What to do? (long)

[dreaming of the day]

Well where do I start... The other day my SO and another couple, whom we are quite close with, were having dinner and the topic of weddings came up. This is not unusual for us, as it seems to be a common topic when we all get together. Let me first start by saying that neither couple is engaged yet.

In June we were all hanging out and I thought my timeline for engagement was going to be quite some time, so I kind of assumed my SO and I would get married in the summer of 2010, so I called 2010. Well our friends chimmed in and said great they were thinking summer 2009. I said stupidly, as I had quite a few drink already, that I didn''t want to get married in the same year because we know way too many of the same people (family included) that it wouldn''t really be fair.

Well as you know SO and I have been together almost seven years, the other couple has been together for one year (mind you they purchased a house together already and are very committed to one another). However, I think our timeline has changed, and I believe we will get engaged sooner than I ever expected. He and his family don''t want us to wait so long, as they say we have already been together for seven years, its not fair to make them wait any longer , and we have discussed an August 2009 wedding lately.

Back to dinner the other night... as we were discussing I told them what I had said in June about not getting married in the same year was stupid, etc.. Then they said they had been looking at venues for August 2009. Crap, crap, crap.

Now neither couple is engaged yet, but I don''t think either of us are too far off. What do you think I should do? Which ever couple gets engaged first gets to choose the date first? My SO is pretty stuck on an August wedding, doesn''t want to wait till 2010, and doesn''t really want to budge.

This couple and us will be integral parts of eachothers weddings. I don''t want to offend them, but if we get engaged first, do you think I can make us dinner and approach them on the subject? Our families our so close and at least 30% of the guests will be invited to both weddings which won''t be right, I am not sure how to make everyone happy - including myself - because I too would love to get married in August 2009.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I wouldn't worry about it much just yet. Neither of you are engaged yet, things may or may not pan out the way you're anticipating. But when you do get engaged, pick the date that works the best for you overall. You can't- nor can they- let the other couple be the sole deciding factor in which date you pick. As you know, it's more than a wedding-- this is the day you will be officially embarking on a marriage. That is about so much more than them and their wedding.

That's not to say you should disregard it and pick the day right after theirs. But I would consider the big picture. It would be a factor (mostly IMO for guests convenience), but not the only factor. Plus, if you choose to pass up on an August 2009 wedding because of them, you might end up resenting/regretting that in the long run.


Also... you must realize that they may NOT be thinking this way or be as concerned about the date thing as you are. If you pick a date in August first, they might also choose another August date. Because they did mention summer 2009 first & they might've already started planning for that. And you know, I don't think that either couple has the right upset if something like this ends up happening. Nobody has 'claim' on a month. You get a day, maybe a weekend, and not any more.

And as far as your seven years vs their one - I don't think it matters who's been together longer. You and your FFI chose to take this long to marry (not saying that is a bad thing), you know? It's just an unfortunate case of bad timing that both couples find a certain month appealing.

 

[Rhea]

The first couple to announce they are engaged, chose a date, and puts a deposit down gets that date. All other couples can choose whether or not to take that into consideration when they get engaged. There''s nothing saying that all three couples can''t get married three weekends in a row. You get one day, not a weekend, not a month, a day. Friends and family of the couples, if the wedding are close, will have to prioritise the weddings for themselves if they are not able to attend all of them assuming the weddings are in a row.

I don''t think anyone can lay claim to a date or even a month without a set plan in place and potentially a venue booked. Anyone can chose the day, but if the places you want aren''t available then you likely aren''t getting married that day.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Although nothing is offical yet, I would suggest approaching the subject now--as opposed to later. Perhaps they are also planning their engagement, and getting their details in order? Its very possible that you are both on the very same track without fully knowing it.

I would just let them know that your timeline has changed and that you are actually planning on getting married in 2009, and in August. I wouldn''t expect them to change their plans, since that wouldn''t be fair to them.

You need to know, going into this conversation, that some women get really wacky about their weddings. I hope, hope, hope this doesn''t create a riff...but for some women, this would be a huge issue since you actually were the first to declare your date.

I would just very honestly explain your reasons and that you hope you can both still be there for each other. Let her know that you are, in no way, trying to steal her thunder.

I''d worry less about feeling like you''re imposing on your mutual friends and family....many people go to multiple weddings a year, and just because you two happen to be friends, doesn''t mean either of you are less "worthy" of your day.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

 

[sunnyd]

Why can''t you both get married in August?

 

[ladypirate]

I''d just bring it up with them now and say that your timeline has been pushed up.

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree with LadyPirate. Mention it in passing. I don''t see why you couldn''t do different parts of August though...

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

There''s really no reason why you both can not get married in August if you both want an August 2009 wedding. You never know what these other couples are going to have for their timeline in the end either - they could still be waiting to get engaged by August 2009 for all you know.

I had half a dozen dates picked out in my mind before I got engaged and guess what - I''m using absolutely none of them! So, my dear, talk is cheap.

If you really feel you need to run your plans by these friends, then by all means talk to them. But really, they shouldn''t get bent out of shape. If you are first to get engaged then you should be able to pick whatever day you desire guilt free.

 

[honey22]

I agree with the other ladies - you are picking a day, not a week or month etc. If you get engaged first, pick your date and let them know. It doesn''t have to be a huge problem, things will all just fall into place.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of your feedback. I guess its not as big of a deal as I seem to think it is. Your right, its just one day and it shouldn''t be a big problem. I will talk to them about it though, because I really want them to share the excitement with us and not hold any resentment.

 

[purrfectpear]

With the cost of weddings these days you should partner up, and have a double wedding.

Think of the savings

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I don''t see what the big deal is... My FI and I have 9 weddings in the next 10 months (including ours and most of our best friend''s)... yes it''s inconvinient for financial reasons but who cares... Hopefully they are all getting married once so we will have to spend the money sooner or later! There are about 4 weeks between my wedding, my best friends wedding, and my other best friend''s wedding...

 

[vita*dolce]

it''s sweet of you to be concerned about your friends'' feelings, but i''m sure it''ll turn out fine. since neither couple is engaged yet, anything might happen, and august 2009 is (obviously) less than a year away so you might not both be able to get engaged and have everything planned by then anyway.

 

[Hera]

Date: 9/24/2008 6:43:39 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I don''t see what the big deal is... My FI and I have 9 weddings in the next 10 months (including ours and most of our best friend''s)... yes it''s inconvinient for financial reasons but who cares... Hopefully they are all getting married once so we will have to spend the money sooner or later! There are about 4 weeks between my wedding, my best friends wedding, and my other best friend''s wedding...

Wow, that''s seriously a lot of weddings! I don''t know that many people I think!

Dreamingofthe Day: I don''t see a problem either over both of you having two weddings in August. You''ve gotten lots of good advice already, but I''m curious: why August? Why not July or September?

 

[swingirl]

As a guest and family member I see no sane reason to spread out weddings so there is only one a year. I would want any couple to marry when they choose and not try to please too many others. The couple needs to consider so many things, budget, jobs, vacation time, venues, children, etc. Those things matter way more than who called it first. Of course, picking the same month would be tough on everyone but 2-3 months between would be fine where the guest list overlaps.

 

[D2B]

Seriously, IF you both get engaged and get organised for august 2009, then why cant one have it at the start of august and the other at the end of august, plenty of time for guests to recover, and time for a honeymoon in between.

although to be honest, from what i have read on the brides forum, dates can quickly be thrown out the window, when hassles of finding vuenues, officiants, photographers, costs etc mean the dates can change quite a bit in the planning process. for example the place you and FI are dying to have the reception in is only available one weekend in July?

So dont stress yet, wait until people announce engagements and then talk about it.

good luck
d2b

 

[jng2b]

I wouldn''t worry about it! I got married two weeks after a friend, at the same place! It was a special place to both them and to us, and I couldn''t imagine getting married anywhere else. No one cared that our weddings were so close! Plus, we got to see a "test" night when we attended her wedding two weeks before our own, which was very helpful.

 

[Tuckins1]

Don''t worry about it. You pick whatever date works best for you when the issue comes up.

 

[Sha]

Does it have to be August 2009? What about June or July? It''s all summer...but would give your guests some breathing room if you''re concerned about that.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 9/24/2008 6:22:17 PM
Author: purrfectpear
With the cost of weddings these days you should partner up, and have a double wedding.

Think of the savings

My parents were married in a double wedding, actually. And they never really had an official engagement. A bit unconventional, but they''ve been married for over 33 years.

My aunt was having an informal wedding at someone''s house. They were like "hey, let''s get married too!" so they did. I would say it was good luck, but my aunt went on to marry 3-4 more times since then, LOL.