What is your take on this matter?

[cRaSh]

So I've been dating a WONDERFUL man for about 6 months. Things are GREAT....except one minor detail. Actually, it's HUGE. When we met, both of us were separated. Me for nearly a year, he for almost 10 years. He says they just never made the divorce final, but there was absolutely no chance they would reconcile. I filed for my divorce in June, and was awarded it in early September.

We started dating steady after a couple months into our relationship. He mentioned that he had the paperwork to fill out. He put it off for several more months, claiming that he is intimidated by paperwork. A month ago, he decided to get serious about it after I broke down crying. It bothers me that he's dragging his feet on something pretty important. Knowing it's making me feel terrible. So we sat down, he asked me to help. We got them done in less than 5 minutes, all that was left was to make copies. A month later he STILL hasn't done it. I'm hurt, and getting a little angry. He has mentioned marriage recently. I feel that it will happen in the future. (I dont' beleive either of us are ready) But I don't want to be dating someone who is married, and they have the controll over fixing it and won't. It bothers me MUCH more since I am now officially divorced.

What do I do at this point? I told him I feel like I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't seem to want to do. He says it's just laziness. This is REALLY bothering me!!!!!! I don't want to keep harping on this. WHY is he putting this off!???

(Oh, I need to add that he sees his "ex" at least once a week, as they have a kid together, makes things MUCH tougher!!!!)

 

[SoonIHope]

Hi Crash, I''m sorry to hear about this, it would be driving me CRAZY too!!

But...I have to admit that I am inclined to believe that it really is just laziness! I mean, if he''s been separated for TEN YEARS, it obviously wasn''t ever that high on his priority list to make it official, and now that he has you and it seems more relevant, he''s STARTED working on it, but since the two of you most likely won''t move towards actually getting married for a while longer, he still doesn''t technically NEED it to be done yet. So while it is immensely frustrating for you, I bet he just doesn''t think of it as that big a deal - after all he''s been just separated for 10 years and it hasn''t bugged him yet! I bet he''s just used to the way things have been for so long, and knows he''ll have to finish it up before getting remarried, but without that being on the immediate horizon, he thinks he still has time to go. He hasn''t considered himself "married" in so long that this is purely a technicality to him.

All of this is purely speculation of course! But if you get the feeling like it might be true, I would totally just bring it up again in a casual manner, since from what you''re saying it sounds like he isn''t dragging his feet because he has doubts or needs to think about it or anything like that, so he probably just needs a good reminder!!

In any case, good luck and I hope he gets his act together soon!!

 

[cRaSh]

Thanks albicocca! I needed some reassurance. What you said makes PERFECT sense. I REALLY don''t believe that they will get back together either, especially after this long. It STILL upsets me that he won''t get this done sooner.

 

[oshinbreez]

I dated a "married" man that had been separated for several years. His "wife" lived 1000 miles away, and had 2 kids by another man after the separation, but he still wouldn''t divorce her. He was raising their daughter by himself. He knew they''d never reconcile, but wasn''t in a hurry to file the papers. Divorce is hard whether you want it or not. It can make you feel like a "failure". He needs to realize that he will never be able to truly move on with his life until he closes that chapter...ie divorce.

Good luck.

 

[cRaSh]

oshinbreez - You are so right. Even though I''m in no hurry to get married, I KNOW that I would marry this man. We are PERFECT for each other. I wouldn''t mind making a committment, (engagment) now, and then getting married a couple years later. I want to be SURE this time. I always said that if my ex and I would have waited another year, we wouldn''t have gotten married. We rushed, and I was too busy planning a wedding to realize the problems. This time, I''m not planning a wedding, so we are getting to know each other.

Anyways, I was hoping Christmas would be it. And if he''s not officially divorced, I will NOT accept. I feel like we can''t even talk about it yet. He wants me to meet his son, and I won''t until he''s divorced. It just feels wierd.

 

[oshinbreez]

I forgot to mention. The "married" man did get divorced. And even though there was the "failure" feeling for a little bit, he felt like a huge weight had be lifted.

 

[swingirl]

Crash, it might be laziness but it also might have to do with his child. It might be easier on his child to have the parents seperated rather than actually "divorded". It might be easier for him to keep an amicable relationship with his ex by keeping everything status quo and not going through the legal stages of custody.

Since you''ve only been dating for 6 months and neither of you are in a hurry to get married or engaged maybe you need to let him do it at his own pace. You won''t be happy feeling like you forced him into anything. How close is his child to being 18? Because that would be the time to put pressure on.

I wouldn''t recommend living together, though. Its bad for you and bad for his child. Not a very good role model.

This is just my opinion and I know most LIW will say put the pressure on him now to get what you want. But you chose to pursue a relationship with a man that has strings attached. Some women would have been turned off the moment they found out their boyfriend was still married. I think it is more than laziness since he wasn''t too lazy to move out. Just a thought...

 

[Erin]

My bfs parents split when he was nine. Technically, they're still married. My bf is 33. His dad claims it's so she can stay on his insurance which is very good and almost free due to an early retirement package. Bf and I both think it's so he won't have to split his treasures and properties and hidden nest eggs.

 

[Mara]

random thought but you guys have been dating 6 months and already you have to nag him about making a change in his life he should WANT to be making, aka freeing himself from a marriage that has not worked for years, and he is saying ''it''s just laziness''? sorry but that calls up all sorts of red flags for me.

just random thoughts. but honestly after a failed marriage the last thing i''d want to do is get into another relationship where i have to push at the new guy to be an ADULT about things that affect his very life and our potential fledgling relationship.

 

[NYCsparkle]

I totally agree with maras'' advice. do you really need this in your life....think about the heartache. maybe hes still hoping for his ex to change her mind.

 

[cRaSh]

swingirl - the child is only 11. That would be 6 more years before the child is 18. The child knows about me. He THINKS the parents are already divorced because they have never lived together for almost as long as the child has been alive. Everything between BF and "ex" is very amicable. There is no custody disputes, etc. It's just a matter of being legally divorced. I would love to be able to let him do this at his own pace, but I suddenly feel wierd about dating a married guy. It's so wierd when people ask. What am I supposed to say? Ideally, I should say "none of your business", but you know how folks can be... nosey. And then I get people putting things in my head. And there is NO living together, I have made that decision.

Starset Princess - There is nothing as far as insurance, etc. that they are benefiting from still being married.

Mara - It's something I have considered. I AM concered about the red flags. Which is a big reason I want to wait a while before we get married. I don't want to be pushing him, I don't. BF is the type that if you don't motivate him, he won't do it. That's with ANYTHING. He ordered glasses over two months ago, and won't go pick them up.

I am NOT the nagging type, and don't want to be that way. I don't want to make it sound like an ultimatem because I love him

Thanks for the imput guys. He called a little while ago and said he wanted to bring the papers down and make sure everything was in order so he can drop them off to the "ex" tonight.


NYCsparkle - I HONESTLY don't think that's his hopes. I mentioned that to him the last time it came up. I asked if that was what was holding him back.

He was the first to bring up the subject of having the paperwork, and needing to get it done several months ago. I think I gave him a reason to do it. I think he does want a future and relationship with me. I would think after all these years, it would have happend by now. But it will be in the back of my mind until it's final.

 

[swingirl]

If it''s not his kid that he''s thinking of it could be just plain laziness with him not realizing that for a woman to get serious with a married man is still a "big deal" especially when it comes to answering people questions, planning a furture, and feeling good about yourself. Maybe he has gotten the wake-up call. So give it a bit longer.

Tell him it makes you feel cheap, tell him you can''t go forward with your life and future until things are settled, tell him he needs to take it seriously because it''s serious for you. Guys are sometimes slow to respond to issues that don''t affect them as much as they affects you. They are...well... guys!!!

And as far as nosy people asking too many questions, just tell them that everything is working out fine and plans are moving forward. That could mean anything but it ought to make them realize they aren''t getting any details.

And I really applaud you for not living together. It often times seems to make men stall in their desire to get married. It becomes too easy, too comfortable.

One more thing, its far better that he have a good relationship with his ex and kid. It will be less stress for you, less drama, and better for your relationship with his child.

 

[cRaSh]

Thanks swingirl!! That made me feel better about the situation. And helped put into words what I was feeling. I''ll try explaining it that way. Maybe he will understand.

 

[widget]

Ten years seems like an awful long time to be separated but not divorced...I wonder if there isn''t something a little ''off'' about that.

I wonder if he''s grown comfortable, and even ''likes'' the status quo...

I know a couple who were legally. amicably divorced over 20 years ago. Both are attractive and successful people, both have had serious affairs over the years. But neither has remarried, and they remain to this day close friends. I really believe that their ''closeness'' to each other is what kept them from remarrying....that they ''like'' it as it is...all protestations to the contrary. They''ll probably end up with adjoining rooms at the local rest home...

I too would want this cleared up before investing too much more in this relationship.

widget

 

[cRaSh]

Well, he called again, and says he wants to get that paperwork done TONIGHT. But has cancelled plans to take it where it needs to go. *SIGH* Well, at least he will be finishing them. Maybe they''ll get where they need to go next week.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I was in the exact same situation with a man that I hated....I mean dated 15 years ago. He was still married, which he admitted after we had been dating a short while. Supposedly, he had only married her to get a green card (a whole other ball of wax) and he had no feelings for his wife. Turned out to be wrong. He had had an off again, on again relationship with her for years, but no kids. She was mostly using him for sex and he cut her off (supposedly) when we hooked up.

But he did want to get a divorce when he told me about it and he did move forward with it. I dumped him a year later because he was a major control freak.

Anyway, if it were me, I would give myself a deadline. I wouldn''t even bother to talk to him about it. I agree with Mara. Red flag city. AFter only having dated 6 months, I wouldn''t invest too much energy into making him do it. If he doesn''t want it badly enough, there is your answer. If he is lazy about something so important, you are in for a lifetime of nagging. He should WANT to ease your mind.
I would give him like a month to file. Then move on.

 

[Kit]

Respectfully

, I have to disagree...yes, this is a "red flag" of sorts. His behavior is irrational and strange. But what is the poing of being in a relationship with someone if when they act weird or do something strange, you just end the relationship...sorry, I don''t get that. My 2 cents: he would have already gone back to this woman if he wanted to, who btw he will have a life-long relationship with anyways since they have a child together. He has some complicated emotional stuff wrapped up in this paperwork that you need him to get in touch with. He''s obviously not dealing with the situation well now--tell him that and give him a chance to do so. Be explicit with him, and supportive. How he behaves through this process will tell you a lot about his character. Another thought...it''s been 10 years and it seems like YOU''RE the first thing that''s come along that''s made him want to act...maybe he needs more than just a few hours to process this paperwork after a 10 year period.

Good luck!!

 

[Mara]

Kit no one is saying kick the guy to the curb here...just that so soon after leaving one relationship, to just be a little cautious about getting in too deeply with someone who has their own issues and baggage to deal with. You don''t want to trade one stressful situation for another. Anyway it seems like Crash is an intelligent gal so hopefully she can take what she needs from people''s posts and do what she will with it!

 

[ladykemma]

actually from my perspective, I'm looking very hard at the lady Crash , not the guy.
why are you dating a married man? he is not free to be in a relationship.

edited several times - tired!

 

[cRaSh]

Thanks again for the later responses.

ladykemma - To answer your question, I didn''t know he was still married. I had known this guy as an acquaintance for years. He lived in the area, was known as "single", he dated people, didn''t wear a ring. Nothing even hinted at the fact he was still married. Even his closest friends assumed it had been legally done. So when we met, I was separated waiting on a hearing (it was delayed due to county problems), I assumed he was already divorced. So eventually it came up, and he was completely honest with me. Who was I at that point to say anything? I was techinally still married too. YES, we should have waited on the divorces to be final before dating, but hindsight is 20/20. So I chose to keep seeing him because he said he was in the process of getting his divorce. We were in the same boat until nearly a month ago. Now my divorce is final, and his is not. It changes things for me.

Anyways, I had band practice last night, and that left him 2 hours alone. When I took dinner up to his place, the papers were out. I didn''t say a word. He mentioned that he had put them in order, that he was "getting somewhere". GETTING SOMEWHERE!!!!?????

And he was so proud, like he HAD done something. So as of today, papers are STILL not filled out, something that would have taken LITERALLY 5 minutes. I give up! I''m HONESTLY considering putting this relationship on hold until he gets everything final. To have him just put them in order, and not fill them out was a punch in the stomach. He REALLY doesn''t get it.

 

[oshinbreez]

I had another thought as to his stalling.

Maybe being "married" is like a security blanket to him. Being married, he doesn''t have to worry about getting too involved with someone and risking another failed marriage because he can''t legally marry.

 

[cRaSh]

Maybe, oshinbreeze. I''m going to have a good talk with him tonight. I don''t know what will come of it. I''m going to give him at least the weekend to think about things and what he wants. I don''t want to end up getting hurt. My heart is breaking over this already.

 

[Butterflies]

Date: 9/29/2006 9:12:30 AM
Author: oshinbreez
I had another thought as to his stalling.

Maybe being ''married'' is like a security blanket to him. Being married, he doesn''t have to worry about getting too involved with someone and risking another failed marriage because he can''t legally marry.

Very good point. I also want you to consider the fact that even if it is just that he is too lazy to file for divorce, could it be that this is a pattern? Can you picture yourself having to keep pushing him to do stuff all the time? It sounds exhausting to me.