What should I do????

[Class n Sass]

Let me start by saying I am engaged to wonderful man who possesses so many amazing qualities; however, there is a slight problem. I don''t think it''s a huge deal but it definitely irritates me. He is very observant and notices everything on me. For example he''ll see me with a pair of shoes on and he''ll say "Are those new?" Very often they are not new, but since I have a ton of shoes it is very possible that I will wear a pair that he has never seen before. That''s a bit annoying but nothing to really fuss over. He does the same thing with clothes.

So he was at my house Sunday evening and he hadn''t been over in about 2 weeks. So on my nightstand was receipt from BCBG. I guess it sorta stood out because they put their receipts in a long envelope marked BCBG. So he picked it up and said "oh what did you buy at BCBG?" as he is opening the envelope. Then right before he left he was standing at my dresser and saw a sqaure white Macys jewelry box. It wasn''t one of the nicer velour type jewelry boxes...just a plain cardboard type of box. I had bought a couple pair of fun earrings and the saleslady put them all in one box instead of just throwing them in the bag. So of course he notices the box and opens it. He said, "oh were these a birthday gift to yourself?" as I''m pretty sure he looked at the price tag. So I kinda gave him a bit of attitude and just gave him a 2 or 3 word answer. So he asked, "do you not want me asking? you don''t have to be defensive about what you buy." I was a little annoyed but I just let it go. He said that I don''t have to be defensive but I still want to know the motivation behind him doing that. I want to think that he wants to know how much I spend on things so he knows what I''m used to(although he has a pretty good idea of that already).

So now it''s 2 days later and I thought about it again and am still feeling a bit funny about it. The part that I think bothers me is how he freely just sees things and picks them up and opens it. A part of me views it as being a bit rude. Am I being a brat? I know that in 1 year I will be living under the same roof with him and he''s going to see things. I am an only child and have always been used to my privacy. It''s not that he picked up anything that was "top secret." i just view it as kinda invasive. I''m not like that and wouldn''t do that to him. I don''t go to his house picking up and looking at everything I see that is different. Please share your thoughts with me. I think I''m going to bring it up to him but what type of approach should I take with the conversation?

 

[TravelingGal]

Hmmmmmmmm...

Well, you are engaged, so I figure that lots of couples lose a bit of their privacy. Question, have you two talked about how you are going to handle finances after you get married? Even if you don''t go nuts, but enjoy shopping, that might be disconcerting to your man as soon it may be coming out of "his" money too.

Or maybe he''s just nosy and really doesn''t think anything of it?

 

[Aloros]

Hmmm, that''s tough. I personally don''t see it as such a big deal. You''ll be living under one roof soon, and some people just have a habit of picking things up. I think it might be a single child thing. My bf and I have been dating a year, and we do that sort of thing to one another''s stuff. I have two siblings, and a sister who is very close to me. My sister wears the same size clothes, so we used to ransack one another''s closets all the time.

If it bothers you, maybe you can let him know? Just tell him that you''re used to having your privacy and that it bugs you when he opens stuff without permission.

 

[Class n Sass]

A part of me is thinking that he doesn''t think anything of it and so I don''t want to be brat and make a big deal out of it if he doesn''t mean anything by it.

 

[surfgirl]

That would piss me off, seriously. I used to have a boyfriend who, when I was in the bathroom, would hear me unrolling the toilet paper and "remind" me that we shouldn''t use too many squares. Thank god I 86''d him. Anyway, to me, your guy has no sense of boundaries. That''s what I''m hearing from your story. He seems to have no concept of asking before looking, or that you should have your own privacy about things. I dont think it''s an issue of being "bratty" at all. I think you need to sit him down and explain WHY it bugs you so much - without getting emotional - and ask him if he understands WHY it bugs you. A good counseling technique is to tell him that "when you do X, it makes me feel X. Here''s why. (And make him explain back to you why it bugs you, to make sure he clearly understands your feelings). Then you tell him: Here''s what I''d like you to do instead. Can you do that for me? It works pretty well but he might not get it right away and you might have to "train" him to respect your privacy. If it''s an issue of him thinking he can/should know how you spend each penny, then you also need to talk about how to handle your finances once you''re married. If need be, talk to a counselor together if you feel it''s too difficult to talk about at first. Hope something above helps. But no, IMO it''s not you. I''d be annoyed too.

 

[decodelighted]

Oooh ... I am a *big* offender when it comes to stuff like this. My best friends calls me a "scanner". I can walk in her house after eight months & say -- you moved this, this is new, why''d you change the curtain, is that a new lightswitch, why did you change from the lavendar soap? I can spot a new book, a new DVD, a new box of cookies. It''s how I am -- I SCAN.

It''s possible that it''s just how HE is ... that he''s not passing judgement, just OBSERVING. How you''re interpreting it might be why you''re getting annoyed ... though I do think the "only child" thing is a big part of it too. It''s going to be a BIG CHANGE for you to coexist with someone in close quarters ... & share in a way you''re not used to & rely on someone else & form budget plans together & be a team. Not sure what to suggest.

I guess: don''t assume the worst. Ask ... "why do you want to know?" "does it bother you that I buy so many things?" "are you worried about my shopping when we''re married?" That''ll at least open the door to communication rather than silent stewing ...

 

[fire&ice]

When you marry, you WILL be an OPEN book. Perhaps he is just taking interest. Maybe it has nothing to do with your spending. Maybe it does. Just ask in a non judgemental way. Also, he does have a right to know what you are spending money on. His business is your business and visa versa. Once married, you do not operate in a vaccum.

 

[Mara]

haha welcome to marriage!!!!

personally i think this is one of those growing pain things about living together and eventually being married. you may not live together now (not sure) but when you do, the boundary lines really blur in my opinion. while i wouldn''t go through my husband''s bag or anything, if i see something laying on the counter with his name on it and it''s opened, i might open it up and read it myself. he opens my mail and pulls out the cc offers and all that for shredding. he also asks me all the time what i bought and if i spent a lot....it helps that we have separate closets in our master so he really has no idea what is in my closet, but if he does see price tags laying around (newly cut off) he says ''is that new'' or ''was that expensive''. at first i was kind of like ''why do you care?'' but that was oh...3 years ago? hehe. now i just know that is how he is...and i just say ''nope i''ve had it for months'' which typically i have as i am the type to buy stuff, throw it in the closet and forget i have it for a few months.

he also will remind me to wash out a dish as i walk to the sink to put it in there...because it drives him nuts when i just put it down and walk away. or he might remind me to clean the counter after cooking, i can be kind of sloppy when in a creative cooking mood. etc. yeah i guess i could stop and be like ''leave me alone'' or whatever...but we live together. it''s his house too, his space too, we have to co-exist peacefully and ideally, HAPPILY. so you compromise, you let things slide, you just smile sometimes when you might feel irritated. i am sure he feels the same way about stuff i do to him (aka ''did you wash your hands??'' when he comes home and goes into the fridge without washing his hands, yak! i get mega eye rolls from him on that one!) sometimes.

you are two separate individuals with two separate and distinct personalities who are going to have some growing pains when moving in together. if stuff REALLY bothers you, then try to find a way to talk about it because if it bothers you a lot now, it will later. but i would stop and think about what is worth discussing and what you can get over without having to talk about it. he may not know he is doing it, or he may be trying to suss out how much you spend or whatever. but the fact that he said ''you dont have to justify to me'' makes me think he is just flat out curious rather than accusatory. in any case, trust me, you will have some of these pop up as you guys move along the path of dating to marriage and if you want it to be a successful journey, keep lines of communication open for things that really bother you but also learn when to just let the smaller things go. good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

I am a big shopper - although I am also the bargain queen so I don''t tend to spend a lot.

I show FI everything I buy - even down to the latest lipstick etc. Not sure he''s always interested, but he gets to see anyway! It kills me having to keep his xmas and b-day presents a secret!

He''s a big shopper too, and spends way more than me - but it''s his money and mine is my money and all the bills etc are always paid so it''s not a problem.

It sounds to me like he''s 60% wanting to take an interest in your life and 40% learning your spending habits.

I think you need to do 2 things:

a) Figure out why you don''t share your shopping results with him. I did this with an ex who I felt was taking my life over - turned out I didn''t want to share anything with him - myself included.

b) Figure out why you are asking us what to do instead of just asking him straight out if he has a problem or if he''d like you to share more with him.

I''m afraid I don''t get why this would be a difficult thing to ask...

 

[KimberlyH]

Why don''t you ask him why he does this? If you haven''t had a discussion about how finances will be handled, this is a great opportunity to do so. I don''t spend $ (on clothing etc. not on a cup of coffee) without telling my husband, simply so he''s not suprised when he opens the credit card bill. And I too am a "scanner," as deco called herself, and it''s not because I want to be invasive, I just notice everything. My DH is a private person, but he realizes it goes with the territory of being married so he deals with it.

 

[Class n Sass]

Mara...very well put...thanks a lot! I agree with what you said.. No we don''t live together yet but I liked what you said about us living and co-exisiting together peacefully. I''m definitely going to learn to smile more at silly things. I am like your husband with the kitchen and you are like my fiance...lol. However, I am like you about washing your hands before going into the fridge and my fiance is like your husband...very funny. I decided not to mention it to him this time, because I think it''s worth letting go. If he continues to do it and I continue to feel bothered I will find a nice way to bring it up.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 6/15/2007 7:27:30 PM
Author: Class n Sass
Mara...very well put...thanks a lot! I agree with what you said.. No we don''t live together yet but I liked what you said about us living and co-exisiting together peacefully. I''m definitely going to learn to smile more at silly things. I am like your husband with the kitchen and you are like my fiance...lol. However, I am like you about washing your hands before going into the fridge and my fiance is like your husband...very funny. I decided not to mention it to him this time, because I think it''s worth letting go. If he continues to do it and I continue to feel bothered I will find a nice way to bring it up.

I think you are doing the right thing by letting it go. It is amazing how (especially if you haven''t lived together), you evolve together the first few years of marriage. I had perceptions about my husband that weren''t really true. For example, I am a shopper and I thought he might monitor my spending but he hardly ever says one word. He likes to see what I bought too. It is really kind of sweet that he takes an interest. Of course, two weeks later, when I wear it, he will ask about it like he has never seen it but it doesn''t bother me.

I also thought he might be anal about neatness but he isn''t really.Gotta finish later. Baby crying.