What to do about a problem photo?

[sandia_rose]

I don''t think this has ever been discussed here before, so I''d like some opinions/direction:

My boyfriend and I were previously married and both have children. His mother passed away last week, so consequently, he now has several of her framed photo collages from her home. Most of the pictures are from his childhood and include photos of his kids as babies, him as a younger guy, etc. She had them in her apartment''s living room, and since her place needs to be cleaned out by month end, my boyfriend took them home.

Friday, he decided to hang the collages on his living room "photo wall." They''re nicely matted and framed, and I thought they looked good there. His kids are teenagers, and the baby pictures are a hoot. However, one thing is really REALLY bugging me. One of the photo collages has his old wedding photo in it.

Now, if his previous wife had died, I wouldn''t have a problem with the wedding pic being there - especially since they had been married 20 years and had children. However, they are divorced, and it was a nasty divorce. Not to mention, the woman has a variety of issues that continue to complicate my boyfriend''s life (he has been pretty much the sole parent to his kids since the divorce, because she can''t be responsible and get herself the rehab/psych help that she needs).

It bugged the hell out of me all weekend to see their smiling wedding photo...knowing how the whole thing panned out. I still have my wedding photos from my ex -- I saved them for the benefit of my son, in case he wants them when he is older -- but they are in a box in the closet and never see the light of day. I have photos from my life all over my apartment....but none contain ex''s.

Is it weird to feel like this? I know that he does not have the photo in the frame for any sentimental reasons - his mom obviously put the collage together years ago and probably wasn''t even aware the photo was in there still (she was 82). I had been to her home many times over the past couple years and did not notice the photo until a few months ago. And I am hesitant to say anything to him now about it, with his mom''s death being so fresh and so much else going on. But I don''t want to walk in his front door and see that damn picture smack-dab in my face!! He is also expecting people from out-of-state to come and visit for the funeral, and he will have people he hasn''t seen in a while in his house --- and probably looking at pictures. I have been his girlfriend for 2 years, and it will be weird to stand right there with his wedding pic on display.

Can anyone suggest a tactful, non-b*tchy sounding way to ask him to remove the photo? His mom also had boxes of unmounted photos from her life and of the kids, so there is no shortage of pictures that can be used to fill the space. I had thought of making the swap myself and saying nothing (I am putting together a photo board for her calling hours and have access to tons of pictures), but that feels dishonest****.

Bridget in Connecticut.

**** As it was, we were cleaning out his mom''s apartment last night and I was cleaning her writing desk and found tons of newspaper clippings she saved. Most were for my boyfriend''s band....but one was his and his ex''s engagement announcement from 21 years ago.....and my bad self threw it out and I feel dishonest enough about that (even though he probably would not mind/care).

 

[Lorelei]

As he has only very recently hung the pics, I would just mention it and ask if he would mind removing the wedding pic with his ex please, as you don't feel it is appropriate, especially what with all the visitors expected and at this time, they often like to reminisce and look at photographs, and they might do so with these conveniently displayed. Chances are he will be fine about it, unless for some reason his teens requested this pic of their Mother be on show. I don't think you are weird for feeling this way at all.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Erm..... This is a little awkward. I''m torn between telling you to think of a compassionate way to tell him it''s bothering you and saying can''t you put up with it for a while until he feels better?
I understand it isn''t very nice to see this picture on your wall, but as you say it wasn''t intentionally done this way and he is feeling very sensitive.......

Couldn''t you just fit another photo of his children over the top? Find something the same size and cover it up. I''m sure your boyfriend wouldn''t/shouldn''t mind! And you would feel better without making a big issue. If you used blu tac to stick on the new photo the one beneath is still there incase there is a problem and you need it back to the original!

Is that any help? Sorry, don''t really know what to say!!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I don''t think it is weird to feel how you do. Is there a photo you could think of that could replace the wedding picture? Perhaps if you find a good substitute photo (maybe one of your SO WITH his mom) then you could suggest swapping them out?

My grandmother had wedding photographs of my cousin still hanging in her house when she passed away. Not only had my cousin been long since divorced but he had come out of the closet too! I think photos hanging on walls are very easy to overlook once you get used to them being there.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/14/2008 11:50:01 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I don''t think it is weird to feel how you do. Is there a photo you could think of that could replace the wedding picture? Perhaps if you find a good substitute photo (maybe one of your SO WITH his mom) then you could suggest swapping them out?

My grandmother had wedding photographs of my cousin still hanging in her house when she passed away. Not only had my cousin been long since divorced but he had come out of the closet too! I think photos hanging on walls are very easy to overlook once you get used to them being there.

That is a good idea.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/14/2008 11:51:50 AM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 1/14/2008 11:50:01 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I don't think it is weird to feel how you do. Is there a photo you could think of that could replace the wedding picture? Perhaps if you find a good substitute photo (maybe one of your SO WITH his mom) then you could suggest swapping them out?

My grandmother had wedding photographs of my cousin still hanging in her house when she passed away. Not only had my cousin been long since divorced but he had come out of the closet too! I think photos hanging on walls are very easy to overlook once you get used to them being there.

Come to think of it, we found A LOT of pictures over the weekend that would fit. As I'd said, he asked me to put together a collage of photos for her calling hours. We found a really cute pic of him with his first dog and mom - he was probably 6 in the photos.

I kind of figured that myself, as far as overlooking. There are a lot of things in my own house that I forget....because I have had them for so long and are so used to their being there.

A previous poster had asked if it might be because the kids would want to see their mom's photos. Um....no. My BF's son is 18 and talks with his mother only if he "has" to. His daughter spends time at the ex's house.....but the ex recently gave her some old wedding photos and we found them ripped up in her bedroom trash (!!). And lately, she's been finding excuses not to go to her mother's place. So you can kind of guess how the kids really feel about her. My ex has taken the high road with all of that - not badmouthing the ex around the kids, trying to encourage them to have some sort of a relationship with her becasue she is their mother in spite of her problems, etc. But he will also be quick to point out (when the kids are not in the room) that if the kids choose not to have any relationship with her, he understands why and won't push them. He divorced her because of her substance problems and psych issues. My BF's daughter was confirmed bipolar, among other things, last year. Part of the reason my BF took her for help/treatment is because he was beginning to see a lot of his ex's behavior in her (wild mood swings, tantrums, etc). The doctor that is treating her said that it's usually an inherited disorder and is biological - 1 or 2 pills per day restore normalcy. But, his ex insists that she (herself) has nothing wrong with her, so after 20 years of the craziness and drinking, he got himself and the kids out. He said that he wants the kids to form their own opinions about their mother -- and it seems like they already have. I really hope she stays away from the funeral services, because I have seen her in action and it's sad/not appropriate.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[decodelighted]

Usually I''d say suggest an alternate photo to him & then replace ... BUT, since he has so much other stuff on his mind right now and his mother''s things are a sensitive issue -- I''d say go ahead and replace the photo ... leaving the wedding photo right behind the replacement. DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO THAT PHOTO (i.e. ... discard it like you did the engagement announcement

)

When things settle down you could re-reveal the wedding photo & ask for his blessing re: the swap out at that time ... so the wedding photo can eventually make it''s way into the pile of "history" pix. If he has any daughters they may want to see their mom''s dress etc when it comes time for their OWN weddings.

 

[designchica]

I would wait a few weeks or even a month or so for him to mourn his mother''s death. After a while, I would talk to your boyfriend in a loving and nonconfrontiational tone about the troublesome picture. Sit down with him and tell him you know this is a difficult time for him and you understand it must have been emotional to take those photos from his mother''s house. Then tell him how you feel when you see the picture of his exwife at their wedding. Tell him that you don''t want to be unreasonable or make him do anything that will upset him, but do ask him if he''d be willing to switch the photo out w/ another. If he says no, ask him to think about it for a few days and then revisit the topic and go from there.

Good luck and remember that this is a tough time for him so be mature about it and give him some time to sort through his emotions.

 

[LostSapphire]

I think I fit into the category of "been there, done that". Married a man who left his manic-depressive, substance abuse addicted wife after 18 years of marriage. 2 pre-teens, both of whom expressed their anger in similar ways to your BF''s children.

We have now been together for more than 20 years.

You have received some very good advice here, except I would make one exception: property belonging to his mother (no matter how offensive to you at this point) is not yours to touch. You may possibly be perceived as petty, jealous and interfering. Anyone who is at that funeral would know of their breakup, and perhaps, all of the nastiness.

Injecting yourself into that situation by touching his mother''s things (due to your sensitivity, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND) is not appropriate. Take the high road: hold your head up, maintain your composure and sophistication.

I don''t think it''s worth him finding out after the fact that you replaced the photo: in his sensitive state, it could actually backfire. Even though yes, you are right to be upset about it. Show him your maturity and class

People are pretty smart. They''ve probably got her figured out by now.

In 20 years I have never badmouthed her to his children. They figure that out too. But no matter what they think of her, anything coming from you may be perceived as negative. Yes, the daughter ripped up her wedding photos: but you never know what''s coming down the road, and someday, she may come to you looking for memories of her mother. At that point you can help her out (and be seen as the ''good guy'' after all that).

Sorry this is so rambly, but your situation is SCARILY SIMILAR to mine 20+ years ago. If my experience is taught me one thing, it is to NEVER say or do anything that could lead to regrets later. I always try to deal with the ex as if he or the children were standing behind me watching - then I know I can be above reproach.

 

[bee*]

I wouldn''t do anything with it yet. Wait until he grieves a bit before bringing it up. He''s probably not thinking straight and just put up all of his mother''s photos without thinking, oh there''s the one of me and the ex. Don''t let it bother you-they''re divorced for a reason. Just be there for him and when the time is right then bring it up with him and say how about changing that photo.

 

[mirre]

I''m not sure what I would do on one hand I say ask him about it now. On the other I say let him grieve a bit more.

The photo boards you are putting together, do you plan on taking them back apart and putting the photos away? If so maybe while you are taking them apart you can show him the pic of his mom, him and the dog and say "I really like this picture how would you feel if I took the pic of you and "ex" out and put it in the box and put this pic up instead?"

I would be just as upset seeing that pic everyday. But part of the reason you see it everyday is that you know it''s there and it''s bothering you. Try not to think about it and not look at those pictures on the wall. I''d bring it up a couple weeks after the funeral.

I understand your reasons for feeling dishonest about the engagement article. Chances are he didn''t even know she had it still. And she probably didn''t know she had it either... if she kept it from their engagment, tucked it away in a box and they divorced 21 years later... she probably had no clue that it was still there. I know I put things away and don''t remember them after a few days I could only imagine 20 years.

Good luck!

 

[beebrisk]

Sorry, I''m being honest, but I cannot feel for you here.

First of all, throwing out that engagement announcement was simply wrong! That was not your property to discard. If I were your BF and I found out, I''d be furious. Not because that paper means anything to me at this point but because you had no right to take his private property and dispose of it behind his back just because you''re feeling a little "uncomfortable" with it. This is blunt, but personally it would make me seriously question your character.

Secondly, in your BF''s grief, I''m sure he didn''t even "see" the wedding photo. He''s looking at something his recently lost mother put together as a loving tribute to her family, many years ago. Done by her hands, and with her heart.

You''re a grown woman, there''s no need to feel insecure about something that happened in his life many years ago and is long over. Anyone over a certain age has a ''past''. It''s not necessarily something to flaunt in front of a current SO, but that''s not what he''s doing here.

If it were me, I wouldn''t DARE say anything to him for quite awhile. It''s so petty and unimportant in light of the fact that he JUST lost his mother!

If it bugs you so much, if you feel so insecure about it, then maybe you should give a little thought to why you feel that way.

After a few weeks...or perhaps a few months, you can bring it up in a casual way and say, "okay..can we puleeze get rid of that picture of you and ex-wife"?? I''m sure he won''t mind putting a picture of YOU on top of it, but right now is not the time to indulge your jealousies. It''s time for you to be a real partner to your BF.

Just my 2 cents.....

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/15/2008 11:11:50 PM
Author: beebrisk
Sorry, I''m being honest, but I cannot feel for you here.

After a few weeks...or perhaps a few months, you can bring it up in a casual way and say, ''okay..can we puleeze get rid of that picture of you and ex-wife''?? I''m sure he won''t mind putting a picture of YOU on top of it, but right now is not the time to indulge your jealousies. It''s time for you to be a real partner to your BF.

Did you read my updated post? We were going through pictures last night to put together a few memorial boards and he came across a slew of old wedding pictures and was almost embarassed at them being there. As to the one in the frame, I mentioned it to him casually (since the subject came up on his own), and he removed it HIMSELF. I didn''t ask him to remove it - I merely said, "By the way...." and he asked me to get him the frame, he took the photo out and ripped it up himself. In its place is now the cute pic that I posted about with him, his mom and his first puppy.

I am not jealous at all, and yes, I do realize that we all have pasts. I just don''t think it''s appropriate for negative aspects of your past (and as I said, it would be totally different if he former wife died and that''s why he''s single) to be in full view. I saved my wedding pics for my son''s benefit only -- and they live in my closet.

Bridget in Connecticut.