What is this "hard work" that people speak of?

[luckystar112]

I have a feeling that I am being extremely naive about wedding planning.
So far I feel as if things have been easy breezy, albeit a few arguments with my mother and a deadbeat bridesmaid who is no longer in the wedding (mutual).

But if bridesmaids/friends/family are supposed to help with the wedding...what exactly are they supposed to help with? Granted I''m pretty early in planning, but I can''t think of a single thing that I need help with right now. I picked out my own dress, they picked out their own dresses, venue is done, invitations are done, stds will be done soon. Am I missing something here?
I can see helping decorate or whatever on the big day, but before that not so much.

So I guess my question is, what did you guys need help planning before the big day?

This question stems from multiple threads in the past, but mostly the recent one that was posted about bridesmaids that are no help. Oh, and a poll I read where a ridiculous amount of brides said that they wished they could take some time off to focus 100% on wedding planning, since it is so hard. Can anyone specify what is so hard?

Wow, I really hope that no one thinks I am mocking them or anything...I''m not. I''m just trying to prepare myself. I''m feeling like it''s supposed to be a lot harder by what I''ve been reading. So, that leaves me thinking that I''m not doing it right and I''m going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off as the date gets closer.

 

[Haven]

I agree, Lucky! I''m interested in some feedback, too. Granted, FI and I haven''t done much yet either, but it just hasn''t been much work, rather just a string of decisions and discussions and signing on the dotted line.

(I LOVE your avatar, by the way! SOOOOO cute!)

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/2/2007 10:52:55 PM
Author: Haven
I agree, Lucky! I''m interested in some feedback, too. Granted, FI and I haven''t done much yet either, but it just hasn''t been much work, rather just a string of decisions and discussions and signing on the dotted line.

(I LOVE your avatar, by the way! SOOOOO cute!)

I want to know too! Scare me everyone!

 

[basil]

Well, I don't think it's that hard. It's kind of an escape for me, actually. I like to have something to be planning for and looking forward to, and it's like 1000 times less stressful than work!

I can see why some people would not like the endless decisions. And I can see why it could breed conflicts between family members or between the bride and groom.

I guess as I get closer and there is more to be done in a shorter time frame, maybe I'd feel more pressured.

ETA: I haven't asked my bridesmaids for anything either. Maybe I'm too much of a control freak, but I also hate imposing on people.

 

[bee*]

I''d love to know too! It''s my break from studying so I''d really love to be able to do a bit more of it and I can''t wait until my christmas holidays to do some more. I''m a big planner with everything anyway so I love trying to chase a bargain.

 

[robbie3982]

For me it wasn't that it was hard, just that there was a lot to do.

Depending on how big your wedding is and how complicated your projects are, favors, invitations (stuffing and addressing), place cards, the seating chart and programs can take a whole lot of time. Making sure all the RSVPs are in is also stressful, though not necesarily all that time consuming if the majority of your guests actually RSVP like ours did. The worst part was that we couldn't do the seating chart, place cards favors, or programs until we knew how many people were coming. At that point it was crunch time.

When you get down to the end it just seems like there are a million little loose ends you have to tie up and it's definitely stressful.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I think it depends a lot on how easily you are finding what you need.
For me the venue was easy but the dress has been dificult and I am spending a lot of time trying to contact various places, get it sorted out, find the dress, etc. I could use one day off work to call all these people since I work when they are open and they don''t answer the phone when I have time to call. Also, I know caterers are going to take a while to find.
For some people they want to save money by either stressing about what they cannot afford or by trying to do it all themselves which takes time.

 

[KimberlyH]

Wedding planning wasn't hard work. We decided what really mattered, focused on those things, and the rest just fell into place. I had a rule "If it won't matter in a year (or 5, or 10) it doesn't matter now", it dictated planning and made it a fun experience instead of a stressful/difficult one.

I didn't need help with anything. DH accompanied me to all appts. and hung out in the background saying very little, which is his style; it was nice to have the company and I didn't expect that he'd care what color corsages the mom's were getting. I had my mom pick out invitations because she really enjoyed looking through them. Oh, and she sent out an STD because she thought it was really important, something I would have skipped. My dad decided we needed to decorate the fireplace at the ceremony site, so I told him to go for it. These were things I probably would have done differently (no STD, just not a priority to me; no fireplace decorations, I liked the fireplace just fine, with the candelabra I'd placed inside, all by itself, but it looked nice with the flowers my dad chose too.) but they mattered to my parents so why not let them do what made them happy if it didn't really matter to me?

Sorry I have nothing to scare you with, I really enjoyed planning our wedding.

 

[zoebartlett]

So far, most things have gone smoothly, so it hasn''t been that hard. I will admit to having a few panic attacks along the way (a few just recently in fact), where I was questioning a few things. That''s my nature though -- I tend to get stressed pretty easily. If I keep that in mind and ask others (my FI and my mom, specifically) for help, it''s all good.

So far, the things that have been stressful have been:

1. Being told by my FI''s parents that they weren''t coming to the RD. They weren''t being rude about it but they didn''t know it was expected (at least by us). They didn''t know what a RD was for and therefore, they didn''t think they needed to be there. Technically, they don''t, but still... Finally, my FI called them and said that we loved them and we really wanted them there and they agreed happily. I thought that was understood, but I guess we should have been more clear from the beginning. So now they''re coming and I''m happy.

2. Not being able to plan certain things because it''s too early but also feeling like things can''t get done until something is decided. I don''t know if that makes any sense the way I wrote it. For example, needing to book a place to hold the RD but not knowing how many guests to invite. We don''t know how many guests to invite because we haven''t done the invitations yet. We haven''t done the invitations yet because it''s too early. But we need to book a place for the RD. Are you following?

3. Having our officiant cancel on us last week. She did give us the name of someone else, so we need to get in touch with her. I''ll do that today.

4. Wanting everything to be perfect for our guests. We''ve never hosted a party like this before, and we want to make sure it''s a special day for everyone.

I always thought that if planning a wedding was going to be stressful, I didn''t want to have one. I wish I had been more firm about a few things.

So is planning HARD? Not really. I felt exactly like you did at first. Is it stressful? Yes. I''m lucky in that I haven''t had a lot of drama to deal with, but it''s still stressful. Keep in mind that I get panicky over small things though, so maybe I''m not the best one to listen to.

Does planning have to be stressful? No.

 

[sumbride]

Hard? Not especially. But the details do get time consuming when you get closer to crunch time. What took the most time for me? Lists... I had to do day of schedules and timetables that drove me BATTY. Contact lists for out of town guests and the wedding party. Playlist and DO NOT PLAY list for the DJ. Lists for the florist. Lists for the venue. Lists for the caterer. I don''t like making lists!!!

I also wrote our ceremony which took a good chunk of a weekend plus some back and forth with our officiant. Had to keep track of hotel blocks... towards the end I stopped caring because people KEPT CHANGING their reservations! They''d find out that so-and-so was staying at a different hotel so they wanted to stay there too, but then wait, somebody else is at the other place! It was madness... especially when we tried to deliver the out of town bags.

Attendant gifts took up way more time than they should of because we didn''t do "everybody gets the same thing" so I''m kind of burned out on Christmas shopping because I did that in September for the wedding!

There was also a lot of emotional stuff, mostly because people don''t stop pestering the bride... it gets worse leading up the wedding. FMIL isn''t happy? It''s somehow MY problem?? yeah, that stuff wears on you. Not so much that I wanted to quit my job but I literally couldn''t think about anything besides the wedding for at least 6 weeks beforehand.

We took dance lessons... 1 lesson a week for 5 weeks. We had dental appointments... got to get your teeth shiny! We had a house overflowing with styrofoam from the gifts arriving beforehand. We had to shop and pack for the honeymoon before we even went to the town where we were getting married. It was just, well, complicated.

So know that you can mostly coast until about 2 months to 6 weeks before, and then get ready for the whirlwind! Enjoy the calm!

 

[janinegirly]

wedding planning can be busy because it's the equivalent of planning and managing a large event, and most of are doing it while having full time jobs. That combined with juggling different personalities (family members so it's hard to ignore) is a lot..and it's ok to admit it!

wedding planning also has different phases--the first round is making some big decisions (finding the dress, band, venue, church, vendors), but it's also fun and once it's done, it's checked off! After that things just cruise along with just a few choices here and there. But the last 1- 2 months are busiest, and the most overwhelming because then there are tons of little details that have to be dealt with, and they tend to pile up all at once: choosing flowers, formating the program, choosing fonts, ceremony songs, band songs, putting together placecards, choosing readings, choosing portrait shots for the photog, makeup/hair trials, helping guests with accomodations, drafting day of schedules, out of town packets, squeeze in dance lessons..etc etc. And the bride is also the point person for everything (like i said, it's like being the manager of a large event)--meaning one person might have an issue as a priority and come to you while another has another issue, and ask you, etc. etc. So that's when it does get really busy and at times overwhelming!! And all the while you're also trying to remember it's "supposed" to be a romantic time, and to squeeze in some special moments with FI.

but in the end, it is all very much worth it and sometimes the details are the difference b/ween a ho-hum wedding and a special one! Of course my wedding was a traditional one, so others' might have different experiences. and having a wedding planner is probably really helpful too!!

 

[sumbride]

Also, there wasn''t really a lot to ask the bridesmaids to do. Some of them did help me stuff invitations and if I''d done the addressing I would have asked for help with that, but I was lucky to have a team of "wedding fairies", ladies who work for my mom who were happy to take a break from their regular jobs and address my invitations, tie the ribbons on my programs, etc... They DID get paid for it, so I guess it wasn''t so bad. And it kept the bridesmaids happy too I suppose.

I also spent probably a WEEK working on my program layout and content. That wore me out too. And I really doubt anybody noticed how much work went into it. They were mostly used to shield eyes from the sun during the very sunny ceremony. Alas.

 

[ang3199]

I have actually enjoyed planning our wedding so far. It has pretty much been myself and my mom doing all of the grunt work. FI is extremely easy going and is happy with whatever I choose (He did pick his tuxes though!).

As far as bridesmaids go, I was in a wedding in June and got very upset when I was expected to do so much. The bride, a good friend of mine, knew I was pretty much broke being in graduate school but she still picked the most expensive BM dress, and never told us that we (3 BM''s) had to PAY for her ENTIRE bridal shower. Yeah, I was beyond ticked. So I would never do that to my BM''s. Even my MOH asked me the other day if she should be doing more. And I said no. All I expect them to do is stand for me at my wedding. I let my MOH pick out the dress in the color I wanted. I''m letting them do what they want with hair, nails, shoes, bags, etc. I''m just happy that they are willing to spend the money on the BM dresses and be there with me on my day. So no, I don''t expect my BM''s or family members to help with the wedding details. IMHO, that is my job and my mom and I are loving doing it so far. That way, it is done the way we want!

Aside from the fact that I have wedding nightmares about twice a week. Usually after a day of planning, etc and I dream that something goes wrong. Haha. Last night I had a dream that it was my wedding day and my stylist was 3 hours late and my hair was in a side ponytail and she thought this was appropriate!!! Yikes. I had another dream that my dress came in and was too short up to my ankles. Usual nightmare crap.... haha.

I''m actually trying to enjoy planning this wedding because I know it will be over in one day and that makes me sad. So I''m trying to enjoy the whole process and have the special day be the ultimate pay off!

 

[zoebartlett]

I forgot about something. If you need help from someone, just ask. I personally haven''t gotten to that point yet, but I know that in the few weeks right before the wedding, I''ll probably need more help with the little things.

 

[Jas12]

I did mostly everything myself and my wedding included A LOT of details (2 ceremonies--one out of town), lots of special touches etc. and I was very picky. I didn''t find it all hard, just time consuming near the end. In the months leading up to the wedding it''s mostly just decision making and booking arrangements-- this is fairly easy and does not require help unless you want input from others (in that case you may endure stress due to varying opinions!)
The week-of is when things become nutty. Off the top of my head, for me it was....
--shopping for food for the rehearsal BBQ,
--packing many vehicles,
--calling all vendors to confirm details,
--getting clothing sorted (men''s suits tried on and changed if need be--BM dresses ready--my dress ready)
--Final dress fittings
--labeling favors/wine/
--Finalizing seating arrangements based on guest changes/cancellations
--communicating with wedding coordinator
--mani''s/pedi''s/tanning
--practing our first dance (it was choreographed)
--assembling gift baskets for each guest
--organizing bridal party coming from out of town etc.
--packing for the honeymoon/resort ceremony
--banking/paying bills
--Writing a ''flowchart'' for the day''s logistics (who goes where when, what time things happen on day of etc. etc. )
--instructions/details for MC, minister, wedding planner
--just overall running around getting little things done that I couldn''t do ahead of time or didn''t foresee needing to be done.

I used my groomsmen and BM a great deal the day before the wedding and the day of the wedding--but not much other than that. I was not at all stressed or overwhelmed until about 3 days before the event...

 

[Fancy605]

I wouldn''t say it was especially hard overall either. In fact, I really LOVED wedding planning. I think it was lots of fun. I feel sorry for people who really don''t have any fun with wedding planning. When I got engaged, I was also working full time as a 2nd year teacher, tutoring after school 3 days a week and some mornings, coaching our school''s academic team 2 days a week, and completing mt final semester of my masters (including orals and a huge portfolio.) Not to mention, my then fiance and I decided it would be a good time to build a house (yikes). So to me, wedding planning was leisure time. It was so nice to be able to sit down and focus on something that had nothing to do with education or moving. Now, some of the decisions were hard, but for the most part I would NEVER consider it straining. I actually announced at the beginning that if planning ever stopped being fun, we would elope.

Hard stuff included: creating a seating chart (it was tricky because our venue was only supposed to hold 200, and we had 220 RSVP "yes" so we had to reorganize several times. plus getting everyone to RSVP was a bit of a pain as well (around here people aren''t used to seated dinners where RSVPing is a MUST). It worked out though. Being 100% in charge of our play list (my husband and I changed things music wise several times) was a little tricky, but SOOO worth it. Invitations were a bit trying because the company messed up our order 3 times, and we were unable to get them out as early as I would have liked, but it didn''t end up mattering.

All in all though I loved the whole experience. I can''t imagine not loving it. Of course it also helped that I was surrounded by awesome people the whole time. I think that''s the key: being surrounded by awesome people.

 

[dani13]

We really didnt have any drama surrounding our wedding either. DH and I pretty much knew what we wanted, and if anything it just felt like endless decision making, phone calls, emails, and details to work out, which at the very end got very annoying and stressful!! We were very lucky- our families and bridal party were pretty good, everyone got along, etc.

 

[Rhea]

It was too bad for me either - just stressful as you get to 3 months before the wedding and all the bigger things are booked and ordered but all the smaller things still need doing: seating chart, no one is responding to RSVPs, food needs finalized and you discover half of the people on your guest list won''t like any of your choices...and expenses start adding up so you start cutting things because it''s not too late to cut things but it definitely needs to be done NOW.

In short

 

[Sabine]

I''ve asked my bridesmaids to go dress shopping with me (which was really fun for me having them there, but I think a *tad* boring for them), those in town all went to try on bm dresses together to pick one out, and I will be asking them to buy the dress they picked and host the bridal shower.

I''ve asked my moh to help pass the word on some things, and will be asking for her help designing programs and that kinda stuff because, well, she''s Robbie and she''s amazing and I am not so good at that stuff.

Other than that, I''ve been asking my parents and FI''s parents for lots of help with things like guest lists, figuring out how many hotel rooms we need to block, and they will probably majorly be helping with the seating chart, but this is mainly because we are inviting family that I don''t know all that well (unfortunately).

Finally, my mom has graciously offered to help address the invitations. This is the part that I''ve dreaded most because I have such crappy handwriting, and it just isn''t in our budget to go to a caligrapher.

On a day to day basis, though, it''s not much. My bridesmaids have asked what else they can do, but I don''t really have much to ask them for!

 

[Laurenj915]

I feel like a dork. I have been engaged for 10 days and I totally stressed and overwhelmed. Maybe partly because we are getting married in 6 months (June when everything seems to be booked) but also I am easily stressed. Oh and I am moving in with him in 11 days. I shoudl be packing and not complaining online

The reception venue has one weekend avalible and the church will not call us back and tell us if they also have that date avalible. GRR! This weekend I found out that the church we are going to will only do ceremonies before 2pm (we wanted to do about 6:30pm) on Saturdays so there is going to be a 6 hour gap between our ceremony and reception. grrr! I don''t have money to hire people to help me so that means getting out of my dress and setting up the tables, chairs, decor, and crap and then getting redressed, hair redone, makeup redone. ack!


This is so not fun to me. I was crying in the parking lot of church this weekend. I wish I could relax

 

[Mandarine]

It has been so much fun for me!!!

Just the last 3 weeks have been crazy but that was mostly due to my job. Now I finally have some time and can catch up with some of the things I needed to finalize.

I have truly enjoyed the whole process, specially the DIY projects!.

It is definitely not for everyone though....my best friend got engaged a few months after me and she hasn''t even started planning because she just feels completely overwhelmed and doesn''t really know if she wants the whole wedding thing (she wants the MARRIAGE, but not necessarily planning a wedding). So it all depends.

M~

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 12/3/2007 5:08:13 PM
Author: Lauren1116
I feel like a dork. I have been engaged for 10 days and I totally stressed and overwhelmed. Maybe partly because we are getting married in 6 months (June when everything seems to be booked) but also I am easily stressed. Oh and I am moving in with him in 11 days. I shoudl be packing and not complaining online


The reception venue has one weekend avalible and the church will not call us back and tell us if they also have that date avalible. GRR! This weekend I found out that the church we are going to will only do ceremonies before 2pm (we wanted to do about 6:30pm) on Saturdays so there is going to be a 6 hour gap between our ceremony and reception. grrr! I don''t have money to hire people to help me so that means getting out of my dress and setting up the tables, chairs, decor, and crap and then getting redressed, hair redone, makeup redone. ack!



This is so not fun to me. I was crying in the parking lot of church this weekend. I wish I could relax

Oh, don''t be too stressed. Is it SUPER important that you use that specific church? It sounds like having that church just wasn''t meant to be for you since it doesn''t fit the rest of what you want at all. Maybe looking further for another church is the answer. Finding a different church would be WAY easier than dealing with that 6 hour time gap. Unless that church has like SUPER sentimental value for you and your fiance, I would move on.

 

[Laurenj915]

I think I am stuck. My fiance wants that church because it''s the church his father took him to as a child and his father died when he was a teenager.

I am just going to hope they have a date for us when they decide to call back and well, moving chairs, tables and decorating in between the ceremony and reception will give me a healthy glow.

 

[Munchkin]

Well, let''s see. I had weeks of thinking everything was easy, and weeks of wanting to rip my hair out. As for BMs helping, all they did was help my sis (MOH) with shower/bachelorette and then show up the day of. That''s all I hoped for them to do.

Reasons I wanted to rip my hair out:
To start, we were trying to find a venue that could fit up to 300 people and would be as convenient as possible for my family from MA and his from NY. We toured venues in CT, MA, RI, and NY. Each time we thought we had a place, we were thrown a curveball. A perfect example: we found a mansion in Newport we loved. Only one local Catholic church would consider marrying a non-parishoner, and they would only talk to us a year ahead. The other option was the chapel at Salve Regina - which wanted $2500 since neither of us were alums. Then we discovered the Newport hotels would require a 2-3 night minimum for our guests. We couldn''t do that to them, and we were back at square one.

I was planning a wedding for 200-300 guests in Boston - from CT. Granted, it is only 2 hours away. However, it was VERY difficult coordinating appointments with vendors. I would consistently try to schedule 3 vendors for a weekend I knew I would be in MA, only to have one not be able to do it. I would therefore have to drive up the next weekend as well. I also had vendors that would only meet during the week. I actually had to take a day off work to meet the cake vendor. (The cake was part of our package if we went with a specific company - otherwise we would have to pay.)

DH''s family is from NY. Therefore, we were arranging loads of OOT stuff, information, transportation, baskets, reservations, morning after brunch, etc.

I have very strong personalities in my family - and all of them inserted their 2 cents.

Our invitations were messed up by one company, forcing us to rush-order them from another. Then, the order of our day-of paper goods (menu cards, escort cards, etc) was never placed by the woman who helped me in the store. We completed the paperwork, I paid, yet she never faxed the order to William Arthur. I found this out when I was getting nervous about how long the order was taling and called them. (2 weeks before the wedding.)

I was working full time at a new job without much phone access, and no email/internet access during the day. I couldn''t exactly keep patients waiting because I wanted to order invites! Therefore, I spent my evenings emailing and my lunch hour calling vendors. While one would think my lunch hour should provide ample time, that is the time during the day when I have to call my patients to discuss lab results or call specialists to get opinions. Wedding calls took a back seat.

I am a micro-manager, so I wouldn''t ask for help when I needed it.

For me, the biggest challange was feeling like I was commuting to Boston to plan the day. There were entire months that I did not spend one weekend in CT.

The week leading up to the day was hectic, busy, crazy and plain old fun. My mum, sis and I just let everything go. Anything that wasn''t done, wouldn''t get done. We had a blast. Things that went wrong seemed funny. It was a good time.

Enjoy the fun weeks, but don''t be shocked if you have stressful ones, too.

 

[Pandora II]

To be honest, I''ve found it all pretty easy - there are days I''m sick to death of it, but not because it''s stressful, I can just end up getting bored at looking at 20 near identical shades of ribbon. Then I go and do something else for a few days!

I am very lucky:

My FIL''s are completely hands off, just hope that we will invite them!

My mother has MS and isn''t very well, so my parents have just given me a budget and left me to it. My mother loves to hear all the details, but there is zero stress for her.

FI isn''t interested in the planning at all (much less stress!)

I also LOVE planning events - it''s a major part of my day job. The main difference being that I have a MUCH smaller budget and am having to DIY a lot of things. I only love it if I am in charge, with my lists, being completely OCD!

I have a graduate degree in Design, so doing all the literature, favours etc is easy for me and cuts a lot of costs.

My big expense will be hand-engraved invitations which come in at a massive $600 for 100. I keep umming about whether or not I should have them or the much cheaper thermographed ones for $250 for 100.

The hand-engraved are so beautiful - and I get the original copper-plate to keep, which would look nice set into the front of a wedding album. I keep changing my mind - first I think it''s a ridiculous amount of money for something that only 40% of my guests will actually notice. Then I remember that I am only planning on doing this once and over a lifetime what is $350 if it''s my one big splurge and it makes me happy...

My mother has said that they will pay the £250 and I have to pay the rest if I want the hand-engraved. Okay, these are the dilemmas I have!