What I think daily!

[jitterymo]

I keep reading all these posts and can''t help but think you guys are so lucky, and I''m truely happy for each and everyone of you! A wedding is one of the happiest days in a couples lives.

My BF and I have talked about marriage...but only in a joking manner...I don''t know how to bring up and be serious, for fear I might scare him away!

How am I supose to know that BF is ready for marriage (without throwing it in his face that we aren''t)? I think he is, we have been together for 4 years 5 months, and he moved in with me 4 months ago...How long do couples usually live together before a proposal comes?

Well anyways I just wanted to vent! I really can wait, for when the time is right the time is right!

 

[Octavia]

Jitterymo, it can be tough. I had no idea that my FI was ready to propose until he actually did it. We had talked about the future, but we'd never actually talked about engagement or marriage in so many words. At the time, we'd only been together for half the time of you and your BF, and I was gearing myself up for "The Talk" but hadn't quite gotten there yet. Unbeknownst to me, he was also gearing himself up, but being a guy, was thinking more about action than words. I do wish we'd talked about things more clearly before we got engaged, even though I'm obviously ecstatic that we're engaged. There's just something appealing about hashing out all the big issues before it comes down to the wire and you have to do it. Luckily, we're in agreement on most things, and for the things we don't necessarily agree on, our viewpoints aren't so far apart that we can't come to an amicable compromise.

At 4+ years, though, I wouldn't be so worried about "scaring him away." Honestly, I had the same fear but had pretty much decided that when we got to 2.5 years, it would be Talking Time. Not "propose to me now or else" time, but "are we in agreement about where this relationship headed" time. It's not unfair to talk about the future seriously, and even if it might be a little bit scary for both of you to discuss it, it's scarier to face the unknown every day. As far as how long couples live together...well, there's no real answer. For some, it's a couple months, for some a couple years, for some a couple decades...and every possible answer in between. This is why you'll need to talk to him, because only he knows what he's really thinking.

ETA: if he's joked with you about marriage, then he's been thinking about it. The guys I know don't usually bring the subject up -- in fact, they avoid it like the plague -- unless they've at least thought "she could be the one" (with the possible exception of sadistic and mean guys, which hopefully your BF is not!).

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Hi there Jitterymo! Welcome to Pricescope!

I think it''s time for you two to have a talk. I understand the casual talk of marrage... I think everyone starts off that way, but now that you live together and you are wondering what the status of your relationship is, it is time to ask him! There is nothing wrong with wanting to know his thoughts on the subject. You love him, he loves you, people get married when they are in love, so you should be able to sit down and talk about the natural progression that a couple normally makes.

I think that if you talk to him in a calm and understanding way, there is going to be no way that he would get scared off. You are not asking him to marry you tomorrow, you are asking if he can see you getting married someday.

I don''t think there is a specific time for people to get engaged after they move in together. How old are you two, if you don''t mind me asking? If you are young he may not have brought it up because he has other goals that he wants to attain first. Really the only way for you know know is to talk about it. There is no way to find out if he is ready unless you ask him. Just sit down, bring up the subject, and above all else, listen!

Good luck!!! Keep us posted!

 

[Dreamgirl]

jitterymo- This is a great place to vent! My bf and I are going on 10 years and I just recently had "the talk" with him a few weeks ago after the girls around here had a good talk with me and I couldn't be more thankful to the wonderful people on this forum!

My talk with bf went really well. I just found a good time to talk to him about it, we went out to eat and I just said something like "We never seriously talk about our future" and asked him when he thinks a good time to get engaged/married would be. He actually didn't freak out at all and was really interested in discussing our future (and he was happy not hearing me talk about my hopeful engagement ring, which I always obsessively did before) It actually brought us closer together and he randomly talks more "seriously" about our future than he did before. And it brought piece of mind to me now knowing better when things will happen (ie engagement.)

I would suggest to you: do the same thing I did. Then you will both know where you stand.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m thinkin'' that you''re already living together, a talk about marriage is LONG overdue!! Usually a timeline is in place before the living together part. I just wanted to chime in and encourage you to talk to him--not in any critical or confrontational kind of way. It''s the kind of conversation you want to have when you''re both relaxed over dinner with a nice glass of wine. But not TOO many, haha.

My take is that any man who is ready commitment will be willing to talk about it seriously. If he can''t do that, well that''s no good... but at least you''ll know you have a man with cold feet on your hands.

 

[Bia]

Well I guess, the first question you should ask yourself is: Are YOU ready for the prospect of an engagement? Do you feel that you both are ready to take the necessary steps towards marriage? Forget about friends getting engaged and the idea of a sparkly engagement ring...ask yourself this question very seriously and answer it honestly. If you’re not sure, then NOW might not be the right time for either of you.

You mentioned that you just moved in together a few months ago. Personally, I found that moving in with my BF helped me get to know him more than I could have ever dreamed prior to that. In the beginning it wasn't easy because after the honeymoon stage, I saw the real man, the one who is obsessed w/ chess (internet, one-on-one, books about chess, you name it) and who's smelly socks somehow get left everywhere (and that's just the beginning!). Meaning, pretences go out the window, which is good but at the same time, gone were the days when I would always see the impeccable, clean shaven guy that would take me out to expensive dinners and shower me with flowers and cutesy phone calls—now its once in awhile. And that stuff is CAKE!!!

In all seriousness, moving in was a great way for us to get past the small stuff that might makes the initial stage after our wedding more difficult. So its a great idea, in my opinion...in this day and age anyway. Sounds like your boy is ready for a commitment b/c you are living together, so in a sense you two have already taken the next step in the relationship. This will help you see if you're truly compatible (I know many women disagree with me about the moving in before marriage bit

but in my experience, it seems to have helped) and can actually live together. The next step after this, of course, is the engagement…but it takes time.

I think talking to him about what his future plans are in life, and with you, is completely okay. Only you can know for sure if he's sending vibes that its okay to discuss this kind of stuff with him. And if its not, and he gives clear "back off" signals, then you know you should back off for awhile until he's comfortably approaching the topic on his own. If too much more time goes by and he’s not talking at all, grab him by the collar and give it to him real…b/c you can’t wait forever…


Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck!!!

 

[lliang_chi]

Jittery,

You should definitely bring it up. Much like everyone else says, just because you talk about doesn''t mean you''re giving him an ultimatum. You just want both of you to be on the same page. And forget about any eloquent way to bring it up, you just have to blurt it out basically. Maybe do it somewhere/sometime that you''re both comfortable. It seems like you''re both in a good spot in your relationship and can talk about it pretty freely.

Good luck! And let us know how it all worked out.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/16/2008 3:56:15 PM
Author:jitterymo
I keep reading all these posts and can''t help but think you guys are so lucky, and I''m truely happy for each and everyone of you! A wedding is one of the happiest days in a couples lives.

My BF and I have talked about marriage...but only in a joking manner...I don''t know how to bring up and be serious, for fear I might scare him away!

How am I supose to know that BF is ready for marriage (without throwing it in his face that we aren''t)? I think he is, we have been together for 4 years 5 months, and he moved in with me 4 months ago...How long do couples usually live together before a proposal comes?

Well anyways I just wanted to vent! I really can wait, for when the time is right the time is right!

To answer your question there is no ''set'' time.

FI and I lived together for nearly 2.5 years before he proposed and we are in our mid-30''s.


To answer the rest of your post - go to Amazon and buy ''Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others'' - read it and then have a serious talk!

Good luck!

 

[jitterymo]

Thank you all for the wonderful advise. May I''ll sit down and talk to him tonight over dinner.

Octavia- Me and my BF agree on most everything, so much so that we hardly fight! We are like to peas in a pod, and we are each others best friends.

Kayakqueen83- we are 24 (me) and 27 (him), and I know I''m still a little young, but I have known him since I was 12 or 13 (I knew he was the one way back when, it just took him a little longer to figure it out!)

Dreamgirl- I just want to say good luck, and thanks for the great support!

NewEnglandLady- I love to be organized, so a timeline is a great idea!!!

Bia- yes I''m ready to be engaged and be married! and I''m ready to start my furture with him, he is a wonderful guy.

lliang_chi- I''m no stranger to being blunt! So this could work, I''m getting really excited for our talk...
Most of all I have been a little hesitant because I love suprises...and would never want to ruin or take away his thunder. But since we do live together now, I think it''s time to have a little chat!!!

Thanks!

 

[Blair138]

wow-you could be me! Dating my bf for 4 years and I''m 24 and he''s 27. Although, we don''t live together because I am pretty sure if I did live with him, it would take him 4 more years to propose. My advice is just bring it up. If he wasn''t in it for the long haul, he obviously wouldn''t have moved in with you. I''m sure it''s crossed his mind, he may be feeling the way you are! Bring it up casually and see what his reaction is, I''ll bet he doesn''t freak out

 

[Octavia]

Date: 4/16/2008 6:45:43 PM
Author: jitterymo

Most of all I have been a little hesitant because I love suprises...and would never want to ruin or take away his thunder. But since we do live together now, I think it''s time to have a little chat!!!


Thanks!

Surprises are nice, but you can definitely talk to him about the future and still be surprised when the actual proposal comes. There''s something immensely comforting about knowing your best friend wants to spend the rest of his life with you...and I think this is true whether or not there''s a ring on your finger. And if you read through some of the other threads here, there are plenty of women who know the engagement is imminent and they''re incredibly excited, not at all disappointed that it''s not a complete surprise (Delster comes to mind, but there are lots of others). You don''t have to discuss every single detail when you talk, but something along the lines of "I definitely want to be married by X age, so we''ll probably get engaged around Y time" might be helpful for you. Best of luck!!

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d want you to have a talk, to make sure you''re on the same page. Has he ever mentioned his intentions to you before? Seems that since he has moved in with you, that''s taking it to the next step in your relationship. But best to find out now, without confronting him, just ask simply where do you see our relationship going... Do you see us getting married down the road? Or ask however is most comfortable to you. No harm in asking that, and if he isn''t on the same page, at least you know now....

I bet you''ll get a positive response, and nothing will be ruined. You''ll get the peace of mind that you need... Good luck!!

 

[ringless]

There isn't a set time of when a couple is ready to get married. I have found though, that MOST couples who get engaged... at least one of them is already in their career so it makes the decision to take things a step further and more serious sooner...
4+ years is a long time, try almost 7 for me! lol Some guys just require more time than others to "feel" ready.
I would have a serious, sit down conversation about it and make sure it's what he wants... to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. Some guys dont want to marry EVER... so it's good to get his feelings on the subject for sure.
Let him know how much you love him and care for him and that you couldn't imagine spending a day without him. Let him know what you anticipate and what you expect from your relationship. He may need that extra push, you never know. In the mean time, read this book! http://www.hiscoldfeet.com/

Hang in there!

 

[Delster]

Date: 4/17/2008 12:05:39 AM
Author: Octavia

Date: 4/16/2008 6:45:43 PM
Author: jitterymo


Most of all I have been a little hesitant because I love suprises...and would never want to ruin or take away his thunder. But since we do live together now, I think it''s time to have a little chat!!!


Thanks!

Surprises are nice, but you can definitely talk to him about the future and still be surprised when the actual proposal comes. There''s something immensely comforting about knowing your best friend wants to spend the rest of his life with you...and I think this is true whether or not there''s a ring on your finger. And if you read through some of the other threads here, there are plenty of women who know the engagement is imminent and they''re incredibly excited, not at all disappointed that it''s not a complete surprise (Delster comes to mind, but there are lots of others). You don''t have to discuss every single detail when you talk, but something along the lines of ''I definitely want to be married by X age, so we''ll probably get engaged around Y time'' might be helpful for you. Best of luck!!

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I second this!

Have a friendly chat with him. Make it a fun talk, not a pressured one. Good luck!

 

[ahappygirl]

I was thinking about your post first thing this morning. Did you end up having the talk?

I didn''t give any advice yesterday because everyone else was basically writing what I would say. Plus, I got engaged to DH after dating 2 1/2 months. I worked with him for a month before that. I was 28 and he was 25. We''ll be married 10 yrs next week so all I can say is it''s different for everyone. The important thing is knowing it''s the right guy.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/16/2008 6:45:43 PM
Author: jitterymo

Dreamgirl- I just want to say good luck, and thanks for the great support!

NewEnglandLady- I love to be organized, so a timeline is a great idea!!!

You are welcome! Me, you and many other LIW are in this together! The support is great. And listen to NewEnglandLady, she helped me out and I've got that "timeline" now myself!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Haha, I''m going to come off as the crazy timeline enforcer--obviously being on the same page about marriage and feeling like you both have a similar timeframe in mind is very helpful so the woman doesn''t end up getting frustrated and starting to feel resentful. I honestly feel that women can get a feel for how "ready" their boyfriends are when talking with them about marriage. In general, men don''t respond well to "timelines" (when put in those terms), but you can start to get a sense for it by asking them when they see themselves getting married.

 

[jitterymo]

Finally...BF and I talked about my timeline yesterday...he agreed that it wasn''t a bad timeline...so now he knows and he is okay with it...now the wait is on!

 

[Dreamgirl]

So long as he agrees, then YAY!!!

 

[lovelee]

Date: 4/18/2008 12:05:35 PM
Author: jitterymo
Finally...BF and I talked about my timeline yesterday...he agreed that it wasn''t a bad timeline...so now he knows and he is okay with it...now the wait is on!

Yay!

You thought it was bad before? The wait is only going to be more miserable as you get closer and closer....