What to Do?

[CNYHopeful]

FI and I live very close to his family but nearly 4 hours away from my closest relatives. Most of my family lives near each other and able to get together regularly. I''ve become really close with FI''s family, but i still miss mine a great deal. I recognize down the road with kids, I won''t be able to visit my family as often and when my parents get older, they won''t be able to visit us as much. I think this bothers me more than I think I let on and I''m just curious to know how other ladies deal with it.

FI goes down a couple of times a year (and I know it''s a big strain on him to travel), but most often I go alone. Last time I visited my family, my brother (whose wife has lupus), was wondering why we chose to have our wedding up where I live. He understood that FI''s grandparents are alive (mine are all deceased) and would have difficulty making the trip out of state. My brother did indicate that given his wife''s health, he wasn''t sure if they''d be able to manage attending our wedding. This was devastating news for me. I feel so conflicted that I don''t get to see my family often and the one day we''re supposed to spend with family and share our joy with them, might not be possible for some of my close siblings. I never thought that the distance would be such a deal breaker for some until this conversation with my brother and now I''m beginning to regret our decision to have the wedding up here...especially when we will be living up here.

For those of you who are close with your family but live far away, how do you cope?

 

[musincy]

I live 9 hours from my family... it''s really hard sometimes. We talk on the phone a lot, but I still miss the spur-of-the-moment stuff that they do, and all the large family gatherings.

I guess I''m still trying to learn how to cope. We went where there were jobs, but now neither of us have family close.

 

[CNYHopeful]

Phone calls and emails definitely are a plus. Maybe it''s something that you learn deal with in time.

Musincy, do you find your FI is more understanding with his family also being far away? Do either of you get to visit your families for holidays? Is it difficult deciding which side you get to visit or do you visit families separately?

FI and I have worked out the major holidays pretty well- Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his, and Easter flips (although we''ve been with his family the last two years). I guess I just feel that we see his family all of the time (don''t get me wrong, I love his family like they''re my own), but I wish he could get to know my family as well and that he''d desire to make more time and plans to see them.

 

[meresal]

CNY- I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I am in the exact same living situation you are, and 4 hours away from my home. However, we are having our wedding back in my home town instead of here.

I may be missing something, but I really don't thinks it is appropriate for your brother to lead you on thinking your decision on where to have the wedding is the reason they can't be at the wedding. I understand he probably didn't mean it that way, but that is how it has made you feel. If you had the wedding in your home town, you would be having this sitaution with someone else on your FI's side of the family. Trust me!

Are you upset that the wedding isn't in your home town? I think you should take a breathe and think about which of these issues is bothering you. I have a feeling a few of these might be attributed to somewhat of a "snowball effect" that your emotions are playing on you. I've been there, one thing upsets you and then all of a sudden everything is wrong. Just sit back and relax. It will be alright.

Maybe you should say something to your brother or your mom/dad, and let him know that what he said has upset you. You can't take the blame for her illness not allowing her to travel.

ETA: I have been living in FI's city for 2 years now. We agreed to do major holiday's separately until marriage and then they will ALL be done together. For Christmas's, if one of our families is traveling somewhere we will do that and then do the other's for Thankgiving... otherwise if nothing big is happeneing, we will switch each year.

 

[musincy]

Date: 5/27/2009 2:35:30 PM
Author: CNYHopeful
Phone calls and emails definitely are a plus. Maybe it''s something that you learn deal with in time.

Musincy, do you find your FI is more understanding with his family also being far away? Do either of you get to visit your families for holidays? Is it difficult deciding which side you get to visit or do you visit families separately?

FI and I have worked out the major holidays pretty well- Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his, and Easter flips (although we''ve been with his family the last two years). I guess I just feel that we see his family all of the time (don''t get me wrong, I love his family like they''re my own), but I wish he could get to know my family as well and that he''d desire to make more time and plans to see them.

We actually grew up in the same town, so it used to be easier on holidays... we''d see both. But his parents moved away, so now they''re in two different places. Since then, we''ve been doing holidays seperately, but we won''t after we''re married. Our plan is to split holidays... Thanksgiving at one, and then Christmas we''ll try to hit both. Then the next year we''ll do Thanksgiving at the other and Christmas at both again. We don''t have enough time to travel at Easter.

FI is pretty understanding, but I think I''m closer to my family so it''s a little harder for me. It has gotten easier, but when I think about the future and having kids... I hope someday we have the opportunity to move closer to family again.

 

[SassyB]

I go thru this same thing! I just visited my family that is 5 hours away last weekend. I''m always sad when I leave but happy to go "home" at the same time. I miss the spur of the moments things. Family dinners, meeting for coffee....
My problem is that I have resentment that my family doesn''t come visit me. I''m the only one that ever makes the trip.
To be honest I guess I don''t really cope very well

I''m sorry you are going thru this.

Where I understand what your brother is saying - it''s your day. It''s much easier to plan an event in the area that you live. I''m planning mine 5 hours away from where I live and it HARD! It''s not easy to not be with family and I don''t know what kind of relationship you have with them.... Just know that they would chose to be there if they could. Just my opinion, but don''t change your plans. I personally think your brother is being selfish and should make the trip. Wouldn''t his wife want him to at least go?

Be strong and be excited for YOUR big day

 

[CNYHopeful]

Thank you, ladies! I really appreciate your feedback. I was in such an aweful mood yesterday, but it was good to be able to vent and get your support. Last night, FI and I ended up discussing a bit of this and he was really understanding. He knew I just needed to vent and understands how much I just miss my family every now and then.

Meresal - you are so right on. I think yesterday really was a"snowball effect". For both FI and I, having it up here is a no-brainer. The priest is a good friend of ours and is up here. Cost of hotels and reception is cheaper here. It''ll remove a lot of our stress planning from where we live. Major downfall is - it''s incredibly inconventient for my family who makes up 65% of the guests (I have large tight-knit family, he has small tight-knit family). But they will make it mostly, anyways.

Sassy- THANK you for your words of encouragement. I really needed that! My brother''s situation is quite difficult and I feel for him and his wife dearly. See, he drives to work 2 hours every day (metropolitan traffic at that) adding a weekend full of heavy driving is just more of a strain on him than anybody else. I know he chose that for himself, but I worry about him a lot and how much he takes on himself. He truly is a generous person and would bend over backwards for anyone in our family and for his wife and step-son. I know he wasn''t at all trying to guilt-trip me into changing anything. I think he was just venting his own struggles at the time. I will ask one of my other brothers who lives closer to them if they would carpool on up together. If they take a long weekend and have 3 drivers, it might make the trip less expensive and stressful on them.