What to do if your ideal wedding and your SO''s ideal wedding are opposites?

[gwendolyn]

How much do you think you''d be willing to compromise if it turns out you and your SO have COMPLETELY different ideas on how to get married (ie he wants to elope and you want the mother of all weddings)? On which aspects would you be willing to compromise?

Or (said another way), do you have things in your mind that you know you HAVE to do/have at your wedding, no matter what/where it is?

Or DO you propose a compromise? Maybe you would just say, "Look, *I''M* the princess for the day, I get my wedding! End of story!"

Just wondering your thoughts on the matter.

 

[honey22]

Uhhh - if I tried the I''m the princess routine - I am likely to get something along the lines of this .... Well then, I am the king for the day, you''re just my woman and will do as you are told

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 6:27:53 AM
Author: honey22
Uhhh - if I tried the I'm the princess routine - I am likely to get something along the lines of this .... Well then, I am the king for the day, you're just my woman and will do as you are told

(A girl I know said that in front of our group of friends/coworkers when they were talking about their wedding plans, which is why I added it.

)

 

[anchor31]

Argh, PS ate my long post!

Well, in short I was saying that I wanted to elope and my FI wanted the "mother of all weddings". It wasn''t easy, but we worked hard into finding a middle ground. Basically, what happens is I toned down everything and turned his super formal autumn evening fantasy wedding (think cathedral, white tuxes with tails, fancy hotel and 300+ guests) into a causal to semi-formal summer daytime wedding (think cute little brick church, no tails and no black, cute reception hall and less than 100 guests). It''s super important to find a middle ground in everything you and your SO disagree on.

Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 8:15:13 AM
Author: anchor31
Argh, PS ate my long post!

Oh, I hate that!

Author: anchor31
Well, in short I was saying that I wanted to elope and my FI wanted the ''mother of all weddings''.

Same here!! I think we are in the process of working out some middle ground so we''ll both be happy, so it should be ok, but it was never something I thought I''d have to worry about. I have lots of guy friends, and I''ve always wanted to elope, and all my guy friends always say that whoever marries me is a lucky dog because he doesn''t have to deal with all the wedding headaches that my guy friends have dealt with as their wives planned their big weddings!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/3/2008 9:02:49 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Author: anchor31
Well, in short I was saying that I wanted to elope and my FI wanted the ''mother of all weddings''.

Same here!! I think we are in the process of working out some middle ground so we''ll both be happy, so it should be ok, but it was never something I thought I''d have to worry about. I have lots of guy friends, and I''ve always wanted to elope, and all my guy friends always say that whoever marries me is a lucky dog because he doesn''t have to deal with all the wedding headaches that my guy friends have dealt with as their wives planned their big weddings!

I know! Go figure...

 

[~*Alexis*~]

its never easy, but you need to work it out. I made a list of all the things that I NEEDED at my wedding, ya know the ones you dream about since you were a little girl. Then the things you want are up for negotiation. I think thats what works best for us and its just not the wedding aspect, its edverythoing thatos a big deal..


Good luck!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Isn''t that funny, because originally it was really FI that wanted a big floofy wedding too. I was thinking immediate family and BFFs only. Maybe PS somehow attracts ladies who are Reluctant Wedding Planners! For PS''ers, the wedding is simply a distraction from the real stuff of life, AKA, aquiring beautiful bling. (haha, just kidding of course).

Our compromise was basically that he got his way and I get to do all the work.

He is aware and appreciative of all the work I''m doing, though. I once stomped my foot and said "With all this crappy wedding planning, I think I at least deserve a bowl of ICE CREAM!" So lately he has taken to bringing home ice cream for me from the awesome homemade sweet shop downstairs.

Anyway, bottom line is, yeah, you may have to compromise. You could say "OK, you get your wedding, if you do all the planning. Then I get to pick the honeymoon." Something like that. But I would seriously put my foot down and insist that HE do the planning if HE wants the wedding.

Don''t wind up like poor Anchor and poor me.

 

[CNOS128]

Eh, i''d just dump him.

But really, I guess I''m lucky in that my boyfriend has told me in no uncertain terms that it''s completely up to me. He wants something small, but if I wanted big & extravagant, he''d relent. The only thing he will not put up with is eloping ("Your mom would never be okay with that!").

If he wanted a gigantic wedding, I would certainly ask him to do most of the planning! After which he would probably change his mind very quickly.






BigT

 

[pjean]

I wanted to elope, but FMIL said she''d never speak to us again. I think she maybe means it, so that''s out. Then my bf and I agreed that we''d have a small wedding in Las Vegas. Great compromise, I thought.

Turns out that my idea of small is 10-15, immediate family only. His is 120 or so. Sigh... anchor31 is right, it''s all about the middle ground.

 

[Rhea]

I'd compromise on almost everything - and did. Like everything else in marriage, the wedding is one big compromise taking budget, family wishes, location of family and friends, and both members of the couple "ideal" in mind. EVERYTHING in marriage is a compromise and it's never too early to learn the art.

 

[bee*]

I''d try and compromise and find some common ground in the middle. Maybe a smaller wedding with a smaller guestlist. I''m fortunate in that D and I have similar opinions on what we want for our wedding. I would be upset though if I were to elope-my mother would never forgive me!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/3/2008 11:51:24 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Isn''t that funny, because originally it was really FI that wanted a big floofy wedding too. I was thinking immediate family and BFFs only. Maybe PS somehow attracts ladies who are Reluctant Wedding Planners! For PS''ers, the wedding is simply a distraction from the real stuff of life, AKA, aquiring beautiful bling. (haha, just kidding of course).

Our compromise was basically that he got his way and I get to do all the work.

He is aware and appreciative of all the work I''m doing, though. I once stomped my foot and said ''With all this crappy wedding planning, I think I at least deserve a bowl of ICE CREAM!'' So lately he has taken to bringing home ice cream for me from the awesome homemade sweet shop downstairs.

Anyway, bottom line is, yeah, you may have to compromise. You could say ''OK, you get your wedding, if you do all the planning. Then I get to pick the honeymoon.'' Something like that. But I would seriously put my foot down and insist that HE do the planning if HE wants the wedding.

Don''t wind up like poor Anchor and poor me.

lol Indy, we''re like long lost twins or something. Never mind that we''re ten years apart and my real twin is in Australia...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

How important is eloping to him and how important is having a big wedding to you? Does he want to elope because he doesn't like the stress of planning a wedding or is it something deeper like a fear of being in front of a large crowd or even that he doesn't get along with his family? And for you, do you want a big wedding because it's what you've always dreamed of or do you have a very large family and many friends with whom you want to share the day?

I wanted to elope because I didn't want to plan a wedding. DH wanted a big formal wedding because he wanted the wedding to represent how important getting married was to him (we waited a long time). We sat down and decided that we really wanted our families to be there, so our "elopement" wouldn't really just be us and that a big, formal wedding didn't represent who we were. We agreed on a small family wedding (fewer than 50 guests) and that it would be beautiful but not stuffy. Oh, and that he had to do most of the planning! We loved it.

You want to plan something you'll both love. If eloping isn't an option for you, then that's that. If a 300+ person wedding is going to make him miserable, don't do it. I really think that the best weddings are those where you can tell that they both worked on it together, you should both have elements of it that you love. Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 5:04:12 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
How important is eloping to him and how important is having a big wedding to you? Does he want to elope because he doesn't like the stress of planning a wedding or is it something deeper like a fear of being in front of a large crowd or even that he doesn't get along with his family? And for you, do you want a big wedding because it's what you've always dreamed of or do you have a very large family and many friends with whom you want to share the day?


I wanted to elope because I didn't want to plan a wedding. DH wanted a big formal wedding because he wanted the wedding to represent how important getting married was to him (we waited a long time). We sat down and decided that we really wanted our families to be there, so our 'elopement' wouldn't really just be us and that a big, formal wedding didn't represent who we were. We agreed on a small family wedding (fewer than 50 guests) and that it would be beautiful but not stuffy. Oh, and that he had to do most of the planning! We loved it.


You want to plan something you'll both love. If eloping isn't an option for you, then that's that. If a 300+ person wedding is going to make him miserable, don't do it. I really think that the best weddings are those where you can tell that they both worked on it together, you should both have elements of it that you love. Good luck!

The questions in the OP were sort of just questions to see what people would say. J actually wants a big wedding, and I've always wanted to elope, as I mentioned to anchor31 near the start of the thread. We're an international long-distance couple and have completely different ideas of what we want, so finding middle ground is tricky both physically and planning-wise, but we're getting there.

I really was just curious to see if anyone had anything they felt wasn't compromise-able, like Alexis said there are some things she HAD to have. She didn't say what they were, which is totally fine, but that was part of what I was wondering. I really, really, REALLY don't want a bridal party (or guests, for that matter, but my mother would be really ticked off if she wasn't there--she already flat-out told me), but if I had to I'd just pick my sister-in-law (even though I barely know her) as my maid of honour, to keep from having to choose from amongst my friends which has already caused drama and I'm not even engaged yet!

 

[honey22]

Date: 2/3/2008 12:48:49 PM
Author: pjean
I wanted to elope, but FMIL said she''d never speak to us again. I think she maybe means it, so that''s out. Then my bf and I agreed that we''d have a small wedding in Las Vegas. Great compromise, I thought.


Turns out that my idea of small is 10-15, immediate family only. His is 120 or so. Sigh... anchor31 is right, it''s all about the middle ground.

You had the perfect opportunity and you wasted it - shame on you!!!