What do you think?

[ravengirl]

Hi girls! So, I haven''t posted on here in awhile. My BF and I are still working on getting applications ready--I''m applying to law school for next fall, and he is applying to grad school. Very busy semester!

There won''t be much movement in the engagement department for awhile (I''m a LIWFAW), but thought I''d bring up an interesting topic of discussion.

I''m only 21, and have talked to my mom about how while I know I want to marry my BF (eventually), I don''t feel ready to take that step at the moment. We''ve been dating for over two years, but I''d just much rather at least wait until we have a couple of years in grad/law school behind us. What''s the rush, right? Anyway, she thought this was odd, and said something to the effect of "Well, if you''re not ready now, what makes you think you''ll ever be ready?"

She said it all concerned. I felt that she was trying to ask me if it was a symptom of him not being "the one"---as if as soon as you meet the one, you''ll be ready and wanting to get married.

What do you girls think? I think it makes total sense that you can know that you want to spend your life with someone, but to realize that it isn''t exactly the right time yet, and you''d like to get a little more life experience under your belt. I also wonder if my mom''s perspective is coming from the fact that she met my dad a little later (when she was 27), and so at that point she was, shall we say, chomping at the bit to get married and start a family.

FYI, this isn''t something that is weighing heavily on me or stressing me out at all. It happened a few months ago, and I really haven''t thought much about it. So, this is less about advice for me, and more of a wondering of the general consensus!

 

[bee*]

I think that you can totally know that you are going to spend your life with someone but know that it''s not the right time yet. I was with D for 8 years before we got engaged as for us it was important for us to get college behind us and work for a while in full time jobs. There really is no rush at 21 and I think that it''s great that the two of you want to get a few years of college over with first.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

I think you are very mature in this decision (although I may be biased because I''ve decided to wait awhile as well!) haha. I think that finding the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and being ready for the rest of your life are two different things. Sometimes you can be ready for both at the same time... often times one comes before the other. There is no rush. Do what you need to do on your own... get into the first few years of law school... or into your job. I think it''s very important to be secure in your own individual goals before getting married. It never hurts to have a strong foundation individually for your future together. Good luck to you both, it sounds like you are starting of on the right foot together!

 

[musey]

I think that people generally fall into two categories on this subject: the "why wait?" types and the "why rush?" types. It''s often hard for one type of person to understand the other type of person.

I also think that "THE ONE" really means "*A* one" combined with "THE time." Basically meaning that there are times in your life when you''ll feel ready (different for everyone, some people pass in and out of "ready" times throughout their life). Sometimes you''ll be in one of those "ready" times and all that needs to happen is to wait for a "one," and sometimes you''ll be with a "one" but still waiting on a "ready" time to roll around.

Anyway, those are just my rambling theories on the subject!


That being said, I think what you said about your mom not being able to understand because she met your dad at "the right time" is probably correct. It could be that combined with her being a "why wait" type. Who knows.

But no, there''s absolutely no reason that your not being ready at 21 means that he''s not the right guy. You should take your relationship at your own pace, not your mother''s!

 

[TravelingGal]

First of all, does your mom like this guy? Maybe she''s trying to plant doubt in your head to move on?

Second of all, I disagree with her. There is a difference between not wanting to marry someone, and not wanting to marry someone YET.

And lastly, there is no "THE ONE" imho - at least the kind where it smacks you in the face and is the be all end all. There is only the one you make the decision to be with, work through your doubts and fears with, and share your joys with.

If she''s right, only time will tell, so either way you are doing the right thing by not rushing.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 11/6/2007 6:16:25 PM
Author: TravelingGal
First of all, does your mom like this guy? Maybe she''s trying to plant doubt in your head to move on?


Second of all, I disagree with her. There is a difference between not wanting to marry someone, and not wanting to marry someone YET.


And lastly, there is no ''THE ONE'' imho - at least the kind where it smacks you in the face and is the be all end all. There is only the one you make the decision to be with, work through your doubts and fears with, and share your joys with.


If she''s right, only time will tell, so either way you are doing the right thing by not rushing.

Oh yes, she loves him---it was actually more in the context of "So, when can we expect a wedding? Hurry up!" (And when I said I wasn''t ready, she got all worried). Which is so funny for her...she was not like that with my other boyfriends, let me tell you. She used to always say that I was too good for them and they were lucky to have me...and with current BF, she actually once said "You know, I think in this case, YOU might be lucky to have HIM!"

That''s my mom for you--very very blunt. But, she''s right, I am lucky! Well, of course, I think we''re lucky to have each other.

PS--How do you girls highlight the section of someone else''s post that you''re responding to? I can''t figure it out...

 

[Octavia]

I agree with bee*, it''s possible (and nowadays, likely) to know that you want to marry someone eventually, but to have practical reasons for not tying the knot just yet. I want to eventually marry my BF, but I just started law school and I''d like to be able to enjoy my engagement when it comes...not spend the whole time buried in a book and unable to have fun with him. There can also be economic reasons for not marrying at a specific point in time, especially while in law/med/grad school -- these don''t affect everyone, but in my case, it would be extremely bad financial planning to get married before I finish school. As long as you and your BF are generally happy, and content with your relationship as it stands now, there shouldn''t be any rush to change things until you''re mentally, emotionally, and fiscally ready.

As far as the "as soon as you meet the one, you''ll be ready and wanting to get married" part -- I''m not in agreement with this at all. I wasn''t sure that BF was "the one" for quite a long time. I enjoyed being with him, but it took me awhile to start seeing our relationship as something I wanted to work to maintain forever, rather than just biding time and having fun while it lasts. Now, I''d never want to live without him, but if there''s any such thing as "love at first sight," I think it''s pretty rare and isn''t likely to lead to longer-lasting, happier marriages than a relationship that has grown through time and to which both people have made a reasonable and rational commitment.

(I feel for you, ravengirl, I''ve gotten some of the same pressure because my mom is desperate for grandkids and I''m not about to give them to her for a few more years, at the least...)

 

[MoonWater]

I don''t agree with your mom''s point of view. I knew I wanted to marry my bf within months (I never told him that I don''t think, I wonder if he''ll read this haha). But I wasn''t ready to marry him at that time. I wasn''t ready a year later either lol. I''m actually very much ready now (4.5 years later), however, I don''t want to get married until Fall 2009 when we''re both done with school. I think it makes perfect sense for you to wait for the timing to be right in your lives. The person will be by your side regardless of the ring/ceremony/paper.

Good luck with law school btw. I considered it for a brief moment (seriously, over one weekend), I decided that is something I would have to pursue after I had kids.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 11/6/2007 6:16:17 PM
Author: musey

I also think that ''THE ONE'' really means ''*A* one'' combined with ''THE time.'' Basically meaning that there are times in your life when you''ll feel ready (different for everyone, some people pass in and out of ''ready'' times throughout their life). Sometimes you''ll be in one of those ''ready'' times and all that needs to happen is to wait for a ''one,'' and sometimes you''ll be with a ''one'' but still waiting on a ''ready'' time to roll around.

Musey, I totally agree with this. And I think that my boyfriend is currently A One, but it''s not The Time. Assuming we''re able to continue growing together, I think (and hope) we''ll get to that time eventually.

 

[ravengirl]

Date: 11/6/2007 6:25:26 PM
Author: Octavia

(I feel for you, ravengirl, I''ve gotten some of the same pressure because my mom is desperate for grandkids and I''m not about to give them to her for a few more years, at the least...)

Oh yeah...and remember how I mentioned she met my dad a little later in life? Anyway, she''s turning 60 next week, so she''s a little older than most of my friends'' parents...which makes the pressure for grandkids all the more intense! Sorry, Mom, maybe marriage in a couple of years, but kids aren''t coming for awhile!

 

[musey]

Date: 11/6/2007 6:31:21 PM
Author: ravengirl

Date: 11/6/2007 6:25:26 PM

Author: Octavia

(I feel for you, ravengirl, I've gotten some of the same pressure because my mom is desperate for grandkids and I'm not about to give them to her for a few more years, at the least...)

Oh yeah...and remember how I mentioned she met my dad a little later in life? Anyway, she's turning 60 next week, so she's a little older than most of my friends' parents...which makes the pressure for grandkids all the more intense! Sorry, Mom, maybe marriage in a couple of years, but kids aren't coming for awhile!

Haha! Well, I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I don't think that pressure's necessarily tied to their age

My parents are now 53 and 54, and have been pressuring me for grandkids since 16. They would have been horrified if I'd actually gotten pregnant at that age, but that didn't stop them from talking about it incessantly!

 

[Miscka]

Interesting question, I will be interested in the answers you get.

IMO, you sound mature to know that he is the right one, but that the timing isn''t right.

 

[Miscka]

Date: 11/6/2007 7:14:54 PM
Author: Miscka
Interesting question, I will be interested in the answers you get.


IMO, you sound mature to know that he is the right one, but that the timing isn''t right.

OK so my above post made no sense, bc when I went to post it I could not see the other replies....arghhhh.

Anyway....now that I read the others, I agree that there is no "THE one". And I very much agree/share your philosophy that if A one grows with you well, then you will get there. I also think that Musey is right about the two types....ok so I have no good additions to these wise ladies opinions. Oh well...sorry to ramble