What do you do when someone makes everything about themselves?

[monarch64]

Sometimes I like to “HEY, I feel you, omg, I JUST had the same experience and here’s what happened!!!”

But mostly, I listen to people and wait to respond until they’re finished speaking their thoughts.

I find that, increasingly, people don’t bother waiting. They forge ahead and ignore their convo buddy, and/or they don’t give them a chance to speak in the first place.

My mother is awful about the one-upping (but save it for later when she feels like discussing! Don’t you dare say anything NOW!) but great about listening and really receiving my thoughts and feelings. She kind of just hates if I go over 15-20 minutes. Apparently that’s all she can take and beyond 15 is HER Time.

How do you handle this? I love my mother so much but she really drives me nuts. I am proactively trying my best to “do no harm” to my own child. I’ve been really strict with baby rules and am glad i did.

 

[monarch64]

And sorry; I should have made something clearer:

When you’re relating something that happened in your life and someone else butts in and says “oh yes, but I remember when …la la la” That makes me want to immediately “correct” the person. (If you know what I mean by “correct.”)

 

[Ally T]

I find it really irritating & I hear your frustration. I am a good listener & I’m always there for people. Yes, I’ve had my own experiences & sometimes, later on when a proper convo is taking place, I can offer what worked for me & what I found when I went through a similar thing etc.

I always try very hard to focus on what a person is telling me & read their emotions as they do. Sometimes they actually WANT you to step in & stop them rambling, make them feel better & say look, it happens to the best of us. But sometimes they don’t & they REALLY need to download. I work in a Primary school (kindergarten) so I’ve got very good at just listening & trying to help the thoughts un jumble. It serves me well with my teenagers & adults too.

 

[dk168]

I am not a good listener, full stop, and would often make some excuse and walk off, usually when the person is getting drunk and starts to lose their inhibitions.

Those in my inner circle/circle of trust, know to keep conversations short and sweet.

DK

 

[monarch64]

I find it really irritating & I hear your frustration. I am a good listener & I’m always there for people. Yes, I’ve had my own experiences & sometimes, later on when a proper convo is taking place, I can offer what worked for me & what I found when I went through a similar thing etc.

I always try very hard to focus on what a person is telling me & read their emotions as they do. Sometimes they actually WANT you to step in & stop them rambling, make them feel better & say look, it happens to the best of us. But sometimes they don’t & they REALLY need to download. I work in a Primary school (kindergarten) so I’ve got very good at just listening & trying to help the thoughts un jumble. It serves me well with my teenagers & adults too.

Thank you and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Please share whatever you have and know that we are suuuupper tight aka we’re not gonna swipe your stuff and leave.


I think I’m posting because I’m looking for commiseration. If I could go back and change the thread title, I’d change it to something more fitting.

 

[missy]

I find that frustrating too and have a friend who does that at every chance. And she always feels the need to top me if you kwim. I take it with grace and humor and just accept it as I still care about her. She is a bit of a narcissist (not using that term as a medical professional but rather a layperson) but she is not a bad person.

However, at every turn, she interrupts and has to share how her experience was so much worse/better etc. It can be maddening. In fact even during tragedies she makes it about herself. I have never seen anything like it. But I keep my mouth shut. Listen to her go on and on and am a supportive friend to her.

I know we all have faults and so that is part of the reason I accept it. Another part of the reason is she is a good person and I know that. Despite this trait.

As I get older I realize what is important (to me) and what is not important. I have ended friendships over things like values and character. But for something like this IMO it's not a fatal flaw. For me. I hope that makes sense.

I will add I am a very good listener and I work hard to actively listen and not interrupt because I find it annoying so I don't want to do that to others. Being self aware goes a long way and I think some people (who always make things about themselves) are just not self aware. My take on the situation.

I am sorry you are dealing with this Monnie and I do get how frustrating it can be. I wish I had better advice for you. Except to add sometimes I do say to the person who is interrupting and being rude, hey, stop that, You're being rude, I was talking. That was more so when I was younger. But for the most part now I just listen and bear it

 

[Ally T]

Thank you and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Please share whatever you have and know that we are suuuupper tight aka we’re not gonna swipe your stuff and leave.


I think I’m posting because I’m looking for commiseration. If I could go back and change the thread title, I’d change it to something more fitting.

Hugs to you, beautiful. My mother is almost 81 & the most placid person I have ever met, despite some rough, tough sh!t that she’s been through. She really listens to me & helps to talk me down when I am on the ceiling with stress or worry. Even Mr T will ask if I’ve spoken to my mother when I’m in a tizzy, because he knows she does a far better job than he can do

However. The in laws are a different kettle of fish, particularly the youngest (& very spoiled, mollycoddled) bro in law. He really tests my patience. He goes down a rabbit hole on YouTube about health & fitness, then goes on & on & on & on…… Lectures everyone like we are not healthy people (we are & we all work hard at exercising & healthy living) because CLEARLY nobody is a healthy as he. So on he goes. If he’s there & I’m just back from a run it’ll be “How far?” & I’ll say “10k” & he’ll say “you know you can really improve on that & get to 15k if you eat 25 cans of chickpeas a day……” Boils my p!ss!!

 

[Mrsz1ppy]

I had lots of PTSD from being raised by 2 narcissists (not my Dx, but a psychiatrist). Distance and boundaries have helped me recover the most. I am low contact with my parents, but that boundary was really hard to enforce when I lived in the same town. Please continue to try and protect your child/ren and raise them differently than you were raised. My children are now 30 and 32, and they know I tried my best to improve on how my parents raised me. My parents still try to run my life and I am 63!

When I can, I try to remember that the person I'm listening to needs to be:
heard, hugged or helped. I tend to jump to help (or interfere, depending on your point of view) when that is not what the person is looking for, because I am still modelling my parents', but am actively working on asking what they need, especially with my adult children.

 

[hardwear]

I am a good listener as well. And I think that is the downfall for many of us
as "good listener". We listen, we offer advice if wanted/needed, we talk them down, help them think outside the box or offer kind words/hugs. What ends up happening is that these same folks truly believe we have no problems in our lives. The fact is we never get a chance to speak up or tell our story, we usually are no drama personalities and choose not to bring attention to ourselves in the first place. We are almost allergic to asking for help/advice- feeling that no one will really hear us. And the tendency for people to cut us off in the middle of a conversation is because they know we won't say anything and essentially move the conversation back to them- because again- they are the important ones having problems.

Personally, I feel I learned this behavior as a young child to protect myself. Because
my mother/parents (mothers are huge influences) never made it about me. I never felt like I could voice my opinion, feelings, emotions, etc.. and when I did, it was sort of dismissed with a wave of the hand and went straight into what was currently the most important thing happening to them/her. Talking it out with my mom is like talking to a brick wall. Father passed away, he never defended us. Quiet, generous, humble, passive, man - he liked to keep busy with work and then volunteer work after retiring and he kept up with the changing times. Miss him, but sometimes I feel like my sibling and I never really had a relationship with him.

I have spoken up to friends, in-laws, spouse, kids and in those situations I have had the proper 2way conversation/communication and I have been surprised at the outcomes and think - huh that's what normal is?

I pray I have not messed up being a mom- I have tried to do the opposite of everything I have had to deal with.

@monarch64 - maybe set a limit with your time with her, live or a phone call. Once you gain control of when to call, when to listen, when to hang up, or when not to call or show up for a few days if you live nearby. You have the power to protect yourself from all kinds of hurts. It took me so long to figure that out! and I am still learning and I still get some zingers thrown at me and still hits so hard and cuts so deep.
good luck and I am sure you will get some very good advice and definitely many shoulders to lean on here.

 

[monarch64]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I’m mulling all of this over.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Those kinds of people seldom, if ever, change. No matter what is going on in your life, it can never top their troubles or their stories or their concerns. Once you acknowledge that, I think you can stop feeling so disappointed in them - you just know the score. Limiting time with them is sometimes the best road to take. If they are friends, that can be easier to do than if they are family. Lowering expectations to meet reality is a good coping mechanism. However, it doesn’t erase the hurt you might feel in largely being ignored or glossed over as far more insignificant. Really good friends that share and share alike with you are sometimes hard to come by, but when you find them, keep them!

 

[Piper70]

My husband is a champ when it comes to topping me. It’s annoying, but in his case, I understand where it’s coming from. He was actually handicapped when he was young and I’m sure his parents did the best they could, but it definitely had an effect on his Self-esteem, being handicapped and overweight because of being handicapped. Fortunately, it was something that he was able to grow out of and he is physically fine, but I can tell his self-esteem suffered because of it. So that, I generally try to overlook his commandeering of all these situations. Your choice is to either ignore it, or call it out and try to fix it.

 

[kenny]

"What do you do when someone makes everything about themselves?"

Hey!
I thought we couldn't talk about politics here.

 

[seaurchin]

I recommend shouting "Shut up, stupid!" every time they try to make your issue all about themselves. Or, for those who are too shy to talk to the offender like that, snap your fingers in their face a couple of times. You know, so they learn.

Then come back and report the results, please!

Seriously though, sometimes I'd just love to...

 

[ringbling17]

I have a friend like this and I sort of avoid her now. It seems anytime I would call her about something going on my life, it would always become a me me me one way conversation. I could hardly get a word in even though I'm the one who called and needed the advice, to vent, etc.
For example I would start with I have to tell you what happened to me at work and she would say, wait- let me tell you what happened first to me. Then I would never be able to tell her my story bc she would go on and on and then move to the next story. Before I knew it an hr or two would go by and then we would hang up.
Plus she was always trying to invite herself over to my house for a vacation week and when I explained I was working that week and couldn't really hang out, she would get upset with me. Or try to say it was okay if I was working, she could entertain herself but would she be able to use my car to get around. Umm no!
So now I just avoid her on the phone but we do text once in a while. We have been friends since 2000 and she wasn't always like this, but lately my tolerance has been really low.

 

[MMtwo]

I have no answers, but I fully feel you!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I weed them out. I need some level of reciprocity in a relationship.

 

[DutchJackie]

Autism runs deep in our families. So I expect with certain family members that I never get to the point of my story. I will be derailed and sidetracked and end up where their associations take them. They’re good people but communication can be challenging. Being neurotypical I expect to stay on subject. But well…

And because it’s their associations that take over the story, it can seem that they make it all about themselves. But it’s just a communication thing. Maybe this perspective can help?

 

[monarch64]

Autism runs deep in our families. So I expect with certain family members that I never get to the point of my story. I will be derailed and sidetracked and end up where their associations take them. They’re good people but communication can be challenging. Being neurotypical I expect to stay on subject. But well…

And because it’s their associations that take over the story, it can seem that they make it all about themselves. But it’s just a communication thing. Maybe this perspective can help?

I would love to rationalize this behavior as “my mother is neurodivergent,” but she’s far from it. There are definitely neurodivergents in our family and she ridicules them. She has either done a fantastic job of masking for 80 years, or she truly has a disdain for people who aren’t like her. I appreciate your perspective, though, thank you!