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Class n Sass

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 14, 2007
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306
I also posted this in Family & Home....

Let me start by saying I am engaged to wonderful man who possesses so many amazing qualities; however, there is a slight problem. I don''t think it''s a huge deal but it definitely irritates me. He is very observant and notices everything on me. For example he''ll see me with a pair of shoes on and he''ll say "Are those new?" Very often they are not new, but since I have a ton of shoes it is very possible that I will wear a pair that he has never seen before. That''s a bit annoying but nothing to really fuss over. He does the same thing with clothes.

So he was at my house Sunday evening and he hadn''t been over in about 2 weeks. So on my nightstand was receipt from BCBG. I guess it sorta stood out because they put their receipts in a long envelope marked BCBG. So he picked it up and said "oh what did you buy at BCBG?" as he is opening the envelope. Then right before he left he was standing at my dresser and saw a sqaure white Macys jewelry box. It wasn''t one of the nicer velour type jewelry boxes...just a plain cardboard type of box. I had bought a couple pair of fun earrings and the saleslady put them all in one box instead of just throwing them in the bag. So of course he notices the box and opens it. He said, "oh were these a birthday gift to yourself?" as I''m pretty sure he looked at the price tag. So I kinda gave him a bit of attitude and just gave him a 2 or 3 word answer. So he asked, "do you not want me asking? you don''t have to be defensive about what you buy." I was a little annoyed but I just let it go. He said that I don''t have to be defensive but I still want to know the motivation behind him doing that. I want to think that he wants to know how much I spend on things so he knows what I''m used to(although he has a pretty good idea of that already).


So now it''s 2 days later and I thought about it again and am still feeling a bit funny about it. The part that I think bothers me is how he freely just sees things and picks them up and opens it. A part of me views it as being a bit rude. Am I being a brat? I know that in 1 year I will be living under the same roof with him and he''s going to see things. I am an only child and have always been used to my privacy. It''s not that he picked up anything that was "top secret." i just view it as kinda invasive. I''m not like that and wouldn''t do that to him. I don''t go to his house picking up and looking at everything I see that is different. Please share your thoughts with me. I think I''m going to bring it up to him but what type of approach should I take with the conversation?

 
Ok, this is going to sound harsh, but *winces* I think you''re being a bit of a brat. *winces*

You''re engaged and in less than a year, you''re going to be married. It won''t be your money or his money, but collective money and he has a right to know how much of it you''re spending.

If things are lying around your house after your married, why wouldn''t he be allowed to pick them up and look at them? Don''t get me wrong, I''m not saying he should open your mail or search your draws or anything, but stuff lying around is free game.
 
Class N Sass, it would be easier to keep track if you just posted this in one place. Anyway, here is what I wrote on your other thread.

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Hmmmmmmmm...

Well, you are engaged, so I figure that lots of couples lose a bit of their privacy. Question, have you two talked about how you are going to handle finances after you get married? Even if you don''t go nuts, but enjoy shopping, that might be disconcerting to your man as soon it may be coming out of "his" money too.


Or maybe he''s just nosy and really doesn''t think anything of it?

 
Honestly, I think you could be overreacting a bit. My FI does things like that too, but it's more of a general curiousity, I think, not to badger me or be passive aggressive. Maybe you're just feeling a little bit of either buyer's remorse or guilt over spending money on these things, that you are a little overly self-conscious of it or defensive about it for some reason?
 
Thanks for the honesty...I was afraid that I was being a bit of a brat...lol. I know there are things that I am going to have to adjust to once we are married and living together.

I don''t feel buyer''s remorse or feel guilty, but I think that maybe it is the slight tone in his voice that bothers me. I sometimes get the feeling that he wants to say something but just doesn''t. Besides the BCBG receipt was from a dress my bought me as birthday dress. The earrings I purchased with a gift card.
 
It kind of sounds to me like he's just trying to start innocuous conversations with you. Kind of like when you see a friend and you say "oh, are those new shoes?" in order to start a conversation. I mean, I'm not privy to the tone of voice he is using when he asks you about stuff, but sounds like he knows you like to buy fun things for yourself and so he wants to talk to you about them (becasuse he likes seeing you excited and happy about things). It would be like you learning about football so you are able to talk to your guy about something he likes. Instead, hes trying to learn about fashion so he can talk to you about what you like!

So, as long as he doesn't lecture you about your spending habits (which it doesn't sound like he does) I think you just need to realize he's just trying to connect with you by talking to you about your interests. (He may also be trying to learn about your tastes in jewelery and clothes so he can buy you stuff later on!!)
 
Class n Sass,

Well I don''t see it as being totally harmless because it''s bothering you, so therefore it is something. What are you picking up on when he asks you? Do you feel that you should be able to shop without any questions asked from him? Do you feel that he might have some issues with your spending? Or do you just want to have a certain amount of private space?

Personally, I am not a big shopper, I rarely buy anything, and I usually share what I bought and how much it cost before he asks me. When I go shopping with my friends, he''ll often pick me up and ask "did you buy anything?" but that''s because he knows I''m really picky with clothes and I don''t buy anything. I would DEFINITELY take offense to him picking me up and saying "how much did you spend?" Because to me that''s implying that I overspent, or that he has an issue with it.

Maybe something in the delivery or the tone is setting you off. I did notice though that the examples you gave were new clothes, new shoes, birthday present, so could it be maybe you want to be able to control your finances without having to justify it to him? I think it would annoy me if my guy would ask me "are those new a lot" Granted my wardrobe is pretty meager, so it would never happen, but I could definitely see it getting to me.
 
Since his habit is bothering you, I think it's worth talking with him about it. Your posts make it clear that you're getting defensive, which is a problem if only because it will put a barrier between you. Whether your defensiveness is warrented is almost beside the point.

There are several reasons why he might be asking... curiosity, starting conversation, appreciating your taste. concern about post-marriage financial adjustments, concern about your spending habits, obliquely wanting to express disapproval, control.... I think it's better to talk about it, and how his questions make you feel, than to guess. Have you talked yet about how the two of you will be managing finances, about your financial goals, etc?

Here are a few sites that popped up when I googled "before you marry financial questions."

http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues_6.htm

http://home.ivillage.com/homeoffice/saveinvest/0,,nrd8,00.html
 
I think you''re overreacting.

And it does sound like you think he''s judging you, so you might want to assess why you think that to figure out if it''s your perception or whether he really is judging you...because that''s something that could be important in the future...
 
I''ll preface this by saying that it would probably bug me too. I think most people would feel a little off-put by someone partaking in sharing something that they had not volunteered to share.

On the other hand, I''d probably do it myself if I found a box/receipt/bag/whatever around my fiance''s place that he hadn''t told me about! I''m just nosy like that, and I would just be curious. It has nothing to do with what I think his spending habits are like. I mean, I ask him what he got at the grocery store just for conversation "oh, you got strawberries? sounds tasty. maybe I''ll get some too next time I''m out" Fiance likes to know the price of things because he likes to know, not because he''s judging if it''s worth it or not.

I think the people who told you to explore the intent behind his nosiness were correct. If he''s just curious or just happening to notice things, then maybe that would make you feel less defensive. And if there are issues with his perception of your spending, than that would be useful to discuss too.
 
He might just be making conversation or try to take an interest. If he asked how much things cost or gave you a hard time, yeah, that would bother me. Once married Robbie is right. It is joined income. I think it is important to feel comfortable with each other''s spending. If the interest is more in the item than the price (or the fact you are shopping) I think you should let it go.
 
Maybe to help keep the having to explain spending thing from becoming a problem, you could do what a lot of people I know do (and what my fiance and I are planning on). I mean, I certainly don''t mind my fiance seeing my purchases, and we love showing eachother things we buy, but there are some things that you just don''t want to have to justify. I am not a big spender these days (after much learning), but sometimes I just really want to buy something new to jazz up my wardrobe (Namely earrings or shoes), and I can picture a scene in the married future, where my guy says, "Come on, did you really need MORE shoes. You don''t even wear all of the ones you have." And I just won''t be able to fully explain the fabulousness of my purchase. (of course the same will hold true for him. I might say, "Wow, did you really need that record? We hardly ever open the record player.) So, we have decided on this:

The majority of our "non savings" money will go into joint checking and be carefully budgeted for "us" things: House payment, utillities, groceries, gas, dining out/fun, nessicary clothing, that sort of thing. Whatever we don''t need in the budget, we will divide in half and each have to do whatever we please with (splurges, gifts for one another, food that wasn''t in the budget (sometimes a girl needs a sundae), etc). Of course it won''t be a big allowance for the time being, but we both think it will be nice to have even a little bit of money that we don''t have to feel guilty about spending. We are both very money concious and we both already feel guilty when we spend money that we could have put into our account we have built up for starting married life on splurgy things. It will just be nice to be able to have that little bit of money that doesn''t have any strings attatched to it so that we''ll be able to say, "wow I really love that" without thinking, "but oh my gosh, is it in the budget?" And we are NOT allowed to complain about anything the other bought using that bit of money. I think it will avoid arguments too. "Where''d you get money for this?" will simply be answered with, "Don''t worry, I saved up my fun money."
 
LOL yeah I think you're being a brat ;) at least I hope you are. If he has zero hostility it is actually *great* that he notices things. I always think of those shows on tv where the lady is crying because the distracted husband doesn't notice her new hairdo. If he doesn't care what you spend (and he said he didn't) then I think it is sweet that he remembers - as for lookinig at things, that is a familiar thing, one that to some extent you need to get used to if you merge your lives. Privacy is a funny thing, my husband and I share everything unless it's a gift for him and then I say "don't look in xx".

Is it possible you have a guilty conscience? I have very similar feelings with my 12 yo daughter.... she says things in a totally relaxed way but I get snappy because I feel a little guilty or irritated that anyone noticed. I don't think I could have married someone I felt like that about so I hope you and your beau work out your privacy boundaries.

ETA: what I meant at the top where I said I hope you are is that you aren't picking up some evil controlling vibe from him that ?won't manifest until you're married. Are you annoyed or afraid? Figure out YOUR reaction and go from there....
 
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