Tacori, I am sure that you have a rich and fulfilling life because I generally love to read your posts. There''s no snarkiness here.

But if all I had to go on was this post? I would be shuddering in sincere horror, as that sounds awful.

I do less of what I like as I interact with others, sure - obligations to family and workplace and husband and friends (not necessarily in that order). But if I didn''t make the time for long baths, good books, solitary walks, the luxury of visiting flea markets, museums, manicures - all the things that I enjoy on one level of animal or intellectual pleasure or another - I think I''d go mad.

I am sure that some people are cut out for lives of service, but I also know that I ain''t one of them.

 

[Kaleigh]

Does your husband help out?? I know when my kids were little, hubby helped out a lot. Then he found the game of golf....

I was fine by that time, had a very good routine going on... But did love that he was there when I needed him most.... I didn''t have family that could help out.

Tacori,
Don''t beat yourself up. You are well on your way to figuring all of this out. It takes time to find the right balance. If anyone can do it, I know YOU will. You are a very wise Mom. I really admire you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

You can make school work, it just means shifting things around. And a counselling programme will be very understanding. Most of the ones I know prefer real life experience over book learning, which makes them more accommodating to people with real lives!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Personally, I haven''t found the "secret life formula." Yes, I''ve found plenty of interest, but with two kids, no matter how I attempt to organize time/activities, something is neglected so there isn''t any perfection in any department. If I work in the garden, the laundry backs up. If I clean my fish tanks (my newest hobby), the floors & dishes don''t get done. Etc. The problem is I DO have the habit of letting the household jobs get behind so that I can have fun with hobbies instead. It horrifies my husband that my fish tanks all have perfect water conditions, yet our hot tub sits empty (I had promised to fill it a few months back!).

Okay, I just realized I have the opposite problem. I can list 20 things I do for me, but 1 that I do as a good SAHM - which basically is I make sure we have dinner every night.

 

[reader]

I used to feel guilty about running out of the house to drive somewhere, anywhere, interesting. My husband has reminded me that it is what I truly do for myself, go for a drive someplace new.

Then again, my kid is 16. When kidlet was very little, I was very trapped. As she got older we went on fun day trips and that really helped.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Tacori, the big thing I do for myself is study for a new career.

I originally trained as a psychologist, then worked in research posts and moved into policy and management in health and social services. It was supposed to be my dream job but I wasn''t happy. I was always interested in law, so just for me, I went to law school part time while I was working. I finished my degree when DD was born (I was finishing off my dissertation while I was in labour haha). When my DD was 14 months, I started a postgraduate diploma in law so that I can practice when she''s older. I have a new lease of life, I love law and I''m so excited to start working in my new field (fingers crossed I find a job).

There''s no magic formula (that I''ve found), but for me, having a fairly long term plan kept me sane and gave me something to focus on beyond home and family. I was a SAHM for 14 months and while I enjoyed it, I''m also happy to be back at school. It''s been easier than I feared to keep a good balance, although I have to say that DD is currently Daddy''s girl, since he spends more time with her now. That stung a bit, but looking at the bigger picture, it''s great for both of them. I''m happier, so she is too.

I also like to look at shiny things on PS a lot and my occasional trips to the gym will usually involve a massage and a facial rather than your actual exercise, which also helps.

 

[Sizzle]

I haven''t done much for myself,except for buy myself presents. I can totally relate to those commericals where people sneak off with their personal televisions. I totally want one of those! I had been watching wedding TV on Sunday nights, but even that time has been invaded. hmm I''m smelling a 2010 New Years Resolution!

 

[soocool]

Date: 12/28/2009 9:58:46 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
DD, I think it is wonderful you are in love with your job. I am a SAHM so maybe that is part of my problem!

I do consider PS something I do for myself. I also love to read. I just used to do so much more. I would paint, draw, bead jewelry, go to movies, etc...I know I cannot go from one extreme to the other since I do have a child but am hoping I can find a middle ground. I don''t want to lose myself KWIM?

Kim, sounds like you have the secret formula that works for you. I do not feel bad saying that FOR ME being a SAHM to a toddler is draining. Very difficult. Don''t get me wrong it has lots of benefits and I feel grateful I have the opportunity *but* I need to do more for myself without feeling guilty or that I am being selfish.

miracles, good for you! I have never had one (or any spa treatment). Maybe that should go on my list

Upgradable, thanks lady. I know it is a common feeling for young mothers or I should say mothers of young children! I have lots of stress in my life (things I don''t discuss on PS) so I am just trying to focus more on myself for 2010. I am applying to grad school and I think that could do wonders for me. T is a lot of things but intellectually stimulating she is not

I believe that life is gonna be so much more about me in 10 years! Can''t wait. Haha.

Joflier, that is a good theory. We all deserve to spoil ourselves. I certainly do not spoil myself at all. My friend said I could only count shopping as something I am doing for myself IF I am buying things for me. She knows me pretty well

One thing that I did when I became a SAHM was to find another mom who would trade child watching day with me. One day a week I would watch her kid while she pursued whatever she wanted to do and she did the same for me. This is when I took a sewing classes, knitting classes, etc. Worked for about 3 years until the kids started preschool. Then a little more time opened up and I traded days picking up the kids from preschool. Preschool at first was 3 days a week so three of us took one day and had 3 kids at our house until about 3pm. That was ok because after feeding them lunch they took a nap until 3 pm and each mom would get an extended day to do what she wanted.

Once DD was in elementary school I began to work part time, but for me it was "fun" retail especially where I got a discount. As she got older I still worked part time but this time a job that better suited my talents. DD is 17, a junior in high school and will be off to college in less than 2 years. Then I have to make plans because I will have even more free time on my hands.

Don''t worry, you''ll get it all figured out. Good luck with grad school. That will give you the mental stimulus you need right now and you''ll never regret it.

 

[steph72276]

Hey, Tacori! You are not alone in how you feel. Lots of mothers of young children feel the same way at some point b/c we tend to focus all of our energy and time on them and in the process sort of lose touch with the things we enjoy to do. I know that things got so much easier for me when Andrew started preschool last year at 3. We just put him in our church preschool 2 days a week for a couple of hours and it really helped! I got to focus on doing what I wanted, even if it was just a few hours a week. I worked out, read, shopped, went to lunch with friends, went on lunch dates with my hubby, pedicures, etc. And Andrew LOVED school and hanging out with other kids. Mine was short lived, since I will have another baby here anyday, but just wanted to tell you that it does get better! Oh, and good luck with grad school....my goal is to finish my master''s one of these days as well