what do YOU think?

[sparkly_stars]

i was wondering, what do you guys think is too young to get engaged?
and then, what do you think is too young to get married?

(i''m asking sort of for personal knowledge, and to kind of prove a point! i''m gonna add a poll to get the numbers, but i would really like to hear ur opinions toO!)

 

[diamondlil]

Although I got engaged at 21 (that was 20 years ago) and married just before turning 22, I think it''s a bit young by today''s standards. I am encouraging my kids to not even consider it until after college, after 22.

My husband was almost 27 when we got married, and he thinks that is too young for a guy.

 

[blueroses]

I think it has to be relative and different with each individual case. I''m 31 and still not engaged. None of my close friends got married until at least 25, and the other big wave was last year at 30.

I voted 22. I don''t know--assuming one goes to college and graduates around 22, there are just a LOT of changes that happen to you fundamentally once you enter the real world and leave the college cocoon. Not to cast any doubt on those younger LIW and their relationships--not at all. But in my case, I was a profoundly different person at 22 than I was at 23 (and clearly different still as I got older....don''t discount that "Return of Saturn" thing--it is REEEALL!!!)....but I would say that any younger than 23 you do run a risk of not necessarily growing together as you grow UP together. OF COURSE there are exceptions and maturity is subjective from couple to couple. God knows it wouldn''t have been right for my bf and me at that age. My one friend who got married that young--23--is divorced now.

Short answer: It totall depends. But I have a "baby" cousin (a guy) who is 20 and has already bought his younger gf a promise ring.....I figure one should at least wait until they''re old enough to drink champagne at their own engagement party, how about that?

 

[cutes814]

Date: 8/30/2005 5:19:44 PM
Author: blueroses
I figure one should at least wait until they''re old enough to drink champagne at their own engagement party, how about that?

I agree!

 

[soulsis]

In my opinion, anyone that gets married before they are 30 is CRAZY!!
CRAZY!!!! These are my reasons why:

1) You have no idea about the person that you will become. No 20 year old does. Some don''t even know what they want at 50....but at least you have a better chance.

2) You have no idea who he is or how much he will change. Dreams, goals...most of that stuff changes drastically between 20 and 30.

One day you wake up and suddenly realize............wow, is this how it''s supposed to be?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Statistically, the closer a couple is to the age of 30 when they get married, the less chance divorce will occur.

Being many do not even graduate college prior to the agee of 22, I would find it that anyone younger than this would have a more difficult time trying to support themselves as a couple. I personally believe that the age of the couple is irrelevant if they do not know themselves.

 

[MissAva]

I really don’t know for this one. In my case those that I know who married younger are the ones who stayed together. But that could have to do with the times, statistics can be funny. So that is something. But I am 22 and I think part of it depends on how long you have known each other. I have been dating my SO for 4.5 years and we are not engaged yet but I know who he is and he knows who I am. We had very different childhoods but both were forced to see things younger then most, and we grew up faster then alot. I think maturity is huge, I have met people in their 30s who acted younger then I did in HS.
Personally I think you ought not get engaged without having dated for a certain amount of time the first 18mths of a relationship give out certain chemicals and hormones that make you feel happy. So I would say longer then that prior to marriage.
I would not say that there is any definite cut off because we cannot know others personal situations.
Though I would argue that the less then 30 rule does not make sense. What is right for one is not right for all. I think the people make the marriage not their age.

 

[Kaleigh]

I got engaged at 23, but a very mature 23. I grew up fast also, and dealt with more things than most people at that age and so did my husband. We have been married for 19 years. Now our daughter who is 17, I would want her to wait until her late 20''s but that''s sooooo far away right now. It worked for us and we knew it was right for us. Every situation is different and so are maturity levels, etc.....

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I got engaged for the first time at 18 1/2. I thought that was perfect, but now that it''s over and I''m on round two, I think it might have been a little early. This time I got engaged at 24. I think the right age for engagement might be about 21 and then married at 22, or after college.

 

[onedrop]

There really is no complete answer to this questions so I''ll answer based on my situation. I am in my early 30''s and I did not even seriously about marriage until two years ago. I had long term boyfriends in my 20s but I just wasn''t ready. It had nothing to do with maturity, I was just more interested in seeing the world and getting my career established. Now at 30+ I am not married...yet, and I am actually glad for it, because I think I am better person now and much more ready to "settle down."

But...I know folks who have married young (early 20''s) and are still together and happy. So the short answer is that it really depends on the situation when the right time is to get engaged and then married.

 

[MissAva]

I think part of it depends on if you want children, the risks increase for birth defects and other issues at 27, then again at 30 and at 35. If you want a large family settleing down earlier would be better.

 

[Momoftwo]

I got engaged at 20, married at 21, had my boys at 23 and 26 and I would do it that way all over again. We''ve been married 24 years and are still going strong. My DH was 24 when we married. My boys are in college, we''re in our 40''s and enjoying the freedom we have now. I would not have appreciated it as much if I''d had it before my boys. The best thing I ever did was have them while I was young enough to play with them (football, biking, rolling on the floor and being able to jump right up, etc) and now will be young enough for grandchildren, if my boys ever get married. They''re busy getting their degrees. I didn''t vote, because I think under 18 is too young, but it varies from person to person. I never felt like I missed out on anything. I''ve had the greatest privelege in the world to be loved by a faithful, good man and have two wonderful boys who are now wonderful men. I know just as many who got divorced after marrying in their 30''s as those that married at 21.

 

[Mara]

It''s all about the individual of course, but for me ~26 was too young to get married. After that I had a better sense of myself...before that I did alot of changing from year to year but after 26 I was more like I am today. But before that, it seemed like every year brought a different ''me'' as I grew up more.

We were dating from 25.5-28; got engaged at 28 and married at 29. Personally nowadays I think that the later the better for marriage, so that people CAN experience life on their own as adults before they tie themselves permanently to their love. I think in the old days it was more the norm to go from parents house to marriage house but now I firmly believe that people should experience things on their own before getting married. Otherwise I think that can lead to alot of ''what ifs'' later in life if people feel like they may be missing out. This generation and mine are different than the parents/grandparents.

 

[Blue824]

This was a hard explanation to write! I went on this whole tangent about stuff and my reasoning....but here it is short & sweet

Bottom line: I don''t think you should be engaged or married unless you can support yourself.

I voted 22 because that is the average age people graduate college and a lot of people, at that point, are "cut off" and forced to support themselves. Personally, 22 is young for me too, I''m more with thinking 25 is a good age. Does that mean I''m going to wait around on the LIW for two more years? I don''t know...but I do want to be settled in a career before I am engaged. I need that for myself, as much as he''d rather it be otherwise.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmm...interesting. I would definitely second that its completely individual to each person and their maturity level, life path etc...

That said I kind of agree with the being out of college thing. However, I think that you can make a conscious decision to put in the work required to grow together during that post-college period. My FI and I did that (we got engaged almost a year after we graduated). We both know that nothing in live is ever 100% certain and that we both have a lot of growing still to do, but having tackled all the post-college real-world stuff together in our first year out of school we feel really confident about facing the world as a team and supporting each other through all the big changes we both know will come in the next 5-10 years.

Again, I think it really varies between different people and relationships but I think no matter what age you are its curcial to realize that a marriage takes a lot of work - you can''t go into it expecting that everything will always be blissful. Once you accept that but still know that this is the person you want to spend your life with, then I think you are in a good place to think about marriage. Of course, its a lot more complicated than that, but I think that having a realistic perspective about marriage and your future together is crucial.

 

[sparkly_stars]

i would completely agree with the "it varies from person to person".
although i feel strongly about the finishing school part as well.
i would probably say getting engaged (when ready, etc) at 21 or 22, but then getting married after at least a year off of college(for me that would be 21, but i still wouldn''t want to get married before i was 23)
i also think the experiences a relationship have gone through can play a big factor(i know a lot of ppl young and old who have had the movie type relationship, and have no serious problems come in their relationship till they decided to move ahead.. and it was a disaster from there.)
but with most of the ladies who replied they were young when they got engaged and married, they all seemed to have the similar "we grew up much faster(for different reasons)"
and i think that makes a big difference.
i personally don''t think you "have" to wait until your 30, (but then each individual is different). i think once you are ready, and that you''ve found someone who "completes you" (sorry for the cliché). then you should be ok,

i also agree that once school is done, things change dramatically(perspective etc).. but again, its a matter of growing together etc..
i don''t think that whether we get engaged at 21 or 22 that we''ll be splitting up, but i think at either of those ages i''d be ok with what''s to come.

anyways thanks for all the answers...!
i will definitely give those numbers to the person i was talking to this about!
!! thanks

 

[icekid]

Obviously this varies by person, but I think at the VERY minimum 22-23. I know how much all of my friends and I changed during college! At that age, I think the vast majority of people haven''t yet figured out what is important to them and what they want in life. I absolutely adored my college bf; we were already planning to get married. But my senior year of college, he still wanted to drink 5 nights/ week and I was preparing to go to medical school. He STILL drinks all of the time, at almost 26. There is no way I could deal with that or have any desire to! We just weren''t right for each other anymore- and this is someone I had known (and had a crush on) since I was 10 or 12! We grew up 3 minutes from each other...

My current bf and I are about to get engaged at 24 and 25, and we''ll get married at 26 and 27 which I am pretty comfortable with. I feel pretty confident and comfortable in my life now and our life together. Of course, my bf''s dad who was divorced after more than 20 years of marriage to bf''s mom thinks we should wait until we are 30

 

[Momoftwo]

Don't kid yourself into thinking you'll stop changing when you're ready to get married. You will constantly change and grow during your whole life. Can you imagine if you didn't? My DH and I are constantly growing and changing, we just choose to always do it together. Staying together through everything is a choice and has little to do with when you get married, but more to do with how you go into it and what you expect out of it. The flip side is I can't imagine having waited til I hit someone else's idea of the perfect age. It's like when someone says they're waiting to have kids til they can afford them. That is funny,you can never be prepared for what it costs, financially and emotionally to raise children. But, like marriage, it's worth it.

 

[icekid]

Err thanks, I know I will continue to change. But I know myself a hell of a lot better at 24 than I did at 18 or 19.

 

[snow_happy]

I think this is a hard question and differs case by case. At 18, I had already had almost two years of college and traveled a ton. By the time my FI and I got engaged at 23, we felt like we''d had our "wild times" and were happy in settling down with each other. My future cousin-in-law, who is 18 now, is a senior in high school, living at home and hasn''t experienced the same amount that I did when I was 18. I think it''s kind of like finding a career. Some people find exactly what they want to do early in life and for others it takes a few tries before landing somewhere they are happy.

It''s like the question on the Brides section about how long people have dated before getting engaged and married. It will differ for everyone. Originally, I thought it was important to go through the three year itch before getting engaged but for some that doesn''t matter or even come up. In fact, my FI''s grandparents, met and were engaged in 6 weeks, married in 6 months...and just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary last summer!

To each their own

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 8/30/2005 4:52:45 PM
Author:sparkly_stars
i was wondering, what do you guys think is too young to get engaged?
and then, what do you think is too young to get married?

(i''m asking sort of for personal knowledge, and to kind of prove a point! i''m gonna add a poll to get the numbers, but i would really like to hear ur opinions toO!)

In all honesty, there isn''t a right answer to this...but with the list of ages you gave to choose from, I chose #1--20 years old. I have known some very immature 30+ year olds who are NO where close to the maturity necessary for a lasting and giving marriage relationship. Myself, I was 1 month shy of my 21st birthday and though I felt I was ready--and have my journal from then and how I thought--I could have waited another couple of years and probably have been better prepared for the compromises asked of you when you marry. Yes, my marriage is good, strong and healthy, but it has taken ALOT of work and 3 times in a therapist office for maintenance and understanding assistance of the normal growing pains associated with marriage and kids. Without the therapy, without the willingness to have someone show me how I contributed to the problems in my marriage, I wouldn''t be married now.

Marriage is not about just the wedding day, unbridled passion, endless days and nights of bliss. It takes REAL work to help it grow, to pay the bills, to deal with financial problems, health problems, uncertainty...but it is SO worth it...and I am so blessed to have a marriage that is rich in forgiveness, love, lust(oh yea!) and laughter.

Irregardless of when you marry, if you aren''t ready to work at it, don''t do it...voice of experience here and 24 1/2 years of living it...

 

[aljdewey]

As everyone has said, there is no one right answer for everyone. My parents married very young, but it was a different world when they did, and more the norm, as Mara mentioned.

Things have changed; most families rely on 2 working partners now, and that means dynamics for both in the workplace and people you meet there as well.

On the poll, I selected 24-26, but the truth is, I don''t think I''d make age the determining factor.

If I were to answer this most accurately for me, I''d say "until you''ve supported yourself post education for 2-3 years, you''re likely too young to marry." That''s just my take on it. Doesn''t mean it''s right for everyone else, just how I see it.

I''m sure it''s not a stretch for most here to imagine that I''ve always been fairly self-confident. Still, I found that most of my profound growing---really knowing how to rely on myself and how to handle life''s unexpected twists---came in the 2-3 years after I graduated college. There''s just a big difference in perspective.

It''s easy to say "I would absolutely do this" or "I would never do that" when it''s a *theorhetical* discussion. But then, when wading through real life, bearing the weight of real responsibilities, many times you find yourself not doing the things you always said you would, or doing things you never thought you would. Once you''ve lived a bit, the world becomes MUCH less "black and white" and a LOT more "grey". These experiences typically bring a new-found tolerance that there is more than one *right* way....an attitude really conducive to successful relationships.

There''s also a lot to be said for knowing you can rely on only yourself to take care of yourself. It breeds a confidence that is healthy to bring to a relationship.

Again, not saying that other solutions aren''t right for others.....just what I perceive to be optimal.

 

[stacyQ]

I think that chronological age is incidental, what matters is that both people have lived enough of their lives to be self confident and and know what they want in life, but at 18 that is just not going to happen (unless in rare circumstances). So I would say late twenties at the earliest as a rule of thumb........ but like I said, exact age is incidental.

 

[MissAva]

Okay I was orignally not going to post this...but I think if you have to ask then you are not ready.

Sometimes things happen and we grow up fast, there are others in their 40s to self absorbed to make that sort of commitment. Both are extremes. I also whole heartledy agree about growing together.

 

[goldengirl]

Ah, this is always such a charged question.

I did not vote in the poll. I cannot assign an age to the proper time to marry. I know people in their mid-thirties who still are not mature enough for a marriage, and I know people barely out of their teens who have a rock-solid marriage. Personally, I didn''t want to marry before 21, because I wanted to be able to drink at my reception.

But for me, I always thought the "perfect" age to get married would be around 22-24.

All you ladies that voted 22 because that''s when you graduate college: What about those that don''t attend college? Can they marry younger, because they aren''t working on a bachelor''s degree? Or should they wait longer, because they didn''t experience college life?

Marriage is a big commitment and I think each person is ready for it at different times. There will always be people who want to "experience the world" first, and people who seem to be "old souls" ... people who want to grow and live and learn before they marry, and people who want to do that with their chosen partner, and are committed to doing it together ...

I think a lot of it also has to do with when you find your future spouse, doesn''t it? I mean, I could be ready to marry at 22, psychologically and emotionally prepared for marriage, but if I don''t have a "someone" that is marry-able, well, I''m still not getting married.

If I am with my FH, and we are committed to our relationship, and we are both prepared for marriage and going into it for all the right reasons... should we say, Oh, wait, we should wait a few more years because we are only twentysomething and our odds of divorce are greater if we marry now than if we wait.

I think any two people can make it together if they have the same values, similar beliefs and a commitment to communicate and compromise, no matter what their respective ages.

I just celebrated my two-year dating anniversary with my honey last night

and as we were drifting off to sleep, he asked me, "So, when are we going to fight?" as we haven''t had any mentionable tiffs in our two years together. After some discussion, we decided it was because a)we were supremely compatible, b)we both worked hard to openly communicate our needs and to discuss and resolve potential issues before they escalated into fights, and c)we have very similar values, that is, there''s not really much we think is worth fighting over. It just makes more sense to work it out.

If that''s not a prescription for successful marriage, I don''t know what is.

We are 22.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Growing up I always thought I would be married by now (25). Maybe even with my first child. It''s funny how things never work out how you plan. I will be 26, FH will be 28 next year when we get married. I feel like for me this is how things were suppose to work out. Even though I started dating him when I was 20, I do agree that anyone getting married under 21 is just asking for trouble. You cannot even drink legally!!! Way too young (and I have always been mature for my age). But there are a lot of people who have and are still together. I PERSONALLY didn''t want to go from my father''s house to my husband''s house. Nothing is a sure thing in life. My FH is my best friend and the love of my life and I hope that''s enough but I am a realist. Age probably has very little to do with life. But I think EXPERIENCES are important and those usually come with age.

 

[platinumrock]

This question is as subjective as "What's a good age to get married?", "What's a good age to have a baby?" and "How do you know if this is the right person?" You can't generalize such a personalized and individualized question. Instead of focusing on age and one specific answer, I think it's more important to consider these factors:

1) Why do you want to get married? Is it because of love (you're in love with him/her or with love), security (papers, loneliness, settling), pressure (to please partner, friends or family) or to escape something in your life (get away from family, real world is too scary)?

2) Are you ready to commit to one person (warts and all) for the rest of your life?

3) Do you accept your partner as he/she is or do you expect marriage to magically change him/her?

4) Do you have any personal goals (education, career, travel, life experiences) that you still need to achieve on your own or have you fulfilled them? If not, are you comfortable fulfilling them with your parner?

5) If divorce was NOT an option, would you still marry this person?


If you can answer these questions honestly and realistically, then you should be able to determine if you are ready for marriage, no matter what your age is. Maturity and emotional intellegence are not guaranteed with age.....they are a product of wise decisions, taking responsibility for the life you lead, and learning from your mistakes. Some people pick that up early on.....others just take longer.

 

[Caribou]

I agree that everyone is different. I think late teens (18 or 19) to early twenties (20-23) is way too young, for me anyway and, IMO, for a lot of ''kids'' in today''s world. However, there are always exceptions.

 

[bookworm21]

I voted for 21, although I think that it depends on the couple and how mature they really are. I know a girl who got married at that age, and after 10 years, she and her husband are still very happily married. I also know another girl who got married when she was 23, and from what I heard, her marriage isn''t going well at all. (She''s spending too much shopping for unnecssary stuff and not really caring about finances.

) Definitely depends on the person and situation.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/22/2005 7:12:01 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 11/22/2005 4:03:51 PM
Author: Caribou
I agree that everyone is different. I think late teens (18 or 19) to early twenties (20-23) is way too young, for me anyway and, IMO, for a lot of ''kids'' in today''s world. However, there are always exceptions.

I have a 20 year old daughter (and proudly, college student)... at her age, I had already had her and been married two years.. I cannot in my wildest imagination see her married... or with children. She doesn''t like children (weird, since I always only wanted ever to be a Mommy) and homemaking? HA! She almost burned her kitchen up in her last condo rental.. she was apparently trying to ''cook''.. something she also cannot do.. I dont know how she didnt get my homemaker skills, lol. She''s not domestic in any way shape or form.. and she only just now has her first real boyfriend. I wonder if she will ever be ready for marriage, she has already said its just not as important to her as a career. She has A LOT of growing up to do... A LOT..

She almost burned her kitchen...

I''m glad she didn''t hurt herself.

I didn''t have my first ''real'' boyfriend until I was 24. I dated but nothing serious until then. When the right guy comes along she''ll suddenly become ''domestic'' in her own way. When I was her age, kids annoyed the h*ll out of me and I swore I would never have any of my own...I didn''t have time for that nonsense of raising a little person.

I didn''t actually change until my late 20''s. I also never cooked...the closet I got to cooking was making rice or mac & cheese. Now at 33, I''m dating a wonderful man who I can''t wait to have kids with, I cook for at least once a week (I''m not great but I''m learning) and once we''re married (and certainly when we have kids) I''ll cook a lot more.

You''re daughter sounds pretty mature for her age just by the comment you said about her wanting a career. I wished I thought that way. She also sounds like she''s a pretty confidant young woman..which is key, I didn''t have that and made some bad choices when it came to men. Good job raising her, mom.

The thing about getting married too young (and this is just my opinion) is that chances are you will change your views as you age and experience new things. My thought process in my 20''s is different than it is now. I''ve changed my views on a lot of thing and become more open minded. That''s where I think it becomes tough for a young marriage, even if you are mature for a 20 year old, you still have a lot of growing to do and most likely haven''t experienced a whole lot. The trick is if you are mature enough to weather the bad times in your marriage. It can be hard for ''old'' adults, I imagine it''s harder for young adults.